SwissBanker
Bluelighter
It had been a long week of travel and finance. Arguing business logic (now is not the time to go into a business that depends on stable and low interest rates, my friends) in the face of highly optimistic if not invented numbers in four countries over 5 days. I don't really get a "hankering" for e, but I can certainly see the appeal after such weeks, if it comes to mind. It did. I got home late on a Friday to find The Girlfriend looking a little flushed. Back from running, she says, "...my legs are going to be your birthday gift." She gets a long, soft kiss for that, but it's early, I smell like the inside of an Airbus 330, and it's not as passionate a joining as I'd like.
It's one of those antsy nights. Where you know you want to go do something, but it's hard to figure out exactly what might appeal. And on top of this... you are just tired enough to be on the fence when it comes to going out. Ugh. I HAD been flying for most of the day, after all.
After a bit to eat and some superficial catching up with The Girlfriend we plan to spend a night, and probably the next morning, out. The energy is back up where it should be. Tomorrow is a very lazy day. The weather is mostly nice. Dropping e seems like a much better idea suddenly. A lot of all night clubs have been getting raided in Zurich lately, and we decide to spend the night somewhere lower-key. Somewhere loungy. Somewhere more... intimate. I've really missed The Girlfriend. We pop some Vitamin C before we go.
~11:30 pm - The ICN Train to Zurich (T + 0:00).
The InterCity Neigezug (ICN) is a somewhat-high speed (200 km/hr) tilting train. It tilts into the turns so as to be able to take them at higher speed. (Much like the slant on oval raceways). Pininfarina (the firm behind e.g., almost every Ferrari and Mazerati design) did the design work for the ICN and they are wonderfully graceful trains, all full of curves and sloped shapes. I'm not usually a "train guy" but I do love the look of the ICNs. Likewise, I don't know what it is with me and taking e on the leaning train, but it has some kind of strange appeal. Perhaps it's the environment. All the commuters have gone home by now. Even the late comers to Zurich airport won't be on the train until the stop right before Zurich. This means that being on a train this late in Switzerland means you pretty much have the car to yourself, or, at worst, you have to share it with someone else on their way to Zurich for some late-night antics. I have a friend who is adept at picking up his future girlfriends on the Friday night train to Zurich. Add to this the fact that there is almost no authority, aside the conductor who has probably seen it all already, and why not drop your pills on the train? So we do.
The Girlfriend takes a half a White (the rather strong pills I picked up in Amsterdam) and I take a whole. She looks almost strained when she takes it. I think to ask after her, but decide to leave her in silence. Presently, she looks out the window into the darkness with an almost... wistful expression and she is so beautiful at that moment I cannot bring myself to disturb her. Her head is leaning against the window, her gaze almost fixed at some imaginary point into the night, an almost but not quite sad smile- a contented look really- on her face, and her face is reflected against itself in the window from my angle. I imagine her to be happy I am home. To disrupt this... it would be like dropping a rock into a still pool and destroying the wonderful silence with a *ploink* and ruining the perfect, mirror like reflection of a full, silver-blue moon with the violent ripples from the intruder. The train hums and leans hard into a fast, right-hand curve.
~12:10 am - Zurich Zentrum.
We end up in a little loungy bar that was once the place to be and now has calmed down a bit without losing all the ambiance, but absent any of the noise. There are perhaps 75-80 people there. All of whom are enjoying their own relaxed conversation. Quite a contrast to the scene here less than a year ago when 300 would easily be packing the main room, the DJ would be playing much more aggressive stuff and the vibe was pure energy. I prefer it this way tonight.
