Okay so ive been taking mdma for about 6 months now, trying to keep my time in between doses above a month (not usually very successfully). Always small doses, no more than 125mg and sometimes as low as 60mg, I often have 2 minute panic attacks at the peak but nothing ive ever considered worrying about.
One day in may I had a much larger dose of 250mg over the night and felt very strange for a week or so.. zoomed out and hard to concentrate on things which I know is common.
A month after this subsided I took a 60mg dose and felt very anxious the whole time I was rolling! Like a prolonged mild panic attack where I felt tired and wanted to sit down and I couldn’t stop thinking. This had something to do with my girlfriend being the only person sober and I felt guilty along with me worrying about abusing my brain again after I felt zoomed out last time.
After this I never quite came back to feeling alright, the anxious buzz in my stomach and chest never really left and although I definitely came down from the mdma’s euphoria I was left with thoughts that ran away and I seemed to always be thinking about mdma all of the time and what its done to me.
At this point I got worried about my head at which point I came on here and posted a thread describing all my doses and their dates and I was told I was taking rather more often than I thought but nice small doses. I was told I had damaged my serotonin levels and I should take a break for atleast 3 months.
I now have reason to believe that this anxiety and depression is not necessarily my serotonin levels at all, and its actually all psychological, and maybe this could be true for other people too...
2 and a half months later I have just been to a festival, I had bought some mdma a month before but my plan was not to take it and just give it to friends, almost as a test of my self control. One thing led to another and on the first night I decided I would take it on the second night. When I woke in the morning before the night I planned to take it I felt very weird all day, almost exactly the same as I did when I posted on here 2 and a half months ago, very worried, anxious, and buzzy inside my stomach and chest. My mind raced about mdma the whole time and I felt depressed.
All of the time and work put into getting back to normal had been ruined and I hadn’t even dosed yet! It was all in my head. I decided to dose anyway as I had spent all day depressed for nothing otherwise.. I dosed 125mg and I came up like nothing else!! I had a great time for the first half an hour as usual but then I began to think about things, obviously I had a lot on my mind after a whole day of worrying.. I was watching bands on stage but just thinking about my life and where it was going, questioning what I enjoyed when I was sober, it was very frustrating and I was trying so hard to let go but I couldn’t. I knew my girlfriend was disappointed in me because I had broken my own rules about when I was going to take it and then it hit me.. after another 3 hours of worrying, feeling euphoric but terrible at the same time and generally having a shitty anxiety filled roll that it was all in my head. I was guilty and thats all the depression has ever been, guilt and worry about my damaging my mental health, which probably routes down to my mum being schizophrenic and permanently on medication.
I decided to give myself a top up (which I NEVER normally do aside from my heavy night) of 60mg and half an hour after I did so, and as I was thinking about how happy I was with my epiphany, I slowly got back into my old mdma self and managed to have a great time and unwind and forget.
The next day I felt very drained as usual but no comedown whatsoever, no depression or anxious feeling. The next 2 nights I just drank a little and had a great time, I felt very on the ball like I used to back when I just started taking mdma. This also pushes my psychological theory as my serotonin should have been very low that day.
The third night I decided to finish off my bag with a friend and took another 125mg, I was in a great mindset and although he didn’t feel much (first time, but had taken mkat the night before and was slightly drunk) I was having an amazingly relaxed time just like the old days, I felt alert and active and like I wanted to dance and I really felt the music, I wondered around and had a few chats with people till I realised I had lost my friend.. I began to worry as it was his first time and thoughts started running again and I immediately felt like I wanted to sit down, I felt so tired.. I sat down to listen to a band and all I did was think.. think.. think.. and all I wanted was for him to come back so I knew he was alright, I found him about 20 mins later and then I felt okay again for 5 minutes.
Then I had another epiphany but this one was much worse.. I finally secured that it was all in my head concluding all of the evidence I have and I thought that if I finish my roll in a good mindset it almost sets my thought patterns up for the future weeks of sober thinking, if I finish in a bad mindset it will retrigger my depressive thought patterns. I felt tired again and for the rest of the night I was so down, and i was trying soo hard to get back into a good mindset but i just couldnt! today I am still feeling down, with the anxious buzz in my stomach.
It seems like as soon as people worry about mdma harming them it begins to harm them, and its not chemical its psychological.
Its like messing with serotonin levels messes with your ability to control your thoughts, not just at the time either; its like it can change your immediate thought patterns and associations for the future weeks. For example if you aren’t a worrying or analyzing person mdma will never harm you because it wont push you into a bad mindset.
I now feel stuck in this bad mindset just like I had been for the past 2 months, I had spent 2 months working to fix my mindset and then I ruined it by breaking my own rules and feeling guilty even before dosing! its like mdma can help you out of these thoughts if you manage to not fall into a bad mindset during your roll.
Right now I feel like I’ll never do mdma again, but I do want to have my old experiences again, I feel trapped into “worrying about worrying” next time I dose and getting stuck in my thoughts again.
