SecondPull
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2010
- Messages
- 79
This report is a lot longer, and a lot more of a narrative than most trip reports on this site, but it's how I've written it in my trip journal, and it's the best account of what transpired I can put together. I am still pretty rattled by the experience, and was hoping I could get some more experienced individuals' opinions or input on the matter.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation v. 2010
Or
Reality is a Slip ‘n Slide Between My Ears
-9/05/10
A year ago today, my life changed…I will tell you it was for the better, but truth be told, it has been in a lot of ways a great deal of trouble—trouble with my friends, trouble with the law, trouble with myself. A year ago today at a music festival in New York City, I experienced a profound opening, emotionally, musically, interrelationally, and I was excited to repeat the pilgrimage again this year. Bigger, better, all of my friends would be there. It would be perfect. That is not what happened.
We arrive on the island around 1:30. It is already packed, dusty, grass tramped brown by tens of thousands of footsteps from the day before. There are only a few of us at first—me, T, A, C, and we make our way to the tent where ***** is playing. We dance and listen for a while, meet up with P and his group of people. We are waiting, and this is a shame, because the anticipation of the ‘real’ party, of our chemically altered superconsciousness, is thoroughly inhibiting my enjoyment of the moment. Nevertheless, we manage to have a good time while trying to conserve energy.
****** wraps their set up and we head down the hill to a picnic table under a tent. It is 3:30 and I take a hit of LSD, letting the blotter soak up the saliva under my tongue, tasting nothing but paper, feeling nervous, excited, odd. We get a bit of food, eat, head to the main stage to listen to ****** ****, who is good but not great. I am starting to feel the acid…I am a little loopy, a little goofy. I am wearing a nametag that says “hello, my name is Faced.” I find this amusing, though T does not. I have an idiot grin on my face, and the music is starting to move me, funky and minimal. It is almost 4:30, and we head back up the hill to hear ******** play—they are the act I am most excited to hear. I am honestly a bit disappointed—they play very few songs I know, although the scene under the tent is visually arresting, lights and visualizer holding my attention just fine. I feel weird, but not where I want to be; I have no visuals, which were what I wanted to get out of the trip. I have the urge to take another hit, but I keep convincing myself to wait until about 5:15 when I am reasonably sure things are not going to get any more serious. I try to bite a half hit off the blotter, but I can’t really tell how much or how little I get. I imagine that I feel it immediately.
C2 finally arrives, I give him his pills and we are good for a while. I am dancing, we are dancing, it is just a good time. P and a few others drop their first and within a half hour are clearly starting to roll and we all laugh because they are acting ridiculous. My hands are a liquid ball and I am really falling into the music now, watching my fingers twist and wave and roll smoothly through space, flesh made fluid. As I watch myself, I suddenly feel as if I’ve fallen entirely too deep, that second hit or half-hit or whatever it was smacking me in the brainstem all at once, taking what was wonderment and transmuting it into deep, deep discomfort. I am instantly done with this setting; I know I need to get out and be somewhere I can sit and reduce stimulation until I am more on top of my game. I convince C2, T, A, C, and a few others? I can’t remember, to leave a little early and we make our way toward the hillside to sit for a while. Everyone drops their first pill around 6, while I wait until I feel more myself. I don’t understand what is going on with this trip. I have no visuals, but my thoughts feel distorted and fucked up. It feels like, instead of the normal morphing and breathing effects of LSD, it is reality itself that is warping around me, and I do not know why.
It is 6:30, 6:40 and everyone is starting to come up, becoming talkative, chattering, then slipping deeper into their roll and moaning as the rushes come, massaging each other and sharing their thoughts with abandon. I am frankly jealous, everyone is in a much better place than I am and I am done with feeling out of sorts and uncomfortable. It is 6:50, I am feeling more like myself, and I decide ‘fuck it’ and take my first pill. Something changes very quickly, placebo effect or no, and I stand up to go to the bathroom. As I wait in line, visual distortions leap into life, the edges of the portable bathrooms shimmering and glowing and objects growing, shrinking, and warping into new shapes before my eyes. It is intense, unexpected, and a bit frightening. There is a woman in the line standing over my shoulder staring at me with disturbing intensity, and even as I pray that she won’t say anything to me, she starts talking, clearly off her rocker, bitching about people taking too long in the line for the bathroom, then introducing herself and asking about me. This woman’s age is utterly impossible to determine, first of all because I am tripping face and second of all because she looks like she has done some serious hard living. She claims she went to Yale and was friends with chemists at Harvard and MIT who were synthing drugs back in the 80s. “I did 2C-B before it existed,” she says, “DMT too.” I leap into the nearest open bathroom, eager to escape, and pee while the whole thing feels like it is about to take off, vibrating with bass and twisting and flowing around me.
