Manhood & The Male Ego

[EFC18]

So I've been going through a really depressing time in this area and it's led to a lot of soul searching (but mostly self-loathing, embarrassment, sadness e.t.c)

Essentially my drug use has destroyed my capacity to have sex, not entirely, but I now need at least 2 (v. least) weeks of recovery after my benders and I haven't had more than that [a week break from stimulant use] for 22 months now. Resolving that is of course an issue unto itself and right now and for me right now.

I just have to minimise the damage to my mental wellbeing, because... and this has been the source of the "soul-searching" I mentioned, it feels as if I'd rather have drugs. It's such a difficult thing to admit to, even to yourself, and certainly not to the most affected in this situation, my poor girlfriend, who is vehemently anti-drugs. I would never admit to it, and I'm not even sure if it's true.

But how do I tell anymore?

The effects have been two fold: mentally I am exhibiting symptoms similar to meth addicts when they burn out sexually. The overstimulation of dopamine receptors in the brain (Any futher descriptions of the biological processes would be guesswork and personal theory cobbled together over hours pouring over bluelight, wiki, erowid. I am not an expert, and I don't wanna piss the experts off by butchering my explanations/analogies ) leads to an effect which FEELS like it's distinctive from the usual next day crash hangover.

Whereas then I'm was miserable and gloomy but with the potential to be cheered up now I don't enjoy doing things as much as I used to. I don't play videogames as much, I don't care about the sports team I follow, and worst of all I don't want sex.

The next aspect is much simpler, vasoconstrictions mean it's really hard to get an erection without good effort. I don't wake up horny, I don't wake up with hard-ons, I don't even masturbate really...ever. (Before I would 3,4 times day and I'd have sex with my girlfriend whenever we saw each other) so the two effects compliment each other brilliantly. When you have someone you find super attractive, who wants to fuck you badly, your fucking girlfriend/boyfriend coming onto you... I haven't had sex with her months and it's affecting her confidence - it's an awful feeling to know I'm letting her down.

I can't even hear about other people having sex because it just depresses me, makes me jealous and just reminds me of how much of a man I'm not. The worst thing is I'm 20 with a really attractive girlfriend and both of us have lots of free time. If I don't have even a functioning sex life now then how bad might it be in future? I'm in my prime yet my parents in their 50s have more fucking sex than me.

I try my utter best to create a sense of superiority. The horny masses are just debasing themselves and each other, I'm better than that, I don't need it blah blah...you can only lie to yourself for so long though. Fucking awful feeling.

Sorry for the rant - for the TL;DR's amongst u...

I'm a 20 year old male with a 19 year old girlfriend that I genuinely love and find attractive but I have no sex drive, no sex life whatsoever. I don't get hard onds, I don't think about it, I don't masturbate. Could you survive without sex whatsoever? How would your partner react [if you have one] how'd you expect them to? What do you think of me, hearing this? Do I sound relateable or just weird and a little pathetic?

Honesty appreciated Lastly what can I do, if I've tried and failed remedying the root cause and can't give up the damaging drugs?

 

[Noodle]

Lay off the drugs and try to increase your well being by increasing your regular aerobic activity.

Improve your diet.

And lastly, but not leastly, try to get some sun! ...not sure if you islanders know what that is, especially at this time of year.

I suppose you could also consider loading up on vitamin D, and then hitting up the UV lamp beds in Essex. Or something like that.

 

[Noodle]

Oh, and to answer what seems like it may be the initial question:

If I were a similarly confused and stubborn drug addled user/loser I may have a go at a mutually difficult and negative relationship with you.

Misery loves company, and mildly depressed druggies love to potentiate each others sadness, emotional instability and rampant drug abuse.

Maybe you should consider letting this I can't or don't want to rubbish go, log off, and push away from Bluelight ( and similar sites ) for a good long while.

You absolutely need to man up and break this pattern of self-deprication, habitual drug use, and rationalized habitual masochism. It just isn't sexy and it will land you in the gutter or on the dole.

 

[GenericMind]

Saying you can't give up the drugs is just an excuse to keep doing them regardless of the significantly negative impacts they're having on your life. I lot of people have felt like you feel. They've been in that same position you're in. Some have taken the steps necessary to remedy it, and some are still stuck in the same fucked up situation. If you want to feel better, regain your sex drive, regain passion in your interests, and feel physically and mentally healthier you have to get cleaner. You can analyze and self-reflect as much as you want to, but all you're doing is trying to find a path around the truth: Drugs are fucking you up and you need to stop doing them.

 

[footscrazy]

^ Well, he doesn't have to stop doing drugs, but if he wants to rectify the sexual problem it seems like the only solution.

Every choice has payoffs, EFC18. If you can't stop doing drugs, you need to accept your sex life will be unsatisfying. If you can't accept that, stop the drugs.

 

[GenericMind]

That's what I said.

 

[footscrazy]

I was just commenting on your line

You can analyze and self-reflect as much as you want to, but all you're doing is trying to find a path around the truth: Drugs are fucking you up and you need to stop doing them.

