Ekstasis-//7
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2005
- Messages
- 665
I experienced what I believe to be the most intense, vivid dreams I have ever encountered the other day. I woke with a pounding heart, unsure if my life was at risk and if I was in fact experiencing seizures or just a dream. The final dream I could say for sure I awoke in muscle convulsions which I have never had before. The dreams also happened just after falling asleep (within the first 1/2 - 1hr) which is very unusual for me. Having a great interest in the work of Carl Jung and dream analysis I have done my best to uncover what these dreams mean. I believe the message is of great importance to my life with regards to life threatening withdrawals and drug dependency which I was not previously aware I was in.
Background
For the last 3 years I'd regularly taken benzos a few times each week to get to sleep and handle anxiety. I'd not thought I was physically dependant as I didn't take them every day. For the last 6 years I had often drank a few drinks of alcohol every night or every other night and more on weekends. In the last few months I'd been on Lyrica (pregabalin) and worked up to 150mg daily for anxiety.
So I had had around 3 weeks of quite extreme anxiety. I had lost two days of sleep each week. My heart was usually pounding at around 100BPM and my stomach in knots not allowing me to eat much. I had stopped drinking alcohol. I had also tried to wait as long as possible each week till the next time I'd take benzos (usually following a few nights of insomnia). I had noticed by the time I'd take benzos to sleep I was so anxious I'd need 2-3 times the amount I'd normally need. This only served me to try and stretch it out further and only use them for sleep.
So one night last week after a number of days of bad sleep I decided to medicate to sleep. I had not had any benzos or Lyrica for a few days. I stupidly decided to take the whole day's dose of lyrica (150mg) in one go. I followed with doses of temazepam until I'd reached 30mg. I was still up all night as this was only just enough of a dose to for me to begin to relax. By the time it was morning I took 25mg of Valdoxan (agomelatine). It should be noted that people have reported strong, vivid or lucid dreams just upon falling asleep after taking melatonin. Valdoxan is a melatonin agonist so it could have precipitated my intense dreams. I'd never had strong dreams from Valdoxan or melatonin before and usually took double the dose (50mg) of Valdoxan before bed.
The Dreams
A couple of hours after taking the Valdoxan and being up all night, I go to sleep around 9am.
In the dream I begin lying down. A girl is in the background a few meters away. Everything seems comfortable/normal. As I lie down, next thing she comes over and is right up next to me. She is of slim build wearing an open cut dress. I can see her face. She has reddish/sandy coloured hair and freckles going down to her cleavage. She starts hitting on me. Which is totally unexpected!
In this dream sequence I begin convulsing. My arms, shoulders ect thrashing around uncontrollably with increasing strength. This whole dream went on with several sequences each in different separate rooms. Each sequence ended in the same way, lying down with the muscle convulsions and often with my vision/awareness returning to my bed (reality/waking up) and then passing back into the next dream sequence room. I was only in each room for a few seconds or a few minutes. One room I was convinced I was lucid dreaming and began to pick up a set of black cards, flip through them and read what was on them. One card said something like dream sequence 3. Another dream sequence I was in a room with some buddy (although I don't know him in reality) I was telling him that I would loose control and could use help to be clear of any tables or chairs where I might hit my head when it started to happen. In one of the final dream sequences I there was another person experiencing convulsions as well. She was standing up and had them worse than I did. She seemed to have had a full blown seizure and her tongue was hanging out. As I awoke each time, even though the convulsions felt like I was shaking violently, I'm pretty sure my arms were still at the first time I could see them while awake. I awoke to find only around 1/2 an hour had passed since I had fallen asleep. I was not sleepy but the opposite, my heart was pounding and I was alert.
Much of the day goes by and I attend to my responsibilities. In the afternoon I have another chance to try and catch up on some sleep. I am surprised to find I fall asleep quickly.
In the new dream I am talking to my sister about what I have in reality read in the last day or two on wikipedia. I am telling her about the Russian Spetsnaz spies and how Russia admits it had heaps of them in the USA in the cold war. I was just about to tell her the best bit about how a Russian Spetsnaz spy was supposedly in the American nuclear program and had taken the information with him to Russia in the early 1960's and how ridiculous it is that recently he'd been awarded the highest medal, a gold star by the Russian president. Before I can get to say this this I am interrupted by the voice of a girl to my left. She says something like, "you love your nerdy wikipedia stories don't you?" and kisses me on the cheek. It felt very real the physical sensation of her kissing me. I was a little taken back. I wasn't sure who she was, yet she seemed to be familiar like she was my girlfriend. Since she hadn't passed into my field of vision yet I was even more intrigued. I began to turn my head to the left so I could see her. Just as I did this, as though she was happy I turned to give her my attention, she kissed me again this time on the lips. I was now fully aware I was lying in bed next to this girl. She had very dark hair and the face was no one I recognised from reality although in the dream we seemed to be lovers. While facing me she walked on all fours over the top of me. Her breasts touched my chest. The physical touch sensation seemed very real. Next I begin the same violent muscle convulsions as in the dreams earlier that day. I awaken, very alert and am sure my arms are not locked by my sides this time as in the previous dreams. I appear to actually be in convulsions! 8(
In the day or two previous I had noticed muscle twitches all over my body. The muscle twitches had become much stronger just around the time I was falling to sleep.
