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MDMA Makes me Sad

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Tikhil

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
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221
Location
Burlington Vt
It is such a wonderful chemical for the things it does to our perception of others. MDMA taught me true love, not the kind that one feels for a single other person but a love of life and the world around me. Yes I feel this way when I roll but looking back on rolls remind me that life is inherently good, and the world is a better place then it seems when things get tough.

It makes me sad that dispite this good, E has coused more damage to people in my
life then any drug I have ever known. My first suicide monday showed me what real depression was and I have feared it ever scinse. Sadness is heightened for me at all times for fear of this feeling. It was worth it despite that.

But i have seen, and since coming here have read stories that hurt my heart. Week rolls that I know will end in near life long depression, binges that show no regard for the future. I see people act in ways THEY KNOW TO BE FOOLISH. Simply for the hope that it will turn out for the best, maybe only one week of feeling like shit. I see girls popping rolls then drinking to black out...why waste the roll if you are not going to remember?

I don't care about drug abuse, its the users decision, but I cry inside when I read about high school kids abusing E because I think of my friends who will never be the same. E was the drug I hated most in high school, it took several friends from me and while I enjoyed coke and used it in the rave scene I never saw the negetive effects that my E abusing friends did. They are gone for now, and maybe forever. Trapped in a darkness that they had never known, blaming aspects of their life.


I see the same thing happen all the time, someone rolls a few times loves it and keeps it up. They take a break but suddenly start thinking their life is going to shit. Instead of realizing its due to a NT imbalance they blame everything else (friends, parents, school, jobs, ect) and embrace the drug. I see the future clearly enough for those folling this path, when the majic stops a long treatment of SSRIs is almost certain. Mouths or years of bottomless depression.

I know this post has no question, and maybe its more for the dark side but I post it here as a personal plea to have responsibility. I'm not perfect, I'm young and rarely wait a full month to roll again, so please don't think I'm taking down to those this applies to, I almost fell into the same trap.

People, have a care, physical problems caused by drugs can be treated and will fade, fucking up your brain chemistry has a long road to recovery, one filled with nothing but gnawing despair.
 
Very well writen, I think it should be left here. I hope alot more people get a chance to read it. When I first started using MDMA I knew nothing about the drug and used to take it most weekends for about 6 months (usually 1-2 pills in a sitting). I certainly feel some of the adverse effects from over doing it. I suffer from depression and my mood can go from very happy to very depressed, suicidal thoughts (I would never), also have trouble remembering certain things. After that 6 month period I spaced out each time I dropped by atleast 1 month. I have not had MDMA for 6 months but will be taking some this weekend which will also be followed by a long break. Please people have a little respect for your body.

Think smart and stay safe.
 
Extacy made me happy for a while, then after constant use, it permanently fucked me. i would say that it is important to save your rolls for special occasions, and not just for partying.
 
You know, i used to feel just like you. You seem to me, that you wrote this thread "depression induced". I used to feel just like you.

I have been on ecstasy over 300 times, and thats not my pill count. I used to feel the same way like peoples lives will be ruined, was saddened about my friends changes in themself how they will never be OK or be the same again. But bro.

Stop popping E, and you will not feel like this. I have been clean off pills for 6 months, and i feel so much better. I have almost forgotten what the ecstasy induced depression feels like, and TRUST ME, i have been there, felt that.

I used to say it permanently fucked me up, but I feel better each and every day. Its strange how our brains are wired, we can go through so much trauma and pain, and our brains work on trying to forget painful experiences. Thats why you can be fooled into a relapse, because you will be feeling so much better, but you wont remember how bad it was on the comedowns.

Our minds are powerful things.
 
Good post, I hope it helps someone make a healthy decision.

Many of the teens and young adults that you're talking about have a very independent-learn-from-my-own-mistakes type of attitude. Its unfortunate they discovered ecstasy in that point of their life, its such a beautiful drug when you use it a couple times a year.
 
b4rd said:
You know, i used to feel just like you. You seem to me, that you wrote this thread "depression induced". I used to feel just like you.