I begin to feel a little tickle on my skin and I am convinced I can smell what must be a vodka drink at the table next to us. As always, acute sense of smell is what I first notice on my e comeups. It's a harsh scent and I entertain myself fantasizing that I can tell it's Absolut, like some kind of professional wine taster. Maybe they use e? I could easily find out if it is, but I feel that would spoil my little super senses thrill that e always gives me. I would hate for it to be imagined. The Girlfriend is watching a couple two tables over. The guy at the table, a well dressed 30something, is watching back with almost unrestrained intensity, oblivious to the conversation emanating from the lovely and thin brunette sitting with him. He looks vaguely familiar, but I am certain it is my imagination. She's flirting already and The Girlfriend's eyes have gone all black. I think to myself that she won't need more than that first half for awhile.
12:45 am - Zurich Zentrum.
It's hitting pretty hard. It's been a while since I've done any e and I am as luved up as it gets. Just a wonderful warmth about everything. I have a sudden epiphany about a work topic and pull out my uber-geek Treo to type myself a quick note, less I lose it on the comedown. The colors from the Treo screen are amazingly beautiful. The music (which I later identify as GOL - Soma Holiday followed by Pentatonik - Devotion, surprising coincidences since they are both on the One A.D. album but didn't play in that order. But then, amazing musical coincidences seem common with me when e is involved) is a warm bubbling background. I can feel it calming me, taking me with it. I fear if I close my eyes and let it take me any farther I won't get back. Usually, I enjoy this, but tonight is supposed to be about The Girlfriend and making up for lost time traveling.
1:15 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I try to connect with The Girlfriend again, but she is in her own world with the 30something guy (the Brunette is beginning to notice now) and so I order a Cola Lite (I love the taste of it on e) and savor it for awhile, letting the sweetness hang in my mouth without swallowing, feeling the carbonization tickle, waiting for her to either come out of her flirt mode, or for enough time to pass where I will want to entertain myself instead of just watching her. I can't bring myself to disturb her. I always prefer to leave her be like this than to impose myself on her. She's having fun, why accost her?
1:35 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I am so lit I literally FLOAT up to the bar, gliding like I'm on ice, and am waiting for not 3 minutes to annoy the bar staff with another request for a marginless Cola Lite, or maybe a normal Coke this time, or even a Fanta, when a girl I know I have met before walks right up to me and says, "Hi!" She's got an evening dress on. And I mean a stunning evening dress. Her shoulders are bare and a obscenely elegant and expensive diamond necklace graces her chest and draws my eyes to her delicate clavicles. I love clavicles. Did The Girlfriend and I have sex with her once perhaps? I smile that welcoming e smile, sure for a moment that it was at some club or some cocktail party or some something, looking deep into her eyes for those wide pupils, which comically, aren't there, when... fuck... TURN OFF THE TELEVISION, PUT IN FULL FLAPS AND BLEACH MY SOCKS TWICE... I remember her, alright. I am pretty sure she is the girlfriend of one of my colleagues at the bank. A VERY senior colleague. It clicks into place. She's with some other evening-attired professionals a few tables down. They went to the opera or something and are having the relaxed, erudite, post-culture nightcap now. BOX MY EAR WITH A POUND OF RAW COOKIE DOUGH AND PUT ME ON A BAKING SHEET, what fucking timing. I doubt it would be good to let on that I am flying like a kite in a thunderstorm just now. I am not sure her boyfriend would care very much, but I try to keep my personal drug use just that- personal. I am immediately conscious of my eyes.
