I am, for the most part, a positive person by nature. I've never really seen the glass as half empty or half full, but wondered what I could do to fill it to the top. I've always looked for positive things in bad situations. I've always put on a happy face, even when I was hurting. And now all of that positivity is slipping away from me... and I honestly don't know what it is.
I suppose it could be a few different things. I'm having at least one problem in each area of my life. Literally. Family life, relationships, career, finances, school, my health, problems I have with myself, the military, other shit from my past, you name it. Alone, none of this seems insurmountable. But added together, I don't know... maybe the combination of it all has me stressed to the max, and now it's hard to stay positive about anything. Because lately I feel like I've just be going through the motions, faking emotions (I don't like people asking me if I'm okay or what's wrong, because I don't think it's sincere for one and for two, I don't want to be burdening the people I know and love with my problems). Life feels empty. Meaningless. Like what's the point since we're all going to die anyways, it's not like any of it matters. But still, I'd LIKE to make the most of it while I'm here. Life just makes it nearly fucking impossible sometimes. My motto: If you don't like something, either change it, or adapt. But with some of this shit, that's not even possible.
To begin with, my family. No where to even start with this, there's so many damn problems. EVERYONE has their issues - my mom, dad, brother, myself - and they all chash with everyone else's. I tried typing all out, but it was too long. I might do a follow up blog soon. I've tried to fix things soo many times... but it's such a toxic environment. it makes me feel smothered. I NEED to get out of here and just move out, but that's not possible for me right now because of my current financial situation. So for now, I just have to deal. But it's hard, I constantly feel tense and on edge around here.
I don't know. I just wish this empty, depressing, everything is meaningless feeling would go away. I hate it. I guess what it all boils down to is loneliness, I suppose. But I don't have the stamina to type everything out right now, running out of steam. Maybe later...
I suppose it could be a few different things. I'm having at least one problem in each area of my life. Literally. Family life, relationships, career, finances, school, my health, problems I have with myself, the military, other shit from my past, you name it. Alone, none of this seems insurmountable. But added together, I don't know... maybe the combination of it all has me stressed to the max, and now it's hard to stay positive about anything. Because lately I feel like I've just be going through the motions, faking emotions (I don't like people asking me if I'm okay or what's wrong, because I don't think it's sincere for one and for two, I don't want to be burdening the people I know and love with my problems). Life feels empty. Meaningless. Like what's the point since we're all going to die anyways, it's not like any of it matters. But still, I'd LIKE to make the most of it while I'm here. Life just makes it nearly fucking impossible sometimes. My motto: If you don't like something, either change it, or adapt. But with some of this shit, that's not even possible.
To begin with, my family. No where to even start with this, there's so many damn problems. EVERYONE has their issues - my mom, dad, brother, myself - and they all chash with everyone else's. I tried typing all out, but it was too long. I might do a follow up blog soon. I've tried to fix things soo many times... but it's such a toxic environment. it makes me feel smothered. I NEED to get out of here and just move out, but that's not possible for me right now because of my current financial situation. So for now, I just have to deal. But it's hard, I constantly feel tense and on edge around here.
I don't know. I just wish this empty, depressing, everything is meaningless feeling would go away. I hate it. I guess what it all boils down to is loneliness, I suppose. But I don't have the stamina to type everything out right now, running out of steam. Maybe later...
