My throat has been sore but it seems like it might be getting a little bit better. Not sure if anyone else saw my thread in the dark side or not but I figured I might as well post here.
To be honest, I'm still not sure if what I'm dealing with is the same as a Long Term Comedown from MDMA. Basically the history of my drug usage in this time is as follows. All of this began two months ago.
Wednesday: Consume probably a tenth of a gram of MDA, something called Sass by a friend of mine. Went to show, back to my house, drank til 4am, slept for a few hours and went to work at 830 the next day.
Slept thursday night for 8 hours.
Friday: Drive to colorado for concert. Get there, plan on not taking drugs, but I'm tired and I take 10mg of adderall from my friend. I also had some acid on me, and I my friend knew and I obliged, and she begged me to trip with her and I agreed to. I did not initially want to do this, but I was tired, figured a little bit would keep me awake, and plus it was the kind of show where you would trip at. I have taken L almost every time I've seen this band and been fine so I thought it would be cool. Long story short, met up with some friends, one of my friends convinces me to take another hit that he had, so at this point I probably took 3 hits of L. My subconscious reared it's head something fierce and by the second set of the show I had a complete freakout regarding self-esteem and sexuality. The rest of the night I was paranoid, one of my friend's the girl I was with, tried her best to talk me down but it didn't work and I couldn't help myself.
I tried to sleep but was unable to that night.
The next day my friend offered to sell me some molly. Normally I don't do molly, but it was for a very good price and was pure crystal. I knew it was legit. Or at least I'm pretty sure, it was in rock form, the color of molly (brownish pink). I purchase a gram. I never normally buy this much molly. To be honest I never buy molly in general really (aside from the MDA from a friend of mine a few days before). Before the concert I got very drunk. Moreso than normal, I thought I could ward off my paranoid thoughts and delusions by drinking. The reasoning behind this was I almost had a bad trip during the summer at a different concert and a friend gave me a pep talk and lots of whiskey and it helped bring me back down to reasonable level where I had fun.
I think drinking was my big mistake. I was very drunk, and at the beginning of the show decided to take some of the molly. I broke a small chunk off the rock and did some. Then I Was feeling better and foolishly decided to take 1 hit of lsd. After this, I'm not sure when I remember trying to take more mdma but it made me sick and throw up so I gave the rest to my friend. I really don't know how much I took. At first I thought I took a lot but I later found out from my friend there was a considerable amount left when I gave it to her.
I estimate that I did somewhere between 100 and 200 mg. I'm not really sure though, it could have been slightly less or maybe even more.
Regardless, I did not have a good time that night, and I danced the whole night. I blacked out, don't remember much, but I know I was too out of it to even be smart enough to buy water.
I feel so dumb because normally I'm super smart with my drug usage and normally if I do molly I don't drink or don't drink that much and I'm sure to drink plenty of water.
Needless to say I was unable to sleep this night as well.
Night #3 of the shows I just drank, did not take any drugs. Still unable to sleep.
Went back home the next day, I was having all sorts of psychotic freak outs, thinking the radio was extremely relevant to my life etc. Couldn't sleep that night either.
4 whole days without sleep, the longest I've ever been awake in my life. Went to work the next day, left early due to freaking out, got a bunch of xanax from my friend and did some dabs and finally fell asleep.
Slept for 8-12 hours.
Since then I have had a litany of symptoms and I've gone to the doctor who claims nothing is really wrong with me. Also seeing a psychologist, who is great, and he seems to think my issues are primarily psychological, which to be honest I really hope is true.
My symptoms in order from worst to least bad are:
1. Poor sleep. Hard to fall asleep, always wake up once or twice in the night, hard to fall back asleep. I'm getting maybe 4-5 hours at the most every single night.
No deep sleep, just very light sleep with vivid dreams.
2. Reduced cognitive functioning. It's hard to explain, but I just feel a lot dumber. I'm making spelling errors, my job doesn't annoy me as much...previously I hated my job because it was so simple and mindless, now it is somewhat challenging. I keep forgetting things at work.
3. No sex drive (this maybe should be number 2). I have basically no sex drive. Looking at an attractive woman, or looking at porn does nothing for me. I do have my ex gf I've been hanging out with, and I've managed to have sex with her a couple of times but it is downright embarassing. I can barely last 20 or 30 seconds at most. Not that I was the best lover before this, but I've never been this bad. Orgasms aren't totally enjoyable, they are but it just feels diminished. Also during this my cock is not as hard as it could be. In the past if I was horny it would be rock hard, now while I can get erect it is still kind of squishy. I will get middle of the night/morning wood sometimes but it is still the same. Not as hard as it should be.
