Serious Male sexual abuse

[ControlDaddy]

About a week ago I was shitposting and hit on a good thread. "When did you start wanking and fucking?", it asked.

I read the rest of the thread and considered my own response. Mine wasn't as simple when compared to the standard deviation of simpleness of the preceding responses. My response I meant to be short and to the point. I wasn't looking for sympathy or ego strokes or anything like that, I hoped only to spark some interest in further discussion or to see some dialog form about it on the thread. If nothing else, to let other victims know there were others out there like him. Here is what I posted:

OK if you are squeamish about children having sex or being molested skip this post

My first wank was in the bathtub with soap and I don't know how old. I know I was small enough to fit in the kitchen sink. That is where the babsitter washed the soap out of my urethra. I don't remember the wank but I remember crying for help and the babysitter lifting me out and washing me in the sink.

I know it was before I was four. By the time I was four I was sophisticated in the bathtub. I would role play in a man's voice i would say, "hey baby do you want to go home with me?" and then I would tuck it between my legs "No, I am not that kind of girl" in a high pitched voice. I still got soap in stingy places sometimes.

I was sodomized by a young man who babysat me just before I turned five.

When I was about seven my twin cousins would initiate all kinds of sex play when I visited, culminating in having me try to penetrate one of them in the missionary position. I don't think I got in but as I was thrusting she asked me if I knew what we were doing was called. I acted like I did to save face but that I was forgetting the term. Finally she told me it was "humping".

I can confirm I was wanking to orgasm by then.

I lost my virginity when I was 15 to my 15 year old gf.

Everything worked out fine!


As the days wore on, I was disappointed by the response to mine. It sparked no dialog. I think a lot of people skipped it, or read it and either didn't believe it or had nothing to say. Maybe some people read it and wanted to say something but didn't know what to say. I am almost certain another victim had seen it but either denial or conditioning netted a refusal to engage with it. Shame is powerful stuff, more powerful than most drugs, and quite debilitating.

I had two people react to the message and one PMd me and share healthy words with me in addition to their own story. I discussed my frustration that there wasn't more I could do to help other men who had experienced sexual traumas. I suggested posting something like this and got a thumbs up.

BTW at first I thought this bluelighter was a man, but she said she wasn't. I assume you noted the other BLer's reaction and subsequent public support in that thread. I am pretty sure by his handle and responses that he is a man, regardless I am impressed with his balls for speaking out in support of me. Considering no one else did, I'd say he's got brass ones.

I still don't know what to do, really. I am creating this thread to raise awareness, and at least put my own hand out and an offer to listen if anyone wants to talk about it.

Thanks y'all - CD

 

[Zephyn]

this is fucked up to say, and i want to start by saying im so sorry you went through that. i cant imagine how it must feel to be a child and go through something so traumatic. especially before you even understand sex. but anyway what i was going to say is, i've found myself envious of most other male rape victims ive talked to, for most if not all of them went through it as a child, and have had so long to heal. i say its fucked up to say, because its not anything i went thru was worse, in fact its probably easier to handle as an adult in the long run, just a thought

 

[Zephyn]

im sorry that was probably really inappropriate. i really hope it didnt come across as invalidating anything you experienced

 

[ControlDaddy]

im sorry that was probably really inappropriate. i really hope it didnt come across as invalidating anything you experienced

All good man. There were many things that protected me because I was a child. I think traumatic experiences are wholly subjective, and objective analysis of better or worse is useless.

The man who assaulted me was never caught. He warned me of the trouble I would get in if I talked about our game, and at some point a defense mechanism kicked in. When those images would come up my mind would convince itself that was just a memory of a tv show or movie. The images were very clear to me (I have a phenomenal visual memory) but the "its tv thats why it looks real" was good enough for ten or so years. It wasn't until after I became sexually active as a teen, that i would realize it was me in that tv show.

 

[ControlDaddy]

As an adult I probably would have had to contend with a lot more internal struggles. For instance, I might have questioned my sexuality. I have heard from other victims that they got hard/wet when they were raped and thought that made it not rape, or that in some other way they were to blame for it. (Yes, men can be raped by women and still be physically aroused in the process. Same for women, it is just physiology happening.)

