Substances:
4 lines cocaine spread over a few hours, last taken an hour before the actual trip.
T(00:00) 3 grams Peganum Harmala (Syrian rue)
T(00:15) 1.5 potent Hoffman blotters
Intro
I am 18 years old and the life is good. For the first time in my life I am really in love. I am home alone for an entire month. Set and setting is ok…
I have had experience with lsd, mushrooms, mdma, speed, cocaine and salvia. I did the harmala experiment before. Once with a half blotter and 3 grams of harmala, and a low mushroom dose with 3 grams harmala. I must say that I always feel very much at ease when combining a psychedelic with harmala. I usually feel like just laying still and enjoying the visual effects. This time wasn´t going to be much different…
T(00:00)
After ingesting the harmala seeds, I became somewhat tired. I lay myself down on my couch downstairs and took the acid. I took the 1.5 blotter in 1 time. The onset was rapidly. After about 10 minutes I saw the first visual distortions. But I didn’t feel like sitting/watching/listening to music, so I went upstairs in my room, dimmed the lights and decided to just lay down with my eyes closed and trip McKenna style.
T(00:25)
From here on time is a blur and I must say I don’t remember much more than clear visions and very vivid thoughts. I fell in a kind of delirium state.
I wrote the visions and events in the way I can remember them…
I went to lay down and the trip began. I closed my eyes and did my best to keep them closed. The trip started a bit frightening but I died very fast, I just gave in to the fear. The fear was nice and good and I accepted it. I saw a bright light, and my soul was opening. My body moved while this happenned, the drug led me. My body was in search of the most comfortable position to let this energy flow through me. After this I was free, free of my body and chains, free of all obstacles.
The drug took me to the greatest depths of natural evolution.
It showed me visions of great intelligent men during history, I saw men with crowns and horses. I saw concepts ideas, sex, enrichement, travels. All was pointed outwards. I had the idea of Total mind-expansion, constant enrichement of the mind. These things had to be my new goals.
I saw the earth with her compilation of different types of matter, the carbon and irons in her ground. I saw every piece of the World, I saw all it´s layers. I travelled through them and felt so connected. I saw the wonders of the world, but also the ugly underlying parts. I was taken to the depths of the earth, through a layer of corpses and garbage and pollution. I saw how mankind uses the fuels of mother earth and brings it back in the air so we will kill ourselves and the whole cycle will begin over and over again.
I saw The World and the Universe as something infintite. I saw a huge engine. A netwerk with wires and gears which fit together perfectly. The World was in constant movement.
I saw revolution is hanging in the air. Pieces and bits of films and books, things that people said, events… were linked together. All made sense now in a way…
Now that I understood the World, I felt I was ready to be a part of it. I was wandering around in my mind and I felt everything I could imagine. I imagined to be in a rollercoaster and I rushed down. I imagined the greatest sexual fantasies and lived them. I felt GOD
I was GOD in my own mind. I could be whomever I wanted, I could be an international terrorist, a homeless person or even a millionaire. Then I realised that I wanted to be myself, I wanted to live the life I had to the fullest.
Now I returned to my body and the opening to my soul closed again in the same way it opened. I got some of the same visions in reversed way, but most things didn’t fit anymore.
For example, I remember having a vision of a clock tower, like Big Ben. While having this vision I strectched my left arm vertically upwards, then my underam started to make circles with my elbow in the center of the circle. While this was happenning, in my mind the big tower fell apart. A very sad feeling came upon me…My First reaction was to put myself together again, like it was before. This gave only pain, I knew this was just a step backwards.
I remember having a vision of myself in a dark red pool of sadness. I was able to steer my way up. I didn´t want to go sit and cry and not knowing what to do.
The knowledge I had gained couldn´t just be ignored! There is only one way and that´s forward. Something changed inside of me. My inner form was changing. I stood up on my bed and started to turn around in circles and eventually I crawled together in a little ball. I saw myself transforming in a green-browny rock.
I saw people around me. Big ugly goblin—like people whom wanted to touch me with their dirty greedy fingers. They wanted to grab me, they wanted to steal from me. Then suddenly I started speaking out loud. I remembered my meditation…
I am a rock. I am solid and can not be manipulated in any way.
The idea that I was a rock gave me a very secure feeling.
For hours I wandered through a godlike nirvana-state between life and death and dream.
I felt like a mental patient who was doped up with a lot of paralyzing pills. During this time I had the feeling that everything was falling on it’s place. For the first time I had an idea how the World worked. I had constant aha-erlebnissen.
