MDMA +sensi buds+hatha meditation-- experienced -- I am NOT alone
6:40 t:00- Ate the pill, chewed it up and let it dissolve under my tounge (bittersweet to say the least).... the pill was an orange smiley, known to be a heafty dosage of mdma (it's odd, the "heroin based" (just cant convince some people) pills i get off my guy seem to be the non-meth pills...interesting tidbit.
t+1- definetly hitting me.....I decided to do this roll alone, with hopes of getting a grip with the things going on in my life.....my parents divorce still effects me more deeply than i can imagine,along with my negative self image (which I constantly try to change, but being fat kind of has that problem)....and there have been major problems in my love life....ya see, the two girls i have eve loved i still do, its just like that, evcen after they have done horrible things....one is my proffesed life mate who always talks about how much she ares about me, but she has another boyfriend right now, and she loves him...and the girl i was seeing (amazing, but i couldnt see anything besides a lifelong friendship punctuated with mystical oneness, thats the kind of love i feel for her) all the sudden doesnt understand what i'm trying to tell her and thinks i just want a girlfriend, which isnt the case, just a partner, someone to talk to and love and be loved by.....all these things have come to a boiling point and i feel its time to disect these things (i've been seeing a psychologist, which hasnt helped much because he says i wont face my emotions, even when i am trying to voice them to him) so tonight is meant to be a period of intense thought.....
time now t+1:05, effects definitly increasing....gonna go for a smoke and lay down for a while, let it manifest as i do some practice hatha yoga breathing exercises......listening to a live LTJ Bukem set with MC Conrad...for those uninitiated, atmospheric drum and bass......get some now if you dont already have it, esoteric meets drum and bass....ahhhhhh......"reach out and touch the vibe"....God I love mdma, it lets me examine all my (positive, and most importantly, negative) emotions from a third person perspective while still experiencing them......
i dont seem to want to quit writing, which is expected, writing is my most impressive talent.. ...ahh, I havent written personally in a while, I forget the way it seems as though what you need to say comes out before you even consciously think it....however, i dont seem to be able to directly express emotions of my own the same way i seem to with others....i write fiction with extreme eloquence, even beatnickness, but i cant seem to access my own emotions in the same way....perhaps now is the time to try....to the hatha yoga, finally
t+1:50- there for a while, the effects seemed to diminish significantly....hatha was great, but afterwords, i felt almost chemically (yoga not included, always interesting) unaltered...I attribute this to dissolving the pill in my mouth before swallowing it, as these pills have been known to take a while to hit, kind of a one two punch thing....irrelavent now i suppose, i smoked a bowl of some decent ganja as i began to feel it again and i'm up and at'em now....have been contemplating the meaning of existence, which could provide insight into aforementioned question marks in my life.....but i now feel that finding the meaning of existence is something to do once other questions within ones life are answered...I am relatively young, and more importantly than physical age, I feel there are many things to be done in my path of self-discovery....i guess to sum it up, to lose one's self, one must know that self, inside and out.....
t+2:02- ahh...hello, peak.....i am (was) sitting with closed eyes and just pondering over every aspect of my life that comes to mind.....and all the sudden i feel a warm rush move through my whole body starting at the legs and ending with a headrush (sitting down, eh) of gotta close your eyes proportions.....every time i roll, i come to the conclusion that all emotions are non-essential and therefore arent needed....no matter how bad circumstances are, as long as you are alive, there should be no negatives, easier said than done but saying it does help doing it.....this goes for positive emotions as well(speaking of love mainly), simply manifestations of the one-ness that is within everyone, and therefore there is no need to not use pay attention to those emotions....but the emotions that come with the loss of a love (or the non-recognition of oneness) are wholly negative and are as intensely bad as the intensely good feelings of love and therefore are hard to ignore, as love is..... but one must accept and move on, i suppose, to seek out the positive and never dwell on the negative.....