It sounds like you were assaulted as in adult. Is there anything you want to share about it in this forum?

 

[Zephyn]

yes but these beers are kicking in and it might take me a bit to puke up

 

[Jabberwocky]

first @ControlDaddy all i can say is that sounds horrific and i wish that hadn't happened to you. i think you are right that most people found it too heavy to know what to do with but am glad you received some private responses. this is certainly an important topic to raise awareness over, especially given the stigmas associated with any sexual violence, let alone towards men.

i've found myself envious of most other male rape victims ive talked to, for most if not all of them went through it as a child, and have had so long to heal.

this is an interesting point. i have always felt that i somehow suffered less because i was well into my 20s when the worst sexual violence happened (though i was 6 when the first sexually inappropriate thing that i know of happened, but it was a one off rather than over a protracted period), and i knew many people who had suffered similar as kids. i don't know if there is a 'better' time to be subjected to sexual violence, other than never. i'm also not sure that healing happens in the conventional sense if you end up with PTSD, cos you are stuck in a loop of the past. but you are certainly right that, presuming the abuse has stopped, there has been a longer period with the potential for healing. though also child/adolescent brains may not be able to engage with the healing process in the way that adults in the right circumstances can.

i am not a man so don't have anything to add from that perspective either but i just want to say, what happened will never be OK. but there are ways to make it tolerable on a daily basis. i can go into more detail if you want but get the impression that this thread was started to raise awareness and looking for identification rather than solutions.

 

[UK Warrior]

Mate, that is fucked. I can't believe (but do) it started so young.

It happens to us men as well as women, if you want to talk feel free to inbox me as I don't want to air to everyone my abuse.

Keep strong my friend, Conan.

 

[ControlDaddy]

i'm also not sure that healing happens in the conventional sense if you end up with PTSD, cos you are stuck in a loop of the past.

This has been my experience as well. Briefly I want to say that while c-PTSD plagued me for much of my life, with prolonged therapy I was able to put that into remission. It is possible to recover from trauma like this.

i am not a man so don't have anything to add from that perspective either but i just want to say, what happened will never be OK. but there are ways to make it tolerable on a daily basis. i can go into more detail if you want but get the impression that this thread was started to raise awareness and looking for identification rather than solutions.

Awareness and identification for sure, but solutions, treatments, testimonies, suggestions and debate are also welcome.

In the end I think abuse is abuse regardless of if you are a man or a woman. Environment and conditioning are probably the biggest differences gender makes from what I can tell.

 

[Phoenix_03]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've known so many women who were sexually abused as adults or children, but only ever heard one man talk about it. I think there's a lot of shame surrounding that on the victim's part especially if the abuser was also a man. Idk the answer for what should happen to people who abuse kids but it should be harsh af.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Briefly I want to say that while c-PTSD plagued me for much of my life, with prolonged therapy I was able to put that into remission.

glad to hear it!! i have had some amazing therapy too and most of the remaining symptoms are treated with medication. there's still a fuckton of things that petrify me but i can live with that. CPTSD is a bastard but its great to be able to show people that there are ways of living with it.

environment and conditioning certainly affect the way people deal with shit. what sucks is that from what i can tell, whether you are a man or a woman, they seem to fuck you either way, just differently.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@ControlDaddy

Awesome of you to raise awareness and open dialog. As i told you the other day, i hadn't kept up with the wanking thread, but the reason it was skipped is probably because people go to TL to fuck around and ease stress from the real world.

People may have been trying to avoid it, not because they don't care, but because they are trying to keep it light. Your post is an awesome example of someone opening up and trying to raise awareness, was just posted in the wrong spot, i guess.

Good on you for not backing down on your mission to spread awareness and lend a hand to people who need one, by posting here.

I wish i had more to say, but im pretty abuse and trauma naive. But based on what i hear people say, i think not blaming yourself is crucial. And another thing i think, that you don't hear often, is it could help trying not let the abuse enrage you. It's horrible that they get away with it, but spending time trying to figure out what to hypothetically do to abuser could perpetuate the anger surrounding the abuse.