I remember moving my consciousness in the different body parts. I remember being in my eye. But I had my eyes closed… It was a dark reddish vision and there were lines which divided the reddish sight. I had the feel I could see everything, I could see so clearly now…
I also made strange movement with my mouth, trying to imagine how the perfect smile would be like. I tried to imitate it to have it myself.
I also started to make some strange noises, because sound is so important to make an impression. Maybe it was time for me to become somewhat more eloquent?
I felt nerves in my entire body opening themselves. During the trip I could feel every vein and especially my urinetube inside my body. It was the first time I ever felt those bodyparts so alive.
I was in state of complete joy and delirium. I saw a vision of perfect harmony. Yin and Yang. Then I thought; I wish I could feel this together with my girlfriend. Suddenly I awoke, I sensed I was completely different. I was out of my strange state of mind. I was crystal clear, I felt like a blank page.
There was a lot of confusion the day after.
Suddenly I heared some noise downstairs and the lights were on. A rush of adrenaline entered my body. I ran downstairs. While running I saw my girlfriends clothes laying somewhere. I felt possessed by the urge to defend my lair and wife. I yelled a battle cry. When downstairs I realised I had just left the lights on…
The clear state in which I awoken was gone. I felt I was in an entire new body. It didn´t feel natural. It was my lack of recognising the transformation that occured that had caused the panick. I called my girlfriend( lets call her C), whom sensed I was acting weird. She was at a party in another city but would come home soon. Somehow I felt the whole World knew what had happened to me, but that I just didn´t see it. I felt like being the target of a World wide conspiracy theory. It felt like all the word was eagerly waiting in anticipation for me to react and do that one thing. What that one thing was, I didn’t know. I might’ve understood how the World worked and I definetly wanted to be a part of it, but where was my role in the game?
T(07:15)
My girlfriend sent me a message when her train would depart. But I switched depart and arrival and thought she would arrive at the time. From the moment I read it i felt a hard pull. Like an invisible string which was attached to my feet. The pull was so hard that I still felt the pain for a few hours after. I rushed up my stairs back to my room to get some clothes, but fell underway… When outside, I felt very watched and I must’ve looked very goofy, but I just didn’t care. Somewhere I had the feeling that my gf must know what the fuck was going on with me.
I was way too early of course, which I realised after a second very confusing phone call at the station. I was/am soo impulsive. If I had just thought rational, I would’ve realised that it was impossible that her train would’ve arrived 10 minutes after her message. I was even worried about coming late at the station.
Another friend of mine who came from the same party as my girlfriend called me.(they know eachother, but don’t really have a real bond or party together) He asked me if there was a psytrance party at the time. I knew there was one in the same city but didn’t remember the exact location, so I gave them vague directions. He also noticed I was confused, but his words even confused me more…
The thing is, I was just being stupid. I felt so great this morning, I even had quite some energy. I felt like I had 1000’s of orgasms at a time. But why did I have to be so confused? Well, there was NO rational explanation for this.
Now, to repeat the question, where was the problem? I had a strange idea then that the World was just about sex and materialism. There are only 3 G´s in life, God, Gain and the G-spot… Money, sex and god. But now I saw how the World worked, I wasn´t completely happy with it. I was incapable of accepting the World as it is. I refuse to live in this World. I have to believe there is more to it, I am in search of deeper feelings. I want to be connected with people having the same wavelength of thinking. At the moment I believe I am living in an airbubble, cut apart from society. But at the same time I feel at ease and have received a sense of peace, which I believe have lost for quite a while.
She tried to understand my story and my feelings, but I´m not the best narrator…
She was very scared. I could see it in her eyes. She told me I had a blur before my eyes. A blur which I had some time ago when using lots of E and speed and smoking a lot of pot. This wasnt´t really hopefull.
We went to bed together that morning. She had an E-comedown so she slept like a rose. I couldn´t catch a real sleep. I couldn´t keep my concentration. I would just float away with my mind in a strange state of apathic joy. We laid enstrangled. She had cried a bit, me too to be honest. I didn´t feel ashamed, because it was just natural. The rest of the day we had spent together. I enjoyed her company more than I ver did before. I was still tripping the whole day.
My gf wanted to know when it finally ended… I never want her to relive that feeling again.
The day after the day after we went to a wedding of her side of the family. The wedding was conservative and simple, but to be honest I enjoyed it in a way. I am in search of the little things in life…
4 lines cocaine spread over a few hours, last taken an hour before the actual trip.