I was quite afraid now that something dangerous maybe going on. I look up Lyrica withdrawals on the net and find many people reporting muscle convulsions and even full blown seizures landing them in the ER multiple times on withdrawing. I found many reports of people shocked that this medication gave them convulsions or seizures on withdrawal when they previously never had any. Strong anxiety and difficulty eating seemed to be consistently reported side effects on withdrawing. I was shocked. From my initial readings on Lyrica and the safety information I thought it was SAFER than benzos without any of the nasty, dangerous withdrawal side effects!
I was aware that benzos can cause seizures in withdrawal but I didn't believe I had a physical dependency until now. I read up more on benzo withdrawal and dependency and came accross The Ashton Manual. When I look at the patterns of benzo use and anxiety/insomnia each week over the last few years, it now seems very likely I have been in mini benzo withdrawal/dependency cycle every week.
It wasn't smart that I'd been using alcohol another drug acting on the GABA system which was in the mix. It was even worse that I'd started in the last few months on Lyrica a synthetic analogue of GABA. What I believe makes Lyrica possibly dangerous is the short half life and a seemingly weak effect compared to benzos. This led me to increase the dose, think the drug was doing next to nothing and be hap hazard with my doses. After reading The Ashton Manual it seems the safest way to withdraw from benzos is to keep the plasma concentration of these drugs steady and slowly reduce over quite a while. The Ashton Manual suggests diazapam as the benzo of choice because it has such a long half life and is therefore eliminated slowly and very gradually from the body.
I have seen a report of someone who withdrew successfully and painlessly from Lyrica reducing the dosage each 3-4 days by 5-10%. The person says they did this by seeking a compounding pharmacy. I have also read that benzos can be used to aid in Lyrica withdrawal. This works to my benefit since I am already planning long, gradual reduction in dose using diazapam.
I think the dreams mean something along the lines of "I was seduced" or "I fell in love" with the benzos. Probably they were trying to make me aware that I was in withdrawal and was at risk of developing full blown seizures.
I'm now on a steady dosing regime of diazapam and Lyrica with goals in place to reduce as I go along. It's great to end those weeks of hell. To be able to sleep and eat again normally and not have my heart pounding each day with such intense anxiety is a relief. I'm glad to have hope with the stories I read of high success rate and relatively painless withdrawal using these methods.
Take care guys.
Background
For the last 3 years I'd regularly taken benzos a few times each week to get to sleep and handle anxiety. I'd not thought I was physically dependant as I didn't take them every day. For the last 6 years I had often drank a few drinks of alcohol every night or every other night and more on weekends. In the last few months I'd been on Lyrica (pregabalin) and worked up to 150mg daily for anxiety.
So I had had around 3 weeks of quite extreme anxiety. I had lost two days of sleep each week. My heart was usually pounding at around 100BPM and my stomach in knots not allowing me to eat much. I had stopped drinking alcohol. I had also tried to wait as long as possible each week till the next time I'd take benzos (usually following a few nights of insomnia). I had noticed by the time I'd take benzos to sleep I was so anxious I'd need 2-3 times the amount I'd normally need. This only served me to try and stretch it out further and only use them for sleep.
So one night last week after a number of days of bad sleep I decided to medicate to sleep. I had not had any benzos or Lyrica for a few days. I stupidly decided to take the whole day's dose of lyrica (150mg) in one go. I followed with doses of temazepam until I'd reached 30mg. I was still up all night as this was only just enough of a dose to for me to begin to relax. By the time it was morning I took 25mg of Valdoxan (agomelatine). It should be noted that people have reported strong, vivid or lucid dreams just upon falling asleep after taking melatonin. Valdoxan is a melatonin agonist so it could have precipitated my intense dreams. I'd never had strong dreams from Valdoxan or melatonin before and usually took double the dose (50mg) of Valdoxan before bed.
The Dreams
A couple of hours after taking the Valdoxan and being up all night, I go to sleep around 9am.
In the dream I begin lying down. A girl is in the background a few meters away. Everything seems comfortable/normal. As I lie down, next thing she comes over and is right up next to me. She is of slim build wearing an open cut dress. I can see her face. She has reddish/sandy coloured hair and freckles going down to her cleavage. She starts hitting on me. Which is totally unexpected!
