Sykoknot
Bluelight Crew
I've decided to finally make a legitimate report of a life changing experience I had. I've talked about it alot throughout the months but had never made a full report. So here we go.
Age at time of experience: 16
Current age: Almost 18
Dose:
-150mg pure MDMA
-4 Blotters (150ug each)
-1/2ounce cannabis throughout the night.
Some background on my fellow trippers. My girlfriend I had lived with for 6 months at the time. We were at a healthy point in our relationship.
My friend [T] had been my best friend for a long time. Because of a girl we had stopped talking for almost a year, and had recently begun hanging out again. He had gone through a meth addiction for about six months [one of the reasons we quit talking] but had recently got clean.
Setting: A friday night at me and my girlfriends house.
Set:Decent, not happy, but not sad or anxious.
So around 9pm we began discussing things to do that night. I had a large amount of many different psychs, stimulants, and herb. We settled on just rolling. After insufflating ~50mg of pure MDMA each we began talking and listening to music. As the effects took hold a great euphoria took over, greater than any I have felt from MDMA ever. Me and my friend T had a long talk, ecstatic to have each other as a friend again. My girlfriend just sat back relaxing most of the time. We decided to take another 100mg of MDMA, orally.
Half an hour or so after ingestion we decided to take some LSD. We started off with one hit each. Still feeling super powerful euphoria, listening to music and just talking. Life felt perfect with my friend back. We ended up dropping 3 more hits over the next hour. Visuals were now combining with the euphoria to create a dreamland. Still just talking and listening to music.
After about an hour we went to smoke some weed. While smoking the bowl I began to realize T could possibly be in a very delusional state. I felt that he might have taken this reunion of friendship to deeply. He began talking about how he's going to start hanging out with us everyday, and how he never wants to see his other friends again.
After a while of analyzing him, with what I found to be more and more evidence of his delusional state, I started having strong, unshakable anxiety. I felt that if I made the wrong move, or said the wrong thing, it could trigger anger within him. Anger that his delusion of this perfect friendship could be broken. I felt if everything wasn't perfect and how he felt it should be he could just snap.
I began voicing my feelings, and I could (well I think I) see a dawning of comprehension on his face. But his comprehension of the situation was that I didnt want to be friends with him at all. I began to fear he was massively angry, and felt my life could be in danger. I was voicing all this aloud to him and my girlfriend. He kept saying everything was fine, and that he wasn't going to kill me or anything. But I couldn't help but hear deception in his voice. It began seeming everything he said was evil, it was a lie. My gf seemed to believe his words.
After a while of sitting motionlessly in a chair being consumed by fear, I looked over at T. He was looking at me, with fire erupting from behind him, his eye sockets black, and a grin across his face. The whole scene broke apart into square shaped pieces, flying around in jerky motions, and every few minutes would form back into his evil grin staring down at me.
Then blackness.
I woke up the next morning, sober, but still under the impression my life was in danger from T. I tried to talk casually to him, as my logical mind new that my delusion wasn't real. But the feeling of fear did not dissipate. I finally asked him to leave, and said it in a frantic rude way, which he obviously took offense to.
For the next month I lived in a psychosis, where day after day my life was in danger, and T was waiting for a good time to kill me. My fear was crippling. I could not leave the house without breaking down into tears.
After a while my girlfriend thought I was a freak, she didn't understand what was happening to me at all, no matter how much I tried to explain. The hard thing was I knew that I was in a psychosis, part of me knew what was real, and what was my hallucinations. But knowing wasn't enough. My girlfriend gave up on me completely, and broke up with me. This didn't help my mental stability whatsoever.
After the break up I moved in with my mom, up in the mountains away from the city. Living there is where I finally started recovering from the experience, which at this point, was 3 months ago.
I was diagnosed with severe OCD, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression. I refused to take meds.
So life went on, making little bits of progress everyday. By fourth months post-trip, I was comfortable to go outside in the city again. I had little glimpses of moments that were anxiety-free.
Now, eight months later, Im down to having 2-3 panic attacks a month, but otherwise fairly happy. I had moved with my mom to Texas (I was in New Mexico before) which has helped to get away from the place that holds all these memories.
I have left alot out of this report for the sake of length. But it has been an 8 month long recovery from that single experience. Weed is now ruined for me, and causes nothing but anxiety. I have since only rolled once, and have not tripped, aside from DXM. I still have minute amounts of fear about doing LSD again, but I know I want to. Perhaps ill just keep some benzos at hand.
Anywhoo, I would be a completely different person if it weren't for that trip, I probably wouldn't be on bluelight, or as knowledgeable about how to treat anxiety and depression. I feel for all the pain it brought me, it gave me an equal amount of insight and awareness.
