winglessbird
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2012
- Messages
- 4
Hey all, bit of a dark one to discuss here. A bit of a belated New Year's Eve related post, I'll hope you can forgive my stupidity.
My MDMA use has not been a problem for a long time so I thought it alright to roll on NYE, not having had any at all for perhaps 6 weeks and no significant dose for a number of months. I had a few years ago experienced a stretch of anxiety/depression following a mandy binge but had no problems since recovering, despite quite high doses, which until recently I had ceased entirely, upon realising the gravity of the potential dangers I was exposing myself to.
The week before New Year's was peppered with polydrug use, though in reasonably small quantities...a line of mephedrone and a bump of charlie one night, a couple of bumps of ketamine and a quarter of coke another night. I was feeling tired and unexcited by New Year's but I had commitments and a bag of around 0.4g MDMA hanging around so I thought I'd get things started. My housemates were all partying already so I had a couple of dabs with them and a little rock, perhaps 40-50mg, given to me by one of them. I had to split from them, so one gave me a line of coke before I left to catch the train.
The train took an age so I dropped a bomb of around 150mg (11.20PM) near the beginning of the journey, coming up towards the end, I didn't realise it but I must have been so buzzing at this point, though it was hard to gauge as I was without company for the train ride. Met up with my girlfriend at around 12.30, she was largely unimpressed by my condition and she took one of the bombs and I took the other (my conscious mind was absent and as it had grown a little complacent in recent times I'm not sure it would have prevented me anyway), at around 125mg (these measures are based on eyeballed amounts from a known original weight). I really wish it had stopped here but the madness continued.
The rave we were supposed to go to got shut down so we met with friends at about 2am and it took an age to get there, apparently I was gurning my face off and getting the eye wobbles all the cab ride there, despite feeling tip top. Once there, at around 3, got a little dance on and a friend said they wanted to find some drugs, obviously benevolent and willing, I said I'd chip in with them, they were intent on finding some ketamine or MDMA, I said weakly I'd prefer K but didn't mind. We ended up with more MD, of which I had perhaps 8 dabs over the course of the next 5 hours and one bomb of an unknown quantity though I'd guess around 100mg based on the amount left by that stage.
Obviously the dosage is high, and hard to estimate, but amongst my friend group this sort of use, if not standard, was far from uncommon. Happily, I'd not had a night like this in a long time, and I'd thought that ridiculous abuse was behind me but in the frenzied drug use of the preceding week, coupled with the wild energy of new years eve I went way too far. As a very rough estimate for the purposes of broad discussion the entire night's intake of MDMA must've been around 0.6-0.75g.
I fully expect admonishment for these dosages, I'd let my past notions of HR slip (years of lurking) and over time I think I'd developed a sense of invincibility which placed a filter over my drug use making it seem acceptable even in cases where it most definitely wasn't.
The problem is that this has sent me into a depression. My mind doesn't feel like it is operating at a level even slightly comparable to normal, this post for instance is taking far longer to write than it would've and I'm acutely aware of typos and incorrect wordings I keep making, both out of the ordinary. It's been 8 days since my bender and I'm actually starting to feel worse. I've been off everything since then, no booze and quit smoking cigarettes, I'm not a pot smoker so there're no obvious adulterants entering my body. I think though that as time drags on my concern and anxiety over how I am feeling, thinking and living is increasing. I've started eating particularly well, lots of fruit and vegetables and lean meats, plenty of water, cod liver oil and multivitamins, but this brain fog doesn't seem to be shifting.
When confronted with complex mental tasks, such as those met in my studies, I am often thrown into surges of guilt, panic, intense anxiety, anger and frustration and this is making it impossible to complete tasks necessary to my course.
Also seem to be having some impotence but perhaps this is more of a secondary effect due to my low mood rather than directly attributable to the MDMA abuse.
Any advice for recovery and thoughts on how long this might last/if it might come to an end. Anecdotes of similar experiences are appreciated.
Thanks
My MDMA use has not been a problem for a long time so I thought it alright to roll on NYE, not having had any at all for perhaps 6 weeks and no significant dose for a number of months. I had a few years ago experienced a stretch of anxiety/depression following a mandy binge but had no problems since recovering, despite quite high doses, which until recently I had ceased entirely, upon realising the gravity of the potential dangers I was exposing myself to.
The week before New Year's was peppered with polydrug use, though in reasonably small quantities...a line of mephedrone and a bump of charlie one night, a couple of bumps of ketamine and a quarter of coke another night. I was feeling tired and unexcited by New Year's but I had commitments and a bag of around 0.4g MDMA hanging around so I thought I'd get things started. My housemates were all partying already so I had a couple of dabs with them and a little rock, perhaps 40-50mg, given to me by one of them. I had to split from them, so one gave me a line of coke before I left to catch the train.
The train took an age so I dropped a bomb of around 150mg (11.20PM) near the beginning of the journey, coming up towards the end, I didn't realise it but I must have been so buzzing at this point, though it was hard to gauge as I was without company for the train ride. Met up with my girlfriend at around 12.30, she was largely unimpressed by my condition and she took one of the bombs and I took the other (my conscious mind was absent and as it had grown a little complacent in recent times I'm not sure it would have prevented me anyway), at around 125mg (these measures are based on eyeballed amounts from a known original weight). I really wish it had stopped here but the madness continued.
The rave we were supposed to go to got shut down so we met with friends at about 2am and it took an age to get there, apparently I was gurning my face off and getting the eye wobbles all the cab ride there, despite feeling tip top. Once there, at around 3, got a little dance on and a friend said they wanted to find some drugs, obviously benevolent and willing, I said I'd chip in with them, they were intent on finding some ketamine or MDMA, I said weakly I'd prefer K but didn't mind. We ended up with more MD, of which I had perhaps 8 dabs over the course of the next 5 hours and one bomb of an unknown quantity though I'd guess around 100mg based on the amount left by that stage.
Obviously the dosage is high, and hard to estimate, but amongst my friend group this sort of use, if not standard, was far from uncommon. Happily, I'd not had a night like this in a long time, and I'd thought that ridiculous abuse was behind me but in the frenzied drug use of the preceding week, coupled with the wild energy of new years eve I went way too far. As a very rough estimate for the purposes of broad discussion the entire night's intake of MDMA must've been around 0.6-0.75g.
I fully expect admonishment for these dosages, I'd let my past notions of HR slip (years of lurking) and over time I think I'd developed a sense of invincibility which placed a filter over my drug use making it seem acceptable even in cases where it most definitely wasn't.
The problem is that this has sent me into a depression. My mind doesn't feel like it is operating at a level even slightly comparable to normal, this post for instance is taking far longer to write than it would've and I'm acutely aware of typos and incorrect wordings I keep making, both out of the ordinary. It's been 8 days since my bender and I'm actually starting to feel worse. I've been off everything since then, no booze and quit smoking cigarettes, I'm not a pot smoker so there're no obvious adulterants entering my body. I think though that as time drags on my concern and anxiety over how I am feeling, thinking and living is increasing. I've started eating particularly well, lots of fruit and vegetables and lean meats, plenty of water, cod liver oil and multivitamins, but this brain fog doesn't seem to be shifting.
When confronted with complex mental tasks, such as those met in my studies, I am often thrown into surges of guilt, panic, intense anxiety, anger and frustration and this is making it impossible to complete tasks necessary to my course.
Also seem to be having some impotence but perhaps this is more of a secondary effect due to my low mood rather than directly attributable to the MDMA abuse.
Any advice for recovery and thoughts on how long this might last/if it might come to an end. Anecdotes of similar experiences are appreciated.
Thanks
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