Because noone has to do anything. If you only meant that in relation to his sexual difficulties, I misinterpreted it

 

[Renz Envy]

Try supplementing tongkat ali

 

[hyroller]

a 20 year old who has already resigned themselves to a lifelong addiction?

kid, you got bigger problems than not being able to get it up...

you need to be in therapy. and pronto. I don't think anyone on BL can assist you in your current state, you know the solution to your problem yet you refuse to accept its viability, so as far as I see it, you need Help.

 

[EFC18]

Saying you can't give up the drugs is just an excuse to keep doing them regardless of the significantly negative impacts they're having on your life. I lot of people have felt like you feel. They've been in that same position you're in. Some have taken the steps necessary to remedy it, and some are still stuck in the same fucked up situation. If you want to feel better, regain your sex drive, regain passion in your interests, and feel physically and mentally healthier you have to get cleaner. You can analyze and self-reflect as much as you want to, but all you're doing is trying to find a path around the truth: Drugs are fucking you up and you need to stop doing them.

Yeah that is obvious even to me. I'm sure I admitted it straight away in my first post: the root cause is clearly drug use, and things would undoubtedly get alot better were I to cease my chronic usage, but I love them in other areas to be sotoo much to want to commit to that. The question I wanted to ask myself was whether I was really so attached that I'd let myself suffer in other ways, when the suffering has reached such a dangerous level of self-pity/self-loathing? Mostly I avoided that to wallow misreably in said self-loathing and pity.

Quite worryingly my own thought process seems determined to protect my desire for these drugs, almost subconciously it seperates it from the rest of my drives and desires, it detaches it from everything else in my mind, so that I don't or won't see the bigger picture, that sexual problems, social problems, work problems, however badly they've affected me, should never be allowed to influence my enjoyment of the drug's effects. They're seperate issues entirely.
Which is of course bullshit xD. I mean the mere fact I am openly saying that my mind serves up bullshit, feeble logic to justify continued drug use, means that it's far more the case that I won't confront it, than can't, and that's what I said was worrying. If I can recognise painfully clearly the negative effects that are spreading throughout all aspects of my life and will only worsen when I try, then all the more damning that I choose to bury my head in the sand and keep on using instead.

 

[EFC18]

Oh, and to answer what seems like it may be the initial question:

If I were a similarly confused and stubborn drug addled user/loser I may have a go at a mutually difficult and negative relationship with you.

Misery loves company, and mildly depressed druggies love to potentiate each others sadness, emotional instability and rampant drug abuse.

Maybe you should consider letting this I can't or don't want to rubbish go, log off, and push away from Bluelight ( and similar sites ) for a good long while.

You absolutely need to man up and break this pattern of self-deprication, habitual drug use, and rationalized habitual masochism. It just isn't sexy and it will land you in the gutter or on the dole.

All very valid. Thankyou Noodle

 

[GenericMind]

Yeah that is obvious even to me. I'm sure I admitted it straight away in my first post: the root cause is clearly drug use, and things would undoubtedly get alot better were I to cease my chronic usage, but I love them in other areas to be sotoo much to want to commit to that. The question I wanted to ask myself was whether I was really so attached that I'd let myself suffer in other ways, when the suffering has reached such a dangerous level of self-pity/self-loathing? Mostly I avoided that to wallow misreably in said self-loathing and pity.

Quite worryingly my own thought process seems determined to protect my desire for these drugs, almost subconciously it seperates it from the rest of my drives and desires, it detaches it from everything else in my mind, so that I don't or won't see the bigger picture, that sexual problems, social problems, work problems, however badly they've affected me, should never be allowed to influence my enjoyment of the drug's effects. They're seperate issues entirely.
Which is of course bullshit xD. I mean the mere fact I am openly saying that my mind serves up bullshit, feeble logic to justify continued drug use, means that it's far more the case that I won't confront it, than can't, and that's what I said was worrying. If I can recognise painfully clearly the negative effects that are spreading throughout all aspects of my life and will only worsen when I try, then all the more damning that I choose to bury my head in the sand and keep on using instead.

All that is pretty normal though, so it's not the end of the world. I thought the same way once. I'm sure a lot of other people here did too. Unfortunately it usually takes some critical event or breaking point where something happens or things get so bad it slaps some reality into you and don't just realize you should quit, you actually try to.

Just remember the longer you avoid it, the harder it is to dig yourself out of the hole you dug.

 

[Jblazingphoenix100]

Noodle - as an islander this made me lol the fuck up.

...try to get some sun! ...not sure if you islanders know what that is, especially at this time of year.

I suppose you could also consider loading up on vitamin D, and then hitting up the UV lamp beds in Essex. Or something like that.

Great advice. And Hyroller too. THere's nothing I wanna add to this, apart from what I always tell depressed (druggy) people with low self image - you got negative thoughts? Correct them. Down on yourself? Tell yourself out loud you';re a fucking legend. Remind yourself of all the people who smile when you come into a house party, a pub, or even walking down the street. I bet there's loads. So stop doing drugs. There's plenty of time in your life to come for you to use drugs recreationally, so stop self medicating, because you're just abusing yourself anaethetizing the pain. Work out what this pain is, where it\'s from, how it controls you, and MOVE ON.

Fuck your girlfriend. The end.