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MDMA Depression (IMPORTANT AND POSITIVE!)

Cat, thanks for sticking around a bit longer. I've been going through a really rough time but you've inspired me to seek more help for this thing and not feel like I have to fight it alone. It's really been wearing me down.
I just feel really different than I used to and I don't respond to external stimuli the same which is really messing with me and making me feel like I'll never get better. Is that kindof what you went through? My internal dialogue feels really slowed down as well.
Totally understand the lack of curiosity/motivation. It's like even if I try to do fun or interesting things I don't get the mental rewards that I used to so I just give up.
Like you mentioned I feel if I get through this I'll have an understanding and appreciation for life that few people gain through normal, everyday experiences. I can't wait for this to be over.
Anyways, your update means more than you know. Reading your old posts, I figured if this guy got better he would have returned by now. So it was a pleasant surprise to log in and see you've recovered. Definitely has given me more hope than I had last week.
 
yo yo yo AIGHTTTT. I read your posts and it's funny cause it's SO true brah-heem.

I had some pretty bad depression and social anxiety since I was like 14 years old. I've always been a little anxious, and always had some weird negative thought loops that would happen.

I had a talk with my family the other day, and they made me realize... I've had these sorts of mental problems my whole life. I would cry in front of my brother (a lot) about how depressed I was!! So yeah, I think people who get "long-term comedowns" either did Molly WAYYY too much, or (more probable) you're just prone to a little mental illness! Anxiety, Depression... it can cause all them problems. The MDMA just pushed me over the edge.

Alright bro, I need to realize that I don't have stomach cancer, liver failure, brain tumor, IBS, kidney disease. I need to finally wake up and realize that I am being a hypochondriac and that I probably have an anxiety disorder that was agitated by the molly comedown!


OK OK I get it now. So catinthehat24, it's weird because I am not being affected by depression currently (at least that's what I think). I don't really feel all that sad, I think it's more anxiety that I am dealing with. Negative thought loops and feelings of dread, that seem to come out from no where, you know? I wonder why this is. I was definitely super depressed all my life pretty much, then after using MDMA I had a huge depressive breakdown (crying + #nohope and shit) about a week later and then my "symptoms" came... ever since that depressive breakdown, I haven't really felt depressed or sad.

How weird is that? Okay I'm just babbling now.

Anyways, I'm hesitant to go on antidepressants because I have already tried SSRI sertraline (Zoloft) in high school. I went on it for like 3 weeks and if made me feel weird and dissociated and that's it.

Do you think I should give them another chance? I'm really worried about the long-term effects and the dependance. I don't want to have to be on antidepressants my whole life! Just want them to snap me out of it, and then be okay on my own slowly.



Thanks again, I really appreciate your story.
 
catinthehat4 said:
So I think what I'll actually do is hover for the next few days, trying to clear up any unanswered questions. I just don't want to leave anyone hanging. I felt bad for not coming back sooner, but honestly just being on this site triggers some really bad memories/feelings for me. But I'm basically past that now.

PMZ: Regarding firing on all pistons: When I was going through my depression, I felt much slower than I ever did. I still made pretty good grades (although they did slip), but for the first time in my life I really doubted my intelligence.

For one, depression causes brain fog. Your brain is sort of shutting itself down, so you are slower. However, when the happiness returned so too did the pistons. Another thing is that when you think you have brain damage, you tend to overanalyze all your cognitive maneuvers. For instance, my whole life I've been bad with names. But when I was in my depression, all the sudden I thought I was really stupid for forgetting names and attributed it to my "brain damage." In addition, I think the most important part of any intellect, way more so than IQ, is curiosity and motivation. When you're depressed, you don't have either of these things. I actually think this is the biggest factor in perceived cognitive decline.

But I 100% felt like I lost my cognitive mojo to some extent when I was depressed. I felt like I would never be the intellectual being I once was.

Luckily I was wrong.
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good to know man. The only thing that scares me is that I had felt a lot slower and lacked my sharpness far before my depression kicked in.

I remember sitting down at work on monday after that weekend and trying to get work done, and immediately going "omg why cant I figure this stuff out" it was then that the anxiety kicked in, over the course of 2 weeks, I realizes that i could not function at all the way I used to. This is what triggered huge anxiety in me. Then after I lost my job and me and my GF split, the depression came in. So im really confused why things are happening backwards for me.

This is the scariest thing and why I fear for the worst. It just doesnt make sense.
 
pmz said:
I remember sitting down at work on monday after that weekend and trying to get work done, and immediately going "omg why cant I figure this stuff out" it was then that the anxiety kicked in, over the course of 2 weeks, I realizes that i could not function at all the way I used to. This is what triggered huge anxiety in me. Then after I lost my job and me and my GF split, the depression came in. So im really confused why things are happening backwards for me.