I try to adopt that casual "I'm high but I don't have to show it," smile. You know the one. The one that burns 2000 calories an hour because of the effort required to maintain the ruse. Then I try to speak how someone on e thinks someone not on e speaks. Of course, you can never get it quite right. Too fast. Too slow. Overcorrecting one way and then the other. It feels like it takes 45 minutes just to explain that no, we didn't go to the opera, and I just got back from a long bit of travel. But it continues. And in the process, something sinister is brewing in me. Oh, of COURSE the cocktail party is tomorrow, yes, I will be there and ~you know... your eyes are absolutely magnificent~ there is no doubt in my mind that ~they look like glacial ice, pure... innocent... but possessed of some deep rooted ancient wisdom~ we won't lose the client it is just a matter of working with the relationship advisor to realize that ~your skin is... so wonderfully pale and smooth~ we can establish a better working partnership if ~I can only put your sweet lips to mine for the softest, warmest kiss with which I could melt your soul and mine together like chocolate in the sun~ since Karl left but I have little doubt that ~I would love to just make eversosoft love to you... and feel your warm skin against mine... possess you in the way you finally want to be possessed... hear the soft little cries you are embarrassed to let out~ we can get things together. The look on her face. The way we interact... I am beginning to think she understands what is going on in my head. Starting to return it? I feel a mind-reading connection coming on. My psyche is working in four places at once. All of them, simply beautiful. A glint on her hand catches my eye. A rock. A rather large rock. He popped the question to her? Amazing. And here I am, luved up and resisting with all my might the urge to just lean forward, put my hand gently behind her lovely, long neck, and draw her slowly, eversoslowly towards me for the most elegant and sublime of kisses. The strain of it must show on my brow. "Here with? Oh, The Girlfriend is right over..." But she isn't. She is quite gone. Her drink nearly untouched, her chair empty.
I should say at this point that neither of us are jealous people. Flirtation and even harmless e-petting isn't something that bothers me. I quite enjoy watching her flirt with other women and even other men on occasion while on e. She seems to enjoy the reverse as well. It's part of e for us. If I were prone to getting upset over a cuddle puddle (even some cuddle groping) I wouldn’t be doing e with her and I probably wouldn't be dating her. I am no more offended by her admiring other men that she would be at my little mental exchange with the evening dress. We do have some unwritten rules. We are not "swingers." Sex with third parties is a permissible but very rare and very carefully regulated activity. Sex with third parties in the absence of each other is just a no-no. Vanishing while on e is, however, entirely verboten. In this place, I am not particularly worried. Very upscale. Well-to-do clientele. But in the places we usually do e, that's a different story. Still the rule applies and I'm a little miffed at the vanishing act.
I tear myself away from evening dress and wander about looking. Somehow the e calms me. In this place, at this moment it is hard to imagine anything going horribly wrong.
~3:00 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I look at someone's watch without their knowing it. Could I really have spent an hour and a half talking to evening dress? Apparently. I continue looking for The Girlfriend.
I find her in a dark corner, on a couch, wrapped up with 30something in a rather passionate embrace. I am troubled. This is not really the kind of casual e-kiss I am used to. It's not subtle or playful. It is direct and serious. Still, I am luved up enough that I watch them from a distance in silence. The troubled feeling I have is distant, and its persistent efforts to get to my psyche are thwarted by the music, the ambiance, the e and my growing realization that there is love between these two. Genuine love. I cannot really explain it but I find suddenly that I am very happy for her. Him, I do not know, but she needs this. I don't know how I know this, or how I am able to evade the jealous reaction I am certain I should have. Especially as the realization that their touch is familiar, the result of weeks, if not months of practiced attention, crawls slowly into my awareness. Learned behavior. I watch, enthralled. Learning more and more about what I overlooked with each passing minute, carress, nuzzle. She was flushed when I got back. As if something had hurriedly been covered up, hidden. The shallow kiss on my return, loveless, dutiful. The strained look when she took the e on the train, forcing herself, a collection of will. The wistful look (puppy love?) of hers on the train thereafter. The way she steered us to that particular table. Her detachment. The realization that it is probably over between us- and I have no idea how I know this- comes as... not a relief, but at least an acceptable turn of events. When it comes to me it is as a reality to be accepted, not a shock. Strange. I watch the lovers for what must be 30 minutes, longer. They are so absorbed in each other they are oblivious.
