MDMA Depression (IMPORTANT AND POSITIVE!)

[catinthehat4]

What's up y'all, I haven't been on here in like 3 years. I'm sharing my story because I think it could help someone, maybe even save a life. This will be my last post and I'm never going to visit this site again. Thank you.

Why am I writing this? I found out someone I used to correspond with on this site and who also had a similar depression experience from an MDMA use (we had nearly identical situations) killed himself. It's so sad because I know he could've gotten better like I did. I don't want that to happen to anyone else.

So this whole thing started like 3 years ago. I went through depression for 1.5 years and it's been 1.5 years since I began to recover (approximately).

October 30, 2010: I took roughly 500mg of what I thought to be Molly. Was it molly? I think so. Was it 100% pure? Highly doubtful. I think it was cut with speed. Of course you should test your shit but this story is directed towards people who've already made the mistake of taking MDMA (which can be a wonderful drug) unsafely. I was one of those people.

I rolled hard, but nothing to the point where I could anticipate what was going to happen after. What happened was this: I essentially had a perpetual ecstasy comedown for the next 1.5 years. I'm not kidding. It was horrible. This incident triggered a depression that was nothing less than hellacious. It's not worth getting into all the details but to make a long story short I felt like I was losing my mind, I couldn't sleep, anxiety attacks, loss of joy, loss of cognitive function, and every day was a nightmare. Again, I'm not exaggerating.

Throughout this 1.5 years I didnt really see a (good) doctor. THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE. There were a lot of people on this site telling me all sorts of nonsense (and some people giving my really good advice too). But basically I convinced myself that MDMA had totally ruined my brain and there was nothing that could be done. I was hopeless. I was convinced antidepressants couldnt help because I thought I'd totally destroyed my serotonin axons/downregulated them to the point of no return. I was convinced I needed electroshock therapy as my only hope.

Well, I ended up in a psych ward. I had poison in my closet and a suicide note written. I was going to kill myself. I was not going to make an attempt. I was going to do it. I was very scared. Well, before doing so, I said fuck it, and I told a psychologist I was suicidal and needed to be placed in a hospital. What had I to lose?

THIS WAS THE 2ND BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. The hospital was so helpful. For the first time in 1.5 years people were listening to me and believed what I was saying. Once I was in the ward my parents finally realized how serious this was (they had some idea but unless you go through depression you can never know...) and they took my to one of the city's best psychiatrists.

IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING DEPRESSION OF ANY KIND, RESULTING FROM MDMA OR OTHERWISE, YOU ARE EXPERIENCING AN ILLNESS. YOU NEED TO GO TO A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL. YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WHY TO SEE ONE OF THE BEST PSYCHIATRISTS IN YOUR CITY. THIS WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID.

Long story short: we came up with a gameplan. He put me on 900mg lithium, 750 mg buproprian and 40 mg Viibryd. This might sound intense to some, but like, I was going to kill myself. Taking some meds was a very, very, very small price to pay. And guess what? Over the past year to year and half I've tapered down. I'm not only on 250mg Buproprian and 40mg Viibryd. I'm confident I'll be able to taper off completely.

I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE NOW AND I'M DOING SO, SO WELL. It sounds cheesy, but the experience made me so much better. I'm so much happier now and well-balanced. Also, my cognitive function is better than ever. Depression itself hinders cognitive function and that's what was happening. I didn't fuck up my brain from one heavy use of MDMA--I simply triggered depression.

BOTTOM LINE: YOU CAN GET BETTER AND YOU WILL. BUT PLEASE GET OFF THIS MESSAGE BOARD AND SEE A PROFESSIONAL.

Also: Big pharm isn't the best thing in the world but it's also not the worst. Be reasonable. The meds it provides help people if you have a good game plan about it. Theres nothing wrong with being on medication.

best and good luck.

 

[xxxyakinikuxxx]

Catinthehat, I literally almost shit myself when I saw your name. For the past 8 months I've been reading and following all the stories I could find on mdma damage. I was particularly interested in yours and I assumed the worst when I saw your posts stop abruptly.
I just want to say thanks for coming back and updating. It truly is a sign of hope for people struggling through dark times.

