MDMA + Inhalants = Permanent anxiety?? Loved life before, fear it now.

[Seattle_Stranger]

I'll try not to give a long drawn out post. I'm mostly interested in what others think about this and if anyone else has experienced something similar. For the short version, read only the red text.

I've been drug free my entire life except for usage of alcohol, and a couple hits of a joint here and there (as in like 2-3 times a year) between the ages of 16-22. I turned 23, began smoking weed on a daily basis, and started experimenting with other things, nothing of habit other than the weed. A friend introduced me to molly, and we began abusing that for about a month or so, but still, even at this point, everything seemed to be ok. Life was still beautiful, full of opportunity, and comfortable. I loved who I was, what I had, where I was, and had lots of excitement for anything the future held. I wasn't a glass-is-half-full guy, I was a the-glass-is-overflowing-with-awesome kind of guy.

Well, one day about a month or two after beginning my MDMA experimenting, my friend and I decided to drop 100mg of excellent quality MDMA, and also take hits of computer duster here and there throughout the night. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I know. Well, at one point, I took a big hit, and felt a sort of 'click' in my head, and began to see extremely disturbing mental images. For about a minute or so, I looked around, and didn't know who I was, where I was, who these people are, etc.. This very quickly diminished and faded back into a strong roll, and I enjoyed the rest of the night, yet was still somewhat disturbed by what happened. I obviously didn't hit the duster again.

A couple days after, I got hit with by far the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. Life all of a sudden felt empty, dark, pointless, and scary. I felt alone, scared, helpless, and nothing seemed to pull me out of it. From that point forward, I was a depressive mess with tons of anxiety, anxiety attacks, fear of the future, and a strong case of anhedonia. I started and about a year later stopped an anti-depressant medication because I felt it didn't do anything to help. I was on a whole buffet of benzos, none to have any kind of effect.

Now, today, almost 3 years later, I must say my life has improved however I still feel lingering effects of anhedonia and anxiety. I have become addicted to kratom because I feel like it helps me be calm, collected and optimistic the same way I felt before the noted MDMA incident. I try very hard to regulate my kratom usage, trying not to use every day, at least waiting a day between usages. I've been bad at that for the past couple weeks, using almost every day. The slope is becoming slippery, and life just looks hopeless without this aid. I still find it hard to just let go, relax, have fun, not worry about everything, not feel anxious and depressed, not feel like a drug addict, etc.. My life is full of excitement, I play music in two different bands, I have an exciting career, I drive an awesome car, I live in a sweet house with friends, I have a gorgeous, amazing girlfriend, I have money in the bank, I have no real BIG problems in my life, yet for some fucking reason I ALWAYS feel like -something- is wrong. Like I said, I feel like the day before my MDMA+duster night I was normal, and the day after I was not and have not been since.

Thoughts? Anyone have feedback/advice? I have rolled a few times since then, but I don't enjoy it nearly as much as I used to and also just the thought of taking MDMA gives me anxiety so I feel like I just may never roll again, and that's ok with me! However, I can't help but feel like I fucked my brain up that night because again, I seriously feel like my life is split into two parts, before and after that night. Life before was beautiful, magical, exciting, fun, and now after, it's depressing and I just cannot seem to pull out of this! Kratom is the only thing that straightens me out so I keep going back to it but I don't want that to be a permanent thing the rest of my life. I don't want to smoke weed everyday for the rest of my life either.

Again, I'm just wondering if I'm alone in feeling like I actually damaged my brain. That little 'click' I felt in my head, and then instant ego-loss, feels like something got damaged at that point. I literally feel like I was a different person before and after that hit. Anyone else?

Thanks for the replies.

 

[snafu]

Tl;dr

Inhalants are a bad idea period, even by themselves.. I would never consider inhalants whilst rolling or otherwise.

I would advise to stay away from any substances for the time being.. Just live an active, healthy lifestyle and try to forget about the experience.