4. No appetite. This is kind of wrapped up with 3, it's as if all of my desire is gone. I have no appetite, not like I used to. Sometimes my stomach will growl, and I'll know that I should eat, but it all feels so mechanical. I don't enjoy eating anymore. It sucks because I used to love eating! I'm not fat but I do love a good meal and I loved to cook.
5. to be honest I don't enjoy anything really. I haven't felt truly happy once in the past two months. Mentally I can be in a situation in which I know I should be feeling good, but I do not. Whether I am with friends or anything I can't enjoy things. It sucks. The only positive is I have quite smoking cigarettes, but that's only because I truly do not enjoy smoking anymore. Ditto for weed and alcohol. I have tried to drink beer but every time I do I just get paranoid and it feels like I can feel my brain dying and I'm becoming more dumb. Basically it's like I get the negative effects of drinking without the positives (happiness, raising of mood, etc).
6. Impaired motor coordination. This one is hard to tell, because in general I've been kind of a lazy person for a while, but even when I'm driving I'm not like I used to be. Previously I was a rather speedy and precise driver. I would maybe drive faster than other cars but always felt supremely in control and never reckless. Now I sometimes find myself going slightly under the speed limit and just being all around more slow.
7. My hair is falling out. I realize this is probably related to stress, but still it sucks regardless. My hair is falling out, also things just feel different, my skin feels different, my beard and hair feel more coarse.
8. Sensory changes. My sense of smell is different than before as is my sense of taste. Food does not taste as good as it did, and I often find myself not recognizing certain smells. Example: my work actually provides us with lunch. This is great, however once every couple weeks it is tuna sandwiches. I like fish, but I'm not a fan of tuna and can't even stand the smell, just makes me think of cat food. Right after this happened we had a tuna day, and I was in the lunch room and didn't recognize it, to me I thought I was smelling shit or rotten eggs, but it turned out to be tuna...it just didn't smell like tuna to me.
9. Impaired Digestion. Maybe this goes along with appetite, but my digestion is fucked. My piss stream is very week, even when I drink lots of water. And I barely shit. Maybe I'll shit once every day or two, but I don't feel constipated. Previously I was almost always a twice a day shitter. I loved taking nice big poops. Now my poops come less frequently and aren't as big. Also I don't really get that "feel good" feeling when I go to the bathroom. Previously if I had to pee really bad, or take a big shit, and then did so, I would feel amazing relief and it would be very pleasurable to let it all go, now it just feels like I'm opening a latch and letting things fall out.
Those are really I think just about all of my symptoms. If I was going to add anything I would say depression/anxiety but that's pretty much a given at this point. Also for the first month after this happened I was having extreme psychosis where I often thought every day things were extremely relevant to my life. Things were downright spooky, thought Lucifer/Pan and other gods were trying to contact me, just lots of bizarre stuff happened.
I have thought perhaps this is a kundalini awakening of sorts but all of the effects are so negative. Also the psychosis has kind of stopped, but now I'm even worrying if that's a bad thing. At least when that was going on I felt that I had my wits about me. Now it seems as if that has slowed down, but I honestly wonder if it's because my brain in general has slowed down as well. I truly cannot think like how I used to think.
I'm praying that all of this is depression and/or anxiety but that just seems too much for me. I've been very depressed before (or so I thought, tbh I was actually quite depressed before this happened) and I've been anxious about things, but I Have never had so many physical effects.
That's what primarily concerns me. I can deal with being sad or having paranoid, almost schizophrenic like thoughts, but when my body seems to start failing, that's when I worry. I know that anxiety and mental disorders can cause some of the physical symptoms, but for all of this to be happening to me? It just doesn't make sense other than thinking I've severely damaged my serotonin system which regulates all of these functions.
The worst is I talk to friends and they say I just need to chill out and get some rest and I'll feel better. I've only been trying to chill out for the past two month. I can hang out at home and be lazy and watch tv, or spend the day outside and at the end I don't feel much better. Worse is I straight up cannot sleep well at all. I'm even taking ambien now and that doesn't help much. I just want to be able to sleep and get back to normal. If I didn't have parents who love me deeply, and I wasn't afraid of the afterlife consequences, I would definitely kill myself. I feel like I have squandered the few things I had going for me, and now I just feel awful about everything. Aside from that the only thing keeping me going is the idea that I will get better. But as time goes on that's harder and harder.
I just don't know what to do. I know I should exercise more, and I'm trying to eat right, but it's so hard when I can't get enough sleep. I really just have no desire to exercise when I only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep in a night. It just sucks not knowing what exactly is wrong and what exactly I need to do to fix it.
