Hey guys and gals!
My journey has been a tough ride, and even tho my symptoms are better overall its left me with a major depression and in a way i've become manic in regards to finding a way to get better from it all.
Im stuck with chronic 24/7 Derealization, havent had to deal with depersonalization a lot, and today marks the month 6.
I havent taken any meds yet more then benzo about 1 time/week when its been unbarable. Im now strongly thinking about going on an SSRI to try to get rid of the depression.
My depression stems from the derealization since its there all the time and makes me feel like utter crap. Has anyone recoverd from dp/dr MDMA induced?
I do go to work 50% but theres no enjoyment whatsoever. Ive also seen a therapist 35 times with no relief in anything. He also got pissed at me for contacting a psychiatrist.
I feel so stuck as if im on a boat in the middle of nowhere and no land in sight. I really dont know what to do. Im scared shitless of taking SSRI's or anything similar.
In one hand my dr and the bucket of symptoms i have are better compared to 6 months ago when it all started, making them worse with SSRI is not something id like.
But living in a constant major depression aint livable either, zero quality of life.
Dear members of BL what do you think. I know im grabbing for straws but thas all i can right now. I hope you guys are doing better! Much love/understanding/hope/prayer to you all!
I have reached out to family and friends but nothing seems to help. I appreciate any reply. Wish i didnt have to survive one day at a time like it is now.
A quick foreword: I have copied and pasted some of this post from files saved on my PC in order to save me some time. Just letting it be known since I've made use of them in the past as well (again, due to time constraints).
After a very stressful few months at a new position where I was working at the time, interspersed with an almost-equally stress-filled time at home unable to sleep and/or dealing with family issues which some would consider petty, I suddenly came down with about ~20 'LTC' symptoms in early June 2005 after I had regrettably decided to consume some untested ecstasy pills during time off from my responsibilities.
Based on a streamlined journal I decided to keep in order to track my progress, if any, the ~20 aforementioned symptoms were as follows:
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chronic cognitive impairment (or brain fog)
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chronic uncomfortable awareness of heartbeat throughout entire body (especially when sitting or laying down)
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chronic depersonalization (felt as if my body wasn't my own)
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chronic derealization (a noticeable alteration in the perception of the world around me)
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feeling of heaviness when standing (it always got temporarily worse whenever I'd be doing aerobic and/or resistance exercises)
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frequent numbness and tingling sensations (almost always in my hands and feet)
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sudden (but occasional and very short lasting) vertigo (very severe, but would last only a second or two at most)
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chronic difficulty concentrating/focusing
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chronic low energy & easily fatigued upon physical exertion (perhaps due to adrenal fatigue, but not sure)
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chronic headache (it would frequently alternate from the back of my head to my forehead, and sometimes behind my eyes)
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frequent vivid dreams (frequently disturbing due to vividness)
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chronic depression (due to the circumstances which I found myself in)
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chronic anxiety (I was already suffering from severe anxiety far before this happened)
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frequent (very severe) panic attacks (I was experiencing panic attacks far before this happened, but less intense)
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chronic paranoia (began to think irrational thoughts about my LTC being the result of a curse)
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chronic insomnia (was suffering from infrequent, occasional bouts of insomnia far before this happened, but it was never chronic)
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chronic shortness of breath (was suffering from this far beforehand, but wasn't chronic until the LTC - anxiety related)
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frequent mood swings (heavily influenced by anxiety/panic issues + the LTC)
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frequent (almost chronic) tinnitus (to this day, I have no solid idea why I was experiencing this symptom, but perhaps it could have been due to hypertension due to stress/anxiety/paranoia)
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chronic digestion issues (irritable bowel, colitis, nausea - again, not sure why I was experiencing this - perhaps because there are serotonin receptors in and around the gut?)
For the first ~6 months, I attempted to deal with my 'LTC' without the use of any medications, but rather, by way of fundamentally changing my lifestyle to one which exemplifies a yearning for short and long term health.
