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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 2)

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Its not PTSD or anything. Its just how standard anxiety/panic attacks are. You get some panic attack and get afraid of it happening again. People develop panic disorder out of nowhere/unrelated to drugs and its the same thing. I also obsess about my "panic" reaction but I am told this all goes away at recovery. Never ever had a panic attack again after that night. Panic attacks can trigger panic disorder or gen anxiety. This wouldn't be caller PTSD.
 
I dont think im goin to fully get thru this. Jus death wishes suicide thoughts.. my main problem is anxiety. my major fear is having a panic attack like the first day this happened. I feel i have ptsd. i keep thinking itll happen again. is that stupid???? im afraid oh god its gonna happen again.. that day the huge panic attack. ;( seriously if i knew for sure it wasnt gonna happen ill be recovered. I have no worries besides the worry of not getting better. is that bein my fear stupid. its jus that day was so so bad... i feel traumatized its been 8 months of anxiety jus waiting for it to happen....

Hey Jen, I HIGHLY doubt you'll have anything like what happened the first time around. Bare in mind that your first panic attack occured on your initial comedown, the one that EVERYONE who uses E experiences. In this initial phase your brain is fried, and you have a major chemical imbalance.

8 months have gone since then. The chemical imbalance in your brain is not as servere now, since you've had 8 months of recovery. The anxiety youre experiencing now is just an echo of how your mind was feeling during your initial comedown. You're remembering the feeling of how horrible it was. That's essentially what anxiety is, a feeling.

My post-roll anxiety has always been worse the night after a roll. It goes up and down for a while afterwards, but it never quite reaches the initial post-roll levels.

PM me if things get tough!

Hope you get well soon x
 
Hi, I know I keep asking lots of very situational questions and its annoying but I have a really important one. I know we have lots of anxiety and shit. But some physical symptoms are very very real, like when I lift my leg too high I started having circulatory problems. Someone bought me a plane ticket to go somewhere with him but i'm really scared to be honest. Having an anxiety in the flight can be annoying but manageable. But having something REAL happening is really really scary. Any advice or any idea if theres a risk?
 
Hi, I know I keep asking lots of very situational questions and its annoying but I have a really important one. I know we have lots of anxiety and shit. But some physical symptoms are very very real, like when I lift my leg too high I started having circulatory problems. Someone bought me a plane ticket to go somewhere with him but i'm really scared to be honest. Having an anxiety in the flight can be annoying but manageable. But having something REAL happening is really really scary. Any advice or any idea if theres a risk?

What exactly happens when you lift your leg?
 
lets say when im sleeping or im sitting at mt computer chair, the blood flows very poorly and im getting ''ants in the leg'' and it stats rumbling and being numb.
 
@ro4eva

And you had absolutely no issues coming off of Xanax?

Absolutely, I did - it was easily one the worst withdrawals I've ever experienced :!

The first three days were complete hell; the first week was terrible; the 2 weeks afterwards were also very to somewhat difficult (as the days passed by).

I couldn't sleep at all, was having random panic attacks, felt at some points like I was going nuts, had to deal with some very disturbing intrusive thoughts, and so forth.

Once again, I cannot stress how utterly horrible the first three days off of it were.

I should also note that afterwards I found out that I was not supposed to simply stop taking that medication, but rather slowly come off of it by tapering over a 6 to 8 week period. And then I was notified that I could have even - in the worst case scenario - had a seizure, which, when you realize that I was also on Wellbutrin XL (Bupropion) at the time, makes me feel very fortunate that I didn't have one. And no, my prescribing physician never mentioned the tapering part, or I have a terrible memory.
 
lets say when im sleeping or im sitting at mt computer chair, the blood flows very poorly and im getting ''ants in the leg'' and it stats rumbling and being numb.

Do you fold your legs one over the other one a regular basis when sitting at the computer?

I ask because if you do, well, I used to do it as well and I would always end up with "ants in my legs" / numb lower legs and feet.

I have some bad news though: After doing that for about 18 months on a regular basis while at my desktop PC playing WoW or another game, I seem to have done some permanent damage to my nerves beginning at my ankles and going downwards all the way to my toes. They are not completely numb or anything like that, but rather, whenever I touch certain areas of either ankle or foot, I experience a jolting sensation and/or patches of numbness in various places. And I have no doubt it's from my habit of folding my feet while at my computer in a cramped fashion due to the small chair. So, this is just a heads up about that for you just in case.