Back outside, and I am feeling highly stimulated, tapping my legs unconsciously, starting to feel talkative, tweaky, but not happy or empathic, but this slowly begins to change as tactile sensations become more and more pleasurable and I slip into a sort of synaesthesia, waves of color washing over me every time I blink, the crowd below us a sweeping tide of humanity. I hug T and when I close my eyes we are outlined in layers of neon against the black and I realize this is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am absolutely stunned, unable to articulate what is going on around me, there is just so much surreality happening so fast it is all I can do to keep up. The bass is making me move without my consent and all of a sudden I am hugely eager to dance and get the party REALLY started. We head down to the largest tent, where ***** is playing, some sort of hip-hop infused electro/house absurd subgenre of electronica but my god it feels like the ground is exploding underneath me every time the bass wobbles and kicks. Where trance is dj-worshipping, uplifting, too fast-paced to do anything but lunge and jump, this is orgiastic, wild, sexual, raw, nasty, and everyone in the tent feels it. It feels like a jungle, hot, humid and smelly and it is so utterly delicious I cannot stand it. T and I are grinding, touching, kissing like porn stars and it is fantastic, I am just a rolled-up ball of sensation, being vibrated from my toes to my head and I almost lose my mind. It is getting dark and I head to the perimeter of the tent to give some light shows and it feels wonderful to let my fingers play with the music and it feels wonderful to see everyone’s smiles and know that they are happy. Several of our friends have never had a light show before, and they are ecstatic.
It is 8:15 or 8:30 and I take my second pill and it hits FAST, I am on the dance floor and T and I look at each other and make our way out of the tent to go sit down…I am totally floored for about 5 or 10 minutes, unable stand or move or do anything but let my eyes wiggle. We talk about Us, about the end of our relationship, the whys and hows and we know that we love each other very much, and we know that when she leaves tomorrow it will be a beginning and not an ending. When we head back into the tent we realize this act is over and find our friends, who are about to head to the main stage for the beginning of *****’s set. ******** closes with “Zombie Nation” and I am delighted to hear some classic trance. I am just dancing by myself with my gloves now, covering myself with light and enjoying the feeling of moving to music. I meet a kid who is just starting to glove and I talk to him for a bit, he is enthusiastic and appreciative. I meet another kid from LA who absolutely melts my face, and I am happy to find someone on the East Coast who is really, really good.
I am wonderfully, wonderfully happy, and the world seems entirely composed of light and sound. I end up somehow standing next to C and we are talking for a moment, but I cannot remember what she is saying as I write this. Here is where something terribly, terribly wrong happens. She is saying some of the usual things one says when they are rolling… “I’m so glad we’re all here, I’m so glad you’re in my life” and the like. I hear something else, although I do not know if I actually heard it or not. I hear her say something like “but you and I, there is something special, isn’t there? Something no one else has.” I cannot emphasize this enough: I have NO IDEA if she actually said this. I only know this is what I am perceiving. For a brief, shining moment, I feel the truth of this to my absolute core. For a moment, I look at her and I know it is true. I look at her and I realize—not think—realize fully and deeply, that I have met the girl I am going to marry. The air is full of blue and green lasers, and the song playing is “Not Giving Up On Love.” And then something twists deep in my mind and everything falls away.