~3:30 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I am beyond high. The e has hit me really hard. Full glowing body high, luved up. Able to watch The Girlfriend in e enhanced passion with 30something and somehow it feels, right. They are hugging then, her chin on his shoulder, looking out into the bar when she sees me. Our eyes meet and I see a dark sorrow crawl over her face. She stands up immediately and walks across the chasm between us in 5 lovely steps. She is still as graceful as I remember her. I am fascinated with her hair in the infinite moments she spends walking over to me. Fascinated with its texture. The grain of it. The color of it and, eventually, the scent of it. I love her all over again from the beginning...until she embraces me. Then her hair is all over my face and I smell... him. Cool Water. Ugh. She is sobbing. That strikes me suddenly as entirely silly. I tell her to wait and I walk over to 30something, who is oblivious to the scene that just passed. I introduce myself, tell him I just thought he should know who I was and that I bear him no ill will. He is speechless. I leave him so and sit for a few minutes with The Exgirlfriend, who continues to cry. Silly, I tell her. Don't cry. She is about to say "I'm sorry," but I hear it coming and put my finger over her lips. It's ok. Really. I can see you two have something. He's probably not even on e. I forgive her. How could I not? These things happen. I take her shoulders, hold her at half-arms length, look deep into her eyes and try to project as much calm as I can right into the windows to her soul. "It's ok. Really." She melts into my shoulder, the sobbing stops. We hug like that, her face buried in my neck, for a few minutes and then I break the embrace. That was the hardest thing I have done in a long time, to seperate from her in that moment. I walk to the door, I don't look back. On the way, I just can’t help myself, I plant a firm spank with my left hand on the right cheek of evening dresses perfectly positioned ass. A faint squeak emits from her as she jumps. I keep walking right out the door in a smooth motion, as if nothing had happened.
~4:15 am - Zurich Hauptbahnhof.
It's more than an hour to the next train home. The e is still quite strong. Despite the evening everything looks, wonderful. The lit signs are beautiful to watch. The air is crisp. The sky is dark. The Hauptbahnhof is almost an open-air edifice. You feel outside, but not quite. It's surreal on e. I highly recommend it. I am struck suddenly by the operational beauty of Swiss trains. On-time or not it's an amazing endeavor. I look around calculating all the equipment and what it must cost. How much in assets are sitting here now? How many lovely, Italian designed ICN trains? I love it in Zurich. I love her. I love it in Switzerland, but now, I think I must leave. Partings on e, I have found, are wonderfully empowering.
~5:45 am - The ICN Train from Zurich (T + 6:15)
The leaning train again. Now it's me who has the wistful look and my head on the window. I'm gazing out into the dawn green- it is so beautiful here, even not on e- the e has subsided, but it still makes its presence quite known. Just one pill and over 6 hours, but that's not unusual after I've taken a long break and been on 5-HTP therapy. I know now, though, that I will leave Switzerland. That I will pack up my things today head to the States and leave the place to The Girlfriend. I have a vision that I won't see her again for a long time, but that somehow this seems right. My cellphone rings. Who else can it be. I ignore it.
~6:15 am - The ICN Train from Zurich.
I have mentioned before the powerful coincidences that seem to pop up when I'm on e. "As the Rush Comes" playing at just the right time. Two songs from a 10 year old album both playing next to each other. Running into the girlfriend of a colleague. So shouldn't be surprised at them. I still am, though.
At some point when I'm deepest in my thoughts about life, and where to go, I sense a presence. I look away from the window, which had totally absorbed me for nearly 30 minutes, and find a young 20something girl sitting across from me, looking at me intently. This is unusual as the car is nearly empty. Why would she sit across from me. She, too, is familiar. Then I remember her as the very, very sad looking girl that I saw on this very train some months ago, heading (Home from Zurich? To school from home in Zurich?) somewhere. She looked probably like I look now. Weary and sad. She looked beautiful then. She looks beautiful now. The e is still working, certainly, but it has a lot of material to work with in this beauty. We meet eyes. I sense possibility. I sense a potential connection. I remember pining over her the last time I saw her. For the entire train ride, almost. I feel that she remembers me, and is just waiting now for me to say something so she can tell me she does. The moment is right there I have only to take it. The beginnings of an expectant smile haunt her mouth as she senses I am about to speak. I look away, into the dawn from my window, recede peacefully back into myself.
