My tank is on empty. Empty.
I am just physically incapable of having an honest job. I try - oh my god do I try. But falling while other people are rising is just too much for me. I've seen too many awesome things to be just barely fighting for survival. I keep telling myself that I'm about to start getting scrappy, but when? When will I turn into a pitbull again? Maybe if I wait tables and pretend that I'm grateful for life for the next what, 2 - maybe 5 - maybe 15 years? Knowing the whole time that I'm full-time suppressing that greedy instinct, putting on a show for everyone just so they will feed me - like an adopted, abused dog?
This is not me. I am a bank-rapist, a money shifter, and a derivatives trader. These things will never change. I can do other things, but I've already had a taste. The question is: when will I rampage again? I lead a pathetic existence right now. a lot of people think life is beautiful, but I don't. I think indulgence is beautiful. I will commit suicide before I find myself really just "chilling" and being like everyone else. I can't "chill." That cool stuff doesn't work for me, and my patience was as thin as it gets two years ago. Something's got to happen, even if I have to force it. A little more than 5 months before I turn 28. If I'm still fighting for table scraps at that time, then this material will have to be archived somewhere because I'll be as gone as it gets.
I am just physically incapable of having an honest job. I try - oh my god do I try. But falling while other people are rising is just too much for me. I've seen too many awesome things to be just barely fighting for survival. I keep telling myself that I'm about to start getting scrappy, but when? When will I turn into a pitbull again? Maybe if I wait tables and pretend that I'm grateful for life for the next what, 2 - maybe 5 - maybe 15 years? Knowing the whole time that I'm full-time suppressing that greedy instinct, putting on a show for everyone just so they will feed me - like an adopted, abused dog?
This is not me. I am a bank-rapist, a money shifter, and a derivatives trader. These things will never change. I can do other things, but I've already had a taste. The question is: when will I rampage again? I lead a pathetic existence right now. a lot of people think life is beautiful, but I don't. I think indulgence is beautiful. I will commit suicide before I find myself really just "chilling" and being like everyone else. I can't "chill." That cool stuff doesn't work for me, and my patience was as thin as it gets two years ago. Something's got to happen, even if I have to force it. A little more than 5 months before I turn 28. If I'm still fighting for table scraps at that time, then this material will have to be archived somewhere because I'll be as gone as it gets.
