Me: Female, 32, last MDMA use was 7 months ago
The drug: 120mg from a batch of mandy I've used before (tested and weighed), ingested in a rizla bomb about ten minutes before this story starts.
The setting: a ten hour daytime rave, playing mostly melodic techno. I dose, then go to the main room to listen to some music.
The report:
The DJs open their set with my favourite track, something very melodic. I dosed the MDMA about ten minutes ago, but the music touches me so deeply that I well up with emotion and almost start crying. I know the drugs can?€™t have hit me that quickly, and that this a track I always feel quite emotional listening to, but I'm surprised by the intensity of my reaction.
Twenty minutes in and I can definitely feel the come up starting to happen. This is unusual for me, as it normally takes me a good 35 minutes to an hour to start to feel more than a couple of twinges. I can feel myself slip into the familiar pattern of experiencing little waves of pleasure across my body, and then they evaporate and I have some kind of dark, miserable thought about something. I remind myself that this is all part of the experience and that is all okay, and keep breathing and dancing through it.
I?€™m dancing alternately with my eyes open, and then closed, and I start to get little flashes of images/messages, though they?€™re brief. One is of a desert ?€“ ?€˜parched and dry, you are a desert at the moment.?€™ I think of all the people in my life I am emotionally supporting and think okay, so perhaps I am giving too much to others and not enough to myself. The image fades.
I continue moving, and recognise some anxiety coming in about an upcoming trip I have. I remind myself that all these thoughts and feelings are just like a river, all I have to do is notice them and they will float past. Suddenly I have an image/feeling of flowing, of being a river. ?€˜Life is a river?€™ something tells me. I think, briefly, of all the loss I?€™ve encountered this year, and take a moment to respect and honour that, but I don?€™t feel the need to go any more deeply into it. ?€˜Life is a river, it will keep flowing and you will keep flowing.?€™ I open my eyes again. It is only about 35 minutes since I dosed, but I have no doubt that it is starting to kick in quite fiercely, though it is feeling a little uncomfortable and I?€™m not peaking yet, so I must still be coming up.
A particularly dark, heavy track comes on, and I close my eyes. My mind wants to take me somewhere in response to this track, and I let myself go. An image starts to form. I?€™m an alien warrior on an alien planet, somewhere deep in space. I?€™m not actually an alien, but the MDMA is momentarily allowing me along for the ride with these guys. The aliens have brown skin and beaks, and have an Egyptian hieroglyph kind of appearance, with gold bird-head shaped helmets covering most of their heads. They are armoured and I have joined them as they are marching into war. I can feel them marching, as though from the inside. I can also feel them ?€“ they?€™re very different to us humans, the way they experience emotions is very different. They?€™re stronger, and tougher, and they love in a more detached yet somehow more elevated way than we do. I stay with them for a little while, and then I open my eyes and slip out of the image.
I turn around and glance at my boyfriend. ?€˜He doesn?€™t love you,?€™ the MDMA tells me in a very clear, matter-of-fact way. I accept the thought and its clarity, but it doesn?€™t impact me in an emotional way. I'm aware that this could be a profound intuition, or just part of the anxiety of the come up induced by my own underlying insecurities, so I decide to park it and give it more consideration later.
I close my eyes again and the MDMA reminds me that it is okay, because I am connected to all the strong, powerful women that have ever lived throughout history, my own ancestors and those extending beyond that. For some reason I have a particularly strong image of/connection to Queen Nefertiti. I?€™m reminded of all my sisters over the world, all the women that have ever lived and struggled, and know I can draw strength from that whenever I need to. I open my eyes for a bit to check out my surroundings. All feels okay and safe.
I close my eyes again and let myself be present and open to whatever comes as I listen to the music. Very quickly, I am transported up into space. I start to see the multi-coloured lights of stars and planets rushing towards me, as though I am flying very fast through galaxies. The image then seems to retract a little and I realise that I am seeing all of this through the outline of a gold, geometric shape. I think to myself, ?€˜this is what the universe looks like from God?€™s perspective. I have a God?€™s-eye view of the universe right now.?€™ I stay with it for a while, and it begins to fade. Now I?€™m feeling really settled, and realise I?€™m peaking.
My boyfriend asks if we can move to the back of the room, and we go to the back and then turn around. The blue laser beams are slowly criss-crossing the ceiling. He looks at me and I look back at him, feeling total awe. ?€˜Wow?€™, I mouth. He nods and we stand and stare for a while. He wants to go outside for some air, and on a head level I'm a bit gutted to be leaving the beautiful setting, but on a gut level I'm happy to go out with him. I?€™m feeling good, and peaceful.
