MDMA Trip Report
(Just FYI: I might post this on several sites where I'm a member)
It's Monday, 3 days out from my first MDMA experience, and I think I'm finally ready write this report.
Background:
I'm an experienced opiate user, various pharmaceuticals as well as poppy pod tea. Semi-habitual(?), two to three times a month, never developing a tolerance or dependancy. I began using opiates about 4 years ago, from being stuck in a mental run and needing to "shake up my brain." I quite enjoyed it, but after my MDMA experience I think I'm realizing that I'm bored with them.
I received the MDMA about 4 months ago, I had never had interest in it, writing it off as some sort of neo hippy nonsense. But I had an opportunity, so I grabbed it, and planned to used it "soon." Needed to shake up my brain again. I kept planning to use it for the weekend, kept reading and rereading all the info on sites like Bluelight and Erowid every weekend, and repeatedly chickened out. Was never "the right time." But this last weekend, for whatever reason, was going to BE the right time.
The pills I got were "Yellow Triforce" from the Netherlands. By all accounts and tests a potent, pure product, approx 200mg per pill. I tend to be stimulant sensitive so I figured 1/2 a pill would be a good strong first dose. I came home to and empty house. So far, no excuses. I did my exercise routine and took a shower, waiting for an excuse to walk through the door, to no avail. I was alone, well rested, and mentally prepared, with an empty stomach. At 9:30pm, with a shaky hand I break the pill in half and swallow it down. I write my "just in case note" in case anything happens to me (substance ingested, dosage, time, intent). I'm literally shaking now with anticipation, I almost enjoy the fear. I haven't tried any new substance since my awful experience with JWH-018 several years ago (reported on this site). I'm in a drug oriented chat room, explain that I just took my first dose of MDMA, and they give me a few music suggestions that will prove to be exceptional.
(Now, I'm aware that MDMA is typically a social drug, but I like to do these things alone so I can have a full understanding of what's happening to me. Plus, my best hope is for a therapeutic experience. I know it's a bad idea to do new drugs alone, but several understanding friends are just a phone call away in case I need to pull the rip-chord.)
The come up:
Maybe 40 minutes has gone by. I'm feeling something but at this point it's just the adrenaline. And then... and then... oh my god... I think I'm going to die... I regret this... What did I do to myself... make it stop... I feel that sense of panic that you feel when you get in a roller coaster for the first time and they strap you in, then it begins... and you can't go back or stop it. I put the music on and I lie supine on my bedroom floor with eyes closed. Slight nausea; head feels uncomfortable. And suddenly, I'm melting, literally melting into the floor. I cannot feel my arms and legs, in the best way possible. The nausea passes quickly. I have no idea how long this lasts, but eventually I feel leveled off and I sit up, in a lotus position. I can barely swallow my water. My desire was for an introspective session, to know myself better. After a short period I realize that I cannot sit still, I feel compelled to move my body.
The high:
At this point I take a look in the mirror, I have very light eyes, but tonight they are black. No iris left. "Holy shit" I say out loud. I feel like I have control of my body again. I rejoin the chat, it's a video chat and I feel compelled to get on the camera, to commune with the few people I have near me. I am compelled to talk about what I'm doing. These people will be my best friends for the next few hours.
I look at myself on camera, I have what can only be referred to as a shit-eating grin on my face. Wasn't even aware. My best friends are laughing and cheering as I explain that this is my first roll. I'm showing them my pupils and they love it. I love it, I'm part of the group. I typically have near crippling social anxiety, even in a channel like this; I'm preoccupied with being accepted, but not tonight. I either don't care, or just assume that they are accepting me the way I am accepting them. I have never felt this way before.
The webcam provides a very interesting bit of feedback when I pay attention to it. Maybe that's a plus for my first time. I noticed that I'm swaying to the music, by body is writhing (the following day on of my "best friends" will explain that I was "moving like a snake for 4 hours). I FEEL the music. I'm hot, I take of my shirt. I'm still hot, I change into a pair of briefs. It's suggested that I dance a bit, and I DO. Keeping in mind that I do not and cannot dance, never wanted to, never felt compelled to, felt insanely stupid at any attempt, I feel freed, and I just move pathetically to the music. I don't care how it looks.