[edits: typos, title, small additions I forgot before]
It's one of those antsy nights. Where you know you want to go do something, but it's hard to figure out exactly what might appeal. And on top of this... you are just tired enough to be on the fence when it comes to going out. Ugh. I HAD been flying for most of the day, after all.
After a bit to eat and some superficial catching up with The Girlfriend we plan to spend a night, and probably the next morning, out. The energy is back up where it should be. Tomorrow is a very lazy day. The weather is mostly nice. Dropping e seems like a much better idea suddenly. A lot of all night clubs have been getting raided in Zurich lately, and we decide to spend the night somewhere lower-key. Somewhere loungy. Somewhere more... intimate. I've really missed The Girlfriend. We pop some Vitamin C before we go.
~11:30 pm - The ICN Train to Zurich (T + 0:00).
The InterCity Neigezug (ICN) is a somewhat-high speed (200 km/hr) tilting train. It tilts into the turns so as to be able to take them at higher speed. (Much like the slant on oval raceways). Pininfarina (the firm behind e.g., almost every Ferrari and Mazerati design) did the design work for the ICN and they are wonderfully graceful trains, all full of curves and sloped shapes. I'm not usually a "train guy" but I do love the look of the ICNs. Likewise, I don't know what it is with me and taking e on the leaning train, but it has some kind of strange appeal. Perhaps it's the environment. All the commuters have gone home by now. Even the late comers to Zurich airport won't be on the train until the stop right before Zurich. This means that being on a train this late in Switzerland means you pretty much have the car to yourself, or, at worst, you have to share it with someone else on their way to Zurich for some late-night antics. I have a friend who is adept at picking up his future girlfriends on the Friday night train to Zurich. Add to this the fact that there is almost no authority, aside the conductor who has probably seen it all already, and why not drop your pills on the train? So we do.
The Girlfriend takes a half a White (the rather strong pills I picked up in Amsterdam) and I take a whole. She looks almost strained when she takes it. I think to ask after her, but decide to leave her in silence. Presently, she looks out the window into the darkness with an almost... wistful expression and she is so beautiful at that moment I cannot bring myself to disturb her. Her head is leaning against the window, her gaze almost fixed at some imaginary point into the night, an almost but not quite sad smile- a contented look really- on her face, and her face is reflected against itself in the window from my angle. I imagine her to be happy I am home. To disrupt this... it would be like dropping a rock into a still pool and destroying the wonderful silence with a *ploink* and ruining the perfect, mirror like reflection of a full, silver-blue moon with the violent ripples from the intruder. The train hums and leans hard into a fast, right-hand curve.
~12:10 am - Zurich Zentrum.
We end up in a little loungy bar that was once the place to be and now has calmed down a bit without losing all the ambiance, but absent any of the noise. There are perhaps 75-80 people there. All of whom are enjoying their own relaxed conversation. Quite a contrast to the scene here less than a year ago when 300 would easily be packing the main room, the DJ would be playing much more aggressive stuff and the vibe was pure energy. I prefer it this way tonight.
I begin to feel a little tickle on my skin and I am convinced I can smell what must be a vodka drink at the table next to us. As always, acute sense of smell is what I first notice on my e comeups. It's a harsh scent and I entertain myself fantasizing that I can tell it's Absolut, like some kind of professional wine taster. Maybe they use e? I could easily find out if it is, but I feel that would spoil my little super senses thrill that e always gives me. I would hate for it to be imagined. The Girlfriend is watching a couple two tables over. The guy at the table, a well dressed 30something, is watching back with almost unrestrained intensity, oblivious to the conversation emanating from the lovely and thin brunette sitting with him. He looks vaguely familiar, but I am certain it is my imagination. She's flirting already and The Girlfriend's eyes have gone all black. I think to myself that she won't need more than that first half for awhile.