He has a cigarette, then we go back inside into the other room to listen to some more music. The DJs are amazing and are playing high energy yet melodic techno, and I dance freely and energetically. I feel like the whole crowd is connected, and that the DJs are connected to the crowd. Every track is perfect and exactly what I need to bring me into the room and into my body and to just enjoy myself.
We have another little break, and I go for a wee (around 2 hours since initial dose at this point). I sit on the toilet for a while and text my boyfriend to tell him I love him. I start talking to my wee and telling it to come, and eventually it does. It feels good and I?€™m very pleased with myself that I've managed to have one, feels like a real achievement.
We go back to the main room to listen to more music. I?€™m comfortably high by this point. There?€™s a guy standing next to me who is also clearly high, and he?€™s smiling and dancing with his eyes closed. I feel like we?€™re vibing on the same level, though we never speak a word to each other. Every now and then we turn to look at each other, and the expression on his face makes me smile even more, because I realise we must look exactly the same, blissed out as fuck and bouncing away in my own little world.
After about three and a half hours since the initial dose, I start to feel the effects wear off. I keep dancing and try to stay connected to the music and enjoy what is going on around me. By five hours since the initial dose, I start to feel the effects wearing off quite significantly, and get a bit annoyed when a couple of big guys keep shoving in front of me. 45 minutes later we decide to call it a day and head home. I'm quite numbed out by that point, but my teeth are still grinding like a mofo.
Conclusion:
In the last year I've become significantly more interested in the psychotherapeutic potential of MDMA. I experience the drug in a very spiritual way, and thus try to prepare for it psychologically for some time in advance, though I'm an atheist and have no particular spiritual beliefs. I enjoy closing my eyes and opening my mind up and simply 'allowing' things to come, which takes me somewhere way beyond the fun of mandy as a recreational party drug. Each trip gives me a lot to consider and process afterwards - an elevated sense of connection to other people and nature and insight into myself and my current life circumstances, which I get a lot of value from.
Ancient Egypt, deserts, space and geometric shapes are all common themes/visions within these 'waking dreams', and I'm really curious if other people experience the same.
Also *love* that feeling of connection you have to other high people when you're high, and how you can just feel that some people are on a level with you, without having to speak to each other!
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_ecstasy
substancecode_mdma
substancecode_empathogens
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
roacode_oral
The drug: 120mg from a batch of mandy I've used before (tested and weighed), ingested in a rizla bomb about ten minutes before this story starts.
The setting: a ten hour daytime rave, playing mostly melodic techno. I dose, then go to the main room to listen to some music.
The report:
The DJs open their set with my favourite track, something very melodic. I dosed the MDMA about ten minutes ago, but the music touches me so deeply that I well up with emotion and almost start crying. I know the drugs can?€™t have hit me that quickly, and that this a track I always feel quite emotional listening to, but I'm surprised by the intensity of my reaction.
Twenty minutes in and I can definitely feel the come up starting to happen. This is unusual for me, as it normally takes me a good 35 minutes to an hour to start to feel more than a couple of twinges. I can feel myself slip into the familiar pattern of experiencing little waves of pleasure across my body, and then they evaporate and I have some kind of dark, miserable thought about something. I remind myself that this is all part of the experience and that is all okay, and keep breathing and dancing through it.
I?€™m dancing alternately with my eyes open, and then closed, and I start to get little flashes of images/messages, though they?€™re brief. One is of a desert ?€“ ?€˜parched and dry, you are a desert at the moment.?€™ I think of all the people in my life I am emotionally supporting and think okay, so perhaps I am giving too much to others and not enough to myself. The image fades.
I continue moving, and recognise some anxiety coming in about an upcoming trip I have. I remind myself that all these thoughts and feelings are just like a river, all I have to do is notice them and they will float past. Suddenly I have an image/feeling of flowing, of being a river. ?€˜Life is a river?€™ something tells me. I think, briefly, of all the loss I?€™ve encountered this year, and take a moment to respect and honour that, but I don?€™t feel the need to go any more deeply into it. ?€˜Life is a river, it will keep flowing and you will keep flowing.?€™ I open my eyes again. It is only about 35 minutes since I dosed, but I have no doubt that it is starting to kick in quite fiercely, though it is feeling a little uncomfortable and I?€™m not peaking yet, so I must still be coming up.