 

[4evrLkn]

^^^^ I totally agree, really good story and update to show people that there is always a way to get better, and find a remedy when it seems totally hopeless.
I'm very sorry to hear about the fellow BLighter, but great to hear your story! Thanks alot OP!!!!

 

[swedger77]

 

[Diloadid]

[video]http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9u0EL_u4nvw[/video]

 

[pmz]

holy shit dude, I cant believe I just saw this thread as well. Thanks for the inspiration.

And Diloadid. Blow off. Its very possible to experience that i believe. If you fuck with you brain chemistry then yeah, It will take a while to restore. This isnt some loss of serotonin here. Its deeper than that. Its a heavy enough dose, then yeah, shit will go wrong for a while. Im doing my best to hang in after 2 months if this.

 

[pmz]

dude, so many questions. If you ever see this, please message me.

 

[F1n1shed]

You had a 1.5 year long comedown?

I've about lost it with these ridiculous messiah-ish threads.

This is why the cuddle puddle is about the safest place to post in ED without losing my shit.

This thread is gonna give me a 1.5 year long comedown.

Also you don't need to go seek any professional medical help post MDMA use. You need to realize that you just took a drug, that had notable post use side effects, and deal with those like the rest of the MDMA using community.

Dude, you have no concept on how MDMA works. You always be little other peoples problems, and act as if they are making up the experience. There are light users who go through the same thing.

<snip> There aren't many drugs out there that change your brain chemistry as fast as MDMA can. One day you can be fine, the next day after a heavy roll you can set your self up for months of hell.

 

[Dawglaw]

BOTTOM LINE: YOU CAN GET BETTER AND YOU WILL. BUT PLEASE GET OFF THIS MESSAGE BOARD AND SEE A PROFESSIONAL.

No truer words can be said.

 

[Folley]

I recommend you take a look at this thread OP, it's the same (VERY important!!) message

You had a 1.5 year long comedown?

I had an 8 month comedown... did I make that up too?? I'm agreeing with others' at this point, you need to understand that MDMA can cause lasting side effects in some users. There is no denying this. Belittling others is not helping anyone, and IMO it is extremely rude for you to come into these threads and make comments like that.

 

[Dawglaw]

I've about lost it with these ridiculous messiah-ish threads.

This is why the cuddle puddle is about the safest place to post in ED without losing my shit.

I am not sure if you are trolling or just stupid. Either way, if you don't have anything beneficial to contribute you should keep your mouth shut.

 

[WhatIsWrongWithMe]

Wow. Just wow. What an incredible story.

I'm going to see a doctor in 2 weeks and this post has gave me a lot of hope in that I'm doing the right thing. I'm realizing now that I have incredible anxiety that was triggered by mdma. It's been almost 6 months now. I've always been a little anxious but now it's to the point that it feels constant. My thoughts are out of control and I can't stop them even if I tell my self "calm down, don't worry, you're fine, don't worry, don't worry". I can't even eat food and poop normally anymore, my body doesn't relax. I keep worrying that I have stomach cancer or some shit it's so ridiculous!!

I am making a fucking vow. After my doctors appointment, I am NOT going on bluelight, NOT googling medication or symptoms, and I will NOT give up hope. I will live with this anxiety for my whole fucking life if I have to. After two weeks you guys will not see me anymore, I promise. Unless I get better suddenly lol. I want to thank everyone who has given me hope and comforted me with their knowledge, makes me want to cry it's so beautiful.

Shit, son.


Before I go smash my face into the ground, some questions for the OP...

First, did you lose any weight during your comedown? Or have any digestive problems?

Second, should I be worried about the longterm effects of medications like Bupropion, Lithium, and Viibryd?


EDIT: oh shit, the op said he's not coming back... well, if anyone wants to send me a message about my second question, I would be eternally greatful

 

[username13]

Glad to read the OP got some help rather than doing what was planned. I too hope someone else reads the post and decides to get help. Suicide sucks! You may not be suffeing your problems anymore but they get transferred one way or another to loved ones. Peace!