 

[charcoal]

I suspect the majority is psychosomatic and not something you have actually done to physically mess up or change your brain. Brain cells don't just die off never to repair or reroute themselves again.

Sorta like a PTSD thing going on, and once you take that peak into depression and anxiety it's hard to turn around again and see the normal world.

As someone who has lived with crippling depression and anxiety my entire life, don't let yourself live like this any longer. Start seeing doctors, if they are shitty doctors, fire them and see new doctors, educate yourself on psychiatric medications, therapy techniques, breathing patterns, ALL avenues that will help you regain your normal, healthy view on life.

What you're experiencing right now is temporary, I swear to you, but depression is an asshole and tells you it's forever.

 

[Legerity]

I would try not too worry too much about anything being permanent, which is very unlikely. Now can be a potential opportunity to find contentment that does not have anything to do with whether or not you have a perfect life situation. Be well Don't give up and see how things unfold.

 

[somedud]

I too had a similar experience. I was using MDMA somewhat frequently, between 8-10 times max over a 16 week period. Then the last roll I had, BAM! Life went from an adventure, to a chore. I've yet to snap out of it a year later, I was told that my brains perfectly healthly, and that it's PTSD since I had a bad experience rolling, but I've yet to come back to normal, I still feel off and detached, and emotionless, and not as sharp.

And YES I can relate 110% to the ego-loss thing!! I thought I was the only one, I had such a big ego and I loved it, now I'm just blank, and different. Fuck sakes.

 

[somedud]

But theoretically speaking, 100 mg of MDMA is no where near the threshold of the MINIMUM recorded damage.

Id say PTSD, does everything seem slighty insignificant since that night?

My best advice would be to go to college, meditate 1 hour a day, and smoke weed (optional).

Weed makes me connect with the world better.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Thank you all for the replies!!

I too had a similar experience. I was using MDMA somewhat frequently, between 8-10 times max over a 16 week period. Then the last roll I had, BAM! Life went from an adventure, to a chore. I've yet to snap out of it a year later, I was told that my brains perfectly healthly, and that it's PTSD since I had a bad experience rolling, but I've yet to come back to normal, I still feel off and detached, and emotionless, and not as sharp.

And YES I can relate 110% to the ego-loss thing!! I thought I was the only one, I had such a big ego and I loved it, now I'm just blank, and different. Fuck sakes.

This is really interesting. It sounds pretty similar. However by ego loss, I meant that exact moment, where I tripped out and suddenly had no sense of self, time, space, life, anything. I didn't understand the purpose of life, for lack of better words, I simply had a blank mind and saw nothing but "building blocks of the universe", however it wasn't nearly as fun as it sounds. I wasn't expecting it and it scared me shitless. I most certainly had PTSD to some extent for a while which triggered me to become EXTREMELY depressed. I was borderline suicidal which says quite a lot for me because I was quite widely known as overly happy go lucky. It sounds funny, but it wasn't uncommon for people to think I was gay because of how bubbly, friendly and chipper I was all the time. I feel like this badge of honor I wore so proudly was torn from my chest that evening and was never returned.

But theoretically speaking, 100 mg of MDMA is no where near the threshold of the MINIMUM recorded damage.

Id say PTSD, does everything seem slighty insignificant since that night?

My best advice would be to go to college, meditate 1 hour a day, and smoke weed (optional).

Weed makes me connect with the world better.

Yes, that is actually very accurate. Everything does seem insignificant since that night, not nearly as bad as the months right after it, but still to some degree. I won't lie, some good did come out of this, I have quite a changed perspective on the world since then that I am actually quite a fan of, however it comes at the price of constant anxiety. I eventually moved past the crippling trauma of it, wouldn't fully consider myself 'depressed' anymore, however I always feel like I'm flyin' just below where I should be. I do smoke weed on a daily basis and have lately been making an effort to smoke less of it and less often. I also have cut down on alcohol consumption, improved my diet, cut down on caffeine, I get out, I'm active, I have a huge social circle, from the outside everything looks picture perfect. I just can't understand why I'm not comfortable, why I always feel anxious. The only logical explanation that I can come up with is think "Ok, when did this start?" That night, so obviously I feel like some semi-permanent change occurred.

Ah I think I'm rambling now. Thanks for the support all. It makes me feel a lot better to hear all over you severely doubting I have damaged myself with the given factors. That's pretty much what I was looking for.

 

[somedud]

Yeah same thing here man. I had a breakup while I was rolling and it sent me into the CRAZIEST trip of my life, I curled up in a ball on my bed and lost my mind from 3-9am, it was fucked.

But the thing is, is that what I experienced ignited frequent flashbacks that I experienced for MONTHS, along with the guilt and dispair of the break up. I relived that night all day, every day for months. Even now, to this day I can remember every little detail of that night, but not what I did today, it's bizzare. I was bed wridden for 5 months living in one giant panic attack, and everytime I went to bed I had flashbacks and nightmares.

It's funny how you speak of non stop anxiety, I was like that for a good 6 months, couldn't function and i use to take 100 mg of seroquel to sleep, and itd only put me out for 3 hours. I felt like I was losing my mins daily, constantly thinking how I ruined my life that one night. I remember taking 10 mg of klonopin and that never even calmed me down!

Then, I went out got drunk, and took 2 hits of e, and I had a shitty trip, nothing traumatic, just not fun. To my surprise, after that night my anxiety DISAPPEARED completely. I was shocked, I also started sleeping again! And I thought all these symptoms were due to destruction of my serotogenic system, but if that was the case my problems would have got worse.. This lead me to PTSD, the fact MDMA helped my problems showed me that I wasn't truly as "brain damaged" as I once thought, and maybe there's a psychological aspect to it.

I seeker counseling, since I never felt like a nut job anymore, and sure enough was diagnosed with PTSD, she said traumatic events can come back at any time, months after the trauma, and your brain puts itself in a natural defense mode, and keeps your body in a heightened state. Hypervigilance is what they call it. It also surpresses emotions and makes people feel "numb", due to it's damaging effects on your psychological integrity. It a way of protecting itself, your brains geared for survival, not your sense of "fullness/happiness". Think about it, someone who's emotionally numb can no long feel fear, as future events holds no emotional bearing.

Seriously man, try meditating, and I mean seriously. At first it's BRUTALLY hard, it's really tenacious, but once you "break through" that first time, you'll REALLY see your flaws, similar to weed, as I'm sure when you smoke you can almost feel how your damaged/different right? Well imagine that times a hundred, I only started meditating yesterday, and let me tell you, I've never felt so enriched in my life.

It's gave me so much enlightenment on my current psychological flaws. I've never been able to reach that first state I got in, but let me tell you it was ECSTASY. I really figured out how my brain works and most importantly WHY things are like they are. It's hard to describe unless you try it, it's beyond words. Put it this way, simply put my brains been in a knot for almost a year, and meditation is the only thing that brings me focus and unties the knot I put myself in. Do you notice your never quite "in the moment" as you use to be? Meditation will change that, it heightens my awareness 10 fold, and I feel so grounded.

After a while if you truly reach that calm, which is vey hard at first, you'll become addicted. I start and once I got that relaxation I DON'T want to stop its so euphoric.

To start either sit up, or do as I do, lie down with a pillow under your shoulders and one under your head. Close your eyes, breath in through your nose, out through your mouth, make SURE your chest stays still and only your stomach moves when you breath. It requires alot of focus, but it gets better with time. Remember, it IS considered a "practice" which means it gets better the more you do. Also its got some phenomenal effects on the physical integrity of the brain and it's structure.

Simply put, you know how nothings seemed significant since that night? Once you finish a deep hour + meditation practice, you'll feel the significant magic of life, trust me.

Try it n lemme know how it goes.

 

[zaggy]

I agree with what everybody else has said with excluding the part about smoking weed and stressing meditation! Take some time off of drugs to pay attention to yourself. I've been meditating for 2 years, on and off at times, but consistent at other points. I've finally started to seriously get into it, and would wholeheartedly recommend the practice. It has real benefits for your body and mind, and it's sure as hell helping me through some traumas and killer anxiety. There is most likely a community of people who gather to practice meditation near you where you can learn how to do it.

I wish the best of luck to you!

Edit: NO ANXIETY IS PERMANENT



...

Guess I'd take the time to explain meditation.

You can meditate on anything. What you meditate on is called the object of awareness. It can be your breath, sound; really any of the senses. The point is to have a non-judgmental awareness of this object.

Breath is the simplest. An important thing to note is that there really is no wrong way to meditate as long as you are doing the basics. Close your eyes. You can focus on the breath coming however you naturally breath. You can be aware of the rhythm of your breath, how it feels coming through your nostrils or mouth (etc), or your belly rising. If your mind wanders, such is the nature of the mind. Just gently bring it back. You can go through 20 minute sessions with only 5 minutes of a calm mind. This is normal, it happens to people who have been doing it for decades. Don't try not to think though haha. Don't push your thoughts and emotions away. If you get caught up in stories, thoughts, or emotions, just also be aware of them and gently bring yourself back to the breath.

You can also do walking meditation, or just standing meditation, choosing to stay on the breath or being aware of the sensations in your feet, optionally shifting your weight slowly. Meditate however long is comfortable for you.

For the lying down position, raise an arm (elbow resting on the ground) so that it falls and wakes you up if you doze off

Everything somedud said was great.

 

[suessmayr]

Seattle_Stranger - Man I can relate to your post. I feel like the exact same thing happened to me, only with a different drug. I mean exactly the same thing. I was terrified - my whole world-view had fundamentally changed. I got anxiety and depression and didn't know what the fuck was going on. I don't think that I 'damaged' myself. Rather, I think that I was just not used to the profundity and emotional/cognitive depth of the experience - once I had experienced it, everything seemed different. There was like another layer to my awareness, and everything that was not drug-taking seemed to pale in comparison with drug-taking.

I also had some fucken killer lows associated with ecstasy. I really think that ecstasy can be one of the most debilitating drugs. I know so many people who used to be vibrant and manic but now struggle with depression and anxiety after rolling too much. The ecstasy 'ride' is just too extreme - in my view - to be repeated very often without running the risk of mood disorders.

I think it might be more beneficial and sensible for you to consider anti-depressants than to simply self-medicate with benzos and kratom. It seems like alot of people slip into habits with the seriously addictive drugs (like benzos and opiates) in the aftermath of their ecstasy 'honeymoon'. If you can avoid that I really would, otherwise your troubles are only just beginning.

As a matter of curiosity - how do you know that it was 100mg of MDMA that you took? For that matter, how do you know it was MDMA?

 

[suessmayr]

Oh, and regarding inhalants - they are the fucking devil!! Noone should ever do inhalants!!

I used to always get wasted on amyl nitrate or nitrous oxide when I was rolling. The clubs here in Sydney are surrounded by sex shops so we would always go in and score the stuff. I've seen some terrible reactions to inhalants. One friend of mine tried amyl, instantly went ghostly white with massive eyes, started sweating and shaking and fucking collapsed! I feel like it's possible that alot of the issues I'm presently dealing with come from inhalants.

So stay away from that shit!!!

 

[Deleted member 137730]

Yes it was the mdma, not the duster. Although it possible the duster potentiated mdma's inherent neurotoxicity. This sort of thing is reported on bluelight fairly regularly. Its not that common though and it
tends to happen in genetically vulnerable people who use mdma with other substances that increase neurotoxicity such as methamphetamine, duster, alcohol, ect and or concussions that take place during mdma use.

This can and does cause permanent alterations in the serotonergic structure and function. Over several years you may see minor recovery will take place, but you will likely never be the same again nor will you ever go back to your previous baseline. You will however most likely continue to improve slowly. Antidepressants will likely have little effect as its not the amount of serotonin thats necessarily the issue, its the receptors itself and the neurons that use 5ht/serotonin that have been damaged.

This is based on countless reports i have read and personal experience and research. I am 4 years into an overdose of mdma and a minor amount of amphetamine. I had the click thing happen as well and
the next day i never felt the same and always felt off or different. 4 years later here i am in a similar spot.

fyi- bluelight is a bad place to ask this question. The majority of posters are not well informed on the topic, and most are pro-drug use. Therefore much more likely to defend a drug from being the cause of the issues, while pointing to just about everything else. For example i typically see posters in threads like these point towards the duster as being the problem or perhaps latent emotional issues being brought up as being the cause of your depression. Thats not true, the culprit is right infront of your face and its mdma. Duster does not cause the problems your talking about, but with mdma i see people post things
almost identical to what you posted 1-3 times a month. Only mdma has shown direct neurotoxicity to serotonergic nerve terminals in animal studies (not human) Most drug users use this as a way to pretend mdma is safe, because obviously there is no direct proof, kind of like tobacco manufacturers claimed cigarettes were safe and did not cause cancer. It wasnt until years later that the truth was found out. I
suspect the truth will come out about mdma soon enough, but at the moment trials on humans would be unethical and cost prohibitive.

Let me make it clear though that you are in the minority, at low doses mdma does not typically cause problems in most people it likely causes minor neurotoxicty but it wont be noticed. Even in very high doses it only normally causes issues in a minority of people or with serious repeated use. BUT if you are genetically vulnerable to it, mdma can and does ruin lives for long extended periods.

Because the vast majority of people dont have major problems from using mdma and dont see these problems often ( i suspect its very under reported as a cause because humans tend to point to other things as the cause of problem before blaming a drug like mdma which has a soft drug rep) there are a huge number of people that deny mdma can cause issues at all, especially permanent ones.

Well the fact is their is a minority of users that have long term semi permanent effects. You are one of those unlucky ones. I personally think mdma does damage to just about anyone that takes it, but that some peoples brains are better able to repair and sustain this damage, perhaps they have a greater cognitive reserve.

Send me a PM if you want to chat with someone who really knows alot about this subject. There are about 5-6 other people that have had similar experiences as you and im sure you could find them easily
enough and share experiences. The common denominator seems to be that they were using mdma with an additional toxic substance in higher doses or they suffered a concussion while using it, likely lowering endogenous defenses enough for real damage to occur, and with mdma it would be damage directly to serotonin producing neurons which of course governs our mood and how we experience life. Could luck, your going to need it if your in this minority.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Thank you so much for the replies. I was literally responding to the thread when I noticed the last response from bben came in just as I was responding.

bben: First off, let me thank you for not holding back and being blatantly honest, I appreciate this big time. You have made extremely interesting points and it all makes sense. I would certainly be up for discussing this more. You mentioned you felt the "click" too, that nasty click that felt like sort of like a little bubble popped on the top-right side of my brain. I want to talk to you more about this, perhaps on PM. What do you think made the click? What actually clicked? I've never felt such an abrupt physical sensation inside my brain like that before, or ever again. It was literally like someone came and flicked me upside the head, and then that very instant, I felt dead. I remember thinking to myself "You did it now, you just died, now this is what hell looks like." and hell looked just like the real world, except everything was unknown, unfamiliar, scary, lonely, and evil. it was like all the good in the world suddenly was sucked away, and all memories were erased from my head. I didn't recognize my girlfriend of several years for about a minute. I felt completely aware, yet so detached, I'm obviously having trouble conveying the actual experience but you guys get it, you know where I'm going with it. Complete and total sudden, unexpected ego loss, and at this point I had never taken psychedelics or other hard drugs so I had no idea this realm of consciousness even existed. TRAUMATIC is the perfect word.

Let's talk more on PM. I have other experiences to share with you that you would probably relate to.


As for everyone else, meditation is amazing, I've tried it many times with great success. I should definitely do it more often. Thank you for the tips!!

I've rolled a handful of times after this experience, some of them went well, some of them never went at all, and even one bad 'fake' pill experience. At this point, any time I think about taking MDMA, I get an overwhelming panic attack that will last the entire day, sometimes days before I plan to roll. It's so bad now to where my gf and I bought molly, capped it, planned a show for months in advance to take it, brought it to the show, and ended up not taking it because the anxiety I was feeling leading up to it was crippling. It was like my body screaming at me PLEASEEEE DONT PUT THAT IN ME AGAIN!!!! I decided to listen, and the lifting of the anxiety happened so fast, so quickly after convincing myself I was not going to take it, it was like a high in itself because I was suddenly free of panic. It's amazing to think of how this drug can have such a lasting negative impact on a person. I still have the molly, but I honestly am considering at this point to just flush it and be done with it for good. I really just don't think it's worth it!! Plus I'm on the road to recovery so why add speed bumps?

As a matter of curiosity - how do you know that it was 100mg of MDMA that you took? For that matter, how do you know it was MDMA?

Ahh, I knew I'd get called on this. Admittedly, it was untested and unweighed by me personally. It was also the first MDMA I ever had experience with so I didn't have anything to compare it to. However, the source was reliable and direct, without going into detail, I had much reason to believe it was very high purity. They were also pre-capped and told to me to be 100mg, but aside from that, you're right I have no proof. I now have a test kit and I test my MDMA and pills, but as stated above, I'm over rolling period.

 

[zaggy]

I am one person who occasionally partakes in Ecstasy that is willing to acknowledge the inherent risks. In fact, I would not recommend ecstasy to anyone at all because of how powerful it is. I've known so many people who have gone from never doing drugs or just smoking weed to being full on psychologically dependent on E. I have read, and firmly believe that any damage sustained will repair substantially with extended periods of sobriety. I've had parts of my life where I thought my brain was screwed up as a result of ecstasy and some RC blotter. Anxiety, depersonalization, derealization, the whole load. Things in my life also turned for the worst which contributed a good deal.

But my belief is that no matter how your brain has been affected, you can still live a happy, healthy, and joyous life. Best of luck to you.

 

[somedud]

For the most part I'm fully recovered, I'd say anywhere between 80-90%. I can easily see myself fully recovering within the next year.

Lexapros helped me vastly, along with daily exercise.

 

[somedud]

Ps, not to discredit bben's case, but I wouldn't make your judgements based upon him, MDMA doesn't cause schizophrenia nor does it cause autism, what I can tell you is it DOES being out latent psychiatric conditions in those vulnerable to them, no pun intended. I have a few friends who over indulged, and by that I mean roll there balls off, 10 pills a night multiple times a week solidly redosing, they said they're different but both said they're happy and have girlfriends.

But a one time experience is unlikely to alter your physiology, ive got countless studies proving MDMA at low doses (>2.4-4.0 mg/kg) cause ANY sign of neurotoxicity. One from erowid states 2.5 mg/kg in monkeys twice a month for 4 months with no adverse affects/signs of toxicity.

Others reporting full SERT density with abstinence. I can however state that a traumatic experience while on ANY psychedelic drug can and will cause PTSD symptoms. I've heard of many ppl on BL saying there brain damaged from LSD, yet it's the cleanest drug you can ingest.

I've also heard of some in ED saying they thought they had brain damage from rolling cause they experienced a robbery on MDMA, 6 months later he re rolled, and said 99% of his symptoms went away. I can find it if you liked.

Re rolling killed my anxiety and made me feel MUCH more normal, and it cured my insomnia. Hmmm... Whats the culprit. You never even passed 1.3 mg/kg, your FINE. Don't fucking listen to bben, someone telling you your damaged from doses research SHOWS to be safe is an awful way to ruin the rest of your life.

