Morning started off bad. Woke up from horrible nightmare. Feeling of dread and anxiety over took me as roused from slumber. Do not remember details, only I know is lost girlfriend in nightmare. Can never escape veil of depression. Yesterday was so nice but today not good. Only fleeting moment of happiness was at work today. Was working and their was a small child in stroller. Could not help but smile at young girl and she smiled back. Do not know why but made me very happy. Rarely smile at anything anymore. Crying thinking about it. Not sure why. Mind unwinding as of late, emotions in chaos. Suboxone dose reduced again. Almost 3 weeks sober. Future still uncertain. Might check into hospital soon. Afraid as of late. If is was'nt for girlfriend and remaining family, would probably take own life. Days are getting harder and harder to endure. Not sure about anything anymore. Praying for another fleeting moment of happiness to keep me from saying fuck it. Hoping for emotional rebound of sorts by tomorrow.
Fell asleep shortly after writing above paragraph. Feeling much better now but still not great. Emotions like day and night as of late. Very stressful on the mind and body. Message on phone from person I met at NA meeting. Nice guy. Debating if I should or shouldn't call back. Do not buy into the whole NA twelve step bullshit and God shit. Could always use another friend though.
Hopefully spending time with girlfriend tomorrow. Wore track jacket of mine she wore for hours few days ago. Smells of incense. Thought of her all day.
Fell asleep shortly after writing above paragraph. Feeling much better now but still not great. Emotions like day and night as of late. Very stressful on the mind and body. Message on phone from person I met at NA meeting. Nice guy. Debating if I should or shouldn't call back. Do not buy into the whole NA twelve step bullshit and God shit. Could always use another friend though.
Hopefully spending time with girlfriend tomorrow. Wore track jacket of mine she wore for hours few days ago. Smells of incense. Thought of her all day.
but hopefully I will start this week! but I just wanna say that I wish you the BEST OF LUCK! AND KEEP GOING ! ..to the meetings and keep your sobriety! b/c that is the best thing one can accomplish being an addict!! Also, please don't think about suicide anymore, life is SOOO BEAUTIFUL once you see the good side of things ..you just have to be patient in times of depression like the paragraph before you fell asleep...eventually it goes away..like you went to sleep..and wake up and find out something beautiful ..like smelling your girlfriend's scent..so please NEVER GIVE UP!!
