Brownz
Bluelighter
I consider myself an experienced drug user. And quite responsible. Up until now.
It all started one Saturday morning. I usually work 6 days a week so having the first Saturday off work in a while and a massive wad of cash lying around I decided to treat myself to some narcotics. It all started so innocently with a few drinks for a friends leaving do at the pub on a Saturday night. My friend (the one who was leaving) got a bit too wasted and was asked to leave the venue so we decided to go back to another one of our friends to continue the party there. We had no intention of any kind of drugs at the time so we went to the liquor shop and bought some alcohol for the little get together. All is well, nothing special typical drunken night with friends, I fall asleep and that was that.
Woke up on the sofa that morning and maybe 5 - 6 others were still hanging around having woke up on the floor, in the bathroom etc etc. Had quick breakfast there and everyone decided to get back on the beers. All is well, listening to music, telling our friend how much we are going to miss him and reminiscing, usual social banter... Which after a few beers can lead to some sort of narcotic situation. As follows.
My friend was a bit fresh and being a huge fan of ketamine and quite the user back in England (We are all currently living in Sydney) kept on asking me to get Ketamine for her. At first I pretended I couldn't get hold of any as I myself, am a huge ketamine fan (being one of my many conquered demons) and knew exactly that I would end up having some... leading to buying some... leading to a big chunk of my savings disappearing as once I start I can't stop, and it is very expensive in this area of the globe. Anyways I tried our guy, he said he could deliver and at this point I had already decided to buy a gram for myself. A few hours later I try him again and he doesn't answer. So at this point I had wrote the idea off, but still wanted to partake in some chemical delights.
Where I am currently living there is another guy literally 5 minutes walk from where I stay, who always has good MDMA pills, so I decided to buy some for me and friends. I'm not 100 percent sure of the logo but they were red and had that typical MDMA smell. I decided to get 8 and just have a couple for myself, I gave the rest to friends who owed me the money for them. Again typical shenanigans, rolling round on the sofas, talking shit and listening to quirky electronic music. Quite good pills, eyes shaking and feeling good in general. Nothing special or that interesting that I would go out of my way to write a trip report for! This being my first as the latter part of this thread will explain why I had to share this, Don't worry I will get to the point!
So roughly an hour passes by, and the initial guy we rang for ketamine rings my phone back... My eyes light up. Once I am under the influence of drugs, there is probably no stopping me from buying more and attempting to get as possibly bent as I can. It is a weakness of mine although I do believe I can be responsible, but I had not been to space for a while so I answered the call and told him to come around. I call him backpack big boy. As in his little backpack he carries a wide selection of interesting things. He is like a walking party pharmacy. Quite a convenient person to have around when you want the freedom to choose which way you want to enter different realms of consciousness. I'll just say there were 3 things in the bag that caught my eye. Pure MDMA crystal, freebase DMT and "ketamine". So I purchased 500mg of the crystal, 100mg of the DMT and a gram of what I believed to be ketamine, although being dubious it could be MXE (having been stung before by a different dealer) but I assured myself in a hopeful haze of excitement, that it was my favourite chemical ketamine. I even tried a bump to make sure it was ketamine, but in my haste to get twisted I convinced myself it was, and that what I was feeling was that of a ketamine state of mind, so I kept the bag of white powder and decided to save it for later.
So all excited and equipped, still peaking from the pills, I decided to make a water bong with a cone pipe to smoke the DMT. I asked my friend if we could go to his car so I could smoke it with minimal distractions and with him as my minder to which he agreed. So I sat there, only having smoked DMT once before to which I really really enjoyed and decided on how I was going to measure the dose. Well I never measured it and decided that this time I really wanted one of those experiences that Terrence McKenna talks about (his work being quite an interest of mine, maybe my whole inspiration to smoke DMT in the first place) so I put the whole 100mg in the pipe, layered between tobacco. I turned to my friend and said "Just let me do what I'm doing, don't let me burn myself as I may be unconscious, don't worry and just make sure I am physically ok" to which he agreed.
As soon as I heard the crackle of the DMT and tobacco burning my world instantly changed, I was still in a capable state of mind to ensure I inhaled as much of the smoke as possible, so focused on the actual smoking until I was propelled straight into another dimension. Complex shapes and patterns, similar to that of acid but a lot more "true' encompassed everything in my open vision. I felt as if I was being sucked upwards at which point i closed my eyes. I remember a very sinister kind of feeling, ironically quite welcoming. I have had experiences through ketamine before which are similar, it's almost as if you are introduced to some sort of spirit guide who is trying to let you in on something. It seems as if what I was experiencing was almost forbidden to us as simple humans, and that I actually had cracked into some sort of information matrix, yet my small human brain was just not intelligent enough to understand. I do remember feeling a massive sort of pressure on myself (my soul?) and it's as if something was about to 'pop' or explode. I was kind of frightened so tried to gain control of reality again, still fully aware that I had taken a drug. I open my eyes to look straight at my friend who is looking at me straight in the eye. He had smoked it a few weeks before for the first time and his first words to me where "Intense that isn't it!"... YES! Still in my vision where complex patterns I was trying to follow them with my eyes but they kept kind of disappearing into the distance, back into the forbidden matrix. I remember feeling somewhat refreshed, as if I had just taken my brain to the toilet and relieved it! I was almost back to baseline, and feeling good but still a bit disappointed I never got to converse with any aliens. I don't even need anyone to tell me I didn't smoke it properly as I gathered that. There were remains which I decided i was going to smoke in an hour or so, purely for recreational value.
Still sat in the car (which was parked under a building in a parking space), I realised I was slightly under the influence from the bump of "ket" my dealer gave me to try before I bought it. Still in the awe of what had just happened and under the influence of MDMA it never really crossed my mind I had had MXE, I was pretty drunk as well and not really thinking about what I was taking in great detail. So I decided to pour out roughly 300mg of the "ket" onto a DVD case and railed myself a nice 250mg line and my friend a small 50mg (all approximate). Consumed and carried on talking our usual shit. Now, to be honest it gets quite blurry here, the next thing I remember is not actually knowing where I was and what a car was (being sat in the car still). It was utter confusion, my friends from upstairs came down to see us, and I couldn't make sense of anything they were saying or understand who they were - in which sense I knew who they were, but I couldn't understand WHY they were... That 'is the best way I can describe it. I remember some sort of excavation process going on, which I believe happened in my 'K' hole, I could see big yellow diggers, digging and digging and being a part of it all. That's the last thing I remember until I came around back in the living room in the apartment. I felt quite violated and had memories of family, and school teachers which I was convinced I had been with or talked to, which in the real world had never happened. During this time I don't remember it's only until afterwards I was told that I snorted another huge line the size of the DVD case (having quite a high tolerance to ketamine, stupidly high, and still not knowing that what I was having wasn't ketamine.. I'll get onto how it was revealed later) so you can imagine things were very messy. I don't remember much, I came around with about 600 dollars cash spread around me, everybody had left the apartment except my best friend and his girlfriend who was sleeping. All I had were feelings of misdoings, like I had done something wrong and been a lot of places. This was about 6 hours after consuming the initial line. I asked my friend where everyone was and he said they had gone to Bondi beach. He told me that he had had MXE in England and had some the same day, and that it was definitely Methoxetamine what I had been having. I felt like I had just come out of a ket hole, but very very confused and almost blind through the distortion of perception in my vision. My friend said he was leaving as he was waiting for me to come out of my M hole, and he said he had some of my MDMA crystal but lost the bag in an MXE haze so would not leave until he found it. So with both done he left. I saw a DVD case with a small amount of the powder on to which i consumed before leaving to find my friends on the beach.
At this point in time I had convinced myself I was completely sober and capable but it's only thinking back that I realised how much of a state I was in. Everything in my vision seemed so small and I could hardly see anything out of a 5 metre radius. I was having acid-esque visuals but they were quite 'harsh' if you will. There were so many tracers and it was difficult to work out where I was and kept forgetting where I was heading. I rang my friends and head off to find them, but had to get a taxi first. I remember walking up the main road towards the beach but it was very very different. It seemed so small and compact and it was almost like some sort of toy town. I was questioning how people could live there, and kept convincing myself I was somewhere else. So my only option was to flag down a taxi and get him to take me to my destination. It took what seemed like hours. I got in and remember feeling that me and the taxi man had some sort of bond. Being a hard worker myself it was some sort of feeling that we were in it together, in the rat race, in the huge complex world doing our part together to make the world turn, yet feeling betrayed by the system. I could hardly speak but I remember having to tell him I only had 100 dollar notes, to which I was fretting to tell him as I know it can be difficult to change sometimes. He was fine and again I felt the bond, but this time it was about money, it was the realisation that in that one little green note that exchanged hands, we had both done our deeds and now the fruit was exchanging hands.