Every morning, I did my best to start the day with at least 20 minutes or more of aerobic exercise - usually in the form of jogging and/or elliptical training. This was followed up with a protein-rich, carbohydrate-moderate, fat-poor (especially saturated and trans saturated fats) diet which emphasized home-made foods low on preservatives and processing. Anything fried was avoided, and baked/boiled/grilled was not. Vegetables were eaten raw instead of cooked, and sweeter fruits such as grapes were consumed in moderation. I drank at least 2L of charcoal-filtered (purified) water daily, rarely resorted to fruit juice, and never touched sodas, but enough about that.
The point is that nothing what I did made a significant difference. My symptoms were still affecting me, and, just as severe as day 1. So I finally gave in to the recommendations of my family physician, and I saw a psychiatrist.
After a brief period of a 'trial and error,' in which I quickly went on and off of three different SSRIs because I couldn't tolerate the side effects, I finally was able to stick with the 4th one on the list, known as Zoloft (Sertraline). A Benzodiazepine known as Xanax (Alprazolam) was also prescribed in combination with the Zoloft (Sertraline) in order to help me deal with the side effects of the SSRI, and to aid me in quickly relieving these absolutely massive panic attacks I was experiencing as well as the related anxiety/fear/paranoia/nervousness/etc.
Although it took ~3 months before I noted in my journal that I could clearly feel a - non-placebo effect - decrease in the severity of my symptoms, the continual daily use of 100mg of Zoloft (Sertraline) for ~8 months in total (first 2 weeks of treatment = 50mg OD, followed afterwards by 100mg OD) somehow successfully eliminated all of the above symptoms for good - with the exception of:
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chronic low energy & easily fatigued upon physical exertion (perhaps due to adrenal fatigue, but not sure)
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chronic difficulty concentrating/focusing
So in order to eliminate the last two symptoms, I switched to a different antidepressant which inhibits the reuptake of Dopamine and Norepinephrine instead of Serotonin. The name of this antidepressant is Wellbutrin XL (Bupropion). It is known as a DNRI (Dopamine & Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor), and the reason why I specifically asked to be switched to it was because I suspected that, since many of the ecstasy pills I had used were known to contain Methamphetamine (AFAIK, a Dopamine receptor agonist and neurotoxin), I hypothesized that this was the best chance to rid myself completely of all symptoms.
After ~4 months total on Wellbutrin XL (Bupropion) 300mg OD (Once Daily) + the Xanax (Alprazolam), which I had - at my prescribing doctor's behest - remained on for a few reasons such as dependency, side effects from Wellbutrin XL (Bupropion) such as seizures, and a coincidental revelation that it greatly aided with reducing the incidences of intrusive thoughts which stemmed from childhood physical and sexual abuse, all my symptoms were gone for good.
To make sure that the Xanax (Alprazolam) was not masking anything, I checked several times by stopping it completely for periods of 4 to 8 weeks, and no symptoms returned at all. It should be noted that my doctor was fully aware of this, but understandably became concerned about withdrawal symptoms, and repeatedly told me to get my ass to an ER if I was feeling extremely uncomfortable, as well as to make sure there was someone always around to basically babysit.
Also, just to clear things up, once I switched to the Wellbutrin XL (Bupropion) from Zoloft (Sertraline), I did not remain on both medications. I'm just letting you know just in case because other people have asked me about this.
Other than that, I also made sure to exercise every morning for 20-45min, avoided stressful situations, stopped keeping in touch with bad influences, ate a healthy diet, and avoided using every drug including alcohol, caffeine, and tobacco/nicotine.
To this day, I don't know exactly how or why these medications helped me to recover, but I'm 100% sure I'd still be sick without them.
Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee that they will work for you, as we all respond differently to psychotropic drugs, but you should at least consider talking about it with your psychiatrist.
In total, I was sick for ~19 months with ~20 'LTC' symptoms - including Derealization and Depersonalization - and recovered with the aid of 3 medications, it seems.
You may or may not have to resort to Rx drugs - I'm not sure. Either way, don't give up. I know it's extremely difficult to function because I was once where you are. And God knows I was really close to killing myself because of it. Thankfully, I didn't.
A long time has passed since I was suffering from the aforementioned symptoms; from this so called 'Long Term Comedown,' but I'll never forget about it for as long as I live, of that I'm certain.
I wish you all the best in your recovery. Have a wonderful day