I realize I was just dancing on camera wearing as little clothes as possible, yet I felt no shame. As I sit I'm swaying, writing, and touching my body, yet I feel no sexual urges. There is nothing sexual, just my best friends in the whole world. There are women in the chat room, I'm blurting things to them, then offering half assed apologies because at least there's a part of me that knows it's not acceptable to make women uncomfortable (reality: maybe this is the voice in my head that constantly whispers "you are foul, you are vile, you are disgusting, no women would ever be attracted to you."). Regardless, what I'm saying isn't sexual or violent, I just keep saying things like "you are so pretty, your face is so cute, I can't stand it" over and over again. They've done the drug. They understand. They forgive me. They know me. I spill my guts about my life and my relationship, all while writhing.
I cannot stop flexing my muscles, I put on a bodybuilder type show, to much laughter. I am not a bodybuilder, but I can't stop flexing my muscles.
I text a friend:
"Guess what I did?"
"Called off your marriage?"
"Nope!"
"Took some drugs."
"Yep" (Picture of my dilated pupils and grinning face)
"OMG go to a hospital"
"Nope, it's safe, I feel safe, I'm great! Be happy!"
"What did you take?"
"MDMA"
"That's SO DANGEROUS!"
"How? It's unadulterated product!"
"holes in your brain"
At this point I'm laughing too hard to respond. Holes in your brain. Right.
My roommates come home. I feel both compelled to run out and explain what I'm doing, mixed with the familiar need to keep it private. I go with the latter. Quickly go out and have a short convo while filling my water bottle, I'm averting my eyes. It's pretty dim in there anyway. Nothing suspected. I'm safe. The private rave continues. He wouldn't have cared anyway.
This continues for pretty much the duration of the high. Laughing, dancing, moving, I promised to show my ass on camera in exchange for a smile from the prettiest girl in the room. It works; she smiles; I show; I feel no shame. At the same time, my inner narrative is never gone. I still feel a general sense of control over the experience, but at the same time, I feel free. I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, like chains that bind my hands and feet have been unshackled for the first time in my life.
The Comedown:
Later into the evening, a few folks have left the chat. It's getting late. Folks are asking me if I'm coming down yet. Nah, I still feel GREAT... wait, what's this? What is happening? The high wears off at an alarming rate (I'm used to opiates which just gradually taper for hours). So THIS is what they are talking about. It's not exactly pleasent, but it's nothing like the debilitating crash I had initially feared. It was a combination of two feelings: a touch of sadness that the incredible experience was over, and a feeling of mild, inarticulate annoyance. This lasts all of ten minutes. I force down a small handful of cheerios, and then I'm feeling pretty damn great again. The good outweighed the bad by several tons. I stay up for a little longer, hoping to still have some fun, still feeling stimulated, but it's gone. The night is over, it's time for bed. It's almost 5am.
The After effects:
I cannot really call what followed "sleep," but I certainly wasn't awake, either. It was restless, and to be honest, I expected this; MDMA is a powerful stimulant. I awoke every couple hours to urinate, which I'm extremely thankful for (I've read stories of bed-pissing, no fun). Finally at around 2pm, I arise fully, though not well rested. Muscles are sore and stiff, like I just ran a marathon. Expected.
When I wake up, my first thought is that I want to get back on the chat and talk to my best friends again. I make a cup of tea (I'm not hungry), and get back online. Most of the folks are there; we're those people. They are asking me how I feel, how the comedown was, I'm telling them great/minimal. They are explaining that a second comedown sometimes happens days later pretty hard (they will be proven right, I think). They say it's normal not to be hungry at all, that my appetite will return.
I try to watch television, I try to read, I try to play a video game, and none of these things can hold my attention. They are boring and stupid. I have to force myself to do a few household chores, but mostly I just want to chat with these people. I keep gushing about the previous night and they are completely understanding, which I still appreciate because of how annoying I know I can be.
Evening rolls around, I finally get hungry and get a veggie burrito, and it is by far the most delicious this piece of food has ever tasted. The night drags on, some of my best friends are getting drugs, I should join them. At this point I do something I now regret. In some vain attempt to recapture the communal feeling of the previous night, I take a small dose of oxycodone. I didn't REALLY want to, I wanted to ride my afterglow. No one even pushed me to do it, not sure why I did. It felt ok, but not great. We chat, it's slow. I'm finally able to watch TV, to play a video game. Later into the evening, as the oxy is coming off it's peak, I feel very, very sad. I'm sitting very still, sort of hunched over, feeling inexplicably sad (I don't know if this would have happened without the oxy, which is why I now wish I hadn't taken it, I should have rode out the MDMA after effects). I realize something: I am a profoundly lonely person. I'm in no position to be lonely, but I am; I feel isolated from the friends and family I have right around me. This is a stark realization about myself and though I was feeling down, I'm glad to have realized it.