I arrived at the beach (at this point it is very dark), on the phone to my friend. He kept telling me where to go, but I had no idea where I was even though I am very familiar with Bondi beach. It was very hard to work out exactly where I was, and it seemed as if I was in some sort of shopping mall, to which I had convinced myself I was. I couldn't deal with speaking on the phone anymore so I headed out to find them. I didn't actually realise I was heading in the right direction straight towards them, or the fact i was on the beach itself, on the sand. I was very very confused and could not see anything. To my delight I heard my friends shouting but couldn't see them, they knew I was in a state so one of them came over to 'rescue' me. I was still convinced I was straight headed but just had bad vision from the MXE. Thinking back I was extremely out of it but at the time it never seemed that way. We sat on the beach, I pull out my lovely little bag of pure MDMA crystal and start passing it around. I ate quite a large crystal and although it tastes so bad, just knowing it was pure MDMA and so good made it taste heavenly. We sit talking, turning, having quite an intimate meaningful conversation. I was really enjoying myself with the people I love enjoying some fine beers, the sand and a bag of molly, it was bliss (but I still couldn't see!). Another friend turns up, along with my cousin and his girlfriend. We all decide to sit somewhere else and people were getting agitated with the sand. We end up on a bench by a pavilion which was pretty cool. It was like something you would do as a teenager, cans of beers, taking drugs sat on a bench... But it was brilliant. I share out all the MDMA and by this point I am really under the influence of MDMA. I felt like I could just sink into the bench, My jaw was like a jack hammer and the occasional outrageous comment came out of my mouth. I still can't see anything mind you. Well anyway, my friend pulls out of bag of white powder, which turns out to be a gram of MXE she purchased earlier thinking it was ket. I told her what it was and explained about analogues and stuff and advised her to be careful. We all share a bit and that's when it got confusing again. I had a few more bumps consecutively. Along with my cousin. That was it again things got hazy. Me and my cousin went on a walk by ourselves and ended up ringing my aunty, his mother. I have no idea what was said, and dread to think, but I remember feeling a strong inner need for family. The next thing I truly remember is my cousin asking me to come with him, he was absolutely out of his face and he isn't the biggest fan of ketamine, so MXE probably wasn't a big fan of him. I remember feeling that I was more in control and not as under the influence as he talked things that didn't even slightly make sense to me for ages. I listened respectively though as to not upset him. I felt a true bond with my cousin, it was if that night was planned, by some governing force, for us to spend it together. All the others had left and it was the two of us.
Now this part of the story, is my reason for writing this whole story... I remember being by myself, my cousin had gone somewhere and I ended up by myself. I remember starting to feel a sense of panic, like something really bad was happening. Something spiritual and something governed by the usual entities I meet through heroic doses of ketamine. These entities are normal friendly and I can only describe them as heavenly. This however was sinister, sadistic and utterly terrifying. I remember the sense of some sort of an end, probably not the end of the world but maybe the end of my soul. It was if like 'The Truman Show' my whole life had been a lie and not what I thought it was... and now I was leaving to a terrible place. The best way I can describe it is that some sort of demons had entered my body and were dragging me away. Although what I was feeling is almost impossible to put into words this is the best way to describe it. I think from an outside point of view I may have looked terrified and falling about in a panic, but this really was the worst thing what could ever happen ever in the present moment, and I still cannot fully explain what it was. It was UTTER ego loss like no other, I had no idea of me, or anything else. It was a complete void, yet so sinister and terrifying. The closest experience I have had to this previously was after consuming too much GHB and ketamine together. It was as if my material matter, what makes up me as a physical person, still had awareness but no soul. I am still to this day obsessed with the experience and have concluded it could have been an actual near death experience, maybe my brain was starting to shut down in a panic, but something stopped it from doing so. All in all that was the most scared I have ever been in my life ever, and just wish I could explain, or allow others to empathise directly!