P.S. Very true about depression and cognitive abilities.

 

[locknlock]

Fark... 1.5 years ?? Man my worst comedown was like 2 weeks and it feel really really shitty. Can't imagine what it would be like living with it for even a month! Good thing you changed your game plan and went to see a doctor. Its the best thing you did IMO. Hope you would continue your recovery and taper down completely soon

 

[futura2012]

merged

You had a 1.5 year long comedown? I've about lost it with these ridiculous messiah-ish threads.

This is why the cuddle puddle is about the safest place to post in ED without losing my shit.

This has to be a shining example of narrow minded ignorance at its finest.

Why you even want to post a comment like this in a Success Story Thread I truly have no idea.?

I can only assume you live in a world where only YOU matter and you couldnt give a fuck about anyone else.

The only point I do agree with in this mindless statement you have made is your suggestion of Cuddle Puddle being the only safe place. YES I suggest you go to cuddle puddle and then you can post mindless one liners to your hearts content then for others safety and sanity I suggest you stay there.


Catinthehat4 your unlikely to read this but I must say a big THANKYOU for posting this. This is clearly written by someone who has suffered and although your opinions on doctors etc are a little different it certainly fuels some meaningful and positive discussion.

This incident triggered a depression that was nothing less than hellacious. It's not worth getting into all the details but to make a long story short I felt like I was losing my mind, I couldn't sleep, anxiety attacks, loss of joy, loss of cognitive function, and every day was a nightmare. Again, I'm not exaggerating.

Been there done it got the T Shirt. As soon as I read this I realised I was listening to someone who had been through it im all ears..

Throughout this 1.5 years I didnt really see a (good) doctor. THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE.

I think this is one of the main issues of many conversations. When you say good doctor I assume you mean a good doctor in regards to someone who can actually relate to MDMA/Drug problems and diagnose effectively. Alas from my experiences this is a very rare comodity particularly where I am from. The first doctor I went to see had to look up what MDMA was on Google not a good start to my journey.

I was convinced antidepressants couldnt help because I thought I'd totally destroyed my serotonin axons/downregulated them to the point of no return. I was convinced I needed electroshock therapy as my only hope.

I think with Antidepressants its an unknown quantity. They dont work for everyone and for some people if they can survive six months or so without them then all the better. Clearly if things are very accute or very bad then their use becomes more essential. Antidepressants can cause some nasty side effects such as sexual dysfunction, memory loss etc so they are definitely not something to be taken lightley.

Serotonin Axon destruction is an interesting discussion. Do I beleive some axon destruction from MDMA abuse and use occurs yes I do. Does serotonin axon destruction cause an AD to become ineffective? not necessarily but I do think MDMA damage causes certain ADs to be less effective than others.

ECT is a possible therapy to consider but comes with definite risks. Its pretty barbaric in the way its carried out. Effectively you have a lab technician that will apply certain waveforms and certain amplitudes of waves into electrodes attached to your head. The positioning of the electrodes is also a variable.

Who controls these variables? Ie what waveform, what amplitude, where the electrodes go? By all accounts it seems to be the beaver technician. I guess it will depend on his mood as to what he decides to do. Remember what decision he makes could be the difference between you having or not having a short term memory to rely on for the rest of your life. The main issue with ECT from where I see it is the unpredictability. That said it can also work wonders.

Well, I ended up in a psych ward. I had poison in my closet and a suicide note written. I was going to kill myself. I was not going to make an attempt. I was going to do it. I was very scared. Well, before doing so, I said fuck it, and I told a psychologist I was suicidal and needed to be placed in a hospital. What had I to lose?

This is exactly what happened to me for exactly the same reason. Although I didnt dislike it in hospital it was also a stark reminder of how one minute im in a rave massaging a girls neck thinking I was on top of the world then two months later I find myself in a psych ward next to people having conversations with themselves.

IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING DEPRESSION OF ANY KIND, RESULTING FROM MDMA OR OTHERWISE, YOU ARE EXPERIENCING AN ILLNESS. YOU NEED TO GO TO A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL. YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WHY TO SEE ONE OF THE BEST PSYCHIATRISTS IN YOUR CITY. THIS WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID.

I think thats all well and good but not everyone can spare this luxury of only seeing the best.

If you cant see the best then you are stuck with the average and this is when the theory of go and seek professional help falls on its face somewhat. Coctails of meds are fine prescribed by serious professionals but some of the doctors I have consulted with I have not been convinced by their abilities. I have also seen and met people who I would consider casualties of meds. 9/10 doctors pretty much prescribe meds thats all they do and its not always right for everyone.

Long story short: we came up with a gameplan. He put me on 900mg lithium, 750 mg buproprian and 40 mg Viibryd. This might sound intense to some, but like, I was going to kill myself. Taking some meds was a very, very, very small price to pay. And guess what? Over the past year to year and half I've tapered down. I'm not only on 250mg Buproprian and 40mg Viibryd. I'm confident I'll be able to taper off completely.

Definitely an interesting choice of meds. Buproprian looking at its chemical shape looks awfully close to amphetamine for my liking but it has clearly worked for you. The Viibryd looks very interesting it has a mega complex skeleton and seems pretty new. Lithium is also an interesting choice they refused to give that to me in the hospital claiming it was an old treatment and anti psychotics were more effective.

How did you feel while under the influence of this lot? I can only assume pretty spaced out. But it clearly worked for you so all well and good.

I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE NOW AND I'M DOING SO, SO WELL. It sounds cheesy, but the experience made me so much better. I'm so much happier now and well-balanced. Also, my cognitive function is better than ever. Depression itself hinders cognitive function and that's what was happening. I didn't fuck up my brain from one heavy use of MDMA--I simply triggered depression.

Hearing your happiness now is definitely an inspiration and I am glad you are better.

Im not sure however that I would agree that single 500mG dose of MDMA didnt do some kind of damage. How you define damage is debatable but depression doesnt come from nowhere. Sure figuring out which symptom comes from which thing ie anxiety, depression, chemical imbalance is very tricky but I think we would be naive to assume no damage is done but just triggers of anxiety and depression are made.

My beleif is its a combination of both chemical imbalance and also spin off symptoms from anxiety and depression.

Also: Big pharm isn't the best thing in the world but it's also not the worst. Be reasonable. The meds it provides help people if you have a good game plan about it. Theres nothing wrong with being on medication.

I definitely agree with you about having a gameplan. The meds are just a part of your recovery programme and combined with other things can be of great benefit.

However, that said I would also say to people be cautious meds are not the bee all and end all. Some of the meds I have been on I would describe as true poison. Effexor springs to mind. You only have to do a quick search on youtube for effexor withdrawel and you will see the horrors this medication can cause to people.

I am also very cautious about how doctors hand out benzodiazapines often with prescriptions lasting for months when in true reality they should never be taken for more than three weeks continuous.

Pharma isnt a total ogre but you have to be aware of the mega billion dollars behind these pills and potions. You can get corrupt doctors and this is something people should be aware of.

Overall it is a very positive post you have made. Slight shame that you wont respond and come back to this thread as I am sure many people will have questions for you.

If you do happen to come back to this thread as I suspect curiosity may get the better of you then I urge you to respond as a Recovery Story is something a lot of sufferers like to here.

What ever you choose THANK YOU again for taking your time to post this and bar one idiot you seem to have rekindled the old spirit of BL where sufferer or non sufferer we are all in this together.

First, did you lose any weight during your comedown? Or have any digestive problems?

Second, should I be worried about the longterm effects of medications like Bupropion, Lithium, and Viibryd?

No didnt lose weight on either first comedown or second. On second comedown I actually put on weight due to just lieing in bed all day and night. Because of this inactivity I only need to eat one meal per day.

Digestive problems yes for both comedown one and comedown two. The digestive problems in both cases were there for the first few months then resided.