I can feel it I can feel it oh godohgodohgodohgod I’ve lost it I’ve lost my mind I FELT IT I FELT IT SNAP like a bone breaking a shoulder slipping out of its socket the world has just inverted itself and nothing is right nothing is real let me tell you my delusion my little fantasy hahahahaaha isn’t it funny? So funny I’ll tell you all about it you see C and I we are preordained destined made for each other we are Supposed To Be Together not like you or your mother and father are Good For Each Other nonononono C and I we are the only real ones the universe has meant us for each other our lives everyone’s lives up to this point have been fake false facsimiles of unreality we know THE TRUTH now we ARE THE TRUTH NOW and everything has to change everything must reorient itself around THE TRUTH which is that we must face our destiny we are star-crossed we are archetypal we are The Lovers transcending time and space and rationality I cannot tell you this enough times WE ARE THE ONLY REAL ONES and we HAVE TO BE TOGETHER because this is what the universe has decreed from on high this is the truth of existence and because this is impossible because this is not any reality I can believe in well I guess hahahahahahaha I’m sorry I guess your little mind is just going to have to fall all to pieces here now watch yourself watch yourself try to pull it together T’s trying to figure out what went wrong but looky here I’ll tell you what she’s not real either and neither is this field neither are all these people neither is YOUR LIFE YOU PATHETIC LITTLE SPECK NONE OF THIS IS REAL it’s all a psychotic hallucination everything and everyone and your whole life heehee you’re not even a person you’re just the imagination of yourself, the fever-dream of some poor institutionalized schmuck in a padded cell upstate you’re about to black out and wake up in that cell not knowing who you are or what your life is or how you got here and
NO I WILL PULL IT TOGETHER I WILL PULL IT TOGETHER I AM IN CHARGE HERE
no I’m not no I’m not because it’s not me it’s Fate that we’re to be together see here everything makes sense look T is angry because she is being pushed aside because the only purpose of our relationship was for C and I to meet to realize THE TRUTH so we can step out of this reality and into our own and now she’s talking to C and C is next to me telling me she did NOT mean it like that she did NOT but I see the look in her eyes and I know she’s telling me this to protect me to protect US from the people who would try to break us apart because T can’t know that this is THE TRUTH hahahahahaha see I’ll show you how look C says to me “It’s only a big deal if WE make it a big deal” see she’s in on it she knows THE TRUTH and knows that we have to keep it quiet keep it secret from everyone who’s trying to hurt us or take our destiny from us we have to protect ourselves
oh my god I did it I actually did it I’ve unglued my brain broken my mind awakened some long-latent schizophrenia look at this what am I thinking what am I doing these thoughts are IMPOSSIBLE they can’t be true but there is NOTHING anyone can do or say to convince me that they might not be true and god if there is even a CHANCE that they might be true how can I ignore them I have to follow them because if this is what the universe wants I can’t ignore it I’m not allowed to now I get it now I get these paranoid violent stalkers look that’s going to be me because even C can’t tell me anything to convince me that’s not what she meant if she says it she’s just trying to protect me and I know the TRUTH I see where this goes I see myself violent standing over her fists clenched demanding to know WHY WON’T YOU ADMIT THE TRUTH YOU KNOW IT AS WELL AS I DO WE ARE FOR EACH OTHER AND EACH OTHER ONLY
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck this is where I will be for the rest of my life in this netherworld of surreality unable to distinguish where thought ends and reality begins hahahahahaha what a silly boy you are there is no reality nothing at all real only fabrications of this misfiring neural wiring in your head in the morning I have to call my parents have to tell them what happened just come clean tell them I need help they’ll put me on an antipsychotic haldol something to pull me out of this I’ll be done that’ll be the end of things my life is effectively over but at least I won’t be CRAZY anymore I just need to call them but OHHHHHHH FUCK none of this is even real and neither are they hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa I’ll just call my imaginary parents and they’ll come in an imaginary car to pick me up me who doesn’t even know who me is because it’s all unreality won’t someone please please please help me I am talking to A, asking him if we won’t please sit down and talk to me help me find myself again.
We sit, and we talk. I explain where I am, not sure if he understands. He tells me that I am obviously tripping face, but something that was said has clearly resonated with me very strongly and that perhaps, just maybe we aren’t in fact fated lovers beyond time and space, but that maybe there is some sort of connection, and this is why I’m bugging, and maybe something really really wonderful has just happened in my life. This thought is comforting, it pulls me at least a bit out of my loop though I still find it difficult to shake, and as the event comes to a close I feel myself slowly returning to reality, seeing the headspace where I became stuck for what it was—a drug-induced state and not my future self, and I realize that I am going to be ok. I am deeply, deeply shaken as we begin our long journey back to ****** but by the time I am back in my room I am sober and lucid, still processing what has happened. I need a long break from ALL drugs—this was as close to the edge as I ever want to get and I will need a significant amount of time to consolidate myself, especially before tripping again.