This is the scariest thing and why I fear for the worst. It just doesnt make sense.
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It seems to make perfect sense. You seemed to have a brain fog during your comedown which caused anxiety about "not being normal." Your anxiety about not getting back to normal is causing a physical manifestation of lasting brain fog and when you and your girl broke up you got depressed. Sounds like you need to go and have fun with friends and family.

Of course this is just one possibility but it really does seem to make chronological sense.
 
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Edit : Sorry for being a cunt. This just gets old.

I wasn't trying to belittle anybody. I'm just aggravated at threads like this.

I shouldn't have commented at all.

I'm just going to try and overlook these recovery threads. ED is my home...and I just gotta accept that people are gonna post their stories regardless my thoughts about it.

Sorry.
 
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F1n1shed said:
Dude, you have no concept on how MDMA works. You always be little other peoples problems, and act as if they are making up the experience. There are light users who go through the same thing.

<snip> There aren't many drugs out there that change your brain chemistry as fast as MDMA can. One day you can be fine, the next day after a heavy roll you can set your self up for months of hell.
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Pretty sure I understand the concept. Do you?
 
Cat i just have one question very very important for me. I was reading your post, and you said that you had tight and sore jaw...only in the begginin. Actually im emotional recovered, im pretty sure. The only simpton wich seems chronic is bruxism and its goin to be 1 and half year and every month is worst. That is what you got? if is that...how you come through it? any advice is goin to be MUCH apreciated. thanks :D!!!
 
Again, I really felt so slow during my depression. I felt I'd never regain my full cognitive function, but I have. Worrying about your perceived loss of cognitive function only makes it worse and its a bad feedback loop. But this is really hard to get out of when you feel like shit because you're depressed.

It's been proven that depression causes hypochondria. If you look at the first book ever written on depression, it's called something melancholia I think and I think it was written in like the 1700's, but it listed hypochondria as a symptom...that goes to show how linked they are.

I can't really say I had constant bruxism so I don't really know what to to tell you on that. Maybe you've gotten so accustomed to clenching your jaw that's it's now wired into your brain to do so? But everyone's body is different. All I can say is depression made me feel a lot of really weird symptoms.

My experience was mostly depression, although I did have crippling anxiety attacks from time to time. Anxiety and depression are go hand-in-hand, so I'm not really sure it's even worthwhile to try and differentiate.

This is all conjecture and my experience. Again, please see a professional for a proper diagnosis. And get a couple opinions if you need to. It's your life!

And thanks for the apology dude. I could definitely see how these types of threads could be annoying if you've only ever had positive experiences with MDMA. But I'm not making anything up and I'd venture to so nobody else is, so like you said, if you can't relate it's probably best to stay out of the thread. And seriously count your blessing you never had to go through this. Thanks.
 
congrats on the recovery cat !

and thank you for answering all the questions.

for me i was quite upset with all the doctors i visited, they had no clue about mdma damage.

oh, and may i ask, do you live completely sober now ?

cheers
 
catinthehat4 said:
Again, I really felt so slow during my depression. I felt I'd never regain my full cognitive function, but I have. Worrying about your perceived loss of cognitive function only makes it worse and its a bad feedback loop. But this is really hard to get out of when you feel like shit because you're depressed.
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I try hard to not worry about it. what draws me back in to worrying is I notice I find reading difficult now. It takes me an extra second to pronounce a word in my head or I will just misread it all together. Has anyone here experienced this? I honestly feel like this is the one thing that places me in a different spot than everyone else. Ive yet to read about about someone experiencing this.
 
pmz do you have any sexual problems?


btw try not to worry so much, I know it sounds stupid but I think we are worrying too much. Honestly I do feel a little dumber and I forget a lot more and my attention span is bad now and stuff. But I'm over analyzing my condition to the state of hypochondria. The only things that really bothers me is the sexual dysfunction and anxiety/worrying. I could live with everything else. Having less memory/cognitive function is okay with me, as long as my dick starts working again!! :D
 
Pmz - I experienced it, bad. A lot of us have.

During my comedown, I was a research clerk for a big law firm and my job was to do research and then write pre trial motions and briefs. My job required an enormous amount of reading comprehension and analysis. I thought I was in a whole world of shit when I couldn't even understand what I was reading. I just forced myself to work, albeit a lot slower at first. Once I realized that I still could read and write on a professional level (by forcing myself to do it), the anxiety went down a bit. I still felt that I had mental fog but I could still function, even though it was extremely uncomfortable.

My brain is a bit sensitive right now after messing with MDMA again a few weeks ago. If I drink more than a 1/4 cup of coffee I get a bad spell of DR, to the point where it can get hard for me to read. But at the same time, I KNOW I can still read and the DR is temporary so I just ignore it and do my best to carry on with my work. It might slow me down a bit but before I know it, I am completely focused on my work and forget that my perception is a bit askew and I am fine.
 
