jaymie
Bluelighter
Bought two igloos and took them with my precious loved one at his mom's apartment when I was there for a visit in Oct. I hadn't had any pills for a year and a half and was looking forward to this as I was feeling like we both needed a good reminder as to why we were together. We had been seperated due to a badly planned out Ayahuasca experience that went wrong (or right, who really knows.) I definitely think we got what we were looking for that day of the igloo and I've been trying to pull what I learned into my everyday life. I generally think that's what you gotta do to keep the magic in your life and your pills.
We dropped and wished eachother a good roll. I think we just sat around for maybe 30 minutes trying to gauge ourselves until my boyfriend's mom called and said she was gonna be back unexpectedly and she needed our help bringing up groceries. "Oh boy, I hope this goes okay," I said. So we put on our shoes and went down into the car port to lug up the bags of food we no doubt would be up for munching on a little bit later. If nothing else I thought this experience with his mom would help to bring us into an insightful roll.
We had only eaten a small meal although I forget exactly what it was, but I think it was toast or cereal 2 hours earlier. I was feeling the weakness from lack of food but no igloo yet, thank god. After bringing the groceries in and listening to my boyfriend's mom tell us what she got for us and what we couldn't eat, I watched and tried to help them put stuff away but felt awkward since I didn't live there anymore. I just stood around self consciously drinking water and trying to pet the cat, but she was afraid of me for some reason
This went on for possibly 25 more minutes and got on the topic of how long I would be visiting. We eventually all agreed on a week and both me and my boyfriend escaped into his room with wild eyes and trembling souls. I was totally convinced that his mom knew what was up with us because I looked into my boyfriends eye's and his pupils were humongous! But actually I got my imagination running for nothing.
By the time we were in his room both of us were launching fast into our rolls and I had slight jaw tension already. I thought this was due to adrenaline and my skin was also cold and clammy. We were sitting there and we started to talk about destiny and our souls. He felt he could see my soul and how afraid I was. I didn't shy away as I usually would because I felt it too.
I was totally wild eyed with excitement, but equally afraid as to where it would lead me. My boyfriend had this wise old look on his face that told me things would be okay. He felt I had a great unknown power that I would learn to harness someday If I chose to. He touched my head and I got this sense of awe and ecstatic energy. He told me later that this took a considerable amount of energy away from him but that it was all worth it because I needed to have what was swirling in my head taken away.
This reminded me of what a shaman might be able to do and I greatly respect my boyfriend after he showed me that part of him. I felt so sad because I thought I was leaching away all his good energy away from him, but I knew he could find his source and renew it and that I would play a part in helping him succeed with what I could give to him as well as he gives to me.
We both knew I had my own demons and uncertainties to work out as well as he and that neither could save eachother but we would always be there to reassure and remind eachother of the love that is out there and in between us. Even if we were to part we would still always hold eachother in our hearts and the seperation would not be forever.
We got under the covers and closed our eyes. I immediately felt scared to be alone with myself, I wanted to be held and told everything was going to be okay. I faced my fears and found them to relate to a fear of life, a fear of existence and what I was to do with my life. I tried to imagine each and every cell of my body and what they looked like. I sort of felt like the magic school bus was traveling around my body taking pictures to bring back to my vision.
I remembered Leonardo DiVinci's x-ray drawing of the human body and it's muscles. I don't remember what it is called but it was much like that of Alex Grey's art. I thought how amazing my body was and how there was no need to be afraid of it and what it housed, me. I would have to keep working to get what I wanted though because there is no peace, no love without the hard work it takes to get out of a closed, self indulgent mind to free insight and manifested good energy.
I felt so ungrounded and looking back on it I was trying to ground myself to my body by envisioning what it was like inside there. I felt some sort of peace for once in a while and it was not instant but I had to really work for it. I wasn't as scared anymore because I knew things would go on no matter what and that I'd be okay if I just put my energy into good.
Before relaxing into the roll I was in a state of blinking out of existence with fear and worry. I felt this was what I was doing after getting kicked out of my boyfriends mothers house for my own good a couple months before this visit. I was terrified of the responsibility I held for myself now that I was alone. I needed to analyze in full detail what it was that could get me out of a state of non existence and into a grounded state of living. I feel I got a window into my soul with this igloo.
After about two and a half hours I started to come down from an analytical and intuitive thought process and was really sleepy. My boyfriend had already went to sleep as he had to go to work in a few hours at his new job. So I rolled over and blinked into unconsciousness.
I can't recall if this happened during sleep or during my roll but I had a vision of me as an Inuit Indian woman in furs with a baby boy and my partner, a male Indian in an igloo on the tundra many, many years ago. I knew the man was my boyfriend in this life because he had the same personality without all the self conflict. We were healers and I couldn't wait to teach our son about the universe. He would be wise, intelligent and in tune with the spirits of the earth and the stars. The vision ended and I immediately felt a sense of wonder and awe at my life. I wondered if this was what past life recall was. I told my boyfriend and a smile and a feeling of relaxation crossed his face. I think I rolled over and went to sleep after that.
I tried to include the time frames in here as best as I could, but I tend not to think about time after I am into an experience that happens to be so deep. I hope it is not too hard to gauge.
I would just like to say that MDMA can be a powerful tool of you use it wisely. But even if you don't use it wisely there are a bunch of lessons you can come out with. It changed my life and how I look at it in so many ways, but most importantly the respect I have for all things and what they bring to this cosmic play of life. MDMA and other entheogens have helped me to shed many false values and helped me to gauge myself in this world with open eyes and an open heart. I do not know my destiny, but I feel I've been brought closer to the path I will take with each experience I've had in life and with the drug exploration I've chosen. Love to you all and good luck in your ventures out there.