I have been over the edge, I have seen madness, and I have returned mostly intact. This in and of itself is valuable, though I am not sure exactly how. It is time to relax and enjoy the world outside of my own head for a while.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation v. 2010
Or
Reality is a Slip ‘n Slide Between My Ears
-9/05/10
A year ago today, my life changed…I will tell you it was for the better, but truth be told, it has been in a lot of ways a great deal of trouble—trouble with my friends, trouble with the law, trouble with myself. A year ago today at a music festival in New York City, I experienced a profound opening, emotionally, musically, interrelationally, and I was excited to repeat the pilgrimage again this year. Bigger, better, all of my friends would be there. It would be perfect. That is not what happened.
We arrive on the island around 1:30. It is already packed, dusty, grass tramped brown by tens of thousands of footsteps from the day before. There are only a few of us at first—me, T, A, C, and we make our way to the tent where ***** is playing. We dance and listen for a while, meet up with P and his group of people. We are waiting, and this is a shame, because the anticipation of the ‘real’ party, of our chemically altered superconsciousness, is thoroughly inhibiting my enjoyment of the moment. Nevertheless, we manage to have a good time while trying to conserve energy.
****** wraps their set up and we head down the hill to a picnic table under a tent. It is 3:30 and I take a hit of LSD, letting the blotter soak up the saliva under my tongue, tasting nothing but paper, feeling nervous, excited, odd. We get a bit of food, eat, head to the main stage to listen to ****** ****, who is good but not great. I am starting to feel the acid…I am a little loopy, a little goofy. I am wearing a nametag that says “hello, my name is Faced.” I find this amusing, though T does not. I have an idiot grin on my face, and the music is starting to move me, funky and minimal. It is almost 4:30, and we head back up the hill to hear ******** play—they are the act I am most excited to hear. I am honestly a bit disappointed—they play very few songs I know, although the scene under the tent is visually arresting, lights and visualizer holding my attention just fine. I feel weird, but not where I want to be; I have no visuals, which were what I wanted to get out of the trip. I have the urge to take another hit, but I keep convincing myself to wait until about 5:15 when I am reasonably sure things are not going to get any more serious. I try to bite a half hit off the blotter, but I can’t really tell how much or how little I get. I imagine that I feel it immediately.
C2 finally arrives, I give him his pills and we are good for a while. I am dancing, we are dancing, it is just a good time. P and a few others drop their first and within a half hour are clearly starting to roll and we all laugh because they are acting ridiculous. My hands are a liquid ball and I am really falling into the music now, watching my fingers twist and wave and roll smoothly through space, flesh made fluid. As I watch myself, I suddenly feel as if I’ve fallen entirely too deep, that second hit or half-hit or whatever it was smacking me in the brainstem all at once, taking what was wonderment and transmuting it into deep, deep discomfort. I am instantly done with this setting; I know I need to get out and be somewhere I can sit and reduce stimulation until I am more on top of my game. I convince C2, T, A, C, and a few others? I can’t remember, to leave a little early and we make our way toward the hillside to sit for a while. Everyone drops their first pill around 6, while I wait until I feel more myself. I don’t understand what is going on with this trip. I have no visuals, but my thoughts feel distorted and fucked up. It feels like, instead of the normal morphing and breathing effects of LSD, it is reality itself that is warping around me, and I do not know why.
It is 6:30, 6:40 and everyone is starting to come up, becoming talkative, chattering, then slipping deeper into their roll and moaning as the rushes come, massaging each other and sharing their thoughts with abandon. I am frankly jealous, everyone is in a much better place than I am and I am done with feeling out of sorts and uncomfortable. It is 6:50, I am feeling more like myself, and I decide ‘fuck it’ and take my first pill. Something changes very quickly, placebo effect or no, and I stand up to go to the bathroom. As I wait in line, visual distortions leap into life, the edges of the portable bathrooms shimmering and glowing and objects growing, shrinking, and warping into new shapes before my eyes. It is intense, unexpected, and a bit frightening. There is a woman in the line standing over my shoulder staring at me with disturbing intensity, and even as I pray that she won’t say anything to me, she starts talking, clearly off her rocker, bitching about people taking too long in the line for the bathroom, then introducing herself and asking about me. This woman’s age is utterly impossible to determine, first of all because I am tripping face and second of all because she looks like she has done some serious hard living. She claims she went to Yale and was friends with chemists at Harvard and MIT who were synthing drugs back in the 80s. “I did 2C-B before it existed,” she says, “DMT too.” I leap into the nearest open bathroom, eager to escape, and pee while the whole thing feels like it is about to take off, vibrating with bass and twisting and flowing around me.