12:45 am - Zurich Zentrum.
It's hitting pretty hard. It's been a while since I've done any e and I am as luved up as it gets. Just a wonderful warmth about everything. I have a sudden epiphany about a work topic and pull out my uber-geek Treo to type myself a quick note, less I lose it on the comedown. The colors from the Treo screen are amazingly beautiful. The music (which I later identify as GOL - Soma Holiday followed by Pentatonik - Devotion, surprising coincidences since they are both on the One A.D. album but didn't play in that order. But then, amazing musical coincidences seem common with me when e is involved) is a warm bubbling background. I can feel it calming me, taking me with it. I fear if I close my eyes and let it take me any farther I won't get back. Usually, I enjoy this, but tonight is supposed to be about The Girlfriend and making up for lost time traveling.
1:15 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I try to connect with The Girlfriend again, but she is in her own world with the 30something guy (the Brunette is beginning to notice now) and so I order a Cola Lite (I love the taste of it on e) and savor it for awhile, letting the sweetness hang in my mouth without swallowing, feeling the carbonization tickle, waiting for her to either come out of her flirt mode, or for enough time to pass where I will want to entertain myself instead of just watching her. I can't bring myself to disturb her. I always prefer to leave her be like this than to impose myself on her. She's having fun, why accost her?
1:35 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I am so lit I literally FLOAT up to the bar, gliding like I'm on ice, and am waiting for not 3 minutes to annoy the bar staff with another request for a marginless Cola Lite, or maybe a normal Coke this time, or even a Fanta, when a girl I know I have met before walks right up to me and says, "Hi!" She's got an evening dress on. And I mean a stunning evening dress. Her shoulders are bare and a obscenely elegant and expensive diamond necklace graces her chest and draws my eyes to her delicate clavicles. I love clavicles. Did The Girlfriend and I have sex with her once perhaps? I smile that welcoming e smile, sure for a moment that it was at some club or some cocktail party or some something, looking deep into her eyes for those wide pupils, which comically, aren't there, when... fuck... TURN OFF THE TELEVISION, PUT IN FULL FLAPS AND BLEACH MY SOCKS TWICE... I remember her, alright. I am pretty sure she is the girlfriend of one of my colleagues at the bank. A VERY senior colleague. It clicks into place. She's with some other evening-attired professionals a few tables down. They went to the opera or something and are having the relaxed, erudite, post-culture nightcap now. BOX MY EAR WITH A POUND OF RAW COOKIE DOUGH AND PUT ME ON A BAKING SHEET, what fucking timing. I doubt it would be good to let on that I am flying like a kite in a thunderstorm just now. I am not sure her boyfriend would care very much, but I try to keep my personal drug use just that- personal. I am immediately conscious of my eyes.
I try to adopt that casual "I'm high but I don't have to show it," smile. You know the one. The one that burns 2000 calories an hour because of the effort required to maintain the ruse. Then I try to speak how someone on e thinks someone not on e speaks. Of course, you can never get it quite right. Too fast. Too slow. Overcorrecting one way and then the other. It feels like it takes 45 minutes just to explain that no, we didn't go to the opera, and I just got back from a long bit of travel. But it continues. And in the process, something sinister is brewing in me. Oh, of COURSE the cocktail party is tomorrow, yes, I will be there and ~you know... your eyes are absolutely magnificent~ there is no doubt in my mind that ~they look like glacial ice, pure... innocent... but possessed of some deep rooted ancient wisdom~ we won't lose the client it is just a matter of working with the relationship advisor to realize that ~your skin is... so wonderfully pale and smooth~ we can establish a better working partnership if ~I can only put your sweet lips to mine for the softest, warmest kiss with which I could melt your soul and mine together like chocolate in the sun~ since Karl left but I have little doubt that ~I would love to just make eversosoft love to you... and feel your warm skin against mine... possess you in the way you finally want to be possessed... hear the soft little cries you are embarrassed to let out~ we can get things together. The look on her face. The way we interact... I am beginning to think she understands what is going on in my head. Starting to return it? I feel a mind-reading connection coming on. My psyche is working in four places at once. All of them, simply beautiful. A glint on her hand catches my eye. A rock. A rather large rock. He popped the question to her? Amazing. And here I am, luved up and resisting with all my might the urge to just lean forward, put my hand gently behind her lovely, long neck, and draw her slowly, eversoslowly towards me for the most elegant and sublime of kisses. The strain of it must show on my brow. "Here with? Oh, The Girlfriend is right over..." But she isn't. She is quite gone. Her drink nearly untouched, her chair empty.