Peace
[ 04 December 2002: Message edited by: jaymie ]
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: jaymie ]
We dropped and wished eachother a good roll. I think we just sat around for maybe 30 minutes trying to gauge ourselves until my boyfriend's mom called and said she was gonna be back unexpectedly and she needed our help bringing up groceries. "Oh boy, I hope this goes okay," I said. So we put on our shoes and went down into the car port to lug up the bags of food we no doubt would be up for munching on a little bit later. If nothing else I thought this experience with his mom would help to bring us into an insightful roll.
We had only eaten a small meal although I forget exactly what it was, but I think it was toast or cereal 2 hours earlier. I was feeling the weakness from lack of food but no igloo yet, thank god. After bringing the groceries in and listening to my boyfriend's mom tell us what she got for us and what we couldn't eat, I watched and tried to help them put stuff away but felt awkward since I didn't live there anymore. I just stood around self consciously drinking water and trying to pet the cat, but she was afraid of me for some reason
This went on for possibly 25 more minutes and got on the topic of how long I would be visiting. We eventually all agreed on a week and both me and my boyfriend escaped into his room with wild eyes and trembling souls. I was totally convinced that his mom knew what was up with us because I looked into my boyfriends eye's and his pupils were humongous! But actually I got my imagination running for nothing.
By the time we were in his room both of us were launching fast into our rolls and I had slight jaw tension already. I thought this was due to adrenaline and my skin was also cold and clammy. We were sitting there and we started to talk about destiny and our souls. He felt he could see my soul and how afraid I was. I didn't shy away as I usually would because I felt it too.
I was totally wild eyed with excitement, but equally afraid as to where it would lead me. My boyfriend had this wise old look on his face that told me things would be okay. He felt I had a great unknown power that I would learn to harness someday If I chose to. He touched my head and I got this sense of awe and ecstatic energy. He told me later that this took a considerable amount of energy away from him but that it was all worth it because I needed to have what was swirling in my head taken away.
This reminded me of what a shaman might be able to do and I greatly respect my boyfriend after he showed me that part of him. I felt so sad because I thought I was leaching away all his good energy away from him, but I knew he could find his source and renew it and that I would play a part in helping him succeed with what I could give to him as well as he gives to me.
We both knew I had my own demons and uncertainties to work out as well as he and that neither could save eachother but we would always be there to reassure and remind eachother of the love that is out there and in between us. Even if we were to part we would still always hold eachother in our hearts and the seperation would not be forever.
We got under the covers and closed our eyes. I immediately felt scared to be alone with myself, I wanted to be held and told everything was going to be okay. I faced my fears and found them to relate to a fear of life, a fear of existence and what I was to do with my life. I tried to imagine each and every cell of my body and what they looked like. I sort of felt like the magic school bus was traveling around my body taking pictures to bring back to my vision.
I remembered Leonardo DiVinci's x-ray drawing of the human body and it's muscles. I don't remember what it is called but it was much like that of Alex Grey's art. I thought how amazing my body was and how there was no need to be afraid of it and what it housed, me. I would have to keep working to get what I wanted though because there is no peace, no love without the hard work it takes to get out of a closed, self indulgent mind to free insight and manifested good energy.
I felt so ungrounded and looking back on it I was trying to ground myself to my body by envisioning what it was like inside there. I felt some sort of peace for once in a while and it was not instant but I had to really work for it. I wasn't as scared anymore because I knew things would go on no matter what and that I'd be okay if I just put my energy into good.
Before relaxing into the roll I was in a state of blinking out of existence with fear and worry. I felt this was what I was doing after getting kicked out of my boyfriends mothers house for my own good a couple months before this visit. I was terrified of the responsibility I held for myself now that I was alone. I needed to analyze in full detail what it was that could get me out of a state of non existence and into a grounded state of living. I feel I got a window into my soul with this igloo.
After about two and a half hours I started to come down from an analytical and intuitive thought process and was really sleepy. My boyfriend had already went to sleep as he had to go to work in a few hours at his new job. So I rolled over and blinked into unconsciousness.
I can't recall if this happened during sleep or during my roll but I had a vision of me as an Inuit Indian woman in furs with a baby boy and my partner, a male Indian in an igloo on the tundra many, many years ago. I knew the man was my boyfriend in this life because he had the same personality without all the self conflict. We were healers and I couldn't wait to teach our son about the universe. He would be wise, intelligent and in tune with the spirits of the earth and the stars. The vision ended and I immediately felt a sense of wonder and awe at my life. I wondered if this was what past life recall was. I told my boyfriend and a smile and a feeling of relaxation crossed his face. I think I rolled over and went to sleep after that.
I tried to include the time frames in here as best as I could, but I tend not to think about time after I am into an experience that happens to be so deep. I hope it is not too hard to gauge.
I would just like to say that MDMA can be a powerful tool of you use it wisely. But even if you don't use it wisely there are a bunch of lessons you can come out with. It changed my life and how I look at it in so many ways, but most importantly the respect I have for all things and what they bring to this cosmic play of life. MDMA and other entheogens have helped me to shed many false values and helped me to gauge myself in this world with open eyes and an open heart. I do not know my destiny, but I feel I've been brought closer to the path I will take with each experience I've had in life and with the drug exploration I've chosen. Love to you all and good luck in your ventures out there.
Peace
[ 04 December 2002: Message edited by: jaymie ]
[ 04 February 2003: Message edited by: jaymie ]
