Making my amends to a friend who just passed away...

[caseface99]

So I recently went to rehab... Again.

I had a huge resentment for one of my once close friends because she got in the middle of my relationship with my girlfriend, gave me tons of free ketamine and MXE to the point of psychosis and manipulated me against the girl I've been with for 4 1/2 years - told a ton of lies and convinced me she did some really fucked up shit that wasn't even true. Almost entirely destroyed my relationship with her, trying to get me to be with her. This situation progressed to the point where My girl moved back to new jersey, and i lived with this other chick for a month and a half before going to rehab.

After sobering up, I thought about my part in everything that happened, and decided I wanted to make amends and keep my promise of helping her get clean, despite what she tried to do - because I realize that I allowed a lot of it to happen and had my own motives... Like free katamine... and MXE... And did I mention copious amounts of heroin? Oh yeah, we were sleeping together too not just living together - Then I woke up sick one day, the fog slightly lifted, realized what I had done and bailed. Checked into rehab a week later.

I realize that in my drug induced psychosis I played a huge part in this fucked up situation, so yeah, like I said I decided I wanted to make amends and help rather than harbor a resentment.


Then a few days after I got out of rehab, and not being able to get in contact with her - I found out the reason. She was killed in a car accident.

Apparently when I left, she was forced to detox because I wasn't there to help her hit and the only spot she had left was her neck. However she continued smoking weed all day everyday, and relapsed on heroin shortly there after. Leading to the car accident...

I'm wondering what sort of advice people have about making amends, I'm pretty shook up, because If I hadn't bailed on her maybe things would be different. I could have been in the car, or maybe there wouldn't have even been an accident, etc. So many what If's. (Yes, I know i shouldn't focus on what if's... It's hard...)

Yes, I have a sponsor, who has suggested writing a letter and then burning it. I plan on doing this, but it doesn't seem like enough to me... I don't know. I guess maybe that is enough because what counts is the willingness, but I would still like to hear any other suggestions people might have. Keep in mind I was friends with this chick for a couple years before all the drama went down...

 

[herbavore]

I am really sorry to hear about your loss. I know that it is difficult enough to accept the death of a friend, but when your life is intricately tied up with hers it makes it even harder.

Try to do whatever you can to stop your mind looping through the what-ifs. For me, this took practicing mindfulness/breathing/meditation. I let those thoughts come up and then release them--over and over. The point is, life is one big WHAT IF? It could go any way at any time, influenced by more factors than we can even comprehend; throw the randomness of timing and events on top of it and you will see that you had no control at all over your friend's life.

I think that your sponsor's idea is a good one. There is also free/low cost grief counseling through Hospice in most areas of the U.S. (if you are in the U.S.). Even just one session could give you some good ideas of ways to integrate this in your life. It sounds like you have already forgiven her and that is a huge step. Forgiving yourself for your part in things is important too. Don't take on guilt over those events. The accident was just that: an accident. Had it not happened then it sounds like your friend's life was being lived on the edge and it might have happened some other way down the road.

Know that your friend was seeking peace inside and that she would want you to do the same. You can dedicate your own healing in her honor. I do that with my late son. I tell his memory that he makes me strong and that I dedicate my efforts to him in honor of his efforts.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey caseface.. congratulations on your recovery! I am very sorry about your friend passing Thinking about coulda woulda shouldas is a pointless task.. it serves no purpose as the way it went down will be the way it stays. We only have control over our decisions right now.. and all we ever have is right now. If we spend our time pointlessly reliving the past then we miss living today. If we constantly live in preparation for some distant magical tomorrow, then we never see the magic thats around us rite now, and if we finally get to that magical tomorrow we realize its just a different version of today, and since we never learned how to enjoy the magic of today we may find we cant really enjoy that long awaited day. There is no magical place where we will reach, no milestone, no hard sought physical destination in life that we will make it to and suddenly look around in amazement and scream to the heavens.. "i have worked so hard to get here and I'm so glad because it is everything I thought it was going to be".. all we will ever have is another day of the journey.. rite now is all we ever have so i try and submerge myself in rite now and it tends to bring me peace, and each day I get a little better at finding the magic in whatever I find myself doing. Please try and let the past go.. I have had friends pass from drugs and drug related deaths.. sometimes when I think of all the darwinian award ways we addicts find to die I get pretty sad, other times as sick as it may sound I kinda have to chuckle a bit, cause i remind myself thats its only life, that taking anything including death to seriously can make life a damn chore.. I spent to many years making life a chore.. so please forgive yourself for something that wasn't even close to any fault of yours.. stay in today and let the past GO.. and attempt to never take anything to serious again.. because at least for me I can find no reason to and benefit gained.. Very Best Wishes.

 

[Doody OD]

I don't know but it sounds like you are not too long out of treatment, if so I would be asking is your recovery strong enough at this stage to undertake a significant piece of work like this, only you will know. Maybe I'm wrong and you are further down the road of "recovery".

Now this situation has forced itself on to you, as opposed to you going looking for it, like making amends as part of step work. So it is here, in your psychical reality and you seem to want to respond to it as ethically as you can. The letter seems a good starting point in anyway, I would suggest go with that, then evaluate with your therapist or your sponsor if you want/need to do anything extra at this point in time.

I say at this point in time as mourning is a process that takes time to process and maybe writing the letter will be enough for now, or you may never have to do anything extra.

If I was in your position I would be looking at it like this. Also if you are just out of treatment and within the first year of abstinence, acknowledge that mourning is a time of mixed feelings and the most important thing you need to do at this point is look after you, so go at your own pace. For me with situations like this it is about acting in good faith, do that and you can't go too far wrong, even if you have to revise your actions at a later stage.

Anyway, I hope that makes a bit of sense and best of luck with it.

 

[Mehm]

Her life wasn't yours to save. She made her own decisions and you made your own decisions. I'm seeing a lot blame and guilt going on and that shit needs to go out the window.

Are you working the steps? If so, have you done the first 8 yet? Jumping ahead to amends is a common and often tragic mistake. Your chance to make a meaningful amends with appear when the time is right.

peace and love, I'm glad to hear you are sober.

 

[luckygirl79]

Dude, I've been there too. My best friend through my late teens/early 20s. OD'd on a night we should've hung out and I ditched her for my boy friend. We started using together. I felt responsible for a long time. It ate me up inside. I miss her like hell. I'm sorry for what you're going through. There is nothing anyone can tell you that will magically take the pain you feel away. I can tell you that I eventually made amends and use her death as a motivation to live my life to the fullest. To not let her death be in vain. To learn from it and let it help me grow and be clean.

 

[caseface99]

Thanks for all the advice/support.

To those who asked, yeah I'm working the steps. Currently on step 3, My Sponsor likes giving me a fair bit of step work, so since there isn't really anything to write for step 3 he's having me pray twice a day for a week to give it a fair chance before deciding It's not for me. So I'm doing the Tibetan Buddhist prayers I know for compassion and wisdom. After A week then we'll do the third step prayer together and go on to 4.

I'm not jumping ahead, I'm going to wait until I get to the step before doing any amends - I just wanted to see if anyone else had any ideas or advice for me because knowing there is something I can do eventually will make me more relaxed about the whole thing.

 

[Mehm]

In my experience it is best to turn things like this over. Today is today and you are doing step three. I had some nerve wracking, confusing amends that spun circles in my mind for a year before I finally got to step 9. The steps are in order because we aren't ready to make amends until we have done a thorough 4,5,6,7. It will come with time. Please trust that your higher power will act through you and everything will turn out perfectly. Peace, love and many blessings

 

[neversickanymore]

^ wisdom