It was hazy after that but the next thing I remember was being OK again and with my cousin, he was digging around on the grass and trying to bury things. He turned to me and said "put everything you own in my hat" to which I handed him my wallet, with 600 dollars cash inside, and my mobile phone. He left it on the grass and asked me to follow him, to which reluctantly I did, leaving my stuff behind. I knew deep down in my head that I needed that stuff, and my subconscious was telling me to go back and get it.. But in my drug riddled head for some reason turning back and getting them would offend my cousin and I didn't want to let him know I was less fucked than him. We got in a taxi, and went to his girlfriends, phone and wallet less.
I only realised the next day what I had done with my phone and wallet but at the time I honestly forgot what I had done. Anyway we turn up at his girlfriends house and try to sleep. I couldn't and was having the most intense closed eye visual I have ever experienced. They weren't just patterns. They were actual hallucinations, detailed graphical images moving rapidly swelling in and out. I was fully conscious and aware of my surroundings and where I was but was really just concentrating on what I was seeing. It was almost as if they had a mind of their own! Things not even slightly relevant to me or even something I would think about. I kept seeing very alien like creatures, loads of them swelled together almost evolving in real time in dark greens and blues. They were very very detailed and so random. The kept swelling and reproducing and changing. The next thing I saw was a medieval type battle between cavalry and infantry of something from the 1300's or something. Again very detailed horses and spears, everything happening so fast, hundreds of horses and people fighting and more and more appearing. So strange as this is not something that I am interested in or have ever taken much notice to, these visuals did have a mind of their own and I am really amazed still from what I saw. I kept seeing vegetables, thousands of them in a big pan boiling, really brightly and vividly, swelling, multiplying and moving on. I saw villages evolve into cities and crumble, in a really fast motion, again so detailed and fast, each individual house having so much detail amongst hundreds. That was the last thing I remember until I fell asleep after about 4 hours of CEV's.
I woke up after about 2 hours sleep feeling rotten. Back to normal but comedown/hangover style. I walked down to the beach and amazingly found my phone and wallet with all the money in. It was quite busy as well so I am so thankful. I have been greedy so many times with drugs and have taken things so far. I don't regret the experiences but do realise that I could have actually died that day as MXE is such a potent chemical. I am almost back to normal after 5 days and can easily say I won't be consuming so much research chemicals is such a hurry again! Thanks for reading my first trip report, hope you enjoyed it... I've been dying to get it off my chest! Much love! x
It all started one Saturday morning. I usually work 6 days a week so having the first Saturday off work in a while and a massive wad of cash lying around I decided to treat myself to some narcotics. It all started so innocently with a few drinks for a friends leaving do at the pub on a Saturday night. My friend (the one who was leaving) got a bit too wasted and was asked to leave the venue so we decided to go back to another one of our friends to continue the party there. We had no intention of any kind of drugs at the time so we went to the liquor shop and bought some alcohol for the little get together. All is well, nothing special typical drunken night with friends, I fall asleep and that was that.
Woke up on the sofa that morning and maybe 5 - 6 others were still hanging around having woke up on the floor, in the bathroom etc etc. Had quick breakfast there and everyone decided to get back on the beers. All is well, listening to music, telling our friend how much we are going to miss him and reminiscing, usual social banter... Which after a few beers can lead to some sort of narcotic situation. As follows.
My friend was a bit fresh and being a huge fan of ketamine and quite the user back in England (We are all currently living in Sydney) kept on asking me to get Ketamine for her. At first I pretended I couldn't get hold of any as I myself, am a huge ketamine fan (being one of my many conquered demons) and knew exactly that I would end up having some... leading to buying some... leading to a big chunk of my savings disappearing as once I start I can't stop, and it is very expensive in this area of the globe. Anyways I tried our guy, he said he could deliver and at this point I had already decided to buy a gram for myself. A few hours later I try him again and he doesn't answer. So at this point I had wrote the idea off, but still wanted to partake in some chemical delights.
Where I am currently living there is another guy literally 5 minutes walk from where I stay, who always has good MDMA pills, so I decided to buy some for me and friends. I'm not 100 percent sure of the logo but they were red and had that typical MDMA smell. I decided to get 8 and just have a couple for myself, I gave the rest to friends who owed me the money for them. Again typical shenanigans, rolling round on the sofas, talking shit and listening to quirky electronic music. Quite good pills, eyes shaking and feeling good in general. Nothing special or that interesting that I would go out of my way to write a trip report for! This being my first as the latter part of this thread will explain why I had to share this, Don't worry I will get to the point!