Back outside, and I am feeling highly stimulated, tapping my legs unconsciously, starting to feel talkative, tweaky, but not happy or empathic, but this slowly begins to change as tactile sensations become more and more pleasurable and I slip into a sort of synaesthesia, waves of color washing over me every time I blink, the crowd below us a sweeping tide of humanity. I hug T and when I close my eyes we are outlined in layers of neon against the black and I realize this is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am absolutely stunned, unable to articulate what is going on around me, there is just so much surreality happening so fast it is all I can do to keep up. The bass is making me move without my consent and all of a sudden I am hugely eager to dance and get the party REALLY started. We head down to the largest tent, where ***** is playing, some sort of hip-hop infused electro/house absurd subgenre of electronica but my god it feels like the ground is exploding underneath me every time the bass wobbles and kicks. Where trance is dj-worshipping, uplifting, too fast-paced to do anything but lunge and jump, this is orgiastic, wild, sexual, raw, nasty, and everyone in the tent feels it. It feels like a jungle, hot, humid and smelly and it is so utterly delicious I cannot stand it. T and I are grinding, touching, kissing like porn stars and it is fantastic, I am just a rolled-up ball of sensation, being vibrated from my toes to my head and I almost lose my mind. It is getting dark and I head to the perimeter of the tent to give some light shows and it feels wonderful to let my fingers play with the music and it feels wonderful to see everyone’s smiles and know that they are happy. Several of our friends have never had a light show before, and they are ecstatic.
It is 8:15 or 8:30 and I take my second pill and it hits FAST, I am on the dance floor and T and I look at each other and make our way out of the tent to go sit down…I am totally floored for about 5 or 10 minutes, unable stand or move or do anything but let my eyes wiggle. We talk about Us, about the end of our relationship, the whys and hows and we know that we love each other very much, and we know that when she leaves tomorrow it will be a beginning and not an ending. When we head back into the tent we realize this act is over and find our friends, who are about to head to the main stage for the beginning of *****’s set. ******** closes with “Zombie Nation” and I am delighted to hear some classic trance. I am just dancing by myself with my gloves now, covering myself with light and enjoying the feeling of moving to music. I meet a kid who is just starting to glove and I talk to him for a bit, he is enthusiastic and appreciative. I meet another kid from LA who absolutely melts my face, and I am happy to find someone on the East Coast who is really, really good.
I am wonderfully, wonderfully happy, and the world seems entirely composed of light and sound. I end up somehow standing next to C and we are talking for a moment, but I cannot remember what she is saying as I write this. Here is where something terribly, terribly wrong happens. She is saying some of the usual things one says when they are rolling… “I’m so glad we’re all here, I’m so glad you’re in my life” and the like. I hear something else, although I do not know if I actually heard it or not. I hear her say something like “but you and I, there is something special, isn’t there? Something no one else has.” I cannot emphasize this enough: I have NO IDEA if she actually said this. I only know this is what I am perceiving. For a brief, shining moment, I feel the truth of this to my absolute core. For a moment, I look at her and I know it is true. I look at her and I realize—not think—realize fully and deeply, that I have met the girl I am going to marry. The air is full of blue and green lasers, and the song playing is “Not Giving Up On Love.” And then something twists deep in my mind and everything falls away.