If you do not fold your legs but still experience the numbness and tingling, perhaps you should see your family physician about it, as it may be due to poor circulation or even really low blood pressure (or something else). This is a very common and known symptom though, so you should be able to receive the proper care for it (try not to worry).
 
@thefinalpush:
Your private message storage is full, so Ill post it here, could be interesting for others, too.


Im in month 9 and I take Valdoxan for about 5 months now. I take the 25mg, too, but there is just a marginal benefit. Today my Therapist told me that recent studies say, that smoking reduces the effect of Valdoxan and Im a smoker. 10-20 cigs a day. Maybe I should double the dosage(of Valdoxan :D). What about you? Do you smoke?
My LTC started back in June and I made a good progress so far. Anxiety and depression are still there but not as bad as in the beginning. Life got much easier with time :) I found my self some good ways out of this.(Like sports, new hobbys, working etc.)
 
question for people with anxiety, has anyone tried cbd oil. Its legal in all 50 states here in the states. I was just wondering if this would be a help for some of the ltc sufferers. I am not out the woods. I still have foggy vision and head pressure here and there but anxiety is pretty much gone. I've been reading up on cbd and I wish I had tried it at the beginning of my comedown. read that it helps with sleep, anxiety, etc. If anyone has tried it please let me know what you thought about it. I'm curious. Hell, maybe it'll help with my head pressure, who knows.
 
Hi guys, it's me again

Currently I am experiencing some kind of setback. For the past few days (7-9) I have been feeling that my LTC condition is getting worse day after day and that I am going backwards. I have had greater difficulties concentrating, speaking to people and just feeling sick. It was only a few days ago I passed the 3 month mark.

Is it normal to get a setback like this? Have you experienced one? I haven't done anything unordinary except a beer I drank a week ago but I can't possibly imagine it being the reason of this.

I want to think that the LTC is like an inclining sinus curve. On the long term, you will feel better but on the path towards becoming free you will experience bad periods and good periods, but this is the first time I am having a bad period...

Sinus curve below for you that doesn't get it.

Ch8-10.gif
 
Struggling again last few days. Can anyone relate to this: feeling like you have the stimulant body high for no reason (not in a good way), like feeling incredibly light and speedy. Also getting feelings of like incredible negative energy running over my whole body and my entire body tenses up, like I'm being electrocuted. I went out shopping the other day and I had this speedy feeling all over, I was waiting in a shop and the electrocution feeling just washed over me so intense, caused me to have a pretty much full on panic attack and walk out the shop. I feel like I need to clench my muscles all over. Also had a twitch in my eye non stop for 4 months...
 
Hi guys, it's me again

Currently I am experiencing some kind of setback. For the past few days (7-9) I have been feeling that my LTC condition is getting worse day after day and that I am going backwards. I have had greater difficulties concentrating, speaking to people and just feeling sick. It was only a few days ago I passed the 3 month mark.

Is it normal to get a setback like this? Have you experienced one? I haven't done anything unordinary except a beer I drank a week ago but I can't possibly imagine it being the reason of this.

I want to think that the LTC is like an inclining sinus curve. On the long term, you will feel better but on the path towards becoming free you will experience bad periods and good periods, but this is the first time I am having a bad period...

Sinus curve below for you that doesn't get it.

Ch8-10.gif


Definitely. I have ups and downs a lot. Some days I'm even convinced I'm over it, and then it gets dark again.

Other than a very noticeable and visible heartbeat most of the time, most of my physical symptoms have declined. I figure that I'll keep having the emotional ups and downs untill my adrenaline/hormones (or whatever it is doing this to my heart) has rectified itself. (An ecg and doctors check up has ruled out heart damage)

The good news is that the good periods get better and the bad periods less intense. I've not had E in nearly 7 weeks now, tapering off from a period of heavy usage. The longest I've gone without it since may last year. I easily feel the best in myself since August when I went crazy with it.

If this heart thing would go, I'd feel so much better for sure. It's weird, like I'm constantly stimulated. Must be adrenal glands or something. Doesn't mess with me as much as it used to, but it's still there
 
Badroll7 - I smoked a very high CBD/low THC strain called "cannatonic" at the tail end of my LTC. I found CBD to be amazing for anxiety and almost an anti depressant. Be careful though, THC can cause major anxiety problems, esp if you are dealing with a drug induced anxiety disorder.
 