WhatIsWrongWithMe said:
pmz do you have any sexual problems?


btw try not to worry so much, I know it sounds stupid but I think we are worrying too much. Honestly I do feel a little dumber and I forget a lot more and my attention span is bad now and stuff. But I'm over analyzing my condition to the state of hypochondria. The only things that really bothers me is the sexual dysfunction and anxiety/worrying. I could live with everything else. Having less memory/cognitive function is okay with me, as long as my dick starts working again!! :D
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unfortunatly :/ It works, but not as good at the moment.

Dawglaw said:
Pmz - I experienced it, bad. A lot of us have.

During my comedown, I was a research clerk for a big law firm and my job was to do research and then write pre trial motions and briefs. My job required an enormous amount of reading comprehension and analysis. I thought I was in a whole world of shit when I couldn't even understand what I was reading. I just forced myself to work, albeit a lot slower at first. Once I realized that I still could read and write on a professional level (by forcing myself to do it), the anxiety went down a bit. I still felt that I had mental fog but I could still function, even though it was extremely uncomfortable.

My brain is a bit sensitive right now after messing with MDMA again a few weeks ago. If I drink more than a 1/4 cup of coffee I get a bad spell of DR, to the point where it can get hard for me to read. But at the same time, I KNOW I can still read and the DR is temporary so I just ignore it and do my best to carry on with my work. It might slow me down a bit but before I know it, I am completely focused on my work and forget that my perception is a bit askew and I am fine.
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Good to know thanks. Shit, I wish I was still working. Makes me feel better though.
 
Pmz... no you are not alone. Almost everyone with a long comedown experiences it I think. 2 weeks after my experience I had to put together an introduction for a scientific article I was writing for my undergraduate research. You can imagine the difficulties. It took longer for me to put together and to start cuz of the difficulties but I didn't let it stop me. My introduction ended up being one of the best ones put together out of the whole research group. 2 months later, cognitive issues still persisted, but they got better week by week. I did acknowledge they were caused by the depression and DR I was experiencing. Although your issues hinder you now, I believe they will pass. Time and patience.. time and patience. Chin up! :)
 
ggarza921 said:
Pmz... no you are not alone. Almost everyone with a long comedown experiences it I think. 2 weeks after my experience I had to put together an introduction for a scientific article I was writing for my undergraduate research. You can imagine the difficulties. It took longer for me to put together and to start cuz of the difficulties but I didn't let it stop me. My introduction ended up being one of the best ones put together out of the whole research group. 2 months later, cognitive issues still persisted, but they got better week by week. I did acknowledge they were caused by the depression and DR I was experiencing. Although your issues hinder you now, I believe they will pass. Time and patience.. time and patience. Chin up! :)
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thanks man. It wasnt my choice to leave work. Trust me I would push through it as hard as I could If I was still working.
 
one more odd question.... Anyone experience compulsive eating? Ive noticed since this happened I cannot satisfy my hunger for the life of me. No matter how much I eat, 10 minuets later Im hungry again. And as full as my stomach feels, I still feel like I want to eat food. I ask this because most posts I read about hunger is the lack of desire to eat, or cant eat because of digestive issues.
 
Pmz, I compulsively ate as well. Unlike a lot of people I actually put on weight after this started. 20 lbs. I used to be a big social drinker but pretty much stopped after the comedown so to replace that I started eating out with friends more. Have you drank at all since your comedown started?
I have noticed that alcohol doesn't really give me a buzz any more since this happened. Has anybody experienced that? Maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own head I literally don't allow myself to enjoy things like before.
 
How did everybody feel energywise? I feel completely exhausted when I get up in the morning even if I had a full nights sleep and was really healthy the night before. It drives me crazy cause its so hard to get stuff done with this exhaustion.
 
I have noticed that alcohol doesn't really give me a buzz any more since this happened. Has anybody experienced that?
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Yes big time. I can drink half a bottle of whisky and it gives me a very very mild buzz. before this comedown a glass of whisky would knock me for six.

For this reason I have totally axed alcohol as it does nothing. I have even noticed benzos dont really effect me anymore either I have also stopped taking them.

Re appetite when all this first started I had literally no appetite at all that is how I ended up in mental hospital because I refused to eat and eventually my mum called in the mental health team who sectioned me for my own protection and I got dragged to hospital by the cops.

Just recently within the past week or so I have noticed myself sleeping a bit better and now I have more of an appetite and also food has started tasting better.

How did everybody feel energywise?
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Definitely very LOW. I think this is probably one of the worst things about this whole episode.
 
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xxxyakinikuxxx said:
Pmz, I compulsively ate as well. Unlike a lot of people I actually put on weight after this started. 20 lbs. I used to be a big social drinker but pretty much stopped after the comedown so to replace that I started eating out with friends more. Have you drank at all since your comedown started?
I have noticed that alcohol doesn't really give me a buzz any more since this happened. Has anybody experienced that? Maybe I'm so wrapped up in my own head I literally don't allow myself to enjoy things like before.
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I drank once the 2 week after this happened. I rememeber it being a weird drunk thought. it was from wine. Shit I really hope I cant drink and enjoy drinking in the future.
 
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