In this dream sequence I begin convulsing. My arms, shoulders ect thrashing around uncontrollably with increasing strength. This whole dream went on with several sequences each in different separate rooms. Each sequence ended in the same way, lying down with the muscle convulsions and often with my vision/awareness returning to my bed (reality/waking up) and then passing back into the next dream sequence room. I was only in each room for a few seconds or a few minutes. One room I was convinced I was lucid dreaming and began to pick up a set of black cards, flip through them and read what was on them. One card said something like dream sequence 3. Another dream sequence I was in a room with some buddy (although I don't know him in reality) I was telling him that I would loose control and could use help to be clear of any tables or chairs where I might hit my head when it started to happen. In one of the final dream sequences I there was another person experiencing convulsions as well. She was standing up and had them worse than I did. She seemed to have had a full blown seizure and her tongue was hanging out. As I awoke each time, even though the convulsions felt like I was shaking violently, I'm pretty sure my arms were still at the first time I could see them while awake. I awoke to find only around 1/2 an hour had passed since I had fallen asleep. I was not sleepy but the opposite, my heart was pounding and I was alert.Much of the day goes by and I attend to my responsibilities. In the afternoon I have another chance to try and catch up on some sleep. I am surprised to find I fall asleep quickly.
In the new dream I am talking to my sister about what I have in reality read in the last day or two on wikipedia. I am telling her about the Russian Spetsnaz spies and how Russia admits it had heaps of them in the USA in the cold war. I was just about to tell her the best bit about how a Russian Spetsnaz spy was supposedly in the American nuclear program and had taken the information with him to Russia in the early 1960's and how ridiculous it is that recently he'd been awarded the highest medal, a gold star by the Russian president. Before I can get to say this this I am interrupted by the voice of a girl to my left. She says something like, "you love your nerdy wikipedia stories don't you?" and kisses me on the cheek. It felt very real the physical sensation of her kissing me. I was a little taken back. I wasn't sure who she was, yet she seemed to be familiar like she was my girlfriend. Since she hadn't passed into my field of vision yet I was even more intrigued. I began to turn my head to the left so I could see her. Just as I did this, as though she was happy I turned to give her my attention, she kissed me again this time on the lips. I was now fully aware I was lying in bed next to this girl. She had very dark hair and the face was no one I recognised from reality although in the dream we seemed to be lovers. While facing me she walked on all fours over the top of me. Her breasts touched my chest. The physical touch sensation seemed very real. Next I begin the same violent muscle convulsions as in the dreams earlier that day. I awaken, very alert and am sure my arms are not locked by my sides this time as in the previous dreams. I appear to actually be in convulsions! 8(
In the day or two previous I had noticed muscle twitches all over my body. The muscle twitches had become much stronger just around the time I was falling to sleep.
I was quite afraid now that something dangerous maybe going on. I look up Lyrica withdrawals on the net and find many people reporting muscle convulsions and even full blown seizures landing them in the ER multiple times on withdrawing. I found many reports of people shocked that this medication gave them convulsions or seizures on withdrawal when they previously never had any. Strong anxiety and difficulty eating seemed to be consistently reported side effects on withdrawing. I was shocked. From my initial readings on Lyrica and the safety information I thought it was SAFER than benzos without any of the nasty, dangerous withdrawal side effects!
I was aware that benzos can cause seizures in withdrawal but I didn't believe I had a physical dependency until now. I read up more on benzo withdrawal and dependency and came accross The Ashton Manual. When I look at the patterns of benzo use and anxiety/insomnia each week over the last few years, it now seems very likely I have been in mini benzo withdrawal/dependency cycle every week.
It wasn't smart that I'd been using alcohol another drug acting on the GABA system which was in the mix. It was even worse that I'd started in the last few months on Lyrica a synthetic analogue of GABA. What I believe makes Lyrica possibly dangerous is the short half life and a seemingly weak effect compared to benzos. This led me to increase the dose, think the drug was doing next to nothing and be hap hazard with my doses. After reading The Ashton Manual it seems the safest way to withdraw from benzos is to keep the plasma concentration of these drugs steady and slowly reduce over quite a while. The Ashton Manual suggests diazapam as the benzo of choice because it has such a long half life and is therefore eliminated slowly and very gradually from the body.
I have seen a report of someone who withdrew successfully and painlessly from Lyrica reducing the dosage each 3-4 days by 5-10%. The person says they did this by seeking a compounding pharmacy. I have also read that benzos can be used to aid in Lyrica withdrawal. This works to my benefit since I am already planning long, gradual reduction in dose using diazapam.
I think the dreams mean something along the lines of "I was seduced" or "I fell in love" with the benzos. Probably they were trying to make me aware that I was in withdrawal and was at risk of developing full blown seizures.
I'm now on a steady dosing regime of diazapam and Lyrica with goals in place to reduce as I go along. It's great to end those weeks of hell. To be able to sleep and eat again normally and not have my heart pounding each day with such intense anxiety is a relief. I'm glad to have hope with the stories I read of high success rate and relatively painless withdrawal using these methods.
Take care guys.
Last edited:
