(this is setarcos should have my user name sorted in a couple of days)
Pills:
Octagons - quite small, has a cross on the back (so it can be put into quaters), is an octagon. There have been 3 different batches of these round here, the last supposedly being the cleanest. I had 1 and a half pills (all ingested orally) at 7:17, and 1 pill at 8:30. It lasted until approximately 11:30. I've done pills approximately 25 to 40 times over a 3 year period.
Long-term Background to trip
-> I realised I was no longer getting real euphoria when I took MDMA. For a while I had put it down to bad pills but seeing other people on the same pills made me realise it was just tolerance. With the help of 5-htp I managed to avoid practically any comedowns, I have also never sustained a weekly habit for a period of longer than 2 weeks.
I reread Pihkal a couple of months ago this and this time appreciated the truly special nature of the book. The power which the Shulgins seemed to think MDMA had as a chemical power really impressed me.
I decided that if it could really do anything like what it was doing for other people to me then it would simply be arrogant for me not to assume I needed all the help (i.e all the introspective trips I could get).
I prepared 10 or so questions for myself outlined here : http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic&f=47&t=000628&r=3
Day of Trip:
I also decided that I needed a break, I had 5 weeks between when I dropped introspectively and the time before that.
I had left my wallet at K house the night before so I went to pick it up. I stayed at his house for an hour or 2. After about 1 hour M and B showed up with some mushrooms. I realised that if I did my introspective trip that night then I would not be able to get any of the mushrooms. The need I felt for having this introspective trip though was more important. During this time I would say 3 or 4 joints were smoked. At about 7:17 we departed Ks house, and that is when I dropped.
I had only had one slice of bread all day and I realised that i had not had enough water. I was fairly pleased with the first because I knew it would make the pills stronger / come up faster but I reminded myself to get a cup of water as soon as I got home.
That was at 7:40. I had a couple of bong hits aswell, I had done this once before by mistake (an introspective trip) and I had smoked weed then so I was not worried about it hurting it.
I will go to the exact notes I wrote on the trip, crap as they are =>
"T+50 - feeling overall good, light body, F rolling a spliff, feel close
T+60 - Arms feel light
T+90 - im searching quite hard for answers do I really know the questions well? (this was upon reaction to reading my page of questions)
-what do i REALLY want to do about my course? (realised I could not sit around in the gray bubble of doing nothing while not deciding to do something for much longer)
T+96 - My turntable stuff is not there to make me become a champion or anything, it is there to have fun with
T110 - Same stuff about course as above
- always respect your fellow human "
Rather poor, but I thought it should be seperated from what I am adding now.
I intermingled being in my room for about 45 minutes with going to talk to my flatmate F in the other room. I felt close to him.
At about 2 and a half hours I suddenly felt that my talent lies in some sort of psychotherapy, I had a strong inclination towards this idea. I did not see any point shaking it away.
My thinking was very different. I would not have to go through an almost step by step process to understanding myself or others, it was very intuitive. I would look at a question, just focus on it, and not always the answer to that question but an answer to some question would pop up. I would get an answer, contemplate, do something else (like use computer/decks/talk to felix) for 5 or 10 minutes before going back to introspection.
Interestingly I never reached anything like the levels of euphoria I knew on pills in the early days but I did still get some of the theraputic benefits.
When it started coming down at around 1130 I went to my friend K's house again. There was a group of around 5 people, they had done mushrooms.
K fell into what looked like a bad trip, when asked how he was 3 times he said 'fine' each time. I was not sure if he was in the bathroom or not so not wanting to disturb him i checked his bedroom. He was up.
I talked to him and although it was hard to make sense of him because all he said for a while was "what the fuck just happened" but he did gain good coherence fairly quickly (and noticeably in steps). It was fortunate (in a way) that he was going through a head-space I had had direct previous experience with .
When you are in that space it just feels as if everything is extremely futile, and you think if the world can be seen in so many totally subjective ways what reality should you be aspiring to.
Anyway because I had been in such a similar headspace I could talk to him quite well about it. And reassure him that it would be gone tommorow. And if not all he would need to do would be take a couple of pills by himself (said this partly in jest and partly not).
It is also the sort of thinking that reminds me of the spiritual crisis that Ann goes through in Pihkal. And I mention this to show how people went through it without permanent bad damage.
I had extreme difficulty sleeping and did not fall asleep until about 4, going to bed at something like 2.
Aftermath:
I'm not accepting or rejecting the therapist idea yet. I realise that I cannot take that much university (I have already been here for 3 years doing computer science) and would want to travel and see lots of different cultures before doing anything about it. The ideas made perfect sense while I was on ecstasy, now they make some sense. But I wonder even if that was my talent do I want to spend all my time concerning myself with other peoples problems. Would I have any particular duty to use my talent even if it made me less happy (I am interested in the philisophical element quite a lot).
I will look at my mind as that way inclined for a while and see how it affects my life.
I was feeling slightly drained for most of the time, though I am feeling quite good now.
(Yeah yeah I know it's long)
[ 08 November 2002: Message edited by: Setarsoc ]
Pills:
Octagons - quite small, has a cross on the back (so it can be put into quaters), is an octagon. There have been 3 different batches of these round here, the last supposedly being the cleanest. I had 1 and a half pills (all ingested orally) at 7:17, and 1 pill at 8:30. It lasted until approximately 11:30. I've done pills approximately 25 to 40 times over a 3 year period.
Long-term Background to trip
-> I realised I was no longer getting real euphoria when I took MDMA. For a while I had put it down to bad pills but seeing other people on the same pills made me realise it was just tolerance. With the help of 5-htp I managed to avoid practically any comedowns, I have also never sustained a weekly habit for a period of longer than 2 weeks.
I reread Pihkal a couple of months ago this and this time appreciated the truly special nature of the book. The power which the Shulgins seemed to think MDMA had as a chemical power really impressed me.
I decided that if it could really do anything like what it was doing for other people to me then it would simply be arrogant for me not to assume I needed all the help (i.e all the introspective trips I could get).
I prepared 10 or so questions for myself outlined here : http://www.bluelight.ru/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic&f=47&t=000628&r=3
Day of Trip:
I also decided that I needed a break, I had 5 weeks between when I dropped introspectively and the time before that.
I had left my wallet at K house the night before so I went to pick it up. I stayed at his house for an hour or 2. After about 1 hour M and B showed up with some mushrooms. I realised that if I did my introspective trip that night then I would not be able to get any of the mushrooms. The need I felt for having this introspective trip though was more important. During this time I would say 3 or 4 joints were smoked. At about 7:17 we departed Ks house, and that is when I dropped.
I had only had one slice of bread all day and I realised that i had not had enough water. I was fairly pleased with the first because I knew it would make the pills stronger / come up faster but I reminded myself to get a cup of water as soon as I got home.
That was at 7:40. I had a couple of bong hits aswell, I had done this once before by mistake (an introspective trip) and I had smoked weed then so I was not worried about it hurting it.
I will go to the exact notes I wrote on the trip, crap as they are =>
"T+50 - feeling overall good, light body, F rolling a spliff, feel close
T+60 - Arms feel light
T+90 - im searching quite hard for answers do I really know the questions well? (this was upon reaction to reading my page of questions)
-what do i REALLY want to do about my course? (realised I could not sit around in the gray bubble of doing nothing while not deciding to do something for much longer)
T+96 - My turntable stuff is not there to make me become a champion or anything, it is there to have fun with
T110 - Same stuff about course as above
- always respect your fellow human "
Rather poor, but I thought it should be seperated from what I am adding now.
I intermingled being in my room for about 45 minutes with going to talk to my flatmate F in the other room. I felt close to him.
At about 2 and a half hours I suddenly felt that my talent lies in some sort of psychotherapy, I had a strong inclination towards this idea. I did not see any point shaking it away.
My thinking was very different. I would not have to go through an almost step by step process to understanding myself or others, it was very intuitive. I would look at a question, just focus on it, and not always the answer to that question but an answer to some question would pop up. I would get an answer, contemplate, do something else (like use computer/decks/talk to felix) for 5 or 10 minutes before going back to introspection.
Interestingly I never reached anything like the levels of euphoria I knew on pills in the early days but I did still get some of the theraputic benefits.
When it started coming down at around 1130 I went to my friend K's house again. There was a group of around 5 people, they had done mushrooms.
K fell into what looked like a bad trip, when asked how he was 3 times he said 'fine' each time. I was not sure if he was in the bathroom or not so not wanting to disturb him i checked his bedroom. He was up.
I talked to him and although it was hard to make sense of him because all he said for a while was "what the fuck just happened" but he did gain good coherence fairly quickly (and noticeably in steps). It was fortunate (in a way) that he was going through a head-space I had had direct previous experience with .
When you are in that space it just feels as if everything is extremely futile, and you think if the world can be seen in so many totally subjective ways what reality should you be aspiring to.
Anyway because I had been in such a similar headspace I could talk to him quite well about it. And reassure him that it would be gone tommorow. And if not all he would need to do would be take a couple of pills by himself (said this partly in jest and partly not).
It is also the sort of thinking that reminds me of the spiritual crisis that Ann goes through in Pihkal. And I mention this to show how people went through it without permanent bad damage.
I had extreme difficulty sleeping and did not fall asleep until about 4, going to bed at something like 2.
Aftermath:
I'm not accepting or rejecting the therapist idea yet. I realise that I cannot take that much university (I have already been here for 3 years doing computer science) and would want to travel and see lots of different cultures before doing anything about it. The ideas made perfect sense while I was on ecstasy, now they make some sense. But I wonder even if that was my talent do I want to spend all my time concerning myself with other peoples problems. Would I have any particular duty to use my talent even if it made me less happy (I am interested in the philisophical element quite a lot).
I will look at my mind as that way inclined for a while and see how it affects my life.
I was feeling slightly drained for most of the time, though I am feeling quite good now.
(Yeah yeah I know it's long)
[ 08 November 2002: Message edited by: Setarsoc ]