I have been on ecstasy over 300 times, and thats not my pill count. I used to feel the same way like peoples lives will be ruined, was saddened about my friends changes in themself how they will never be OK or be the same again. But bro.

Stop popping E, and you will not feel like this. I have been clean off pills for 6 months, and i feel so much better. I have almost forgotten what the ecstasy induced depression feels like, and TRUST ME, i have been there, felt that.

I used to say it permanently fucked me up, but I feel better each and every day. Its strange how our brains are wired, we can go through so much trauma and pain, and our brains work on trying to forget painful experiences. Thats why you can be fooled into a relapse, because you will be feeling so much better, but you wont remember how bad it was on the comedowns.

Our minds are powerful things.
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No, I wrote this while on the height of my vyvance dose for the day, I was talking to a friend back home who was in the suicide ward. I do write often when coming down and in the state of depression, but I try and write about the experience I had just had, try to capture a roll in words.

I'm fine. I've had bad days right after rolling but the last two times I rolled that did not even happen. I am saying that it hurts me to see others do this with no regard, because I have seen the end result. I could have written something similar while hungover from MDMA but it would likely have made me too down. I need to feel good to write about shitty things. Some people recover much better then others, and some get fucked over from far lower numbers of rolls. Many people who have rolled >200 times will be fine, and some who have rolled <100 will not.
I like E, i will continue use and I recommended it to many of my friends, it has done WONDERFUL things for the way I look at the world around me. I have used countless psychedelics but have found none to be as enlightening, therapeutic and life enriching as MDMA.
I am attempting to make a call to those who I read about on this forum, or see at parties, raves and my schools dorms. It hurts me to watch people take 3 or 4 rolls for 2 or more days in a row. It hurts to watch my friends take 3 points for a stupid house party, come down all week and just as hes feeling better do the exact same thing.
I actually have come to love my HORRIBLE come downs. Because of them I will never abuse MDMA the way some are able to. If I had not done research on that "odd shitty feeling" the next day I may have had an E period equivalent to some of the LSD binges I have been ok, and LSD is far more forgiving.

Care - I agree so wholly, despite being one of those teens. My saving grace has always been that experience for me means doing research, not turning myself into my personal lab rat (well sometimes I may...but only once I feel like it will be more or less ok)
 
Ecstasy is both a blessing and a curse. A two-headed monster of sorts. I have to say, its changed my life, for better and for worse. It has really opened my eyes, like Matrix style! I see my life and how the world is in a completely different light. I am more appreciative, more compassionate, more sociable. Its made me learn to love life, to love and respect life and the lives around me.

Here is the other side of that coin. When I rolled for the first time, it was the best feeling of my life. A feeling of such great heights. For the first time in my life, I felt connected to everything around me. This was such a toxic feeling. I wanted to feel like that forever. I didn't want it to ever go away. And therefore I started binging on it at times. 4 pills in a night, 3 pills the next night. I just don't know when to quit. I took a month-long break, and the side-effects of my previous binges really came to surface. I felt like the world had no meaning. The light I once perceived the world through vanished. Aside from depression, insomnia is also something I am still dealing with.

This drug can take you to new amazing levels in life, and it can also crush you like a freight train.
 
Thank you for this post. It's validating my efforts to only roll once a month or less, even though I crave the stuff every single day.
 
I experienced my first "suicide tuesday" that was ecstasy induced a week ago. Before that, I couldn't understand where everyone was coming from. It should be noted this was with a high dose and three months after my last dose. As with all things, it's best to moderate. You're playing with your brain and you only get one, so try to use it before doing something stupid.

