• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Making the jump - Any help appreciated.

mysafehome01

mysafehome01

Bluelighter
Joined
May 2, 2012
Messages
433
Hi guys, love this forum, it has helped me so much over the years and kept me safe so keep that up.

I've decided that it's time, after 10 years of abusing a whole load of pills I've decided I need to become clean or I fear my mental health will finally fail.

To help myself and the people trying to help me I'll list the main drugs I abused.

Opiates/ Opioids
- Tramadol
- Codeine
- Dihydrocodeine
- Morphine IR/ ER
Benzos/ Thienos
- Etizolam
- Diazepam
- Temazepam
Others
- Gabapentin
- Pregabalin

Little background info. Basically over the 10 years of use and abuse I have never fully attempted to get clean, only taking breaks when no prescriptions are available. Gone through acute withdrawals 100's of times but never more than 2/ 3 weeks. Always 'relapse' around the time PAWS hits.

The main factors bringing me back for more is the boredom and depression associated clean living. I have a full time job, a number of hobbies and live at home with my partner and our dog.
Life always seems dull when not viewed from the rose tinted glasses that using drugs brings.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, even some kind words of encouragement.

Thank you for your time.
 
Find something to do with your time, something you enjoy. Gardening, working out, cooking, biking, meditating, writing, whatever you find pleasure in. I find that picking up these habits while beginning to make attempts at moderating or cutting back on harmful drug use (i.e. using "softer" or less destructive drugs, and finding ways to use them in less compulsive ways - for me it was methadone, for you it might be kratom or cannabis) made it a lot easier when I decided to jump off (first from heroin and benzos to methadone then from methadone to, well, nothing recreational) because I already had tools I know I could rely on and was familiar with them enough to effectively implement them even when in "crisis mode." I also used for over ten years, so I know how hard it can be to change you habits.

Do you have any supportive communities where you live, whether school or volunteering or a program like NA/SMART/ATS that you think you might feel safe as a part of?

Best of luck!
 
MSH -

Congrats on making the decision to quit. Do you have a plan yet? I find that making a plan makes a HUGE difference for me. Do you know how you will get through work, and other responsibilities during the acute phase?

Do do you have a doctor you can talk to about quitting? Your doctor should be able to give you some comfort meds to get you through the worst of the wds, so long as you have one you can be honest with.

Good luck, man. I am in a pretty similar situation - 7+ years of opiate use. I have to quit soon but can't get time off of work for another few months. You sure aren't alone in this. Keep coming back and let us know what we can do to help!

- VE
 
Thanks for your replies, will be making notes from them to help me a long the way.

Now, I'm a very active person and always have been, more active than when using drugs than not. I regularly go cycling, help build and maintain cycle tracks, have a 1/4 acre garden to play in (Just removed over 250+ poppy plants, god knows that took some will power).

My Doctor kind of knows my situation as I'm currently on pain management for my right shoulder I had rebuilt. The extent of my abuse though she has no idea of.

I am prescribed Gabapentin and Dihydrocodeine currently, both of these I don't want any part of my life anymore, the mental pain of using far outweighs the physical pains I have now.

Is it safe to get a monthly prescription of Gabapentin or am I running the risk of relapsing?

Thanks again, you're wonderful people. <3
 
I must add also that even when using over this past year I really struggle to find any happiness or joy, maybe for a very short duration of time I feel a little bit better, but that's it.

All my life I've been happy, lively and very outgoing, head full of air some might say. Recently though my head feels heavy, constant negativity and a lack of enthusiasm.

Could this all be caused by my drug use or maybe there is an underlying issue? I have no reason to be unhappy, I live a good life.
 
As someone who had extensively misused his gabapentin in the past and now am using it to treat withdrawal, it is probably fine. Unless you need to take it for other reasons, I wouldn't think you'd need more than 3-6 months (I got off methadone and I have at most a two month supply I'd saved up, and that is all I will need).

Congrats on disposing of the poppies, that is a fucking huge accomplishment!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Thank you.

Yeah, it was hugely painful but definitely for the better.

I get 84 x 300mg of Gabapentin every month. If I was to use this as a sleep aid or low mood aid when I'm really down is there a huge risk of going back down other destructive paths?