T(00:00) 3 grams Peganum Harmala (Syrian rue)
T(00:15) 1.5 potent Hoffman blotters
Intro
I am 18 years old and the life is good. For the first time in my life I am really in love. I am home alone for an entire month. Set and setting is ok…
I have had experience with lsd, mushrooms, mdma, speed, cocaine and salvia. I did the harmala experiment before. Once with a half blotter and 3 grams of harmala, and a low mushroom dose with 3 grams harmala. I must say that I always feel very much at ease when combining a psychedelic with harmala. I usually feel like just laying still and enjoying the visual effects. This time wasn´t going to be much different…
T(00:00)
After ingesting the harmala seeds, I became somewhat tired. I lay myself down on my couch downstairs and took the acid. I took the 1.5 blotter in 1 time. The onset was rapidly. After about 10 minutes I saw the first visual distortions. But I didn’t feel like sitting/watching/listening to music, so I went upstairs in my room, dimmed the lights and decided to just lay down with my eyes closed and trip McKenna style.
T(00:25)
From here on time is a blur and I must say I don’t remember much more than clear visions and very vivid thoughts. I fell in a kind of delirium state.
I wrote the visions and events in the way I can remember them…
I went to lay down and the trip began. I closed my eyes and did my best to keep them closed. The trip started a bit frightening but I died very fast, I just gave in to the fear. The fear was nice and good and I accepted it. I saw a bright light, and my soul was opening. My body moved while this happenned, the drug led me. My body was in search of the most comfortable position to let this energy flow through me. After this I was free, free of my body and chains, free of all obstacles.
The drug took me to the greatest depths of natural evolution.
It showed me visions of great intelligent men during history, I saw men with crowns and horses. I saw concepts ideas, sex, enrichement, travels. All was pointed outwards. I had the idea of Total mind-expansion, constant enrichement of the mind. These things had to be my new goals.
I saw the earth with her compilation of different types of matter, the carbon and irons in her ground. I saw every piece of the World, I saw all it´s layers. I travelled through them and felt so connected. I saw the wonders of the world, but also the ugly underlying parts. I was taken to the depths of the earth, through a layer of corpses and garbage and pollution. I saw how mankind uses the fuels of mother earth and brings it back in the air so we will kill ourselves and the whole cycle will begin over and over again.
I saw The World and the Universe as something infintite. I saw a huge engine. A netwerk with wires and gears which fit together perfectly. The World was in constant movement.
I saw revolution is hanging in the air. Pieces and bits of films and books, things that people said, events… were linked together. All made sense now in a way…
Now that I understood the World, I felt I was ready to be a part of it. I was wandering around in my mind and I felt everything I could imagine. I imagined to be in a rollercoaster and I rushed down. I imagined the greatest sexual fantasies and lived them. I felt GOD
I was GOD in my own mind. I could be whomever I wanted, I could be an international terrorist, a homeless person or even a millionaire. Then I realised that I wanted to be myself, I wanted to live the life I had to the fullest.
Now I returned to my body and the opening to my soul closed again in the same way it opened. I got some of the same visions in reversed way, but most things didn’t fit anymore.
For example, I remember having a vision of a clock tower, like Big Ben. While having this vision I strectched my left arm vertically upwards, then my underam started to make circles with my elbow in the center of the circle. While this was happenning, in my mind the big tower fell apart. A very sad feeling came upon me…My First reaction was to put myself together again, like it was before. This gave only pain, I knew this was just a step backwards.
I remember having a vision of myself in a dark red pool of sadness. I was able to steer my way up. I didn´t want to go sit and cry and not knowing what to do.
The knowledge I had gained couldn´t just be ignored! There is only one way and that´s forward. Something changed inside of me. My inner form was changing. I stood up on my bed and started to turn around in circles and eventually I crawled together in a little ball. I saw myself transforming in a green-browny rock.
I saw people around me. Big ugly goblin—like people whom wanted to touch me with their dirty greedy fingers. They wanted to grab me, they wanted to steal from me. Then suddenly I started speaking out loud. I remembered my meditation…
I am a rock. I am solid and can not be manipulated in any way.
The idea that I was a rock gave me a very secure feeling.
For hours I wandered through a godlike nirvana-state between life and death and dream.
I felt like a mental patient who was doped up with a lot of paralyzing pills. During this time I had the feeling that everything was falling on it’s place. For the first time I had an idea how the World worked. I had constant aha-erlebnissen.