Definitely. I have ups and downs a lot. Some days I'm even convinced I'm over it, and then it gets dark again.

Other than a very noticeable and visible heartbeat most of the time, most of my physical symptoms have declined. I figure that I'll keep having the emotional ups and downs untill my adrenaline/hormones (or whatever it is doing this to my heart) has rectified itself. (An ecg and doctors check up has ruled out heart damage)

The good news is that the good periods get better and the bad periods less intense. I've not had E in nearly 7 weeks now, tapering off from a period of heavy usage. The longest I've gone without it since may last year. I easily feel the best in myself since August when I went crazy with it.

If this heart thing would go, I'd feel so much better for sure. It's weird, like I'm constantly stimulated. Must be adrenal glands or something. Doesn't mess with me as much as it used to, but it's still there

The worst thing about this is not being able to share this with others. There is few people that know about what me, you and all the other people here are dealing with. Sometimes I just feel the urge to tell a complete stranger about how fucking miserable my life is, and that this person should maximise the fuck out of their life. There is so much I want to do but cant in the near future and sometimes I imagine what I will do if I never return to my old self.

If there is one positive thing about this that is that I am thankful for this happening when I am 21 and not 31. Imagine having a family when getting hit by LTC. This is an opportunity. Take this chance and work with yourself. This induced anxiety disorder we are experiencing comes from somewhere. Maybe from a miserable childhood, from a traumatic forgotten experience etc. Do it now - while you already are tied up with this.

I am a fucking warrior who will overcome this and so will you!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!
 
If there is one positive thing about this that is that I am thankful for this happening when I am 21 and not 31. Imagine having a family when getting hit by LTC. This is an opportunity. Take this chance and work with yourself. This induced anxiety disorder we are experiencing comes from somewhere. Maybe from a miserable childhood, from a traumatic forgotten experience etc. Do it now - while you already are tied up with this.

I am a fucking warrior who will overcome this and so will you!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!

Thanks man, you are putting my thoughts into words. I believe, no I know, that we only get out of this, if we learn to change ourself, if we learn to hear our inner selfs and change something in our life. Everyone who comes out positive has turned his life in a better life than he had before. And so will we all. There is an effort, but its really worth it. This all happened for a reason. I just know it.
Why does this happen to guys in the early 20s or in the late teens? Maybe our brain wants to bring us back on the right track, before it's to old to learn and heal properly.
 
Why does this happen to guys in the early 20s or in the late teens?

Because there are more young people doing MDMA than older people established with families etc. However, there are many "older" guys on BL that suffer a LTC as well, many 30+ stories, even guys with families. I was 26 when I got hit.
Not trying to undermine your point BTW, I agree and I think finding meaning in this situation is an extremely important factor for continuing a normal life in spite of the "LTC".
 
After reading these post i feel like im the only one getting symptoms lile dry ness. Such as bloodshot eyes on the random. Dry skin. Etc. Anyone else had to deal with this and how to get over it?
 
Dont worry man. My lips are crispy, acne is worse and I now have a blown blood vessel in the eye. Drink water. Lots of it. I dont know what else to tell you
 
Hi guys, it's me again

Currently I am experiencing some kind of setback. For the past few days (7-9) I have been feeling that my LTC condition is getting worse day after day and that I am going backwards. I have had greater difficulties concentrating, speaking to people and just feeling sick. It was only a few days ago I passed the 3 month mark.

Is it normal to get a setback like this? Have you experienced one? I haven't done anything unordinary except a beer I drank a week ago but I can't possibly imagine it being the reason of this.

I want to think that the LTC is like an inclining sinus curve. On the long term, you will feel better but on the path towards becoming free you will experience bad periods and good periods, but this is the first time I am having a bad period...

Sinus curve below for you that doesn't get it.

Ch8-10.gif

During my ~19 months on the mend, I experienced dozens of 'bumps in the road' which lasted as little as a day, and as long as 2 weeks according to a journal I kept, and which I recently decided to read through again after opening it for the first time in at least 5+ years.

They were very difficult to deal with and at the same time maintain a positive or optimistic outlook because it felt as if I was slipping backwards into my original full blown / full flare up state of symptoms with respect to their intensity / severity.

During one of these episodes, I was extremely upset and frustrated, and decided to try and numb myself with alcohol, but the hangover lasted much longer than any relief from my symptoms.