 

[ControlDaddy]

And another thing i think, that you don't hear often, is it could help trying not let the abuse enrage you. It's horrible that they get away with it, but spending time trying to figure out what to hypothetically do to abuser could perpetuate the anger surrounding the abuse.

Yeah, great insight here. I have always felt like that was a distraction, something for other people to seize on, rather than have to try to deal with me now or what happened to me then.

 

[Foreigner]

About a week ago I was shitposting and hit on a good thread. "When did you start wanking and fucking?", it asked.

I read the rest of the thread and considered my own response. Mine wasn't as simple when compared to the standard deviation of simpleness of the preceding responses. My response I meant to be short and to the point. I wasn't looking for sympathy or ego strokes or anything like that, I hoped only to spark some interest in further discussion or to see some dialog form about it on the thread. If nothing else, to let other victims know there were others out there like him. Here is what I posted:

OK if you are squeamish about children having sex or being molested skip this post

My first wank was in the bathtub with soap and I don't know how old. I know I was small enough to fit in the kitchen sink. That is where the babsitter washed the soap out of my urethra. I don't remember the wank but I remember crying for help and the babysitter lifting me out and washing me in the sink.

I know it was before I was four. By the time I was four I was sophisticated in the bathtub. I would role play in a man's voice i would say, "hey baby do you want to go home with me?" and then I would tuck it between my legs "No, I am not that kind of girl" in a high pitched voice. I still got soap in stingy places sometimes.

I was sodomized by a young man who babysat me just before I turned five.

When I was about seven my twin cousins would initiate all kinds of sex play when I visited, culminating in having me try to penetrate one of them in the missionary position. I don't think I got in but as I was thrusting she asked me if I knew what we were doing was called. I acted like I did to save face but that I was forgetting the term. Finally she told me it was "humping".

I can confirm I was wanking to orgasm by then.

I lost my virginity when I was 15 to my 15 year old gf.

Everything worked out fine!


As the days wore on, I was disappointed by the response to mine. It sparked no dialog. I think a lot of people skipped it, or read it and either didn't believe it or had nothing to say. Maybe some people read it and wanted to say something but didn't know what to say. I am almost certain another victim had seen it but either denial or conditioning netted a refusal to engage with it. Shame is powerful stuff, more powerful than most drugs, and quite debilitating.

I had two people react to the message and one PMd me and share healthy words with me in addition to their own story. I discussed my frustration that there wasn't more I could do to help other men who had experienced sexual traumas. I suggested posting something like this and got a thumbs up.

BTW at first I thought this bluelighter was a man, but she said she wasn't. I assume you noted the other BLer's reaction and subsequent public support in that thread. I am pretty sure by his handle and responses that he is a man, regardless I am impressed with his balls for speaking out in support of me. Considering no one else did, I'd say he's got brass ones.

I still don't know what to do, really. I am creating this thread to raise awareness, and at least put my own hand out and an offer to listen if anyone wants to talk about it.

Thanks y'all - CD

Thank you for sharing. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I had my sexual awakening earlier than most. I had sex when I was 13, before I could even ejaculate yet. When I was younger than that, my older cousin would show me his erect dick a lot and ask me to touch it. It never really traumatized me, to be honest... I think we were exploring our bodies. But he was older and more "developed" so there was a power disparity so it wasn't exactly appropriate.

People were inappropriately attracted to me from a young age. I had facial hair earlier than my peers. I got tall fast. My voice changed sooner. I had a sex drive earlier than most and I prioritized sex earlier, to my disadvantage (I think). When I was 16 I was already dancing in clubs in downtown Toronto, before they carded everyone. I could dress up to look 20+ easily and I had older friends who all supported this behavior. No one stopped and thought, hey, maybe this underage person shouldn't be here? Do his parents know? Is he really OK being around all these adult themes?

All of my sexual assaults have been in adulthood. There has been more than one incident. Once was in the washroom of a gay club when I was 17 (which I guess doesn't count as adulthood). The other was when I was 29. They were true assaults. The guy tried to actually rape me in the second one. He was a sexual health worker and wanted to take me under his wing when I thought I had an STI (except I didn't, long story). He's in a position of power to this day and I hear about him from time to time. Total nutjob.