the above conclusion, however, is new, entirely a product of my thought pattern as i typed this.....perhaps with such recognitions, i can learn to apply.....thats always been the problem, integrating thoughts during times of self-discovery (not only speaking of chemical states, but i also seem to have trouble integrating meditative thought, though perhaps not as much) i always eventually seem to negate my own thoughts, or dont think of them at times.....not to say there hasnt been improvement, but it seems to be slower than it could be...
time now t+2:15...perhaps some restful contemplation followed by a discussion with a best freind who struggles much the same as i.....i just have trouble connecting to him sometimes, i feel like i cant talk about my own thoughts....but as i'm learning, these thoughts arent totally uncommon to my friends (they all love psychedelics, but i fear they see them as the way to enlightenment....undoubtably a useful agent along the way, but not instant satori they take the drugs to provide)...followed by you guessed it, more writing...i expect to sleep decently tonight, i have had trouble falling asleep on these pills before, but those were caused by taking an SSRI, which inhibits seratonin uptake all the time and inhibits dopamine being metabolized by an mao when you take them after a roll (look it up if ya havent heard...i am a big fan!, but it does seem to prolong stimulating effects as well as empathetic)...others who didnt blinked right out.....so i guess we'll see, cause I dont have any SSRI's...damn, time to smoke a bowl and quit typing for a while.......i once saw an anti-drug ad entitled the agony of ecstacy....which means something wholly different to me...the agony of ecstacy is, it only lasts a few hours... too much to accomplish in too little time....
current music (always vital) - a live set of all the evol intent boys...anyone heard of them? theyre a record label based in atlanta, just a few extremely talented men working together....if you're a fan of drum and bass of the hard and dark kind with one helluva groove to it, i recommend highly-consists of the enemy, knick, and gigantor (a few others have recently been added, but these are the main players of evol intent.... check it out! www.evolintent.com
t+2:50- havent called B yet, but will soon.....I have to add something..... I loaded a bowl of some very decent (keeps tastin better and better, dont ya love it) bud and layed down, popped in a live Phish set, and smoked a bowl....all the sudden, I feel as though I've reached another peak....ahhh...cant tell whats causing it...these pills are hella hard pressed so i dont doubt some is still dissolving, but i could also contribute it to the weed...but i'd like to think my mental state is effecting my high as much as anything, i feel rushes of undescribable sensation at each new though....the night is going smoothly (9:35, shooting for a midnight-1am set down)
+3:10- wow, time dilation seems to be occuring....i've spent the last while in bliss....ya see, for some reason, earlier,i needed double a batteries but after they were procured, i forgot why....well, i was layin in bed when out of the corner of my eye catches this massage pillow i got for christmas a couple years ago...so, i brought it to working order and layed back with my head on the pillow...wow, all i can say.....i tried to call b, but his phone seems to be malfunctioning....I dont really want to conversate that badly anyway, I kind of am on a personal thought train.... i've been thinking about the nature of enlightenment through many routes, emphasis on the psychedelic experience....although these thoughts are not something i would come to in my every day state (or even in contemplative meditation in this magnitude), but that in no way nullifies them...it simply makes them a much harder thing to apply, at least to those who arent used to such intense thought (during meditation, insights seem to be a hidden treasure of which i cannot yet reach) but now, i feel as though those thoughts are readily attainable and are as valid, if not quite as valued (the seeker of enlightenment knows the path is long, but the wisdom is ultimate and thus highly valued, whereas the taker of mind-manifesting chemicals is projected into them intensely....
