MyDoorsAreOpen
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2003
- Messages
- 8,542
I've been in bad shape mental health wise recently. And as this has been the first day I've had with absolutely jack to do in a long time, seems proper that this would be the day I'd sort out a lot of shit I've had simmering in the back of my mind for some time.
I woke up at 9:00AM. My wife had already left for work. It was beautiful outside, and I felt great to have slept, having spent about the past 2.5 days doing nothing but cramming and taking a big test. Been bummed ever since, becuse I know I didn't do well on it.
I didn't eat anything the whole morning. No coffee. No supplements. No water, even. No music on. Just reading webpages, kind of aimlessly. One memorable one that stuck in my memory and made me feel defensive was a psychological paper about 'ideas of reference'. (I took umbrage to the paper, because I related to some of the symptoms they describe, and I don't consider these thought patterns indicative of any mental pathology.)
Finally around noon, I was in a highly depressive and slightly delusional state from fasting, and I knew it was my time to leave the house. I smoked a one-hitter, and got on my bike. I was going to get a cup of coffee, because mine had run out. On the way, my eye was drawn to little signs of spring everywhere. But there were ominous undulations running through it all. The gray tree branches and the dark clouds made me feel like a Tim Burton movie character.
But I steadied myself with the knowledge that at the end of this road lay coffee, and that was all that mattered. I thought back to a really good essay I'd once read by a former Catholic priest (monk perhaps?), who once fasted for two days, and was driven to a mystical state when at last, overcome with despair, he reached for a simple piece of bread and a cup of black coffee, and felt them coursing through him. The essay was about drugs and his experiences with them, and he speculated how much his mind might have been blown if he'd instead reached for peyote. Regardless, I remembered reading that article, and how much I wanted someday to try fasting for spiritual purposes, and then breaking it with a cup of black coffee and then a simple meal. I didn't have multiple days to fast, so one morning would have to do
I went to one gas station, at this point pretty baked but not yet hungry, and turned around at the door when I realized that no, this wasn't the place I'd imagined going to, the place I liked a bit more. Both places had fresh coffee of course. But by this point I was feeling batshit insane.
But no, I was destined to go that route. Because at the gas station, I overheard two old men conversing in a thick local dialect, and realized got back in touch with my small town roots for a moment, which is a part of me I'd always pushed away. I also was forced to pass a really cheap eatery that smelled really good, and realized that in days past, I might have gone in for a $5 pork chop meal and a pint of beer by myself, but now I was not inclined to do this, because I'm further along toward understanding that these are the kinds of experiences best shared with others.
I quickly ended up at the little old 'familiar local' convenience store I liked, with a warm faded Coca-Cola sign and a lot of character. I got coffee -- just 12oz. I realized I often go too far with caffeine, and now realize that I can't balance a heavy marijuana habit with over the top stimulant use, no way no how. I remember feeling a little paranoid that some local dudes hanging out outside the store might steal my unlocked bike, but then I remembered I was in a small town, and the likelihood was low. Parked it visible to through the door anyway.
Going home I was holding the coffee with one hand, so I was extra careful, and that manifested itself as me temporarily turning into a prig about traffic rules. I stopped to let a few passengers cross a crosswalk, and beamed about it. I pressed the crosswalk button and waited for the little man to light up. I even looked both ways as I crossed the train tracks. I reflect on the possibility that I often ride without a helmet when I'm feeling self-loathing.
So I get up to the porch and take my mail. The first item is my wife's paycheck. I see her married name on it. I feel a wave of apology toward her for getting her dragged into a mess like me. Then I realize that she has a family history of mental problems, and she probably would judge me for losing it all ever now and then.
My porch has a lawnchair and a radio, and nothing more. I sit on the lawnchair and sip my coffee. Sure enough, this is where things start to get intense. I don't turn the radio on. I just hear the natural sounds of the river, and the street, come at me. I sit motionless in the lawnchair as the caffeine takes effect, and stare at the slowly flowing, swollen river behind my house, cutting a wide path through the gray barren early springtime trees.
And then my vision distorts. I notice changes in the contours of things, and find I can slow down the flow of the river with my will. I focus my gaze on a child's ball in the yard, and just let things slide around and shimmer in my field of view. It's like taking little pieces of a picture and sliding them around. It was sort of like taking a photoshop to reality. I lapsed into this trance, which was pretty similar to how I feel when I meditate, where I felt my body melt away, and for a moment, was big as the universe and tiny as an elementary particle at the same time. I could still see my body in my lower peripheral field of vision, but that didn't matter, because although I am temporarily [MyDoorsAreOpen], in the grand scheme of things, I was indeed big as the universe and tiny as an elementary particle. I took this further, and decided to let my thoughts play themselves out and quiet down, like a dying fire. At first I was flooded with random memories which influenced the way the sun played with the shadows and hues in my vision, but gradually lent themselves to a state of not only non-thought but complete non-doing. I was just universe looking at universe.
I don't really know how long I remained in this state. But gradually I came out of it, and knew it was time to go in and eat the bread. It being Passover, my mother in law sent a few boxes of matzo crackers to us. So I broke one apart and ate it, plain. And this is where, at last, I felt at ease, and knew everything would most likely be OK.
I've since been eating peanut butter with my second matzo, and am still feeling the effects of the marijuana and the coffee, but I'm a lot more 'attached', I guess you could say. I'm closer to forgiving myself for being academically stupid and not leaving enough time to study.
I have music on and will soon do some things I've been meaning to do. I feel remarkably unfazed by what, from the looks of it, is an extraordinary experience. I feel that it's a familiar place I visited, that I'd been before and have thought about on many more occasions, and that I could easily visit again.
I guess it's back to action, then.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_marijuana
substancecode_cannabis
explevel_veryexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
I woke up at 9:00AM. My wife had already left for work. It was beautiful outside, and I felt great to have slept, having spent about the past 2.5 days doing nothing but cramming and taking a big test. Been bummed ever since, becuse I know I didn't do well on it.
I didn't eat anything the whole morning. No coffee. No supplements. No water, even. No music on. Just reading webpages, kind of aimlessly. One memorable one that stuck in my memory and made me feel defensive was a psychological paper about 'ideas of reference'. (I took umbrage to the paper, because I related to some of the symptoms they describe, and I don't consider these thought patterns indicative of any mental pathology.)
Finally around noon, I was in a highly depressive and slightly delusional state from fasting, and I knew it was my time to leave the house. I smoked a one-hitter, and got on my bike. I was going to get a cup of coffee, because mine had run out. On the way, my eye was drawn to little signs of spring everywhere. But there were ominous undulations running through it all. The gray tree branches and the dark clouds made me feel like a Tim Burton movie character.
But I steadied myself with the knowledge that at the end of this road lay coffee, and that was all that mattered. I thought back to a really good essay I'd once read by a former Catholic priest (monk perhaps?), who once fasted for two days, and was driven to a mystical state when at last, overcome with despair, he reached for a simple piece of bread and a cup of black coffee, and felt them coursing through him. The essay was about drugs and his experiences with them, and he speculated how much his mind might have been blown if he'd instead reached for peyote. Regardless, I remembered reading that article, and how much I wanted someday to try fasting for spiritual purposes, and then breaking it with a cup of black coffee and then a simple meal. I didn't have multiple days to fast, so one morning would have to do
I went to one gas station, at this point pretty baked but not yet hungry, and turned around at the door when I realized that no, this wasn't the place I'd imagined going to, the place I liked a bit more. Both places had fresh coffee of course. But by this point I was feeling batshit insane.
But no, I was destined to go that route. Because at the gas station, I overheard two old men conversing in a thick local dialect, and realized got back in touch with my small town roots for a moment, which is a part of me I'd always pushed away. I also was forced to pass a really cheap eatery that smelled really good, and realized that in days past, I might have gone in for a $5 pork chop meal and a pint of beer by myself, but now I was not inclined to do this, because I'm further along toward understanding that these are the kinds of experiences best shared with others.
I quickly ended up at the little old 'familiar local' convenience store I liked, with a warm faded Coca-Cola sign and a lot of character. I got coffee -- just 12oz. I realized I often go too far with caffeine, and now realize that I can't balance a heavy marijuana habit with over the top stimulant use, no way no how. I remember feeling a little paranoid that some local dudes hanging out outside the store might steal my unlocked bike, but then I remembered I was in a small town, and the likelihood was low. Parked it visible to through the door anyway.
Going home I was holding the coffee with one hand, so I was extra careful, and that manifested itself as me temporarily turning into a prig about traffic rules. I stopped to let a few passengers cross a crosswalk, and beamed about it. I pressed the crosswalk button and waited for the little man to light up. I even looked both ways as I crossed the train tracks. I reflect on the possibility that I often ride without a helmet when I'm feeling self-loathing.
So I get up to the porch and take my mail. The first item is my wife's paycheck. I see her married name on it. I feel a wave of apology toward her for getting her dragged into a mess like me. Then I realize that she has a family history of mental problems, and she probably would judge me for losing it all ever now and then.
My porch has a lawnchair and a radio, and nothing more. I sit on the lawnchair and sip my coffee. Sure enough, this is where things start to get intense. I don't turn the radio on. I just hear the natural sounds of the river, and the street, come at me. I sit motionless in the lawnchair as the caffeine takes effect, and stare at the slowly flowing, swollen river behind my house, cutting a wide path through the gray barren early springtime trees.
And then my vision distorts. I notice changes in the contours of things, and find I can slow down the flow of the river with my will. I focus my gaze on a child's ball in the yard, and just let things slide around and shimmer in my field of view. It's like taking little pieces of a picture and sliding them around. It was sort of like taking a photoshop to reality. I lapsed into this trance, which was pretty similar to how I feel when I meditate, where I felt my body melt away, and for a moment, was big as the universe and tiny as an elementary particle at the same time. I could still see my body in my lower peripheral field of vision, but that didn't matter, because although I am temporarily [MyDoorsAreOpen], in the grand scheme of things, I was indeed big as the universe and tiny as an elementary particle. I took this further, and decided to let my thoughts play themselves out and quiet down, like a dying fire. At first I was flooded with random memories which influenced the way the sun played with the shadows and hues in my vision, but gradually lent themselves to a state of not only non-thought but complete non-doing. I was just universe looking at universe.
I don't really know how long I remained in this state. But gradually I came out of it, and knew it was time to go in and eat the bread. It being Passover, my mother in law sent a few boxes of matzo crackers to us. So I broke one apart and ate it, plain. And this is where, at last, I felt at ease, and knew everything would most likely be OK.
I've since been eating peanut butter with my second matzo, and am still feeling the effects of the marijuana and the coffee, but I'm a lot more 'attached', I guess you could say. I'm closer to forgiving myself for being academically stupid and not leaving enough time to study.
I have music on and will soon do some things I've been meaning to do. I feel remarkably unfazed by what, from the looks of it, is an extraordinary experience. I feel that it's a familiar place I visited, that I'd been before and have thought about on many more occasions, and that I could easily visit again.
I guess it's back to action, then.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_marijuana
substancecode_cannabis
explevel_veryexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
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