In response to question two I think you have to be cautious of any med you are about to embark on. Of all those meds mentioned the one I would be focussing most attention on would be Bupropion as its got an amphetamine like structure. I mean if had a methylenedioxy ring you would effectively have MDMA :D

Lithium is also one to be cautious of as you effectively have to bring yourself close to poisoning for it to become effective. It is very important when initially embarking on lithium to get regular blood checks so they can monitor the lithium levels in your body. The crazy thing about this med is it is literally just an element in the periodic table. You are literally eating metal for your medication. Its a mood stabalizer and has been used for years. Many people I met whilst in hospital were on it and spoke highly positively about it.

Its certainly a very interesting coctail of medication the OP has posted. Also it has clearly been prescribed by someone who knows what they are doing which is rare.

I mean I am suicidal a lot of the time and I might consider ordering some of this stuff and maybe trying a trial run myself. I already have the lithium I just need the Bupropion and Viibryd. I have a few places to try as there is no way my psychiatrist would give me this stuff.

Its just the amphetamine bit that bothers me. Thats why it would be so great to hear back from the OP as I would be very interested to know how this drug makes you feel.

 

[catinthehat4]

I don't think it's fair for me not to at least follow up since this has received so much interest. Thank you for the kind comments. I know everyone has different beliefs about medication and mental illness, so all I can do is share my story. To answer some specific questions:

1) I can pretty much guarantee I experienced anything/everything other sufferers are experiencing. Stomach problems? Yes. Loss of appetite? Of course. Hell, I had constant ringing in my ears for 2 months straight (tinnitus, related to serotonin malfunction). I know that sounds crazy but it's true. Depression messes with your brain and the brain is the command center so I think it can have a lot of strange effects. So no, your symptoms are not unique.

2) I'm not going to PM anyone. I'm sorry and I hope I don't appear callous. I remember how badly I wanted to get in touch with someone so I can relate to the desire. However, there's really nothing more I can offer. What I can say is aside from the therapeutic value of commiserating with people on bluelight, nobody on bluelight really helped me get better. The doctor did. Period.

3) I didn't feel spaced out at all on the meds. I attend one of the country's best public universities and I maintained a 3.8. Again, I totally understand people's hesitancy to get on meds. It's definitely ideal to not put anything foreign in your body. But what have you to lose if you're thinking about suicide? Also, there's a stark irony in the way antidepressants are bashed on this site, and yet, this is often coming from people who take street drugs. Just saying (not trying to offend anyone).

4) Exercise and diet are fantastic! Very important. But to be honest, I was so fucking depressed I had no chance of maintaining either. Now that I'm happy again, I do both. However, if you're suicidal, I think it takes more than veggies and running. I really do.

5) The jury is still out on MDMA "brain damage." I think the body is remarkably resilient. I've experienced no decrease in cognitive function and I'm happy again. That's all I really know. I also think if MDMA, even nasty cut shit, caused brain damage, there'd be way more of an epidemic. Although there are always a few people on bluelight suffering as the result of MDMA, there are 100,000's of people taking this drug every day. If MDMA or MDMA with adulterants was so damaging, I just think the problem would be much bigger. Although no one can prove it for sure, I think what's more likely is an acute MDMA experience can trigger a depression if you have a predisposition to it (in the same way the loss of a loved one can, etc.)

This brings me to my next point:

6) Mental illness runs in my family. My 10 year old sister was hospitalized because of anorexia and anxiety. I would appreciate if no posters made light of this. She's not a prissy girly-girl who just wanted to be skinny. She was suffering from some serious issues. She's 1,000 times better now. She's received help like myself. In addition, my mom's experienced depression as have other people on her side of the family. My great grandmother was an agorophobic, which is pretty fucking weird. Of course, I'm sure every family has someone who has experienced mental illness. However, there does seem to be a high incidence in my family. I think this information helps me to understand why I suffered when my friends have taken A LOT more MDMA than me without any ill effects. Furthermore, I was 20 when this happened. Mental illness generally arises between ages of 18-25. That's why colleges make such a big deal about providing mental health accommodations. What's more, I had seen a therapist a few times before I took the MDMA. I was having mood swings and thought I might be bipolar (I'm not in a clinical sense, but I do maintain I was pretty fucking mercurial). At any rate, there was some indication I had more sensitive brain chemistry. The MDMA just might've tossed me over the edge. Looking back, I also experienced mild-moderate depression in high school as the result of really bad acne and difficulties with my father. I'm only bringing this up because maybe if you look at your life you'll see this didn't totally come out of nowhere. That might take some of the guilt away for you. I felt so incredibly guilty because I felt like a spoiled kid who threw his life away for a high...but I think I was predisposed to it so it wasn't all my fault.