I remember moving my consciousness in the different body parts. I remember being in my eye. But I had my eyes closed… It was a dark reddish vision and there were lines which divided the reddish sight. I had the feel I could see everything, I could see so clearly now…
I also made strange movement with my mouth, trying to imagine how the perfect smile would be like. I tried to imitate it to have it myself.
I also started to make some strange noises, because sound is so important to make an impression. Maybe it was time for me to become somewhat more eloquent?
I felt nerves in my entire body opening themselves. During the trip I could feel every vein and especially my urinetube inside my body. It was the first time I ever felt those bodyparts so alive.
I was in state of complete joy and delirium. I saw a vision of perfect harmony. Yin and Yang. Then I thought; I wish I could feel this together with my girlfriend. Suddenly I awoke, I sensed I was completely different. I was out of my strange state of mind. I was crystal clear, I felt like a blank page.
There was a lot of confusion the day after.
Suddenly I heared some noise downstairs and the lights were on. A rush of adrenaline entered my body. I ran downstairs. While running I saw my girlfriends clothes laying somewhere. I felt possessed by the urge to defend my lair and wife. I yelled a battle cry. When downstairs I realised I had just left the lights on…
The clear state in which I awoken was gone. I felt I was in an entire new body. It didn´t feel natural. It was my lack of recognising the transformation that occured that had caused the panick. I called my girlfriend( lets call her C), whom sensed I was acting weird. She was at a party in another city but would come home soon. Somehow I felt the whole World knew what had happened to me, but that I just didn´t see it. I felt like being the target of a World wide conspiracy theory. It felt like all the word was eagerly waiting in anticipation for me to react and do that one thing. What that one thing was, I didn’t know. I might’ve understood how the World worked and I definetly wanted to be a part of it, but where was my role in the game?
T(07:15)
My girlfriend sent me a message when her train would depart. But I switched depart and arrival and thought she would arrive at the time. From the moment I read it i felt a hard pull. Like an invisible string which was attached to my feet. The pull was so hard that I still felt the pain for a few hours after. I rushed up my stairs back to my room to get some clothes, but fell underway… When outside, I felt very watched and I must’ve looked very goofy, but I just didn’t care. Somewhere I had the feeling that my gf must know what the fuck was going on with me.
I was way too early of course, which I realised after a second very confusing phone call at the station. I was/am soo impulsive. If I had just thought rational, I would’ve realised that it was impossible that her train would’ve arrived 10 minutes after her message. I was even worried about coming late at the station.
Another friend of mine who came from the same party as my girlfriend called me.(they know eachother, but don’t really have a real bond or party together) He asked me if there was a psytrance party at the time. I knew there was one in the same city but didn’t remember the exact location, so I gave them vague directions. He also noticed I was confused, but his words even confused me more…
The thing is, I was just being stupid. I felt so great this morning, I even had quite some energy. I felt like I had 1000’s of orgasms at a time. But why did I have to be so confused? Well, there was NO rational explanation for this.
Now, to repeat the question, where was the problem? I had a strange idea then that the World was just about sex and materialism. There are only 3 G´s in life, God, Gain and the G-spot… Money, sex and god. But now I saw how the World worked, I wasn´t completely happy with it. I was incapable of accepting the World as it is. I refuse to live in this World. I have to believe there is more to it, I am in search of deeper feelings. I want to be connected with people having the same wavelength of thinking. At the moment I believe I am living in an airbubble, cut apart from society. But at the same time I feel at ease and have received a sense of peace, which I believe have lost for quite a while.
She tried to understand my story and my feelings, but I´m not the best narrator…
She was very scared. I could see it in her eyes. She told me I had a blur before my eyes. A blur which I had some time ago when using lots of E and speed and smoking a lot of pot. This wasnt´t really hopefull.
We went to bed together that morning. She had an E-comedown so she slept like a rose. I couldn´t catch a real sleep. I couldn´t keep my concentration. I would just float away with my mind in a strange state of apathic joy. We laid enstrangled. She had cried a bit, me too to be honest. I didn´t feel ashamed, because it was just natural. The rest of the day we had spent together. I enjoyed her company more than I ver did before. I was still tripping the whole day.
My gf wanted to know when it finally ended… I never want her to relive that feeling again.
The day after the day after we went to a wedding of her side of the family. The wedding was conservative and simple, but to be honest I enjoyed it in a way. I am in search of the little things in life…
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