I wouldn't call the other incidents assault, but I find that some men have such poor moderation of their sexual energy that I've had some very aggressive sex that felt rapey but wasn't "rape" proper. I really don't like being objectified and it's probably what contributed to me becoming demisexual.

Add a whole lot of other life trauma on top of things and I'm pretty distrustful of most men.

 

[ControlDaddy]

Wow, thank you for sharing all of that.

I really don't like being objectified and it's probably what contributed to me becoming demisexual.

Can you explain to me what that means? I don't like the answer I got from google.

 

[Foreigner]

Wow, thank you for sharing all of that.


Can you explain to me what that means? I don't like the answer I got from google.

Demisexual means you have to have an emotional connection with a guy in order to feel sexually turned on. It's why I can't do hookups/one night stands, like most gay men seem to be able to.

I'm also sapiosexual (attracted strongly to intelligence), but I can sacrifice a bit of that if it's a fuck buddy and not a partnership situation.

 

[ControlDaddy]

Demisexual means you have to have an emotional connection with a guy in order to feel sexually turned on. It's why I can't do hookups/one night stands, like most gay men seem to be able to.

I'm also sapiosexual (attracted strongly to intelligence), but I can sacrifice a bit of that if it's a fuck buddy and not a partnership situation.

Gotcha. I was a horrible womanizer until my late twenties, and then something shifted in me and I became what you described, a demisexual. I didn't know there was a name for it. I really didn't know it for certain, until an experience about one year ago. Interesting that some of our sexual attributes are not static, it seems to me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I’ve been thinking about your original post all day @ControlDaddy. I was trying to decide whether to share my own story. Which I will.

When I was 7 my parents gave a home to a 15 year old cousin whose parents had died. This was initially pretty tough for me because I had been the eldest child in the family and suddenly there was someone above me getting a whole lot more attention. Anyway it did not take long for him to start getting in my bed and rubbing me up and telling me what a great a kid I was. I was in a catholic home and catholic school and know nothing about sex at all.

Anyway at some stage he blew me. And boy oh boy did that feel good at the time. Naturally, being the caring share person then as I am now, I was happy to reciprocate because that’s only polite right? So then my 7-8 year old was blowjobs constantly. Fortunately he had no interest in sodomy. In the main I used to look forward to it as far as I recollect.

Anyway he left our home after 2 years just about the time I began to get knowledge of sex from other sources and, critically, knowledge that homosexuality was an evil sin. At about 9 I was in deathly fear of going to hell for what I now realised I had done. I developed a stutter and really withdrew into myself and stopped being friends with boys lest I be tempted to commit those sinful acts again. I got obsessively involved in church activities.

Anyway what partially broke my illness over this was another incident in the church when I was 15. I was staying overnight at the priests house because my parents had gone away and one of his mates (not a priest) came into my room naked and with a boner and woke me up by rubbing it over my face. Now at this point I knew I had no interest and yelled blue murder. However the incident was hushed up, including by my parents who declined to take any kind of legal action.

After that incident I became a mad girl-fucker and just relentlessly tried to expunge the stain I felt (and maybe prove I wasn’t queer) by fucking as many girls as I could beginning with my 14 year old next door neighbour. To my eternal shame I deployed many of the smooth talking entreaties and physical strategies my first abuser used on me in order to seduce girls at the same age as me at the time (15-16).

Eventually homosexuality lost its stigma to me and I could be friends or at least easily socialise with gay guys. However for over 30 years I only ever engaged in queer acts twice. Both those occasions were with a drunken mate (different guys each time) who I knew was gay but would not admit it. So I kind of seduced them to prove to them that they were. Which was fucked up and cost me their friendships in the end.

However, my boundaries relaxed with the introduction of meth and I went straight for transsexuals to have fun with rather than straight women. Which has stirred up a lot of memories and angst about that early abuse. Especially when I’m told I give the best head ever. I still never ever thing of cis-men sexually though. Not sure what it all means but I do know that that early abuse turned me into a kind of abuser for many years. Not in a violent way of course, but just in a way that I would take pleasure in controlling someone and turning them to my own pleasure in spite of their reluctance. I called it seduction but it really was manipulation. And that’s the source of much shame to this day.