Can't say I feel any ill-feelings towards this drug or anyone that uses it excessively, though. I certainly don't think I'm any better because I'm not. MDMA doesn't make me sad. MDMA didn't do anything. We all make our decisions and we should take personal responsibility for them instead of blaming a mind-altering chemical. Just my feelings on the subject.
 
I'd suggest even more than a month between, or a month between with occasional bigger breaks. You've really gotta give your brain time to recover if you want to learn anything from this drug, overdo it and the negatives outweigh and gains.
 
6 month breaks are BEST, but we all break the rues ;). No seriously though 6 months is striving for perfection thats like studying to get a 100% on a final exam... cept your just striving for your brains recovery. so tempting when your buddies tell u the good beans goin around or you see them on PR haha. but if you really care about yourself i think you should wait 6 months, try not to binge, but honestly I binge when I roll, about once every 6 months. it allows a full recovery so i can binge for one weekend then take another 6 month break.
 
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A lot of people think that telling a friend that they have a problem and need to fix it is stepping out of line, while it may be so since I feel we should be free to do what we want, helping a friend should never be discouraged. If you are really sent out to do good, I can't criticize you for that. If you know about the drug well enough, like ecstasy, and you know how it can end badly for someone, please help them out. Many people are not that informed on the substances they take, so spreading friendly advice and good karma is always a plus.
 
It's really weird because the original post in this thread fits to my life perfectly except replace MDMA with alcohol and you've got it. All my friends who declined MDMA because of its illegal status, yet abused alcohol are all depressed images of their former selves. A lot of my friends who used to take MDMA, and a lot who still do seem really social, content and are going well in life. It was only after I personally abused alcohol (and still do) that I realised it is the true culprit. Sure MDMA fucks your neurochemistry, and can make you permanently depressed. But I just can't say that with my life experiences it is true. The days when I took MDMA were certainly some of my funnest. It was infact cannabis and alcohol which took away my innocents, and my happiness. Sure i'm happy a lot of the time, but only when I'm sober which is extremely hard to keep up when your DOC is a legal one. I've since quit cannabis, and a lot of my friends who have also quit cannabis still drink every weekend, if not everyday. My comedowns have never been as bad as when i'm sitting up on my own at 3 in the morning, drunk, reminiscing on things that could have been. I think from personal experience and from observing the people around me that the partying culture that goes with MDMA (clubbing) gets people into drinking. I'm only 18 and yet I can see all around me that alcohol has taken much more of a toll on my own and many of my friends, former and present, mental and physical health.
 
TearItDown said:
A lot of people think that telling a friend that they have a problem and need to fix it is stepping out of line, while it may be so since I feel we should be free to do what we want, helping a friend should never be discouraged. If you are really sent out to do good, I can't criticize you for that. If you know about the drug well enough, like ecstasy, and you know how it can end badly for someone, please help them out. Many people are not that informed on the substances they take, so spreading friendly advice and good karma is always a plus.
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For the record this post is not about you sir, lmao =D
(There are girls in your dorm however who are referenced I believe)

It's tough to moderate, especially when its at your finger tips a good deal of the time.

Waiting also increases the novelty of the experience and retains the aspects that make rolling worth the risks.
Thanks for everyone's support!
 
This was an amazing post. Ill elaborate ina coupple of hours but im running out the door...but seriously great post.
 
there is something deeper going on with those people, its not just the mdma....an you cant fear depression that will drive you insane. life is all about perspective and some people dont have it or lose it, as long as you are strong an learn what mdma teaches you should be fine. it is ALWAYS more than drugs.....but it is a true tragedy when people are that lost in a darkness and just cant see the light, no matter how much you try to help them....i have a few people close to me like that an they break my heart. i guess im just one of the lucky ones to have a positive outlook most of the time, but i think a lot of that is because im strong.

plus, im willing to bet a lot of people that abuse e and claim it caused there depression abuse other drugs as well.
 
actually in retrospect if someone binged for a week (something ive never done), they probably would have a drug induced depression....so your right people do need to think more responsibly.
 
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