I didn't really do anything noteworthy to get past these 'bumps...' other than eating a healthy diet, being physically active daily, getting plenty of rest, avoiding stressful situations as much as possible, avoiding the use of any drugs other than the two that I was prescribed by my psychiatrist, and trying to keep my mind stimulated by way of a hobby in order to try and avoid constantly worrying that I'd never feel 'normal' again.

Not that I'm proud of it, but before finally getting sick with this so called 'LTC,' I ate well over 1,000 untested ecstasy pills (and molly capsules), and I did not do myself any favors since I didn't bother waiting for my serotonin to recover or regenerate. And many times I would mix it up with booze, weed, and other drugs - particularly cigarettes because they felt so good when rolling. So yeah, I probably fried a lot of brain cells, but my point in telling you all this is that if I was able to bounce back (with a lot of help from others), then I'm optimistic that others can too, including yourself if done properly. And I know that's vague of me to say, but I'm not sure if you will need to resort to the use of meds or not as an example.

I wish you all the best with completely overcoming this extremely difficult time in your life, and believe me when I say that it's not impossible, but it will take time and effort on your part, and unfortunately you may need to let go of certain things if you wish to truly mend yourself such as certain friends who may be bad influences, and recreational drugs as well (including alcohol, which is neurotoxic and carcinogenic), take care.
 
The worst thing about this is not being able to share this with others. There is few people that know about what me, you and all the other people here are dealing with. Sometimes I just feel the urge to tell a complete stranger about how fucking miserable my life is, and that this person should maximise the fuck out of their life. There is so much I want to do but cant in the near future and sometimes I imagine what I will do if I never return to my old self.

If there is one positive thing about this that is that I am thankful for this happening when I am 21 and not 31. Imagine having a family when getting hit by LTC. This is an opportunity. Take this chance and work with yourself. This induced anxiety disorder we are experiencing comes from somewhere. Maybe from a miserable childhood, from a traumatic forgotten experience etc. Do it now - while you already are tied up with this.

I am a fucking warrior who will overcome this and so will you!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!

My sentiments exactly. Something that comes to mind is "the burnt hand teaches best". I have burned my mind and body from how reckless I was with a VERY potent psychoactive substance last year. But in a way, I have been fortunate. Friends of mine, for example, are in the habit of smashing pills and powder nearly every weekend, there usage extends before mine, and continues to this very day with no signs of abating. Although I am aware of only one other person who I know personally who has suffered anything resembling a LTC, I can't imagine such usage as seen in my friends and wider circle is sustainable over a period of years. I truly believe that my brain and body is smart. My brain and body suddenly went "mate, fuck this, carry on like this and in ten years you will be a zombie". Like an early warning system kicked in. For my friends, and others like them all over the world, this early warning system hasn't kicked in. We're all in our early 20s now, but what about when we're 30, or 40, or 50? After 20 years of taking E at least once a month, I think even the most drug-resistant constitution will crash, and it will crash hard. I always advise caution to my friends, but of course, they are reckless, like I was. There is nothing wrong with drugs as such, but RESPONSIBILITY IS KEY. And unlike the generations of the past, this generation seems to have thrown responsibility out of the window and the debt-collector will be knocking at the door in the future, believe me. Perhaps we on this thread have been fortunate in that the debt we have racked up, although severe, has happened sooner rather than later. We are now AWARE of our errors, and from what I have gathered, ALL of us recover in one way or another.

In that way, I am thankful for this LTC. Pain is the ultimate teacher.

"Pain can be endured and defeated only if it is embraced. Denied or feared, it grows"

Update on my own situation: mood is DEFINITELY better and seems to be holding steadier now. I still get transient moments of anxiety, but I'm finding the skills I've acquired in CBT to be SO helpful. I write these strange and disturbing thoughts down, and really pick them apart. Really pay attention to how my feelings react to thoughts and vice versa.

Still feeling kind of hyper-stimulated and speedy. Pulse is still strong, seems to worsen after drinking coke but that could just be too much sugar. Otherwise seems totally unaffected by diet. The only physical symptom I have now. Jolts of adrenaline when falling asleep, weird palpitations in chest when turning head, the shakes, random tingling and pains in body have all gone now thank fuck.

Did some power-yoga yesterday. The video I followed along with was this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbcG_7sm6u4 . Felt pretty good afterwards, would recommend it you people here.
 
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