Anything above 5 mg/kg is neurotoxic, you never came NEAR that. If you don't believe ask FirstBadComedown, you'll be blown away by his posts and he's far from an MDMA enthusiast.

On another note, you said you used MDMA before right with no problems? Right, then your not genetically susceptible.

 

[Nambo]

I'll try not to give a long drawn out post. I'm mostly interested in what others think about this and if anyone else has experienced something similar. For the short version, read only the red text.

I've been drug free my entire life except for usage of alcohol, and a couple hits of a joint here and there (as in like 2-3 times a year) between the ages of 16-22. I turned 23, began smoking weed on a daily basis, and started experimenting with other things, nothing of habit other than the weed. A friend introduced me to molly, and we began abusing that for about a month or so, but still, even at this point, everything seemed to be ok. Life was still beautiful, full of opportunity, and comfortable. I loved who I was, what I had, where I was, and had lots of excitement for anything the future held. I wasn't a glass-is-half-full guy, I was a the-glass-is-overflowing-with-awesome kind of guy.

Well, one day about a month or two after beginning my MDMA experimenting, my friend and I decided to drop 100mg of excellent quality MDMA, and also take hits of computer duster here and there throughout the night. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I know. Well, at one point, I took a big hit, and felt a sort of 'click' in my head, and began to see extremely disturbing mental images. For about a minute or so, I looked around, and didn't know who I was, where I was, who these people are, etc.. This very quickly diminished and faded back into a strong roll, and I enjoyed the rest of the night, yet was still somewhat disturbed by what happened. I obviously didn't hit the duster again.

A couple days after, I got hit with by far the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. Life all of a sudden felt empty, dark, pointless, and scary. I felt alone, scared, helpless, and nothing seemed to pull me out of it. From that point forward, I was a depressive mess with tons of anxiety, anxiety attacks, fear of the future, and a strong case of anhedonia. I started and about a year later stopped an anti-depressant medication because I felt it didn't do anything to help. I was on a whole buffet of benzos, none to have any kind of effect.

Now, today, almost 3 years later, I must say my life has improved however I still feel lingering effects of anhedonia and anxiety. I have become addicted to kratom because I feel like it helps me be calm, collected and optimistic the same way I felt before the noted MDMA incident. I try very hard to regulate my kratom usage, trying not to use every day, at least waiting a day between usages. I've been bad at that for the past couple weeks, using almost every day. The slope is becoming slippery, and life just looks hopeless without this aid. I still find it hard to just let go, relax, have fun, not worry about everything, not feel anxious and depressed, not feel like a drug addict, etc.. My life is full of excitement, I play music in two different bands, I have an exciting career, I drive an awesome car, I live in a sweet house with friends, I have a gorgeous, amazing girlfriend, I have money in the bank, I have no real BIG problems in my life, yet for some fucking reason I ALWAYS feel like -something- is wrong. Like I said, I feel like the day before my MDMA+duster night I was normal, and the day after I was not and have not been since.

Thoughts? Anyone have feedback/advice? I have rolled a few times since then, but I don't enjoy it nearly as much as I used to and also just the thought of taking MDMA gives me anxiety so I feel like I just may never roll again, and that's ok with me! However, I can't help but feel like I fucked my brain up that night because again, I seriously feel like my life is split into two parts, before and after that night. Life before was beautiful, magical, exciting, fun, and now after, it's depressing and I just cannot seem to pull out of this! Kratom is the only thing that straightens me out so I keep going back to it but I don't want that to be a permanent thing the rest of my life. I don't want to smoke weed everyday for the rest of my life either.

Again, I'm just wondering if I'm alone in feeling like I actually damaged my brain. That little 'click' I felt in my head, and then instant ego-loss, feels like something got damaged at that point. I literally feel like I was a different person before and after that hit. Anyone else?

Thanks for the replies.

It's been years since your original post but was wondering how you are doing these days?