I should say at this point that neither of us are jealous people. Flirtation and even harmless e-petting isn't something that bothers me. I quite enjoy watching her flirt with other women and even other men on occasion while on e. She seems to enjoy the reverse as well. It's part of e for us. If I were prone to getting upset over a cuddle puddle (even some cuddle groping) I wouldn’t be doing e with her and I probably wouldn't be dating her. I am no more offended by her admiring other men that she would be at my little mental exchange with the evening dress. We do have some unwritten rules. We are not "swingers." Sex with third parties is a permissible but very rare and very carefully regulated activity. Sex with third parties in the absence of each other is just a no-no. Vanishing while on e is, however, entirely verboten. In this place, I am not particularly worried. Very upscale. Well-to-do clientele. But in the places we usually do e, that's a different story. Still the rule applies and I'm a little miffed at the vanishing act.
I tear myself away from evening dress and wander about looking. Somehow the e calms me. In this place, at this moment it is hard to imagine anything going horribly wrong.
~3:00 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I look at someone's watch without their knowing it. Could I really have spent an hour and a half talking to evening dress? Apparently. I continue looking for The Girlfriend.
I find her in a dark corner, on a couch, wrapped up with 30something in a rather passionate embrace. I am troubled. This is not really the kind of casual e-kiss I am used to. It's not subtle or playful. It is direct and serious. Still, I am luved up enough that I watch them from a distance in silence. The troubled feeling I have is distant, and its persistent efforts to get to my psyche are thwarted by the music, the ambiance, the e and my growing realization that there is love between these two. Genuine love. I cannot really explain it but I find suddenly that I am very happy for her. Him, I do not know, but she needs this. I don't know how I know this, or how I am able to evade the jealous reaction I am certain I should have. Especially as the realization that their touch is familiar, the result of weeks, if not months of practiced attention, crawls slowly into my awareness. Learned behavior. I watch, enthralled. Learning more and more about what I overlooked with each passing minute, carress, nuzzle. She was flushed when I got back. As if something had hurriedly been covered up, hidden. The shallow kiss on my return, loveless, dutiful. The strained look when she took the e on the train, forcing herself, a collection of will. The wistful look (puppy love?) of hers on the train thereafter. The way she steered us to that particular table. Her detachment. The realization that it is probably over between us- and I have no idea how I know this- comes as... not a relief, but at least an acceptable turn of events. When it comes to me it is as a reality to be accepted, not a shock. Strange. I watch the lovers for what must be 30 minutes, longer. They are so absorbed in each other they are oblivious.
~3:30 am - Zurich Zentrum.