So roughly an hour passes by, and the initial guy we rang for ketamine rings my phone back... My eyes light up. Once I am under the influence of drugs, there is probably no stopping me from buying more and attempting to get as possibly bent as I can. It is a weakness of mine although I do believe I can be responsible, but I had not been to space for a while so I answered the call and told him to come around. I call him backpack big boy. As in his little backpack he carries a wide selection of interesting things. He is like a walking party pharmacy. Quite a convenient person to have around when you want the freedom to choose which way you want to enter different realms of consciousness. I'll just say there were 3 things in the bag that caught my eye. Pure MDMA crystal, freebase DMT and "ketamine". So I purchased 500mg of the crystal, 100mg of the DMT and a gram of what I believed to be ketamine, although being dubious it could be MXE (having been stung before by a different dealer) but I assured myself in a hopeful haze of excitement, that it was my favourite chemical ketamine. I even tried a bump to make sure it was ketamine, but in my haste to get twisted I convinced myself it was, and that what I was feeling was that of a ketamine state of mind, so I kept the bag of white powder and decided to save it for later.
So all excited and equipped, still peaking from the pills, I decided to make a water bong with a cone pipe to smoke the DMT. I asked my friend if we could go to his car so I could smoke it with minimal distractions and with him as my minder to which he agreed. So I sat there, only having smoked DMT once before to which I really really enjoyed and decided on how I was going to measure the dose. Well I never measured it and decided that this time I really wanted one of those experiences that Terrence McKenna talks about (his work being quite an interest of mine, maybe my whole inspiration to smoke DMT in the first place) so I put the whole 100mg in the pipe, layered between tobacco. I turned to my friend and said "Just let me do what I'm doing, don't let me burn myself as I may be unconscious, don't worry and just make sure I am physically ok" to which he agreed.
As soon as I heard the crackle of the DMT and tobacco burning my world instantly changed, I was still in a capable state of mind to ensure I inhaled as much of the smoke as possible, so focused on the actual smoking until I was propelled straight into another dimension. Complex shapes and patterns, similar to that of acid but a lot more "true' encompassed everything in my open vision. I felt as if I was being sucked upwards at which point i closed my eyes. I remember a very sinister kind of feeling, ironically quite welcoming. I have had experiences through ketamine before which are similar, it's almost as if you are introduced to some sort of spirit guide who is trying to let you in on something. It seems as if what I was experiencing was almost forbidden to us as simple humans, and that I actually had cracked into some sort of information matrix, yet my small human brain was just not intelligent enough to understand. I do remember feeling a massive sort of pressure on myself (my soul?) and it's as if something was about to 'pop' or explode. I was kind of frightened so tried to gain control of reality again, still fully aware that I had taken a drug. I open my eyes to look straight at my friend who is looking at me straight in the eye. He had smoked it a few weeks before for the first time and his first words to me where "Intense that isn't it!"... YES! Still in my vision where complex patterns I was trying to follow them with my eyes but they kept kind of disappearing into the distance, back into the forbidden matrix. I remember feeling somewhat refreshed, as if I had just taken my brain to the toilet and relieved it! I was almost back to baseline, and feeling good but still a bit disappointed I never got to converse with any aliens. I don't even need anyone to tell me I didn't smoke it properly as I gathered that. There were remains which I decided i was going to smoke in an hour or so, purely for recreational value.
Still sat in the car (which was parked under a building in a parking space), I realised I was slightly under the influence from the bump of "ket" my dealer gave me to try before I bought it. Still in the awe of what had just happened and under the influence of MDMA it never really crossed my mind I had had MXE, I was pretty drunk as well and not really thinking about what I was taking in great detail. So I decided to pour out roughly 300mg of the "ket" onto a DVD case and railed myself a nice 250mg line and my friend a small 50mg (all approximate). Consumed and carried on talking our usual shit. Now, to be honest it gets quite blurry here, the next thing I remember is not actually knowing where I was and what a car was (being sat in the car still). It was utter confusion, my friends from upstairs came down to see us, and I couldn't make sense of anything they were saying or understand who they were - in which sense I knew who they were, but I couldn't understand WHY they were... That 'is the best way I can describe it. I remember some sort of excavation process going on, which I believe happened in my 'K' hole, I could see big yellow diggers, digging and digging and being a part of it all. That's the last thing I remember until I came around back in the living room in the apartment. I felt quite violated and had memories of family, and school teachers which I was convinced I had been with or talked to, which in the real world had never happened. During this time I don't remember it's only until afterwards I was told that I snorted another huge line the size of the DVD case (having quite a high tolerance to ketamine, stupidly high, and still not knowing that what I was having wasn't ketamine.. I'll get onto how it was revealed later) so you can imagine things were very messy. I don't remember much, I came around with about 600 dollars cash spread around me, everybody had left the apartment except my best friend and his girlfriend who was sleeping. All I had were feelings of misdoings, like I had done something wrong and been a lot of places. This was about 6 hours after consuming the initial line. I asked my friend where everyone was and he said they had gone to Bondi beach. He told me that he had had MXE in England and had some the same day, and that it was definitely Methoxetamine what I had been having. I felt like I had just come out of a ket hole, but very very confused and almost blind through the distortion of perception in my vision. My friend said he was leaving as he was waiting for me to come out of my M hole, and he said he had some of my MDMA crystal but lost the bag in an MXE haze so would not leave until he found it. So with both done he left. I saw a DVD case with a small amount of the powder on to which i consumed before leaving to find my friends on the beach.