Thanks for reading.
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_mdma
Age at time of experience: 16
Current age: Almost 18
Dose:
-150mg pure MDMA
-4 Blotters (150ug each)
-1/2ounce cannabis throughout the night.
Some background on my fellow trippers. My girlfriend I had lived with for 6 months at the time. We were at a healthy point in our relationship.
My friend [T] had been my best friend for a long time. Because of a girl we had stopped talking for almost a year, and had recently begun hanging out again. He had gone through a meth addiction for about six months [one of the reasons we quit talking] but had recently got clean.
Setting: A friday night at me and my girlfriends house.
Set:Decent, not happy, but not sad or anxious.
So around 9pm we began discussing things to do that night. I had a large amount of many different psychs, stimulants, and herb. We settled on just rolling. After insufflating ~50mg of pure MDMA each we began talking and listening to music. As the effects took hold a great euphoria took over, greater than any I have felt from MDMA ever. Me and my friend T had a long talk, ecstatic to have each other as a friend again. My girlfriend just sat back relaxing most of the time. We decided to take another 100mg of MDMA, orally.
Half an hour or so after ingestion we decided to take some LSD. We started off with one hit each. Still feeling super powerful euphoria, listening to music and just talking. Life felt perfect with my friend back. We ended up dropping 3 more hits over the next hour. Visuals were now combining with the euphoria to create a dreamland. Still just talking and listening to music.
After about an hour we went to smoke some weed. While smoking the bowl I began to realize T could possibly be in a very delusional state. I felt that he might have taken this reunion of friendship to deeply. He began talking about how he's going to start hanging out with us everyday, and how he never wants to see his other friends again.
After a while of analyzing him, with what I found to be more and more evidence of his delusional state, I started having strong, unshakable anxiety. I felt that if I made the wrong move, or said the wrong thing, it could trigger anger within him. Anger that his delusion of this perfect friendship could be broken. I felt if everything wasn't perfect and how he felt it should be he could just snap.
I began voicing my feelings, and I could (well I think I) see a dawning of comprehension on his face. But his comprehension of the situation was that I didnt want to be friends with him at all. I began to fear he was massively angry, and felt my life could be in danger. I was voicing all this aloud to him and my girlfriend. He kept saying everything was fine, and that he wasn't going to kill me or anything. But I couldn't help but hear deception in his voice. It began seeming everything he said was evil, it was a lie. My gf seemed to believe his words.
After a while of sitting motionlessly in a chair being consumed by fear, I looked over at T. He was looking at me, with fire erupting from behind him, his eye sockets black, and a grin across his face. The whole scene broke apart into square shaped pieces, flying around in jerky motions, and every few minutes would form back into his evil grin staring down at me.
Then blackness.
I woke up the next morning, sober, but still under the impression my life was in danger from T. I tried to talk casually to him, as my logical mind new that my delusion wasn't real. But the feeling of fear did not dissipate. I finally asked him to leave, and said it in a frantic rude way, which he obviously took offense to.
For the next month I lived in a psychosis, where day after day my life was in danger, and T was waiting for a good time to kill me. My fear was crippling. I could not leave the house without breaking down into tears.
After a while my girlfriend thought I was a freak, she didn't understand what was happening to me at all, no matter how much I tried to explain. The hard thing was I knew that I was in a psychosis, part of me knew what was real, and what was my hallucinations. But knowing wasn't enough. My girlfriend gave up on me completely, and broke up with me. This didn't help my mental stability whatsoever.
After the break up I moved in with my mom, up in the mountains away from the city. Living there is where I finally started recovering from the experience, which at this point, was 3 months ago.
I was diagnosed with severe OCD, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression. I refused to take meds.
So life went on, making little bits of progress everyday. By fourth months post-trip, I was comfortable to go outside in the city again. I had little glimpses of moments that were anxiety-free.
Now, eight months later, Im down to having 2-3 panic attacks a month, but otherwise fairly happy. I had moved with my mom to Texas (I was in New Mexico before) which has helped to get away from the place that holds all these memories.
I have left alot out of this report for the sake of length. But it has been an 8 month long recovery from that single experience. Weed is now ruined for me, and causes nothing but anxiety. I have since only rolled once, and have not tripped, aside from DXM. I still have minute amounts of fear about doing LSD again, but I know I want to. Perhaps ill just keep some benzos at hand.
Anywhoo, I would be a completely different person if it weren't for that trip, I probably wouldn't be on bluelight, or as knowledgeable about how to treat anxiety and depression. I feel for all the pain it brought me, it gave me an equal amount of insight and awareness.
Thanks for reading.
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_mdma
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