Sunday, I feel almost normal again. I spend time with my fiancé and my dog, we go to dinner at my parents house. I take my dog out for a run and swim with her in the pool. My fiancé seems distant in some way, angry, annoyed, I can't place it. But not happy. We are connected by cuddling but distant emotionally. I'm still feeling good on a fundamental level.
That evening, I spend some more time in the chat, just because, but at this point, I'm not on drugs, and some of the old familiar hangups have returned. Why am I not spending time with my best friend in the other room? Good by best friends, it's time for some human connection. I want to tell him what I did on Friday, but I can't muster the courage; I don't want him to worry. This is why I feel so lonely. We watch the Mars Rover land, live on our television. It is amazing.
Today, throughout the day, I'm having further realizations about myself, mostly about my hang-ups, because I for once have an experience in my head of what it feels like to not have those hang ups. I am ashamed of my body in virtually every way, I am desperately afraid that I won't be accepted into any group, including ones to which I obviously belong. I should probably talk to a therapist.
Overall, I would consider this to be a 100% positive experience, even the stark realizations that have resulted from it. I've been more social and positive at work, whereas I used to be annoyed by my co-workers. I don't feel a hint of impatience and my growing workload. I feel more motivated to exercise than ever.
In fact, this was such a positive experience that I'm a bit frightened. I was very, very tempted to do it again on Sunday night, more tempted to take than I've ever been with any opiate. I want to wait at least a week, potentially two, before even considering another roll, for both physical and psychological reasons. I'm fearful for a few reasons, I've heard folks say that the first time is the most magical, and I fear the disappointment of the next time not being as fun. I'm afraid too much will damage my serotonin system. I don't want to be caught in a loop of forever chasing that first, magic experience, only to be let down again and again. Either way, I've got 11 doses left, time on my hands, and as I said... I'm lonely... and it felt so good to be momentarily free.
(Just FYI: I might post this on several sites where I'm a member)
It's Monday, 3 days out from my first MDMA experience, and I think I'm finally ready write this report.
Background:
I'm an experienced opiate user, various pharmaceuticals as well as poppy pod tea. Semi-habitual(?), two to three times a month, never developing a tolerance or dependancy. I began using opiates about 4 years ago, from being stuck in a mental run and needing to "shake up my brain." I quite enjoyed it, but after my MDMA experience I think I'm realizing that I'm bored with them.
I received the MDMA about 4 months ago, I had never had interest in it, writing it off as some sort of neo hippy nonsense. But I had an opportunity, so I grabbed it, and planned to used it "soon." Needed to shake up my brain again. I kept planning to use it for the weekend, kept reading and rereading all the info on sites like Bluelight and Erowid every weekend, and repeatedly chickened out. Was never "the right time." But this last weekend, for whatever reason, was going to BE the right time.
The pills I got were "Yellow Triforce" from the Netherlands. By all accounts and tests a potent, pure product, approx 200mg per pill. I tend to be stimulant sensitive so I figured 1/2 a pill would be a good strong first dose. I came home to and empty house. So far, no excuses. I did my exercise routine and took a shower, waiting for an excuse to walk through the door, to no avail. I was alone, well rested, and mentally prepared, with an empty stomach. At 9:30pm, with a shaky hand I break the pill in half and swallow it down. I write my "just in case note" in case anything happens to me (substance ingested, dosage, time, intent). I'm literally shaking now with anticipation, I almost enjoy the fear. I haven't tried any new substance since my awful experience with JWH-018 several years ago (reported on this site). I'm in a drug oriented chat room, explain that I just took my first dose of MDMA, and they give me a few music suggestions that will prove to be exceptional.
(Now, I'm aware that MDMA is typically a social drug, but I like to do these things alone so I can have a full understanding of what's happening to me. Plus, my best hope is for a therapeutic experience. I know it's a bad idea to do new drugs alone, but several understanding friends are just a phone call away in case I need to pull the rip-chord.)