I am beyond high. The e has hit me really hard. Full glowing body high, luved up. Able to watch The Girlfriend in e enhanced passion with 30something and somehow it feels, right. They are hugging then, her chin on his shoulder, looking out into the bar when she sees me. Our eyes meet and I see a dark sorrow crawl over her face. She stands up immediately and walks across the chasm between us in 5 lovely steps. She is still as graceful as I remember her. I am fascinated with her hair in the infinite moments she spends walking over to me. Fascinated with its texture. The grain of it. The color of it and, eventually, the scent of it. I love her all over again from the beginning...until she embraces me. Then her hair is all over my face and I smell... him. Cool Water. Ugh. She is sobbing. That strikes me suddenly as entirely silly. I tell her to wait and I walk over to 30something, who is oblivious to the scene that just passed. I introduce myself, tell him I just thought he should know who I was and that I bear him no ill will. He is speechless. I leave him so and sit for a few minutes with The Exgirlfriend, who continues to cry. Silly, I tell her. Don't cry. She is about to say "I'm sorry," but I hear it coming and put my finger over her lips. It's ok. Really. I can see you two have something. He's probably not even on e. I forgive her. How could I not? These things happen. I take her shoulders, hold her at half-arms length, look deep into her eyes and try to project as much calm as I can right into the windows to her soul. "It's ok. Really." She melts into my shoulder, the sobbing stops. We hug like that, her face buried in my neck, for a few minutes and then I break the embrace. That was the hardest thing I have done in a long time, to seperate from her in that moment. I walk to the door, I don't look back. On the way, I just can’t help myself, I plant a firm spank with my left hand on the right cheek of evening dresses perfectly positioned ass. A faint squeak emits from her as she jumps. I keep walking right out the door in a smooth motion, as if nothing had happened.
~4:15 am - Zurich Hauptbahnhof.
It's more than an hour to the next train home. The e is still quite strong. Despite the evening everything looks, wonderful. The lit signs are beautiful to watch. The air is crisp. The sky is dark. The Hauptbahnhof is almost an open-air edifice. You feel outside, but not quite. It's surreal on e. I highly recommend it. I am struck suddenly by the operational beauty of Swiss trains. On-time or not it's an amazing endeavor. I look around calculating all the equipment and what it must cost. How much in assets are sitting here now? How many lovely, Italian designed ICN trains? I love it in Zurich. I love her. I love it in Switzerland, but now, I think I must leave. Partings on e, I have found, are wonderfully empowering.
~5:45 am - The ICN Train from Zurich (T + 6:15)
The leaning train again. Now it's me who has the wistful look and my head on the window. I'm gazing out into the dawn green- it is so beautiful here, even not on e- the e has subsided, but it still makes its presence quite known. Just one pill and over 6 hours, but that's not unusual after I've taken a long break and been on 5-HTP therapy. I know now, though, that I will leave Switzerland. That I will pack up my things today head to the States and leave the place to The Girlfriend. I have a vision that I won't see her again for a long time, but that somehow this seems right. My cellphone rings. Who else can it be. I ignore it.
~6:15 am - The ICN Train from Zurich.
I have mentioned before the powerful coincidences that seem to pop up when I'm on e. "As the Rush Comes" playing at just the right time. Two songs from a 10 year old album both playing next to each other. Running into the girlfriend of a colleague. So shouldn't be surprised at them. I still am, though.
At some point when I'm deepest in my thoughts about life, and where to go, I sense a presence. I look away from the window, which had totally absorbed me for nearly 30 minutes, and find a young 20something girl sitting across from me, looking at me intently. This is unusual as the car is nearly empty. Why would she sit across from me. She, too, is familiar. Then I remember her as the very, very sad looking girl that I saw on this very train some months ago, heading (Home from Zurich? To school from home in Zurich?) somewhere. She looked probably like I look now. Weary and sad. She looked beautiful then. She looks beautiful now. The e is still working, certainly, but it has a lot of material to work with in this beauty. We meet eyes. I sense possibility. I sense a potential connection. I remember pining over her the last time I saw her. For the entire train ride, almost. I feel that she remembers me, and is just waiting now for me to say something so she can tell me she does. The moment is right there I have only to take it. The beginnings of an expectant smile haunt her mouth as she senses I am about to speak. I look away, into the dawn from my window, recede peacefully back into myself.
[edits: typos, title, small additions I forgot before]
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