 

[UK Warrior]

I’ve been thinking about your original post all day @ControlDaddy. I was trying to decide whether to share my own story. Which I will.

When I was 7 my parents gave a home to a 15 year old cousin whose parents had died. This was initially pretty tough for me because I had been the eldest child in the family and suddenly there was someone above me getting a whole lot more attention. Anyway it did not take long for him to start getting in my bed and rubbing me up and telling me what a great a kid I was. I was in a catholic home and catholic school and know nothing about sex at all.

Anyway at some stage he blew me. And boy oh boy did that feel good at the time. Naturally, being the caring share person then as I am now, I was happy to reciprocate because that’s only polite right? So then my 7-8 year old was blowjobs constantly. Fortunately he had no interest in sodomy. In the main I used to look forward to it as far as I recollect.

Anyway he left our home after 2 years just about the time I began to get knowledge of sex from other sources and, critically, knowledge that homosexuality was an evil sin. At about 9 I was in deathly fear of going to hell for what I now realised I had done. I developed a stutter and really withdrew into myself and stopped being friends with boys lest I be tempted to commit those sinful acts again. I got obsessively involved in church activities.

Anyway what partially broke my illness over this was another incident in the church when I was 15. I was staying overnight at the priests house because my parents had gone away and one of his mates (not a priest) came into my room naked and with a boner and woke me up by rubbing it over my face. Now at this point I knew I had no interest and yelled blue murder. However the incident was hushed up, including by my parents who declined to take any kind of legal action.

After that incident I became a mad girl-fucker and just relentlessly tried to expunge the stain I felt (and maybe prove I wasn’t queer) by fucking as many girls as I could beginning with my 14 year old next door neighbour. To my eternal shame I deployed many of the smooth talking entreaties and physical strategies my first abuser used on me in order to seduce girls at the same age as me at the time (15-16).

Eventually homosexuality lost its stigma to me and I could be friends or at least easily socialise with gay guys. However for over 30 years I only ever engaged in queer acts twice. Both those occasions were with a drunken mate (different guys each time) who I knew was gay but would not admit it. So I kind of seduced them to prove to them that they were. Which was fucked up and cost me their friendships in the end.

However, my boundaries relaxed with the introduction of meth and I went straight for transsexuals to have fun with rather than straight women. Which has stirred up a lot of memories and angst about that early abuse. Especially when I’m told I give the best head ever. I still never ever thing of cis-men sexually though. Not sure what it all means but I do know that that early abuse turned me into a kind of abuser for many years. Not in a violent way of course, but just in a way that I would take pleasure in controlling someone and turning them to my own pleasure in spite of their reluctance. I called it seduction but it really was manipulation. And that’s the source of much shame to this day.

Even after what I have been through I am only attracted to women, however I wanted to say what you have been through is horrific, especially your parents helping cover it up.

Wether you are male, female, trans, straight, gay, anything in between nobody deserves to ever go through what a lot of people here have.

Mine was my cousin when I was from 5-8 years old. What does it matter if people know. I had a big family when we lived in London before moving to Canvey, and he would do things to my bottom whilst he was erect.

My Mum caught him strangling me once when I didn't want it (3 story town house, heard me screaming) and the rest of the family brushed it off. My Mum and Nan didn't though. He had a stroke a few years after, and this might sound evil but now I am quite happy he did.

 

[Zuda]

Damn, what an un-fun topic. I was molested too, you know. For about 10 years, starting when I was 3, by one of my uncles. It finally stopped when I turned 12, because I figured out that if I hurt him instead of doing what he wanted me to do, he would stop.
I am now 27, and I firmly believe that pedophiles should be killed. Take me into the woods with one and they might not come back out.
Nobody's ever tried to rape me or anything. But I did have an uncomfortable number of men try to suck my dick when I visited Oregon. Had to almost punch one of them to make him leave me alone. You should have seen the way he ran after I raised my fist. It was hilarious. That's another story which I will gladly tell if anyone wants to hear it. lol