A particularly dark, heavy track comes on, and I close my eyes. My mind wants to take me somewhere in response to this track, and I let myself go. An image starts to form. I?€™m an alien warrior on an alien planet, somewhere deep in space. I?€™m not actually an alien, but the MDMA is momentarily allowing me along for the ride with these guys. The aliens have brown skin and beaks, and have an Egyptian hieroglyph kind of appearance, with gold bird-head shaped helmets covering most of their heads. They are armoured and I have joined them as they are marching into war. I can feel them marching, as though from the inside. I can also feel them ?€“ they?€™re very different to us humans, the way they experience emotions is very different. They?€™re stronger, and tougher, and they love in a more detached yet somehow more elevated way than we do. I stay with them for a little while, and then I open my eyes and slip out of the image.
I turn around and glance at my boyfriend. ?€˜He doesn?€™t love you,?€™ the MDMA tells me in a very clear, matter-of-fact way. I accept the thought and its clarity, but it doesn?€™t impact me in an emotional way. I'm aware that this could be a profound intuition, or just part of the anxiety of the come up induced by my own underlying insecurities, so I decide to park it and give it more consideration later.
I close my eyes again and the MDMA reminds me that it is okay, because I am connected to all the strong, powerful women that have ever lived throughout history, my own ancestors and those extending beyond that. For some reason I have a particularly strong image of/connection to Queen Nefertiti. I?€™m reminded of all my sisters over the world, all the women that have ever lived and struggled, and know I can draw strength from that whenever I need to. I open my eyes for a bit to check out my surroundings. All feels okay and safe.
I close my eyes again and let myself be present and open to whatever comes as I listen to the music. Very quickly, I am transported up into space. I start to see the multi-coloured lights of stars and planets rushing towards me, as though I am flying very fast through galaxies. The image then seems to retract a little and I realise that I am seeing all of this through the outline of a gold, geometric shape. I think to myself, ?€˜this is what the universe looks like from God?€™s perspective. I have a God?€™s-eye view of the universe right now.?€™ I stay with it for a while, and it begins to fade. Now I?€™m feeling really settled, and realise I?€™m peaking.
My boyfriend asks if we can move to the back of the room, and we go to the back and then turn around. The blue laser beams are slowly criss-crossing the ceiling. He looks at me and I look back at him, feeling total awe. ?€˜Wow?€™, I mouth. He nods and we stand and stare for a while. He wants to go outside for some air, and on a head level I'm a bit gutted to be leaving the beautiful setting, but on a gut level I'm happy to go out with him. I?€™m feeling good, and peaceful.
He has a cigarette, then we go back inside into the other room to listen to some more music. The DJs are amazing and are playing high energy yet melodic techno, and I dance freely and energetically. I feel like the whole crowd is connected, and that the DJs are connected to the crowd. Every track is perfect and exactly what I need to bring me into the room and into my body and to just enjoy myself.
We have another little break, and I go for a wee (around 2 hours since initial dose at this point). I sit on the toilet for a while and text my boyfriend to tell him I love him. I start talking to my wee and telling it to come, and eventually it does. It feels good and I?€™m very pleased with myself that I've managed to have one, feels like a real achievement.
We go back to the main room to listen to more music. I?€™m comfortably high by this point. There?€™s a guy standing next to me who is also clearly high, and he?€™s smiling and dancing with his eyes closed. I feel like we?€™re vibing on the same level, though we never speak a word to each other. Every now and then we turn to look at each other, and the expression on his face makes me smile even more, because I realise we must look exactly the same, blissed out as fuck and bouncing away in my own little world.
After about three and a half hours since the initial dose, I start to feel the effects wear off. I keep dancing and try to stay connected to the music and enjoy what is going on around me. By five hours since the initial dose, I start to feel the effects wearing off quite significantly, and get a bit annoyed when a couple of big guys keep shoving in front of me. 45 minutes later we decide to call it a day and head home. I'm quite numbed out by that point, but my teeth are still grinding like a mofo.
Conclusion:
In the last year I've become significantly more interested in the psychotherapeutic potential of MDMA. I experience the drug in a very spiritual way, and thus try to prepare for it psychologically for some time in advance, though I'm an atheist and have no particular spiritual beliefs. I enjoy closing my eyes and opening my mind up and simply 'allowing' things to come, which takes me somewhere way beyond the fun of mandy as a recreational party drug. Each trip gives me a lot to consider and process afterwards - an elevated sense of connection to other people and nature and insight into myself and my current life circumstances, which I get a lot of value from.
Ancient Egypt, deserts, space and geometric shapes are all common themes/visions within these 'waking dreams', and I'm really curious if other people experience the same.
Also *love* that feeling of connection you have to other high people when you're high, and how you can just feel that some people are on a level with you, without having to speak to each other!
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_ecstasy
substancecode_mdma
substancecode_empathogens
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
roacode_oral
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MDMA can be pretty special, as long as you don't do it too often.