still just phishin...still feel great, I am content....t+3:20
t+3:50- just chillin, listening to the boards of canada (wonderful electronica) and reminiscing on good times past....ahh, so many great memories, even those that seem so trivial at the time hold great significance in my life....a person's consciousness is the product of every thing that has ever happened to them, and is equally comprised of their reactions to these things....when trying to understand why things have happened, you have to take into account all the people's consciousness and the way those things have effected them...it is in this way (and in a thousand others) that we are all one consciousness, a mesh of selfs all their unique part of a greater whole, the bounds of which our perception of reality will never let us comprehend, that we should never try to comprehend because to do so is to simplify the infinitely complex....it is the denial of the being one that brings forth most of my emotional troubles...yet it is the realization (which is more than writing something, its acknowledging something as truth within yourself, something i have trouble doing) of the truth to this that i am trying to attain, and i feel almost able to let go.....it seems my self-worth issues have been rather deep....for a while i guess i thought that i was wrong, that what i'm looking for doesnt exist, but its simply a matter of time (or rather, our linear perception of time)...and in the end, other parties involved or not, i must accept that i am an integral part of a whole, as beautiful and magnificent as those i love, and that is worth loving yourself as well as all others because in the end....we all lose these boundaries of existence, and whether or not past that existence may not even exist(who knows, maybe the pure biologists are right, consciousness = evolutionary step, kill the body, the head will die), and perhaps because of this, we must learn to make the most of our existence at this point in the fabric of the universe, for we will never be right here again....and yet, as sometimes do(we all do), I feel that i need a companion on this road i am taking...because there is nothing like the oneness of being in the same "moment" (for lack of a better word) with another, because it is in this moment, there is no today or tommorow, only the feeling of being one consciousness, infinitely aware of all things, totally entrenched in the here and now of this place and time, and boy, isnt the view great.... but all of this is not to say that being one with your self isnt infinitely more or maybe as important as being connected with another...for within the self, the answers lie in wait for a curious mind to come stumbling by them, at which point even the bacteria (if they were to have a consciousness, dont know for sure, never asked one) must be astounded, as i'm sure it is, as to the beauty of even the simplest of the wonders not readily seen in the bounds of our vehicle of perception.....
t+4:10- i feel the need to lay down and intake my thoughts at this point....the effects of the chemical have definitly diminshed, but no matter....on with the thought train....
t+4:37-after reading over and contemplating what i've written and more importantly the thoughts that inspire what i've written, i feel as though i've answered one of my largest questions.....i could not be happier right now,or perhaps couldnt be more content....as of now, i feel as though i have perhaps a grasp on the dance of consciousness....everything is equal, yin=yang even with their differences, all facets of the ultimate consciouness, all people, are indescribably connected no matter what...even those with hatred in their hearts are merely a counterbalance to those with none, everything must happen, everything must exist, to upkeep the equilibrium of the universe in all dimensions, and the self must realize this....ultimately, I am not alone, and neither is anyone.... ahhh....what is this? I have answered a question that is one of the most important of life's ultimate questions, albeit with a catalyst, but i feel these thoughts are genuine, whether or not my mind would have come to these conclusions without a catalyst on this night is irrelavent, as these are my thoughts alone, a stream of my consciouness as it travels through the void of the universe as it really is, and these thoughts will always remain to be my thoughts, un-influenced at the time of conception, a progression of answering ones own questions with ones own answers....my work tonight resembles the work i have wanted to achieve through meditative selfexploration, but the efforts have been forgone....it is for this reason i must constantly remind myself of my thoughts tonight, or they will diminish in value if not held in highest regard and eventually become forgotten....but now I realize what I have always done,and that is, come down. The catalyst of drugs has the horrible reality that these experiences end, whether or not the mind takes what is learned for granted is the users responsibility.... so I end this here manifest of my mind with a realization of ultimate importance to my perception of self and of the universe....words cant explain the feeling (we all know this feeling, problem is, its easy as hell to lose these feelings) of answering ones own self with the self as it progress (visualize it, perhaps)....and even further, who could describe the beauty of the answers that lie just beyond your normal stream of consciousness, in the far-reaches of ones own ultimate self, waiting to be uncovered by the weary traveler, whether or not the traveler sees these treasures as so is entirely of their own design. Happy travels, I'll see you in the end...
[edited title to comply with the forum guidelines -Splatt]
[ 19 January 2003: Message edited by: Splatt ]
6:40 t:00- Ate the pill, chewed it up and let it dissolve under my tounge (bittersweet to say the least).... the pill was an orange smiley, known to be a heafty dosage of mdma (it's odd, the "heroin based" (just cant convince some people) pills i get off my guy seem to be the non-meth pills...interesting tidbit.
t+1- definetly hitting me.....I decided to do this roll alone, with hopes of getting a grip with the things going on in my life.....my parents divorce still effects me more deeply than i can imagine,along with my negative self image (which I constantly try to change, but being fat kind of has that problem)....and there have been major problems in my love life....ya see, the two girls i have eve loved i still do, its just like that, evcen after they have done horrible things....one is my proffesed life mate who always talks about how much she ares about me, but she has another boyfriend right now, and she loves him...and the girl i was seeing (amazing, but i couldnt see anything besides a lifelong friendship punctuated with mystical oneness, thats the kind of love i feel for her) all the sudden doesnt understand what i'm trying to tell her and thinks i just want a girlfriend, which isnt the case, just a partner, someone to talk to and love and be loved by.....all these things have come to a boiling point and i feel its time to disect these things (i've been seeing a psychologist, which hasnt helped much because he says i wont face my emotions, even when i am trying to voice them to him) so tonight is meant to be a period of intense thought.....
time now t+1:05, effects definitly increasing....gonna go for a smoke and lay down for a while, let it manifest as i do some practice hatha yoga breathing exercises......listening to a live LTJ Bukem set with MC Conrad...for those uninitiated, atmospheric drum and bass......get some now if you dont already have it, esoteric meets drum and bass....ahhhhhh......"reach out and touch the vibe"....God I love mdma, it lets me examine all my (positive, and most importantly, negative) emotions from a third person perspective while still experiencing them......
i dont seem to want to quit writing, which is expected, writing is my most impressive talent.. ...ahh, I havent written personally in a while, I forget the way it seems as though what you need to say comes out before you even consciously think it....however, i dont seem to be able to directly express emotions of my own the same way i seem to with others....i write fiction with extreme eloquence, even beatnickness, but i cant seem to access my own emotions in the same way....perhaps now is the time to try....to the hatha yoga, finally
t+1:50- there for a while, the effects seemed to diminish significantly....hatha was great, but afterwords, i felt almost chemically (yoga not included, always interesting) unaltered...I attribute this to dissolving the pill in my mouth before swallowing it, as these pills have been known to take a while to hit, kind of a one two punch thing....irrelavent now i suppose, i smoked a bowl of some decent ganja as i began to feel it again and i'm up and at'em now....have been contemplating the meaning of existence, which could provide insight into aforementioned question marks in my life.....but i now feel that finding the meaning of existence is something to do once other questions within ones life are answered...I am relatively young, and more importantly than physical age, I feel there are many things to be done in my path of self-discovery....i guess to sum it up, to lose one's self, one must know that self, inside and out.....
t+2:02- ahh...hello, peak.....i am (was) sitting with closed eyes and just pondering over every aspect of my life that comes to mind.....and all the sudden i feel a warm rush move through my whole body starting at the legs and ending with a headrush (sitting down, eh) of gotta close your eyes proportions.....every time i roll, i come to the conclusion that all emotions are non-essential and therefore arent needed....no matter how bad circumstances are, as long as you are alive, there should be no negatives, easier said than done but saying it does help doing it.....this goes for positive emotions as well(speaking of love mainly), simply manifestations of the one-ness that is within everyone, and therefore there is no need to not use pay attention to those emotions....but the emotions that come with the loss of a love (or the non-recognition of oneness) are wholly negative and are as intensely bad as the intensely good feelings of love and therefore are hard to ignore, as love is..... but one must accept and move on, i suppose, to seek out the positive and never dwell on the negative.....
the above conclusion, however, is new, entirely a product of my thought pattern as i typed this.....perhaps with such recognitions, i can learn to apply.....thats always been the problem, integrating thoughts during times of self-discovery (not only speaking of chemical states, but i also seem to have trouble integrating meditative thought, though perhaps not as much) i always eventually seem to negate my own thoughts, or dont think of them at times.....not to say there hasnt been improvement, but it seems to be slower than it could be...
time now t+2:15...perhaps some restful contemplation followed by a discussion with a best freind who struggles much the same as i.....i just have trouble connecting to him sometimes, i feel like i cant talk about my own thoughts....but as i'm learning, these thoughts arent totally uncommon to my friends (they all love psychedelics, but i fear they see them as the way to enlightenment....undoubtably a useful agent along the way, but not instant satori they take the drugs to provide)...followed by you guessed it, more writing...i expect to sleep decently tonight, i have had trouble falling asleep on these pills before, but those were caused by taking an SSRI, which inhibits seratonin uptake all the time and inhibits dopamine being metabolized by an mao when you take them after a roll (look it up if ya havent heard...i am a big fan!, but it does seem to prolong stimulating effects as well as empathetic)...others who didnt blinked right out.....so i guess we'll see, cause I dont have any SSRI's...damn, time to smoke a bowl and quit typing for a while.......i once saw an anti-drug ad entitled the agony of ecstacy....which means something wholly different to me...the agony of ecstacy is, it only lasts a few hours... too much to accomplish in too little time....
current music (always vital) - a live set of all the evol intent boys...anyone heard of them? theyre a record label based in atlanta, just a few extremely talented men working together....if you're a fan of drum and bass of the hard and dark kind with one helluva groove to it, i recommend highly-consists of the enemy, knick, and gigantor (a few others have recently been added, but these are the main players of evol intent.... check it out! www.evolintent.com
t+2:50- havent called B yet, but will soon.....I have to add something..... I loaded a bowl of some very decent (keeps tastin better and better, dont ya love it) bud and layed down, popped in a live Phish set, and smoked a bowl....all the sudden, I feel as though I've reached another peak....ahhh...cant tell whats causing it...these pills are hella hard pressed so i dont doubt some is still dissolving, but i could also contribute it to the weed...but i'd like to think my mental state is effecting my high as much as anything, i feel rushes of undescribable sensation at each new though....the night is going smoothly (9:35, shooting for a midnight-1am set down)
+3:10- wow, time dilation seems to be occuring....i've spent the last while in bliss....ya see, for some reason, earlier,i needed double a batteries but after they were procured, i forgot why....well, i was layin in bed when out of the corner of my eye catches this massage pillow i got for christmas a couple years ago...so, i brought it to working order and layed back with my head on the pillow...wow, all i can say.....i tried to call b, but his phone seems to be malfunctioning....I dont really want to conversate that badly anyway, I kind of am on a personal thought train.... i've been thinking about the nature of enlightenment through many routes, emphasis on the psychedelic experience....although these thoughts are not something i would come to in my every day state (or even in contemplative meditation in this magnitude), but that in no way nullifies them...it simply makes them a much harder thing to apply, at least to those who arent used to such intense thought (during meditation, insights seem to be a hidden treasure of which i cannot yet reach) but now, i feel as though those thoughts are readily attainable and are as valid, if not quite as valued (the seeker of enlightenment knows the path is long, but the wisdom is ultimate and thus highly valued, whereas the taker of mind-manifesting chemicals is projected into them intensely....