The come up:
Maybe 40 minutes has gone by. I'm feeling something but at this point it's just the adrenaline. And then... and then... oh my god... I think I'm going to die... I regret this... What did I do to myself... make it stop... I feel that sense of panic that you feel when you get in a roller coaster for the first time and they strap you in, then it begins... and you can't go back or stop it. I put the music on and I lie supine on my bedroom floor with eyes closed. Slight nausea; head feels uncomfortable. And suddenly, I'm melting, literally melting into the floor. I cannot feel my arms and legs, in the best way possible. The nausea passes quickly. I have no idea how long this lasts, but eventually I feel leveled off and I sit up, in a lotus position. I can barely swallow my water. My desire was for an introspective session, to know myself better. After a short period I realize that I cannot sit still, I feel compelled to move my body.
The high:
At this point I take a look in the mirror, I have very light eyes, but tonight they are black. No iris left. "Holy shit" I say out loud. I feel like I have control of my body again. I rejoin the chat, it's a video chat and I feel compelled to get on the camera, to commune with the few people I have near me. I am compelled to talk about what I'm doing. These people will be my best friends for the next few hours.
I look at myself on camera, I have what can only be referred to as a shit-eating grin on my face. Wasn't even aware. My best friends are laughing and cheering as I explain that this is my first roll. I'm showing them my pupils and they love it. I love it, I'm part of the group. I typically have near crippling social anxiety, even in a channel like this; I'm preoccupied with being accepted, but not tonight. I either don't care, or just assume that they are accepting me the way I am accepting them. I have never felt this way before.
The webcam provides a very interesting bit of feedback when I pay attention to it. Maybe that's a plus for my first time. I noticed that I'm swaying to the music, by body is writhing (the following day on of my "best friends" will explain that I was "moving like a snake for 4 hours). I FEEL the music. I'm hot, I take of my shirt. I'm still hot, I change into a pair of briefs. It's suggested that I dance a bit, and I DO. Keeping in mind that I do not and cannot dance, never wanted to, never felt compelled to, felt insanely stupid at any attempt, I feel freed, and I just move pathetically to the music. I don't care how it looks.
I realize I was just dancing on camera wearing as little clothes as possible, yet I felt no shame. As I sit I'm swaying, writing, and touching my body, yet I feel no sexual urges. There is nothing sexual, just my best friends in the whole world. There are women in the chat room, I'm blurting things to them, then offering half assed apologies because at least there's a part of me that knows it's not acceptable to make women uncomfortable (reality: maybe this is the voice in my head that constantly whispers "you are foul, you are vile, you are disgusting, no women would ever be attracted to you."). Regardless, what I'm saying isn't sexual or violent, I just keep saying things like "you are so pretty, your face is so cute, I can't stand it" over and over again. They've done the drug. They understand. They forgive me. They know me. I spill my guts about my life and my relationship, all while writhing.
I cannot stop flexing my muscles, I put on a bodybuilder type show, to much laughter. I am not a bodybuilder, but I can't stop flexing my muscles.
I text a friend:
"Guess what I did?"
"Called off your marriage?"
"Nope!"
"Took some drugs."
"Yep" (Picture of my dilated pupils and grinning face)
"OMG go to a hospital"
"Nope, it's safe, I feel safe, I'm great! Be happy!"
"What did you take?"
"MDMA"
"That's SO DANGEROUS!"
"How? It's unadulterated product!"
"holes in your brain"
At this point I'm laughing too hard to respond. Holes in your brain. Right.
My roommates come home. I feel both compelled to run out and explain what I'm doing, mixed with the familiar need to keep it private. I go with the latter. Quickly go out and have a short convo while filling my water bottle, I'm averting my eyes. It's pretty dim in there anyway. Nothing suspected. I'm safe. The private rave continues. He wouldn't have cared anyway.
This continues for pretty much the duration of the high. Laughing, dancing, moving, I promised to show my ass on camera in exchange for a smile from the prettiest girl in the room. It works; she smiles; I show; I feel no shame. At the same time, my inner narrative is never gone. I still feel a general sense of control over the experience, but at the same time, I feel free. I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, like chains that bind my hands and feet have been unshackled for the first time in my life.