If it's worth mentioning I don't drink Alcohol nor do I consume weed. Don't really like either.

Cheers!
 
mysafehome01 said:
I must add also that even when using over this past year I really struggle to find any happiness or joy, maybe for a very short duration of time I feel a little bit better, but that's it.

All my life I've been happy, lively and very outgoing, head full of air some might say. Recently though my head feels heavy, constant negativity and a lack of enthusiasm.

Could this all be caused by my drug use or maybe there is an underlying issue? I have no reason to be unhappy, I live a good life.
Click to expand...

I have the exact same issue. I'm literally just surviving on this shit, literally. You have managed to articulate the number one reason I want to quit. I've been feeling like this for about a year too.

My guess is that if you eliminate the drugs, over time, you will return to your normal self...just a little older. Over the last year I have had two serious quit attempts. The first one was 9 days and the second one 42. One of the things keeping me pushing for getting off these is that during both of my clean periods, I felt better. Not great, not by a long shot, especially the first time. But better. It's kind of hard to explain, but it was like I felt a tiny bit of what it feels like to be clean. I, like most who have been at this awhile, can't really imagine what it feels like to be 100% normal, but I felt a bit normal and I wanted to keep going!

Im not sure if that even makes sense. The moral of my story is just that I know how you feel - keep pushing, there is a better life on the other side. I know there is cause I've experienced at least a bit of it.

- VE

edit: quick clarification - I've never been happy like you, I was always just "even." not happy all the time, just content. I also have nothing to be depressed about - I've got a good life, great job, healthy family, etc.
 
Last edited:
mysafehome01 said:
Thank you.

Yeah, it was hugely painful but definitely for the better.

I get 84 x 300mg of Gabapentin every month. If I was to use this as a sleep aid or low mood aid when I'm really down is there a huge risk of going back down other destructive paths?

If it's worth mentioning I don't drink Alcohol nor do I consume weed. Don't really like either.

Cheers!
Click to expand...

Honestly, compared to most comfort drugs, there is very little risk of this with gabapentin. Try and get some clonidine. I find there is no better combo for safe meds when detoxing than that.
 
Thanks again.

Surviving, that's the exact word I'd use as it perfectly sums it up.

My wonder is and has been for a while the thought that I may just possibly be masking an underlying issue with drugs. I kind of hope that to not be true, as I would of course rather the drugs to be the main problem.

The justifications you go through in your mind to obtain another fix are just incredible, the time and effort spent on it leaves my thoughts barely clear for anything else, it's crazy.

Also does anybody out here have trouble listening to certain songs? I've always had some go to songs which have now became synonymous with drug use, now every time I listen to them I feel the cravings come back at me with the force of a sledge hammer. I don't want to stop listening to what I love but I can't help these feelings.
 
There are some songs that are incredibly difficult for me to listen to that I associate with the loss of a time in life when I lost a very dear partner. Whenever I run across them now though, they don't just make me teary, they are also very powerfully nostalgic and help me get in touch with the wonderful moments I had the honor of sharing with her in life.

I think, for the vast majority of addicts and those with problematic histories of drug use, there are underlying issues driving our struggle with drugs. In terms of modern understanding of addictions (and this is rightly so), drug use is looked on as a symptom and not some issue disconnected from our histories.

Drug use as a symptom of underlying issues (and the underlying issues can be anything from a history of trauma, grief, to more existential crisis of becoming an adult as well as mental illness such as anxiety or depression) is a coping mechanism, a very rational kind of thing where we use drugs to function given the challenges we have struggled with (both that we may be aware of as well as those we have little insight into). Challenges we have faced that we have little insight into that drive our drug use can be the most problematic to address - there are often the locust of feeling of a loss of agency and control over our lives.

To deal with one's addiction long term is to address the issues that underly it, the issues that make using drugs to cope so tenable in the first place. And you can begin to deal with underlying issues before you quit, it isn't like you have to do this all in a certain order. I wasn't able to quite before I made some real progress on my more fundamental issues.

Other people find that, because of health or social issues, they have to quit before they can devote themselves to anything other than the consequences of their drug use. This is more a pragmatic choice, and if you have the luxury there are easier ways to make progress IMO. But if you're faced with serious consequences related to ongoing drug use it is a good choice to work on establishing abstinence before anything else. In my case abstinence wasn't possible with getting at why I used in the first place though.

