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Mdma recovery! Please help.. anyone with similar experience ? Please! This is hell

Ihatenotfeeling said:
I know there is a possibility this could end in a long time and there is also a possibility it couldn't.. only reason I haven't killed myself is because I'm chicken shit to do it.. I keep telling myself I'm going to do it then find myself waking up to another miserable day because I couldn't go threw with it.. it's a lot harder to kill yourself than you think also... bridge is the only like for sure way and jumping off a bridge is terrifying.. dying is terrifying but I just don't think I can handle this.
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I know you probably feel convinced it's permenant but it is really isn't. Your brain is controlling you with its low serotonin. A lot of us here including myself have been there and we're all getting better. You have to take our word for it! You won't get relief if you commit suicide. I was emotionless & anhedonic for a long period of time with no sense of hope. It's tough but if you get through it there's everything to gain.

You say that the only thing you can think of doing is killing yourself. I think that's because you want to take control of the situation which you feel helpless about. In my experience it was about learning to 'let go' in the sense of stopping trying to fix it. Medication might help -significantly- or not at all but once you learn to accept it, as infinitely difficult as it sounds and definitely is, you will suffer less and then the improvements will start to come. So you need time and patience. In the meantime, mindfulness is the ultimate technique for survival. But it's a skill that needs to be learned and what other than this awful predicament with which to hone it.
 
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Well idk how to just let go.. it's like I'm obsessed with fixing the situation.. I can't except it.. my joints arnt helping either.. it's a daily reminder I fucked myself up.. when I go to excercice every single one is popping and cracking.. that can't be good what so ever... my mom just ignores me though and says it's normal for joints to pop... NOT ALL MOTHER FUCKING DAY LONG ITS NOT.
 
I'm sure I'll still fucking be here tomorrow though. Damnit. Idk when I'll finally be fed up enough to go through with my plan.
 
socrilus said:
Waking up every hour is not necessarily the 'deep sleep' that leads to recovery. As in You may think you are sleeping fine but may not be. See a psychiatrist asap.
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This - I'm glad that you're not up until 4am, but I still think your sleep could be better, and as it gets better with time or the right med you will feel better.

If you don't have DP/DR, strong visual disturbances or severe insomnia, then I'd honestly say you're looking pretty good and that you just have to stick it out and find what works for you.

Its actually really good news that you don't have any other symptoms aside from the depression.

Try not to worry about your joints too much. Stress can decrease the fluid that lubricates your joints, and increased muscle tension/anxiety/insomnia can just all lead to joint popping. Its nothing catastrophic - I've got joint hypermobility stuff from a collagen thing and I've had constant popping since I was young.

A big one is ribcage popping when people are anxiety breathing through the chest, instead of normal breathing through the stomach.
 
If I could just enjoy anything or distract myself it wouldn't be too bad.. but the fact I can't enjoy anything is fucking awful.. and yeah not other symptoms besides no feelings... and I can't feel love or connection with anything or anyone.
 
Ihatenotfeeling said:
If I could just enjoy anything or distract myself it wouldn't be too bad.. but the fact I can't enjoy anything is fucking awful.. and yeah not other symptoms besides no feelings... and I can't feel love or connection with anything or anyone.
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You don't know that your joints popping is permenant. At the start, I had chronic bouts of severe indigestion which on occurance caused me to give up all other activities, just to focus on the massively discomforting sensations. This lasted around 8 months and stopped suddenly without warning. At one point my jaw wouldn't open straight down without great difficulty, popping and skipping - the wind blowing against it alone caused it to hurt - against all odds, it's massively recovered now. I had a few other physical symptoms and I notice one of these at least once a minute - each time a reminder of how fucked I am. And nobody around me has been able to relate, telling people just induced frustration and amplified the feeling of isolation. So I see what you mean about your mum simply reassuring you - it seems like an inadequate response.

Letting go is just a phrase but I'm referring to an ongoing process of acceptance which can be cultivated with mindfulness. How do you learn mindfulness? - practicing Vipassana meditation is the best way. You've noticed that you don't have feelings and no love and connection with other people. This is what I experienced too. For me, it involved focusing on the lack of emotion, or my thoughts about the lack, my frustrations etc. until I knew every region of experience so that I learnt to cope. This is no easy task, but an endurance test with obstacle after obstacle. Please learn Vipassana, it won't fix you but it will reduce your suffering and make you strong. I have a very short and concise pdf. guide if you'd like me to inbox it you?
 
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8bit thanks for the advice.. how long did you take to recover from your emotional numbness ? How much did you do also ?
 