The Comedown:
Later into the evening, a few folks have left the chat. It's getting late. Folks are asking me if I'm coming down yet. Nah, I still feel GREAT... wait, what's this? What is happening? The high wears off at an alarming rate (I'm used to opiates which just gradually taper for hours). So THIS is what they are talking about. It's not exactly pleasent, but it's nothing like the debilitating crash I had initially feared. It was a combination of two feelings: a touch of sadness that the incredible experience was over, and a feeling of mild, inarticulate annoyance. This lasts all of ten minutes. I force down a small handful of cheerios, and then I'm feeling pretty damn great again. The good outweighed the bad by several tons. I stay up for a little longer, hoping to still have some fun, still feeling stimulated, but it's gone. The night is over, it's time for bed. It's almost 5am.
The After effects:
I cannot really call what followed "sleep," but I certainly wasn't awake, either. It was restless, and to be honest, I expected this; MDMA is a powerful stimulant. I awoke every couple hours to urinate, which I'm extremely thankful for (I've read stories of bed-pissing, no fun). Finally at around 2pm, I arise fully, though not well rested. Muscles are sore and stiff, like I just ran a marathon. Expected.
When I wake up, my first thought is that I want to get back on the chat and talk to my best friends again. I make a cup of tea (I'm not hungry), and get back online. Most of the folks are there; we're those people. They are asking me how I feel, how the comedown was, I'm telling them great/minimal. They are explaining that a second comedown sometimes happens days later pretty hard (they will be proven right, I think). They say it's normal not to be hungry at all, that my appetite will return.
I try to watch television, I try to read, I try to play a video game, and none of these things can hold my attention. They are boring and stupid. I have to force myself to do a few household chores, but mostly I just want to chat with these people. I keep gushing about the previous night and they are completely understanding, which I still appreciate because of how annoying I know I can be.
Evening rolls around, I finally get hungry and get a veggie burrito, and it is by far the most delicious this piece of food has ever tasted. The night drags on, some of my best friends are getting drugs, I should join them. At this point I do something I now regret. In some vain attempt to recapture the communal feeling of the previous night, I take a small dose of oxycodone. I didn't REALLY want to, I wanted to ride my afterglow. No one even pushed me to do it, not sure why I did. It felt ok, but not great. We chat, it's slow. I'm finally able to watch TV, to play a video game. Later into the evening, as the oxy is coming off it's peak, I feel very, very sad. I'm sitting very still, sort of hunched over, feeling inexplicably sad (I don't know if this would have happened without the oxy, which is why I now wish I hadn't taken it, I should have rode out the MDMA after effects). I realize something: I am a profoundly lonely person. I'm in no position to be lonely, but I am; I feel isolated from the friends and family I have right around me. This is a stark realization about myself and though I was feeling down, I'm glad to have realized it.
Sunday, I feel almost normal again. I spend time with my fiancé and my dog, we go to dinner at my parents house. I take my dog out for a run and swim with her in the pool. My fiancé seems distant in some way, angry, annoyed, I can't place it. But not happy. We are connected by cuddling but distant emotionally. I'm still feeling good on a fundamental level.
That evening, I spend some more time in the chat, just because, but at this point, I'm not on drugs, and some of the old familiar hangups have returned. Why am I not spending time with my best friend in the other room? Good by best friends, it's time for some human connection. I want to tell him what I did on Friday, but I can't muster the courage; I don't want him to worry. This is why I feel so lonely. We watch the Mars Rover land, live on our television. It is amazing.
Today, throughout the day, I'm having further realizations about myself, mostly about my hang-ups, because I for once have an experience in my head of what it feels like to not have those hang ups. I am ashamed of my body in virtually every way, I am desperately afraid that I won't be accepted into any group, including ones to which I obviously belong. I should probably talk to a therapist.
Overall, I would consider this to be a 100% positive experience, even the stark realizations that have resulted from it. I've been more social and positive at work, whereas I used to be annoyed by my co-workers. I don't feel a hint of impatience and my growing workload. I feel more motivated to exercise than ever.
In fact, this was such a positive experience that I'm a bit frightened. I was very, very tempted to do it again on Sunday night, more tempted to take than I've ever been with any opiate. I want to wait at least a week, potentially two, before even considering another roll, for both physical and psychological reasons. I'm fearful for a few reasons, I've heard folks say that the first time is the most magical, and I fear the disappointment of the next time not being as fun. I'm afraid too much will damage my serotonin system. I don't want to be caught in a loop of forever chasing that first, magic experience, only to be let down again and again. Either way, I've got 11 doses left, time on my hands, and as I said... I'm lonely... and it felt so good to be momentarily free.