I can feel it I can feel it oh godohgodohgodohgod I’ve lost it I’ve lost my mind I FELT IT I FELT IT SNAP like a bone breaking a shoulder slipping out of its socket the world has just inverted itself and nothing is right nothing is real let me tell you my delusion my little fantasy hahahahaaha isn’t it funny? So funny I’ll tell you all about it you see C and I we are preordained destined made for each other we are Supposed To Be Together not like you or your mother and father are Good For Each Other nonononono C and I we are the only real ones the universe has meant us for each other our lives everyone’s lives up to this point have been fake false facsimiles of unreality we know THE TRUTH now we ARE THE TRUTH NOW and everything has to change everything must reorient itself around THE TRUTH which is that we must face our destiny we are star-crossed we are archetypal we are The Lovers transcending time and space and rationality I cannot tell you this enough times WE ARE THE ONLY REAL ONES and we HAVE TO BE TOGETHER because this is what the universe has decreed from on high this is the truth of existence and because this is impossible because this is not any reality I can believe in well I guess hahahahahahaha I’m sorry I guess your little mind is just going to have to fall all to pieces here now watch yourself watch yourself try to pull it together T’s trying to figure out what went wrong but looky here I’ll tell you what she’s not real either and neither is this field neither are all these people neither is YOUR LIFE YOU PATHETIC LITTLE SPECK NONE OF THIS IS REAL it’s all a psychotic hallucination everything and everyone and your whole life heehee you’re not even a person you’re just the imagination of yourself, the fever-dream of some poor institutionalized schmuck in a padded cell upstate you’re about to black out and wake up in that cell not knowing who you are or what your life is or how you got here and
NO I WILL PULL IT TOGETHER I WILL PULL IT TOGETHER I AM IN CHARGE HERE
no I’m not no I’m not because it’s not me it’s Fate that we’re to be together see here everything makes sense look T is angry because she is being pushed aside because the only purpose of our relationship was for C and I to meet to realize THE TRUTH so we can step out of this reality and into our own and now she’s talking to C and C is next to me telling me she did NOT mean it like that she did NOT but I see the look in her eyes and I know she’s telling me this to protect me to protect US from the people who would try to break us apart because T can’t know that this is THE TRUTH hahahahahaha see I’ll show you how look C says to me “It’s only a big deal if WE make it a big deal” see she’s in on it she knows THE TRUTH and knows that we have to keep it quiet keep it secret from everyone who’s trying to hurt us or take our destiny from us we have to protect ourselves
oh my god I did it I actually did it I’ve unglued my brain broken my mind awakened some long-latent schizophrenia look at this what am I thinking what am I doing these thoughts are IMPOSSIBLE they can’t be true but there is NOTHING anyone can do or say to convince me that they might not be true and god if there is even a CHANCE that they might be true how can I ignore them I have to follow them because if this is what the universe wants I can’t ignore it I’m not allowed to now I get it now I get these paranoid violent stalkers look that’s going to be me because even C can’t tell me anything to convince me that’s not what she meant if she says it she’s just trying to protect me and I know the TRUTH I see where this goes I see myself violent standing over her fists clenched demanding to know WHY WON’T YOU ADMIT THE TRUTH YOU KNOW IT AS WELL AS I DO WE ARE FOR EACH OTHER AND EACH OTHER ONLY
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck this is where I will be for the rest of my life in this netherworld of surreality unable to distinguish where thought ends and reality begins hahahahahaha what a silly boy you are there is no reality nothing at all real only fabrications of this misfiring neural wiring in your head in the morning I have to call my parents have to tell them what happened just come clean tell them I need help they’ll put me on an antipsychotic haldol something to pull me out of this I’ll be done that’ll be the end of things my life is effectively over but at least I won’t be CRAZY anymore I just need to call them but OHHHHHHH FUCK none of this is even real and neither are they hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa I’ll just call my imaginary parents and they’ll come in an imaginary car to pick me up me who doesn’t even know who me is because it’s all unreality won’t someone please please please help me I am talking to A, asking him if we won’t please sit down and talk to me help me find myself again.
We sit, and we talk. I explain where I am, not sure if he understands. He tells me that I am obviously tripping face, but something that was said has clearly resonated with me very strongly and that perhaps, just maybe we aren’t in fact fated lovers beyond time and space, but that maybe there is some sort of connection, and this is why I’m bugging, and maybe something really really wonderful has just happened in my life. This thought is comforting, it pulls me at least a bit out of my loop though I still find it difficult to shake, and as the event comes to a close I feel myself slowly returning to reality, seeing the headspace where I became stuck for what it was—a drug-induced state and not my future self, and I realize that I am going to be ok. I am deeply, deeply shaken as we begin our long journey back to ****** but by the time I am back in my room I am sober and lucid, still processing what has happened. I need a long break from ALL drugs—this was as close to the edge as I ever want to get and I will need a significant amount of time to consolidate myself, especially before tripping again.
I have been over the edge, I have seen madness, and I have returned mostly intact. This in and of itself is valuable, though I am not sure exactly how. It is time to relax and enjoy the world outside of my own head for a while.
. 