Ihatenotfeeling said:
8bit thanks for the advice.. how long did you take to recover from your emotional numbness ? How much did you do also ?
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It's okay. I'd say that I couldn't feel a single thing for at least 12 months, as in it felt like someone had poured concrete into my skull. I gained hardly noticeable but just about apparent emotions around this time and a fresh, invigorating sense of vitality after 14 months; now it's coming up to 18 months and I dare say I have experienced some emotions almost fully which is extremely pleasant after so long.

I did 330mg (powder from crystals) on my first roll and then at least 200mg per time (x20) over just over 12 months occasionally rolling two days consecutively.
 
Im currently 6 months into this horrible experience but I can say routine, therapy, exercise, healthy eating and meds do help. My outlook a month ago was constant suicidal thoughts every day. I still think like this at times but most of the time I can see that after this experience, I could lead a life more meaningful and fulfilling than any I would have lead without this suffering. Time And support does help so keep pushing on! I never thought I would be writing one of these posts supporting someone else a couple of months ago but people who go through these recoveries live better lives than people who go through life with no issues as we now know what is important and how much we take for granted.
 
And that's so long, Idk how I'm suppose to make it through, I don't think my mom has enough patience for that either she just keeps saying I have to pull myself out of it.
 
Ihatenotfeeling said:
Did you try any meds ?
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Yes, I tried Mirtazapine after 3 months which was extremely activating and strong back then. I can't comment on whether it was useful at first because I only took it a handful of times due to my extremely cautious outlook. I took it as and when I needed it, when I needed sleep desperately for next day obligations, for instance. I tried Piracetam which seemed to heighten my senses quite a bit but nothing else. I went on two trails of Sertraline (Zoloft) 50mg first few days then 25mg, the first one being around November 2016 for one week which wasn't pleasant but restored a degree of positive sensation+emotional capabilities in me and again another trial of it around March 2017 for 2 weeks which also seemed to help even once I came off. I continued taking Mirtazapine [only once off the Sertraline] rather inconsistently from March til about May when I went into weekly therapy, where I ruled out any psychological factors by working through them. My therapist convinced me to take the Mirtazapine daily (as prescribed) which I took at 7mg for around a month/two and now I've tapered down to 1/4 of a 15mg tablet.

Regrets9995 said:
Im currently 6 months into this horrible experience but I can say routine, therapy, exercise, healthy eating and meds do help. My outlook a month ago was constant suicidal thoughts every day. I still think like this at times but most of the time I can see that after this experience, I could lead a life more meaningful and fulfilling than any I would have lead without this suffering. Time And support does help so keep pushing on! I never thought I would be writing one of these posts supporting someone else a couple of months ago but people who go through these recoveries live better lives than people who go through life with no issues as we now know what is important and how much we take for granted.
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Regrets what meds did you use ? I'll be 4 months in on the 27th. How much did you use ? Have you noticed any change ? And when if so ?
 
They put me on Zoloft for a week and I didn't notice anything but they imediatley switched me to Wellbutrin because they thought it would work better. I've been on it 3 weeks and can't notice anything... and someone told me to stop taking it and switch to Prozac
 
Ihatenotfeeling said:
And that's so long, Idk how I'm suppose to make it through, I don't think my mom has enough patience for that either she just keeps saying I have to pull myself out of it.
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If your mom isn't giving you the understanding you need, I'd recommend trying to get a therapist. I saw three or four different ones at different periods of time. Just tell them everything.

Ihatenotfeeling said:
They put me on Zoloft for a week and I didn't notice anything but they imediatley switched me to Wellbutrin because they thought it would work better. I've been on it 3 weeks and can't notice anything... and someone told me to stop taking it and switch to Prozac
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Either one week isn't enough time for it to kick in or it really isn't having any effect. In my layman's opinion, the brain will sort itself out on its own but antidepressants may assist at the right time, they certainly aren't a one-trick fix.

I have to go offline for now but I wish you good luck.
 
I don't want to give any advice on meds as it sounds like you are confused enough as it is. I personally am on Zoloft which has allowed me to be functional enough to work 5 days a week. It really does come in waves durimg recovery as last week I felt like an empty shell and you can see on the recovery page that I was just posting out of anger at how unfair this situation is. However today I've worked, exercised ate well and despite still having loads of symptoms I've enjoyed my evening. Just got to strip your life right back to basics and build from there
 
Ihatenotfeeling said:
They put me on Zoloft for a week and I didn't notice anything but they imediatley switched me to Wellbutrin because they thought it would work better. I've been on it 3 weeks and can't notice anything... and someone told me to stop taking it and switch to Prozac
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IMO that's a rather short trial run of Zoloft - SSRIs are supposed to take a few weeks to begin to take effect.

In the beginning, I took Prozac and noticed no effects. So I think no effects from SSRIs is a thing for some, especially in the beginning.

But there are other classes of meds entirely, like mood stabilizers (lamotrigine) to talk to the docs about.

Hang in there.
 
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