At this point in time I had convinced myself I was completely sober and capable but it's only thinking back that I realised how much of a state I was in. Everything in my vision seemed so small and I could hardly see anything out of a 5 metre radius. I was having acid-esque visuals but they were quite 'harsh' if you will. There were so many tracers and it was difficult to work out where I was and kept forgetting where I was heading. I rang my friends and head off to find them, but had to get a taxi first. I remember walking up the main road towards the beach but it was very very different. It seemed so small and compact and it was almost like some sort of toy town. I was questioning how people could live there, and kept convincing myself I was somewhere else. So my only option was to flag down a taxi and get him to take me to my destination. It took what seemed like hours. I got in and remember feeling that me and the taxi man had some sort of bond. Being a hard worker myself it was some sort of feeling that we were in it together, in the rat race, in the huge complex world doing our part together to make the world turn, yet feeling betrayed by the system. I could hardly speak but I remember having to tell him I only had 100 dollar notes, to which I was fretting to tell him as I know it can be difficult to change sometimes. He was fine and again I felt the bond, but this time it was about money, it was the realisation that in that one little green note that exchanged hands, we had both done our deeds and now the fruit was exchanging hands.
I arrived at the beach (at this point it is very dark), on the phone to my friend. He kept telling me where to go, but I had no idea where I was even though I am very familiar with Bondi beach. It was very hard to work out exactly where I was, and it seemed as if I was in some sort of shopping mall, to which I had convinced myself I was. I couldn't deal with speaking on the phone anymore so I headed out to find them. I didn't actually realise I was heading in the right direction straight towards them, or the fact i was on the beach itself, on the sand. I was very very confused and could not see anything. To my delight I heard my friends shouting but couldn't see them, they knew I was in a state so one of them came over to 'rescue' me. I was still convinced I was straight headed but just had bad vision from the MXE. Thinking back I was extremely out of it but at the time it never seemed that way. We sat on the beach, I pull out my lovely little bag of pure MDMA crystal and start passing it around. I ate quite a large crystal and although it tastes so bad, just knowing it was pure MDMA and so good made it taste heavenly. We sit talking, turning, having quite an intimate meaningful conversation. I was really enjoying myself with the people I love enjoying some fine beers, the sand and a bag of molly, it was bliss (but I still couldn't see!). Another friend turns up, along with my cousin and his girlfriend. We all decide to sit somewhere else and people were getting agitated with the sand. We end up on a bench by a pavilion which was pretty cool. It was like something you would do as a teenager, cans of beers, taking drugs sat on a bench... But it was brilliant. I share out all the MDMA and by this point I am really under the influence of MDMA. I felt like I could just sink into the bench, My jaw was like a jack hammer and the occasional outrageous comment came out of my mouth. I still can't see anything mind you. Well anyway, my friend pulls out of bag of white powder, which turns out to be a gram of MXE she purchased earlier thinking it was ket. I told her what it was and explained about analogues and stuff and advised her to be careful. We all share a bit and that's when it got confusing again. I had a few more bumps consecutively. Along with my cousin. That was it again things got hazy. Me and my cousin went on a walk by ourselves and ended up ringing my aunty, his mother. I have no idea what was said, and dread to think, but I remember feeling a strong inner need for family. The next thing I truly remember is my cousin asking me to come with him, he was absolutely out of his face and he isn't the biggest fan of ketamine, so MXE probably wasn't a big fan of him. I remember feeling that I was more in control and not as under the influence as he talked things that didn't even slightly make sense to me for ages. I listened respectively though as to not upset him. I felt a true bond with my cousin, it was if that night was planned, by some governing force, for us to spend it together. All the others had left and it was the two of us.
Now this part of the story, is my reason for writing this whole story... I remember being by myself, my cousin had gone somewhere and I ended up by myself. I remember starting to feel a sense of panic, like something really bad was happening. Something spiritual and something governed by the usual entities I meet through heroic doses of ketamine. These entities are normal friendly and I can only describe them as heavenly. This however was sinister, sadistic and utterly terrifying. I remember the sense of some sort of an end, probably not the end of the world but maybe the end of my soul. It was if like 'The Truman Show' my whole life had been a lie and not what I thought it was... and now I was leaving to a terrible place. The best way I can describe it is that some sort of demons had entered my body and were dragging me away. Although what I was feeling is almost impossible to put into words this is the best way to describe it. I think from an outside point of view I may have looked terrified and falling about in a panic, but this really was the worst thing what could ever happen ever in the present moment, and I still cannot fully explain what it was. It was UTTER ego loss like no other, I had no idea of me, or anything else. It was a complete void, yet so sinister and terrifying. The closest experience I have had to this previously was after consuming too much GHB and ketamine together. It was as if my material matter, what makes up me as a physical person, still had awareness but no soul. I am still to this day obsessed with the experience and have concluded it could have been an actual near death experience, maybe my brain was starting to shut down in a panic, but something stopped it from doing so. All in all that was the most scared I have ever been in my life ever, and just wish I could explain, or allow others to empathise directly!
It was hazy after that but the next thing I remember was being OK again and with my cousin, he was digging around on the grass and trying to bury things. He turned to me and said "put everything you own in my hat" to which I handed him my wallet, with 600 dollars cash inside, and my mobile phone. He left it on the grass and asked me to follow him, to which reluctantly I did, leaving my stuff behind. I knew deep down in my head that I needed that stuff, and my subconscious was telling me to go back and get it.. But in my drug riddled head for some reason turning back and getting them would offend my cousin and I didn't want to let him know I was less fucked than him. We got in a taxi, and went to his girlfriends, phone and wallet less.
I only realised the next day what I had done with my phone and wallet but at the time I honestly forgot what I had done. Anyway we turn up at his girlfriends house and try to sleep. I couldn't and was having the most intense closed eye visual I have ever experienced. They weren't just patterns. They were actual hallucinations, detailed graphical images moving rapidly swelling in and out. I was fully conscious and aware of my surroundings and where I was but was really just concentrating on what I was seeing. It was almost as if they had a mind of their own! Things not even slightly relevant to me or even something I would think about. I kept seeing very alien like creatures, loads of them swelled together almost evolving in real time in dark greens and blues. They were very very detailed and so random. The kept swelling and reproducing and changing. The next thing I saw was a medieval type battle between cavalry and infantry of something from the 1300's or something. Again very detailed horses and spears, everything happening so fast, hundreds of horses and people fighting and more and more appearing. So strange as this is not something that I am interested in or have ever taken much notice to, these visuals did have a mind of their own and I am really amazed still from what I saw. I kept seeing vegetables, thousands of them in a big pan boiling, really brightly and vividly, swelling, multiplying and moving on. I saw villages evolve into cities and crumble, in a really fast motion, again so detailed and fast, each individual house having so much detail amongst hundreds. That was the last thing I remember until I fell asleep after about 4 hours of CEV's.
I woke up after about 2 hours sleep feeling rotten. Back to normal but comedown/hangover style. I walked down to the beach and amazingly found my phone and wallet with all the money in. It was quite busy as well so I am so thankful. I have been greedy so many times with drugs and have taken things so far. I don't regret the experiences but do realise that I could have actually died that day as MXE is such a potent chemical. I am almost back to normal after 5 days and can easily say I won't be consuming so much research chemicals is such a hurry again! Thanks for reading my first trip report, hope you enjoyed it... I've been dying to get it off my chest! Much love! x
Great report. 
Ego death is gnarly DXM gives it to me sometimes and it's mostly a neutral feeling, but man when I had it on mescaline I felt so much freedom & euphoria! 
