I'm here tonight to say hi to all my fellow BL members.
I'm sorry for my continued absence from this forum - i know my story offers both hope and concern for many who find themselves lost.
I remember the feeling well. I was alone in the midst of the greatest suffering I had ever experienced, perhaps the greatest suffering that any human could experience. My 'ltc' taught me that the network of nerves connecting the intestines to the brain is responsible for the greatest parts of being human.
It burns a road through the mind, inhibiting various pathways, until at its destination it activates the highest pathways evolved in our history. These high brain functions of empathy and love are the consequence of a great inhibition, like a dam holding back a river. We inherit this wonderful gift, yet it is fragile. Damaging this system can unleash a relentless flow of suffering, in a way that cannot be successfully communicated to others.
Family members, doctors, fellow drug users, even the most well-intentioned harm reduction advocates on BL - they all fall short of understanding. I felt so alone.
It was my goal to create a path, to light the way for future victims.
I wanted to offer the most detailed posts, describing the basic understanding of research that I gained.
I knew that details were critical to an early sufferer - knowledge is empowering, even for the weakest and most destroyed among us.
I want all of the current victims to feel a message of love.
I truly understand the prison you find yourself in now. I wrap my arms around all of you.
Please do not feel alone - part of me is always on this forum. I really feel like I pounded out a part of my spirit from my keyboard into Bluelight.
You must forgive your families and doctors.
You must forgive other members of this community who strive to understand or some who outright dismiss you.
They cannot understand, and it is to your benefit to forgive and accept. The best you can hope to do is educate and prevent another victim.
My posts were almost always capped off with a statement about minimizing re-dosing.
In research, re-dosing is the primary and guaranteed way to induce neurotoxic changes that would be apparent for years.
Repeated doses always lead to brain damage in rodents and primates, and there is evidence that humans require fewer and smaller doses to induce damage than animals. For me, redosing at least once per session was guaranteed.
My greatest wish is to prevent this agony among other young people who are led into a confident and even arrogant stance about this most amazing and powerful chemical. Serotonin contracts the smooth muscles of the intestines and it also forms a pathway of empathy, joy, love, and sexuality in the brain. How can anyone know just how critical this connection is unless they are told?
Here is another important message - the brain damages itself during 'recovery'.
I believe this is true for many types of drug recovery - only after the offending agent is withdrawn does the brain have to begin re-wiring pathways. It certainly felt this way to me - 'recovery' was a laughable term, no the brain burns new pathways literally dismantling part of your identity.
I described it as follows - my intestines were raping my brain and destroying my soul.
Constantly. Without end.
For others, visceral complaints are not always as severe as mine, but they are still common.
Now after almost FOUR years of 'recovery' I still suffer from digestive complaints that could be described as IBS.
As well as ongoing intolerance to heavy alcohol or cannabis use.
I find that opiates and benzos are well-tolerated, but only in careful moderation.
Work is still more difficult than it used to be, but I work a stressful 55 hours per week and live a reasonable life in north Texas.
Just tonight I experienced a severe spike in blood pressure because I drank heavily two nights ago (6 beers).
I was naseaus and felt like a stroke was imminent.
Before tonight, I have been stable for months.
My depression is long gone, although I seem unable to gain weight back that I lost a year ago after a major anxiety attack.
I have had TIAs before and I fear a real stroke awaits me in the future. Honestly, I am shocked that tonight didn't kill me!
Great news: I fear death.
For much of the first year, death held little meaning.
In many ways, I had already died. In such a real way, I was forever gone.
I thought I would never fear leaving this life again.
Even physical pain would have been easily tolerated.
It became easy to understand why kids on SSRIs have commited suicide or mass murder.
But now after a long 'recovery', my brain has regained a sense of fear, regret, even guilt over the idea of leaving my family.
I would leave behind a beautiful wife and five year old daughter, both have watched me struggle for four years.
What tragedy it would be for me to finally pass after all this time!
I am in tears just writing this.
But this sense of fear, is a good sign of higher brain function.
And I should repeat - depression is LONG GONE.
Sexual function is consistent and satisfactory with occasional improvements.
Sleep is adequate and work is tolerable.
My vision will never fully recover, but I no longer consider it bothersome.
HPPD was terrible in the beginning, but this is a mild loss of acuity. Visual memory is also less sharp.
Overall, I just feel like an older man. I am 33 years old, but I feel 45.
This all started when I was 29, and I felt 25!
What a hard and enduring process this has been.
To those reading during a time of suffering, please do not regard my story as a bad sign.
No - I am evidence that the brain will continue to re-wire and change for years to come.
There are other stories of people 5 or 10 years into recovery that have little or no response to sex, drugs, or even interaction with other people. The bad stories are tales of permanent emptiness.
Mine is a story of pain and fullness of life.
I can enjoy so much more than I ever thought I would.
Music is one of them. Exercise. Sex. Laughter. Occasional light drug use.
I am glad BL was there for me when I needed it, and I'm saddened that I lack the time and desire to contribute the way I used to. I hope to continue leaving a path of recovery. Perhaps another four years will reveal a whole new me.
I nearly died tonight, or so it felt to me.
I was genuinely afraid and I thought about this community.
I want to be remembered as someone that really cared and tried to help others.
To my friend Tyller - I am so sorry you didn't make it.
I hope I'm not destined to join you anytime soon!
No matter what, we are all going to die one day.
Consider it a blessing that you have learned more about the value of life and health than most of those you will ever meet.
Love yourself and the time you have been given. And believe me - it gets much better.
There is hope for even the most severe case.
You are much stronger than anyone in your life could understand. Be proud of yourself, when you can manage it.
Never stop trying. Time and good decisions will see you to a new fate.
I promise.
First Bad Comedown