7) I don't mean to sound pushy or insensitive when I say "go to the best doctor." I know everybody doesn't always have that option and it's so terrible. But I do think if your life is at stake you should do everything in your power to get to the best person possible. Even if you pay out of pocket and go once a month or whatever that will help. It's so helpful to talk to someone who has seen a lot of shit and has confidence in your ability to recover. It's a fucking crime mental health isnt treated properly in America, and I'm sorry but I guess my advice is do whatever you can to see the best person because the doctor makes a really big difference.

I'll check in on this thread occasionally. I really wish all of you the best. Be proud of yourself for fighting so hard. It's a battle so tough in ways people can't fathom unless you've been there. But please hang in there. If you're suicidal someone will see you. Someone will help you. But the first step is getting to someone. You've got nothing to lose. For the record, I went to a few therapists/psychologists until I finally found the right psychiatrist so you might have to see a few people.

I've been through what you're going through. I know it sucks in ways words can't describe. But I got better. You can too. And in fact, once you recover, life will be better than ever. As I said, I'm so much wiser, cool, calm and collected than I ever was. Nothing bugs me anymore. I don't stress out about the things my peers do. I have an understanding of death because I've really stared at in the eye and I have a greater appreciation for life than anybody I know because I almost lost it.

Best,
Cat.

 

[pmz]

5) The jury is still out on MDMA "brain damage." I think the body is remarkably resilient. I've experienced no decrease in cognitive function and I'm happy again. That's all I really know. I also think if MDMA, even nasty cut shit, caused brain damage, there'd be way more of an epidemic. Although there are always a few people on bluelight suffering as the result of MDMA, there are 100,000's of people taking this drug every day. If MDMA or MDMA with adulterants was so damaging, I just think the problem would be much bigger. Although no one can prove it for sure, I think what's more likely is an acute MDMA experience can trigger a depression if you have a predisposition to it (in the same way the loss of a loved one can, etc.)

Thanks for still following up...


Im assuming you mean how you feel post recovery? During, you still felt like you were firing on all pistons?

 

[Dawglaw]

Inspiring story man. Thanks for coming back.

 

[futura2012]

Thanks for coming back cat.

That follow up post follows a very logical and balanced argument. Very impressive.

You have provided inspiration and definite food for thought.

Nice one

 

[catinthehat4]

So I think what I'll actually do is hover for the next few days, trying to clear up any unanswered questions. I just don't want to leave anyone hanging. I felt bad for not coming back sooner, but honestly just being on this site triggers some really bad memories/feelings for me. But I'm basically past that now.

PMZ: Regarding firing on all pistons: When I was going through my depression, I felt much slower than I ever did. I still made pretty good grades (although they did slip), but for the first time in my life I really doubted my intelligence.

For one, depression causes brain fog. Your brain is sort of shutting itself down, so you are slower. However, when the happiness returned so too did the pistons. Another thing is that when you think you have brain damage, you tend to overanalyze all your cognitive maneuvers. For instance, my whole life I've been bad with names. But when I was in my depression, all the sudden I thought I was really stupid for forgetting names and attributed it to my "brain damage." In addition, I think the most important part of any intellect, way more so than IQ, is curiosity and motivation. When you're depressed, you don't have either of these things. I actually think this is the biggest factor in perceived cognitive decline.

But I 100% felt like I lost my cognitive mojo to some extent when I was depressed. I felt like I would never be the intellectual being I once was.

Luckily I was wrong.