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Making baby to get clean

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SpiralusSancti

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2023
Messages
2,301
Ever did it? Ever met someone who did it?

It’s freakishly common. I met rather surprising number of woman (and some man) who thought making a child will steer them away from drugs or booze. Most failed.

You might look down on them, but that’s wrong. Some make a baby in attempt to save the marriage. Some as a form of cheating death as their gene survives. A lot other “wrong” reasons for having a child. Hell, most of them are wrong so why judge drugy/boozy moms, right?

Probably the only right reason to make a child is LOVE

I used to think making and training the ONE to rule them all was cool, but LOVE is still crucial, right?
 
Having a child is one of the most stressful things that you can do as a woman and its also incredibly stressful on relationships, even well formed relationships have failed due to having to parent a child.

Whilst I understand why someone might believe it will give them motivation to stop abusing drugs, they actually need to get to the root of why they are abusing them in the first place. If anything getting pregnant will be more of a motivation to continue using drugs due to the stress that comes along with it.
 
SpiralusSancti said:
Ever did it? Ever met someone who did it?

It’s freakishly common. I met rather surprising number of woman (and some man) who thought making a child will steer them away from drugs or booze. Most failed.

You might look down on them, but that’s wrong. Some make a baby in attempt to save the marriage. Some as a form of cheating death as their gene survives. A lot other “wrong” reasons for having a child. Hell, most of them are wrong so why judge drugy/boozy moms, right?

Probably the only right reason to make a child is LOVE

I used to think making and training the ONE to rule them all was cool, but LOVE is still crucial, right?
Click to expand...
Yes, it did work very well, until my friend relapsed, and went off of her bipolar meds. Fortunately she was not using drugs while pregnant with her two children.
 
Yeah. I just think it’s flawed thinking and a bit selfish to think that I’m going to make a baby to essentially use as a tool to quit doing drugs. The entire basis of that is I’m going to use someone to benefit myself. And even with the best intentions we all know relapse is common part of recovery. It’s just not fair to the baby and while I understand the desperation it kinda angers me.
 
That’s all true and I definitely don’t think it’s a wise thing to have a child as part/jumpstart of lifestyle change toward being clean.

I’ve been in a relationship with a woman who was convinced/brainwashed during acid trip by some shady character(s) to have a baby as that’s the only thing that can save her. And it did, said she was not using during pregnancy but later admitted that during one month she did methadone few times. After childbirth she was clean for some time and didn’t get back to hc use and just used a bit booze and something now and then but usually moderately and heroin only a few times (but that made me really upset as she had years of I.V. addiction). I also didn’t like she pressed into using MDMA too often for my liking but latter I realized I was wrong for attacking her because of that cuz she was healing trauma like that but last time I saw her she told me I was right MDMA is damaging if used more than moderately. Sadly she’s on bupe and pregab now and thinks it would be almost impossible for her to deal with parenting clean, unlike when we were together. I still love her and think she’s a good person but just went trough more than most can even imagine. When we met, more than a spark returned and we considered getting back together and she would certainly be happier than with man she’s now but I have a lot to deal with myself. I think I was a good parent while we were together but it wasn’t easy for sure. I sometimes wonder and think my life wouldn’t be bad and potentially great if I had a child with her, thing is, at that time we had enough problems to make rising just one child challenging.

She’s a woman I had least sex with while in relationship but didn’t consider that a bad think but just appreciated more when we had chance/time to make love.
 
SpiralusSancti said:
That’s all true and I definitely don’t think it’s a wise thing to have a child as part/jumpstart of lifestyle change toward being clean.

I’ve been in a relationship with a woman who was convinced/brainwashed during acid trip by some shady character(s) to have a baby as that’s the only thing that can save her. And it did, said she was not using during pregnancy but later admitted that during one month she did methadone few times. After childbirth she was clean for some time and didn’t get back to hc use and just used a bit booze and something now and then but usually moderately and heroin only a few times (but that made me really upset as she had years of I.V. addiction). I also didn’t like she pressed into using MDMA too often for my liking but latter I realized I was wrong for attacking her because of that cuz she was healing trauma like that but last time I saw her she told me I was right MDMA is damaging if used more than moderately. Sadly she’s on bupe and pregab now and thinks it would be almost impossible for her to deal with parenting clean, unlike when we were together. I still love her and think she’s a good person but just went trough more than most can even imagine. When we met, more than a spark returned and we considered getting back together and she would certainly be happier than with man she’s now but I have a lot to deal with myself. I think I was a good parent while we were together but it wasn’t easy for sure. I sometimes wonder and think my life wouldn’t be bad and potentially great if I had a child with her, thing is, at that time we had enough problems to make rising just one child challenging.

She’s a woman I had least sex with while in relationship but didn’t consider that a bad think but just appreciated more when we had chance/time to make love.
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To clarify I’m not judging them for it. And I’m not grouping in all drug use either just the strung out iv heroin/meth shit. I used to use the stuff so know full well how it leads to dysfunctional behavior for the most of us. What I mean is being able to take care of day to day responsibilities when you’re strung out is hard asf. Let alone a kid.

I do think having a kid does make some ppl better but that’s the exception. I just think planning to while you are strung out is irresponsible and selfish but I do understand the desperation and I have C-ptsd so I fully understand trauma and how drugs help us to cope but only responsible light drugs should be used in this manner imo.

I don’t think mdma is necessarily bad if used therapeutically and in moderation. I use psilocybin myself two to three times a year for this purpose specifically and I use kratom usually 12-18 GPD daily as well for this purpose and to mitigate cravings for hard drugs. I can function with my kratom use though and I only get reputable vendors kratom with lab tests from reputable lab companies that won’t sell fake results to vendors.

My heart goes out to her but saying you(not you) need to use drugs to cope with the stress of parenting is just a sign that you likely were not ready to be a parent but i guess who is? It’s just I have as I’m sure we all have seen the harms of children being raised by parents strung out. I’m drawing a difference here between say smoking weed (relatively harmless) to shooting meth/heroin on the regular.

I care deeply about ppl that struggle with substances and/or trauma/mental health. I’m very passionate about them as you could see by my activity on bluelight. I think you’re a good dude and I don’t think that she is a bad person just lost in additiction.
 
That is a bloody crap reason to have a kid. About as crap as having one to try and glue a failing marriage back together.
 
SpiralusSancti said:
Ever did it? Ever met someone who did it?

It’s freakishly common. I met rather surprising number of woman (and some man) who thought making a child will steer them away from drugs or booze. Most failed.

You might look down on them, but that’s wrong. Some make a baby in attempt to save the marriage. Some as a form of cheating death as their gene survives. A lot other “wrong” reasons for having a child. Hell, most of them are wrong so why judge drugy/boozy moms, right?

Probably the only right reason to make a child is LOVE

I used to think making and training the ONE to rule them all was cool, but LOVE is still crucial, right?
Click to expand...

That is one of the WORST idea's I've ever heard. On par with deciding to have a baby to "save" a failing marriage/relationship
 
Yeah I agree and wish it was an idea and not something I’ve witnessed multiple time

I’ll add one more real life example, a woman (intelligent, educated and above average person in many other aspects) that had her child because of usual reasons but wants to have another baby cuz when she gets pregnant she immediately stops using and keeps being “decent” for years. She’s a bit of a, hmm, witchy girl..

It’s not that she, girl I mentioned before and other people I know who did something like that don’t love their children and had them as a sole reason to get clean but timing and some other things were connected to that idea and direction too.
 
i think if a person wants to have a kid to get clean then they probably had the desire to have a kid anyways, and not having a kid in that situation is probably not going to be good for a person's mental health.

so i think if a person can quit drugs for the amount of time that it takes to have a kid, then i respect that. it'd probably be healthier for the child if you didn't use drugs in the first place, but not everything is perfect and there's still a lot of room in the world. a sober couple could have a child with birth defects and a drug using couple could have perfectly healthy kids. life is strange... i can see having a kid to get sober as a thing, even if you relapse after having the kid, i don't think it's so bad as long as you're still caring to the child, that's probably not always the case though, so it's really hard to say.

i know it's only weed, but my cousin used to smoke around her daughter all the time. i would go over to buy weed and she'd kick her daughter out the room and say it's smoking time. sounds like a shitty thing to do, but her daughter turned out fine, she just had a kid herself and she has a successful job and stuff and still likes her mother.

this is a real controverstial topic. i'm surprised the government doesn't try to stop drug users from having kids. i'm sure that would make drugs less popular for some. it would definitely scare some people straight... like people can just use meth and have kids. despite the fact drugs are illegal, there's still a lot of freedom in this country. like forced abortions for drugs users, it wouldn't surprise me if that were a thing in some countries.
 
I can comment on this as I've form in that regard. I've a few kids, well they're grown now but still kids in my eyes. Its a double edged sword. Using a kid as a countown to get clean is a terrible idea for all concerned.
That being said, its not a rarity whatsoever for an addict to have a 'road to damascus moment' when a new child is born. As you rightly alluded to in your op, 90% fail. Even that's a fairly conservative guess, id say somewhere closer to 99%. I digress, theres countless methods of getting clean, pregnancy and the resulting bundle of joy aint the way friend. Best of luck getting clean though,
 
SpiralusSancti said:
Ever did it? Ever met someone who did it?

It’s freakishly common. I met rather surprising number of woman (and some man) who thought making a child will steer them away from drugs or booze. Most failed.

You might look down on them, but that’s wrong. Some make a baby in attempt to save the marriage. Some as a form of cheating death as their gene survives. A lot other “wrong” reasons for having a child. Hell, most of them are wrong so why judge drugy/boozy moms, right?

Probably the only right reason to make a child is LOVE

I used to think making and training the ONE to rule them all was cool, but LOVE is still crucial, right?
Click to expand...

Stupid people have babies for all kinds of stupid reasons. It's why stupid people outnumber smart people. Smart people often choose not to have kids at all or they have just the right number of kids based on what they know they can afford to manage. Stupid people breed without any planning or they think their stupid idea is a plan but they have no idea what having a baby actually entails.

Yes I judge them. No I don't care. Babies are not objects or playthings to make one's life better. They are people. I've met quite a few adults over the years who had druggy/boozy parents and their upbringing was a nightmare. Some of those kids grew up to be well-adjusted adults after a lot of therapy, and some are just as fucked up as their parents were.

I wish there were a way to require people to get permission to have to children, but the only thing I hate more than stupid people is the government. When stupid people have kids for stupid reasons, they don't usually make their situation better, they just upgrade the problem. Then their problem becomes society's problem.
 
I didn't have a child to stop taking drugs but having a child has definitely helped stopped me taking drugs.

I have to care about myself now because she will always need me.

It's hard to justify hurting your child. If you have a child to stop using, you're basically using them as a shield and just seeing if it works.
 
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