Since I'm in one of those strange moods.
Like, where you're sort of so overwhelmed and there's just SO MUCH going on, that it almost becomes too much and you don't know what to make of it all? And your mind just sort of shuts off and becomes numb in a way?
Yeah, that's how I feel right now. Probably not the best time for my first blog, since I have so much to say but no way to say it. Each area of my life is a whole blog on it's own. There is no way I could manage to organize all of my thoughts on one blog. In order to sift through the way I'm feeling and actually figure shit out, I'd have to focus on one area at a time and write everything out and then analyze it in minute detail... and I am far too impatient to do that right now. Maybe tomorrow or the next day or even later today, who knows. Maybe if I just do one thing at a time instead of trying to focus on everything at once? Who knows...
Blah it's just everything. School. Career. Finances. Family. Interpersonal relationships. Love (though love lost is more like it). Addiction. Anxiety/PTSD. Myself (I'm 100% content with the way I look and my body for the most part, it's just character flaws I'm thinking of that I want to fix, but don't quite know how.) Shit from my past, I know there are triggers but it's always the most random things and at the most random times. Ugh... just EV.ER.Y.THING.
I'm beyond frustrated right now, I don't even. And at the same time, I don't even know what there is to complain about... I know I have a fresh start in many areas, and could create a fresh start in the rest if I had the means to and I knew how... but it's like I have all these demons haunting me. Holding me back somehow. And the worst part is, is that I know I have SO much more to offer as far as life and personal relationships- both romantic and otherwise - and school and just the world in general, than I'm actually putting in. I know this isn't making sense to whoever might be reading this by the way, but I'm not really worried about that since it's my blog and it makes sense to meand that's all that matters. Plus I wouldn't be capable of organizing my thoughts even if I tried at this point.
Where was I? Right. So I know I have all this shit to offer. And as far as my PTSD/anxiety and the things from my past go and my character flaws and my addiction, I know I have the means to fix it. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT MOVING ALONG. And it's freaking FRUSTRATING. It's like I make progress... and then I just get stuck. I feel like I'm moving forward in certain areas, but it's still not enough... and then in other areas, I feel like I'm just taking ten steps back. Like with my addiction... I mean, I'm currently in treatment... but all the stress I've been under, it's just making it worse. I'm taking more of my xanax than I should, I upped my dose of Suboxone even though I'm not supposed to, and I think I would probably do just about anything at this point for ONE day of an opiate-induced frame of mind. I was always the most productive on opiates. Wasn't always that way... but then shit happened... and suddenly opiates were the only thing that could get me motivated to improve my life. Ironic, eh? Idk I'm just having the worst cravings right now. And a lot of it is just because I want to make some sort of progress. Seriously when I was on opiates, I was on a roll... I was doing great in school, had a wonderful boyfriend, doing great in my career, personal relationships, no anxiety or PTSD or things from my past popping up at random times... everything was almost perfect. What the hell happened to that?
Oh, right. I went on Suboxone and everything turned to shit. THAT'S what happened to that.
I am in no way living up to my full potential. I know this, and yet I just. can't. seem. to fix it. Or like, I just don't even know where to start.
K I have no idea where I'm going with this, my mind is a mess. Maybe I'll write another blog later, just focusing on one area of my life... see if I can put it into perspective and figure out a few ways to make things better... improve them in some way... but I don't quite have the focus to do that at this very moment.
So I guess I'll end this here.
Hah. What a waste of blog space.
Like, where you're sort of so overwhelmed and there's just SO MUCH going on, that it almost becomes too much and you don't know what to make of it all? And your mind just sort of shuts off and becomes numb in a way?
Yeah, that's how I feel right now. Probably not the best time for my first blog, since I have so much to say but no way to say it. Each area of my life is a whole blog on it's own. There is no way I could manage to organize all of my thoughts on one blog. In order to sift through the way I'm feeling and actually figure shit out, I'd have to focus on one area at a time and write everything out and then analyze it in minute detail... and I am far too impatient to do that right now. Maybe tomorrow or the next day or even later today, who knows. Maybe if I just do one thing at a time instead of trying to focus on everything at once? Who knows...
Blah it's just everything. School. Career. Finances. Family. Interpersonal relationships. Love (though love lost is more like it). Addiction. Anxiety/PTSD. Myself (I'm 100% content with the way I look and my body for the most part, it's just character flaws I'm thinking of that I want to fix, but don't quite know how.) Shit from my past, I know there are triggers but it's always the most random things and at the most random times. Ugh... just EV.ER.Y.THING.
I'm beyond frustrated right now, I don't even. And at the same time, I don't even know what there is to complain about... I know I have a fresh start in many areas, and could create a fresh start in the rest if I had the means to and I knew how... but it's like I have all these demons haunting me. Holding me back somehow. And the worst part is, is that I know I have SO much more to offer as far as life and personal relationships- both romantic and otherwise - and school and just the world in general, than I'm actually putting in. I know this isn't making sense to whoever might be reading this by the way, but I'm not really worried about that since it's my blog and it makes sense to meand that's all that matters. Plus I wouldn't be capable of organizing my thoughts even if I tried at this point.
Where was I? Right. So I know I have all this shit to offer. And as far as my PTSD/anxiety and the things from my past go and my character flaws and my addiction, I know I have the means to fix it. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT MOVING ALONG. And it's freaking FRUSTRATING. It's like I make progress... and then I just get stuck. I feel like I'm moving forward in certain areas, but it's still not enough... and then in other areas, I feel like I'm just taking ten steps back. Like with my addiction... I mean, I'm currently in treatment... but all the stress I've been under, it's just making it worse. I'm taking more of my xanax than I should, I upped my dose of Suboxone even though I'm not supposed to, and I think I would probably do just about anything at this point for ONE day of an opiate-induced frame of mind. I was always the most productive on opiates. Wasn't always that way... but then shit happened... and suddenly opiates were the only thing that could get me motivated to improve my life. Ironic, eh? Idk I'm just having the worst cravings right now. And a lot of it is just because I want to make some sort of progress. Seriously when I was on opiates, I was on a roll... I was doing great in school, had a wonderful boyfriend, doing great in my career, personal relationships, no anxiety or PTSD or things from my past popping up at random times... everything was almost perfect. What the hell happened to that?
Oh, right. I went on Suboxone and everything turned to shit. THAT'S what happened to that.
I am in no way living up to my full potential. I know this, and yet I just. can't. seem. to fix it. Or like, I just don't even know where to start.
K I have no idea where I'm going with this, my mind is a mess. Maybe I'll write another blog later, just focusing on one area of my life... see if I can put it into perspective and figure out a few ways to make things better... improve them in some way... but I don't quite have the focus to do that at this very moment.
So I guess I'll end this here.
Hah. What a waste of blog space.