Whats worse is my girlfriend wants to try mdma late September with me at a house party thats been organised, and I don’t feel like I will have a good time if I do, she’ll be so gutted because I wasn’t even meant to roll at this festival
Can anybody help me escape my thoughts? Or am I just doomed to wait a year or so before I can ever try again
One day in may I had a much larger dose of 250mg over the night and felt very strange for a week or so.. zoomed out and hard to concentrate on things which I know is common.
A month after this subsided I took a 60mg dose and felt very anxious the whole time I was rolling! Like a prolonged mild panic attack where I felt tired and wanted to sit down and I couldn’t stop thinking. This had something to do with my girlfriend being the only person sober and I felt guilty along with me worrying about abusing my brain again after I felt zoomed out last time.
After this I never quite came back to feeling alright, the anxious buzz in my stomach and chest never really left and although I definitely came down from the mdma’s euphoria I was left with thoughts that ran away and I seemed to always be thinking about mdma all of the time and what its done to me.
At this point I got worried about my head at which point I came on here and posted a thread describing all my doses and their dates and I was told I was taking rather more often than I thought but nice small doses. I was told I had damaged my serotonin levels and I should take a break for atleast 3 months.
I now have reason to believe that this anxiety and depression is not necessarily my serotonin levels at all, and its actually all psychological, and maybe this could be true for other people too...
2 and a half months later I have just been to a festival, I had bought some mdma a month before but my plan was not to take it and just give it to friends, almost as a test of my self control. One thing led to another and on the first night I decided I would take it on the second night. When I woke in the morning before the night I planned to take it I felt very weird all day, almost exactly the same as I did when I posted on here 2 and a half months ago, very worried, anxious, and buzzy inside my stomach and chest. My mind raced about mdma the whole time and I felt depressed.
All of the time and work put into getting back to normal had been ruined and I hadn’t even dosed yet! It was all in my head. I decided to dose anyway as I had spent all day depressed for nothing otherwise.. I dosed 125mg and I came up like nothing else!! I had a great time for the first half an hour as usual but then I began to think about things, obviously I had a lot on my mind after a whole day of worrying.. I was watching bands on stage but just thinking about my life and where it was going, questioning what I enjoyed when I was sober, it was very frustrating and I was trying so hard to let go but I couldn’t. I knew my girlfriend was disappointed in me because I had broken my own rules about when I was going to take it and then it hit me.. after another 3 hours of worrying, feeling euphoric but terrible at the same time and generally having a shitty anxiety filled roll that it was all in my head. I was guilty and thats all the depression has ever been, guilt and worry about my damaging my mental health, which probably routes down to my mum being schizophrenic and permanently on medication.
I decided to give myself a top up (which I NEVER normally do aside from my heavy night) of 60mg and half an hour after I did so, and as I was thinking about how happy I was with my epiphany, I slowly got back into my old mdma self and managed to have a great time and unwind and forget.
The next day I felt very drained as usual but no comedown whatsoever, no depression or anxious feeling. The next 2 nights I just drank a little and had a great time, I felt very on the ball like I used to back when I just started taking mdma. This also pushes my psychological theory as my serotonin should have been very low that day.
The third night I decided to finish off my bag with a friend and took another 125mg, I was in a great mindset and although he didn’t feel much (first time, but had taken mkat the night before and was slightly drunk) I was having an amazingly relaxed time just like the old days, I felt alert and active and like I wanted to dance and I really felt the music, I wondered around and had a few chats with people till I realised I had lost my friend.. I began to worry as it was his first time and thoughts started running again and I immediately felt like I wanted to sit down, I felt so tired.. I sat down to listen to a band and all I did was think.. think.. think.. and all I wanted was for him to come back so I knew he was alright, I found him about 20 mins later and then I felt okay again for 5 minutes.
Then I had another epiphany but this one was much worse.. I finally secured that it was all in my head concluding all of the evidence I have and I thought that if I finish my roll in a good mindset it almost sets my thought patterns up for the future weeks of sober thinking, if I finish in a bad mindset it will retrigger my depressive thought patterns. I felt tired again and for the rest of the night I was so down, and i was trying soo hard to get back into a good mindset but i just couldnt! today I am still feeling down, with the anxious buzz in my stomach.
It seems like as soon as people worry about mdma harming them it begins to harm them, and its not chemical its psychological.
Its like messing with serotonin levels messes with your ability to control your thoughts, not just at the time either; its like it can change your immediate thought patterns and associations for the future weeks. For example if you aren’t a worrying or analyzing person mdma will never harm you because it wont push you into a bad mindset.
I now feel stuck in this bad mindset just like I had been for the past 2 months, I had spent 2 months working to fix my mindset and then I ruined it by breaking my own rules and feeling guilty even before dosing! its like mdma can help you out of these thoughts if you manage to not fall into a bad mindset during your roll.
Right now I feel like I’ll never do mdma again, but I do want to have my old experiences again, I feel trapped into “worrying about worrying” next time I dose and getting stuck in my thoughts again.
Whats worse is my girlfriend wants to try mdma late September with me at a house party thats been organised, and I don’t feel like I will have a good time if I do, she’ll be so gutted because I wasn’t even meant to roll at this festival
Can anybody help me escape my thoughts? Or am I just doomed to wait a year or so before I can ever try again
