Yeah this is the worst experience of my life. I honestly would kill myself but it is against my beliefs
I was ready to take my own life too, back in 2006; back when I was feeling hopeless and alone, as well as completely terrified that I'd be spending the rest of my existence feeling like complete shit. It was so bad that I would look forward to falling asleep again as soon as possible after waking up. There was more pleasure in my life, and more peace of mind during whenever I was basically unconscious during sack time. How pathetic must that sound to those I had told?
At one point, I had actually decided to end it by way of a drug overdose, at which point a cop paid me a visit where I was staying at the time, and it was just before I had planned to swallow about 90 Zopiclone pills. He and his partner then rather gently restrained me, after which I was brought to the local psych ward where I ended up spending a week on 24 hour suicide watch.
Later on I found out that, while I was at the hospital getting some tests done, some nurse apparently overheard me quietly muttering to myself while supposedly weeping that "I can't do this anymore," and that "I always prefer to be asleep / unconscious instead of awake." I don't remember if that's exactly what had happened that day, but I do remember praying and... well... very emotional, and frustrated, and more, but I digress.
I think we could all each write a book about our experience trying to live any semblance of a 'normal' life while sick with this so called LTC - I know I could, but for now I'm content to try and help others.
Anyways, spending a week in the psych ward ironically was the catalyst which started me on the bumpy and very long road to recovery. It's there that I was able to finally accept the fact that I needed help in the form of psychiatrist, and possibly extra prescription meds. Because up until then, my family doctor had been Rxing me some Imovane to help me sleep (known as Lunesta in the U.S. IIRC). And there was no more idiot remarks from certain relatives telling me to "shut up and walk it off," or to "stop wallowing in self-pity and be a man," and so forth.
Soon after my week-long stint in the psych ward, I decided to take - what ended up amounting to - a little over 1/2 a year off of work and school in order to fully concentrate on my health; on recovering, and a couple of weeks later I found myself on Zoloft (Sertraline) and Xanax (Alprazolam) - which miraculously did away with nearly all my symptoms after ~6 months on the combination (I cannot objectively explain how, sorry). And soon afterwards, a switch from Zoloft to Wellbutrin XL (Bupropion) took place ~8 months after starting the SSRI, and within ~3 months on the Wellbutrin XL + Xanax, I was symptom-free.
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I know that things must feel incredibly bleak - both mentally and physically. Still, please don't kill yourselves over this. Your 'normal' life (health-wise) is not forever gone, and I'll bet my own health on that.
Fuck man - I really do wish there was an "easy" button available to us. I could sure as hell have used it when I was suffering, but no luck.
This line must be getting awfully irritating to be reading over and over, but regardless, hang in there, pray if you feel it'll help, take time off work/school if possible, seek medical attention if you wish (and fuck whoever insults you or gives you a hard time for choosing to do so), and do whatever it is that helps you to cope (as long as it doesn't end up making things worse in the long run). That's my advice anyways. It's not perfect; not gonna work for everyone; plus it'll require a lot of patience unfortunately.
Damn whatever this 'LTC' is exactly that has caused
so much pain and suffering to teenagers and young adults from all corners of the planet. Words are not very effective in this situation, yet I am still so sorry you all have had to cross this bridge. So very, very sorry
I'm not gonna do a lot of explaining (read my previous posts), but to put it short - I suffered from a long term MDMA-induced comedown, I was considering killing myself due to the anxiety, I struggled through and I'm on the other side now (it's exactly 1 year ago now).