What kind of underlying issues are you concerned about? They generally don't just appear once you stop using - they're been there all along, lurking in the background and making their occasional appearances. They will obvious be more difficult to deal with at first when you stop using drugs, because you're using the one main coping mechanism you've learned to deal with them, and you've learned how to cope with drugs very well.

Fuck me, I need to learn how to write with using the word "you," bugs the shit out of me. Makes me feeling like I'm talking down to you, the human being I'm trying to correspond with, which have zero intention of doing. Our issues are the same issues at their core, and we have infinitely more in common than not, and I'd like to figure out better ways of expressing this in my posts. But I digress. . .
 
Thank you so much for your time and effort, It's so hugely appreciated.

I got into drugs for one reason and one reason only, fun. Like many others, once the fun wore off I wanted more fun and so on.

Going in and out of hospitals due to sports injuries allowed me access to most of the things I've been addicted to, I mean, who is going to turn down a couple hundred IR Morphine pills? Not me that's for sure.

I'm thinking of going back to my Doctor during my next review and asking for all my prescriptions to be removed, removing that temptation of one quick phone call to my fix. Also mention that I believe I'm becoming dependant on them, although after 10 years on them you would think they would know already, maybe they do?

Once again, thank you so much for your time and effort.
 
Hi - Yeah, I'm pretty sure they already know..(your doctors - that you have addiction issues). Everything's a business, right? They're getting theirs. I may be slightly cynical. sorry. I don't know about pills so much, but I know about addiction. I have spent a lot of years without what anyone could consider long-term success. All the reasons I started again were just excuses. There were things that I had not really dealt with, as it is hard to deal with things in-depth when you are chasing the bag. Seems like I was just surviving from fix to fix, day to day, year to year. Sometimes locked up, sometimes free, but always using or on the brink of.. I think its important to fill the hole that using leaves. I'm not going to get all spiritual on you, but it is a spiritual matter. anyway, find something you used to really like to do. I liked carving, I liked working with wood, I grew some vegetables. I still do these things. My husband has passed away and after 38 years together, there is another hole.. I dont want to fill it by the spoonful, so I shall be right behind you, trying to find a new way.. Good luck! maybe we'll talk sometime.
 
Thank you, some quite insightful words there.

I'm very sorry for your loss, I hope you don't let it weaken your position.

I intend to put as much effort in to my pursuits and hobbies as I can, as every moment I'm sitting around my mind is filled the urge to get my scripts ordered. Thankfully, being from the UK I don't pay for them, so I wouldn't imagine the Doctors would want to keep me on a load of medications as it ends up being more costly towards them. One good thing about the UK and it's medical system is that they want people where possible to be OFF meds.

You're always welcome back to this thread to update on how your situation is going as well as mine.

Take care and good luck :)
 
Mysafehome -

How are you doing physically? Are you completely off the meds? I know what you mean about having them readily available. It's hard to get off your mind sometimes. For me, it helps that I know now that if I have them I will take them. And if I take them I will keep taking them. And if I keep taking them I will feel like I do right this very second.

Im pretty good at playing the tape through, as they say. But it's kinda always in the back of the mind. At least from my brief experience.

I gotta keep this short. My internet is being funny. But you are doing awesome! Keep on it, I will be right behind you!

- VE
 
Thank you so much.

I have to be honest though, I'm not completely clean. I take a couple days worth of Dihydrocodeine and a weeks worth of Gabapentin currently. I plan on using these until all my scripts end in January, discussed this date with my Doctor, who was reluctant to take them all of me when I asked. Which is fair as concerns of a relapse were mentioned and possibly sourcing them elsewhere.

Physically it's hell, but only brief. A maximum of say 5 days? Yet the mental torture just goes on and on and on.

I don't know how you see it but is a once per month script of 100x30mg Dihydrocodeines and 84x300mg Gabapentins considered worthy of a full blown addiction?

I hope it's a step in the right direction.
 
I'd say it is! What kind of gear were you using before? You're doing great man, don't be so hard on yourself.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top