still just phishin...still feel great, I am content....t+3:20
t+3:50- just chillin, listening to the boards of canada (wonderful electronica) and reminiscing on good times past....ahh, so many great memories, even those that seem so trivial at the time hold great significance in my life....a person's consciousness is the product of every thing that has ever happened to them, and is equally comprised of their reactions to these things....when trying to understand why things have happened, you have to take into account all the people's consciousness and the way those things have effected them...it is in this way (and in a thousand others) that we are all one consciousness, a mesh of selfs all their unique part of a greater whole, the bounds of which our perception of reality will never let us comprehend, that we should never try to comprehend because to do so is to simplify the infinitely complex....it is the denial of the being one that brings forth most of my emotional troubles...yet it is the realization (which is more than writing something, its acknowledging something as truth within yourself, something i have trouble doing) of the truth to this that i am trying to attain, and i feel almost able to let go.....it seems my self-worth issues have been rather deep....for a while i guess i thought that i was wrong, that what i'm looking for doesnt exist, but its simply a matter of time (or rather, our linear perception of time)...and in the end, other parties involved or not, i must accept that i am an integral part of a whole, as beautiful and magnificent as those i love, and that is worth loving yourself as well as all others because in the end....we all lose these boundaries of existence, and whether or not past that existence may not even exist(who knows, maybe the pure biologists are right, consciousness = evolutionary step, kill the body, the head will die), and perhaps because of this, we must learn to make the most of our existence at this point in the fabric of the universe, for we will never be right here again....and yet, as sometimes do(we all do), I feel that i need a companion on this road i am taking...because there is nothing like the oneness of being in the same "moment" (for lack of a better word) with another, because it is in this moment, there is no today or tommorow, only the feeling of being one consciousness, infinitely aware of all things, totally entrenched in the here and now of this place and time, and boy, isnt the view great.... but all of this is not to say that being one with your self isnt infinitely more or maybe as important as being connected with another...for within the self, the answers lie in wait for a curious mind to come stumbling by them, at which point even the bacteria (if they were to have a consciousness, dont know for sure, never asked one) must be astounded, as i'm sure it is, as to the beauty of even the simplest of the wonders not readily seen in the bounds of our vehicle of perception.....
t+4:10- i feel the need to lay down and intake my thoughts at this point....the effects of the chemical have definitly diminshed, but no matter....on with the thought train....
t+4:37-after reading over and contemplating what i've written and more importantly the thoughts that inspire what i've written, i feel as though i've answered one of my largest questions.....i could not be happier right now,or perhaps couldnt be more content....as of now, i feel as though i have perhaps a grasp on the dance of consciousness....everything is equal, yin=yang even with their differences, all facets of the ultimate consciouness, all people, are indescribably connected no matter what...even those with hatred in their hearts are merely a counterbalance to those with none, everything must happen, everything must exist, to upkeep the equilibrium of the universe in all dimensions, and the self must realize this....ultimately, I am not alone, and neither is anyone.... ahhh....what is this? I have answered a question that is one of the most important of life's ultimate questions, albeit with a catalyst, but i feel these thoughts are genuine, whether or not my mind would have come to these conclusions without a catalyst on this night is irrelavent, as these are my thoughts alone, a stream of my consciouness as it travels through the void of the universe as it really is, and these thoughts will always remain to be my thoughts, un-influenced at the time of conception, a progression of answering ones own questions with ones own answers....my work tonight resembles the work i have wanted to achieve through meditative selfexploration, but the efforts have been forgone....it is for this reason i must constantly remind myself of my thoughts tonight, or they will diminish in value if not held in highest regard and eventually become forgotten....but now I realize what I have always done,and that is, come down. The catalyst of drugs has the horrible reality that these experiences end, whether or not the mind takes what is learned for granted is the users responsibility.... so I end this here manifest of my mind with a realization of ultimate importance to my perception of self and of the universe....words cant explain the feeling (we all know this feeling, problem is, its easy as hell to lose these feelings) of answering ones own self with the self as it progress (visualize it, perhaps)....and even further, who could describe the beauty of the answers that lie just beyond your normal stream of consciousness, in the far-reaches of ones own ultimate self, waiting to be uncovered by the weary traveler, whether or not the traveler sees these treasures as so is entirely of their own design. Happy travels, I'll see you in the end...
[edited title to comply with the forum guidelines -Splatt]
[ 19 January 2003: Message edited by: Splatt ]
