Medications
Bluelighter
This trip happened a little over a month ago, so I’m sure there will be some details that will be left out because I no longer remember them, but for the most part it’s still well in my mind.
My friends and I had a condo on the beach in Ocean City for the weekend, I had been steadily drinking all day, and come 10 o’clock or so I was pretty drunk. My friend Mike(R.I.P.) tells me that he has some LSD, so we all head into the other room to partake. Prior to this, the only drugs I had ever done were alcohol, pot and salvia. I had never done any psychedelic that is even near the same level as LSD, although I had read a lot about it so I wasn’t completely unaware of what to expect. There were 6 of us in all, and we each took one paper blotter and one gel tab, I’m not sure what the dosage was.
After we’ve all taken it we decide to head down to the pier where they have rides and shit, including one of those slingshot bungee things that my friend Justin and I wanted to try. When I’m drunk I’m usually in an extremely good/happy mood, and find even the most mundane things funny. This all seemed to be magnified during the beginning stages of the LSD as we walked down the boardwalk towards the pier, and I was also felt slightly dizzy and lights seemed brighter.
My friend and I get in line for the slingshot ride as our other friends run around the park, and we finally strapped in and got launched about 40 minutes later, an hour after taking the LSD. I was pretty drunk and only feeling the beginning effects of the LSD, but the ride was ridiculous in that state, not scary at all but the feeling of freefall just felt endless and I could not stop laughing. They actually videotaped the ride for you that you could purchase afterwards, so we bought it and it can be seen HERE on Youtube.
After the ride we all head back to the room to drink some more and chill on the balcony before heading out again. We then all cram into a car and head to a bar about 40 blocks up to meet some people. My memory gets a little fuzzy here, at some point I wandered outside of the bar and went around back to piss, and I noticed my auditory senses had increased a lot, as I could seemingly hear full conversations going on inside the bar even though I was all the way around back. I don’t really remember what else occurred at the bar, just talking I suppose, but we all headed back to the room when it closed at 2am or so.
At this point it’s been around 2-3 hours since we dropped it, and we were all on the balcony drinking and staring out at the water. We were about 4 stories up, and it is around this time, 2:30am or so, when Justin begins to puke off the balcony. I go into panic mode, since the room is in my name and there were cops all along the boardwalk, and puking off the balcony is an easy way to draw a lot of unwanted attention. So I spring up and lead my friend to the bathroom. I get really paranoid now and my mind begins racing, I’m just waiting for the cops that saw him puking off the balcony to come pounding at the door, waiting for them to search the room and find certain things that we would not want them to find, waiting to get hauled away in a cruiser.
I just keep running through the worst case scenario in my head, and then my friend comes out of the bathroom, seemingly refreshed, and asks me to pour him a shot of Jäger. I pour him a shot and he drinks it and I go back to the fridge. When I close the fridge again, I see my friend come out of the bathroom again and ask me to pour him a shot of Jäger again, deja-vu, this happened two more times before I came to the realization that my trip was starting. I got somewhat dizzy, and the entire room began to warp, as though everything was now in super-slow motion.
At this point I’ve convince myself that I’ve officially lost all sense of time and reality. As far as I knew, the first time he came out of the bathroom and I poured him a shot was the last time I was in real-time, when I kept seeing the same exact thing happen multiple times is where I got left behind. I wander around the room, someone said something to me that just sounded like that slow-motion talk, but I remember responding with “It doesn’t matter I’ve lost all sense of reality.” I wander out into the hallway alone and approach a corner. At this point I look around and I am surrounded by corners, I am somehow boxed in. I am aware I am tripping, and am consciously attempting to not have a bad trip, so I decide to sit down until I can regain myself.
I remember it being utterly quiet; I’ve never experienced that kind of dead silence before, all I heard was my thoughts. I remember sitting Indian style, twiddling my thumbs, repeating to myself “I’ll sit here until I return to reality”. I made a tune out of it and began singing it, repeating it over and over for a while. I don’t know how long really since my perception of time was out the window. I could feel my thoughts begin to race, and I just kept trying to repeat that tune to stave them off, but I couldn’t. I was under the impression that I was in a different realm, I believed that my actual body was still in real-time, and that I was falling further and further behind, and I began to get scared of where I was going to find myself when I returned to what I believed to be real-time.
I got up in an attempt to go back into the room, but when I tried to find the room every door I walked past just had the same number on it, 423……423..….423…..423….I needed 427 but I couldn’t find it. I turned around and saw a window, and decided to rest my arms on the sill and stare out of it in hopes of getting me back to real-time quicker. I’m staring out this window overlooking other hotels and the main road of Ocean City, going over the worst case scenarios in my head once again. (I realized the next day that what I was seeing out of the window during the trip was not what is actually outside the window, I was seeing an image of several landmarks around ocean city that I remembered that were all somehow condensed into the frame of this window I was looking out of).
At this point I am fully convinced that my real body is elsewhere, and that I am stuck in some kind of dimension that is behind real-time. In my mind all I can think of is what I am actually doing and where I actually am in real-time. Then every subconscious or unconscious thought I’ve ever had began racing through my head. I remember hearing other voices as I ran through my thoughts, I couldn’t make out what they were saying but I could hear them. I believed that the voices were that of my friends who were in real-time, and that the thoughts I had going through my head was actually me hearing myself speaking out-loud in real-time to all my friends. Even though it’d be impossible for anyone to talk at the speed at which my thoughts were racing by. I believed that I could hear what was going on in real-time, but I was not there.
All the while I was apparently just alone in a dead-silent hallway staring out a window.
I remember having the thought of “I’m having a bad trip right now, oh shit, what if I’m reacting badly to the drug somehow and am being taken to the hospital, the cops have come and found drugs in the room, I lost my job, my life is fucked”. I then saw an ambulance driving by on the main road and believed that it was me in the ambulance, further convincing myself that I am going to find myself on a hospital bed when I return to reality. I then began to try to reason with myself and become content with that, telling myself that as long I am still alive and have my family and friends I will be alright. I told myself that I was just speculating and perhaps none of that is what is going on in real-time, maybe the cops didn’t come and I am not in a hospital.
I started thinking about how I wanted to wander down to the beach. I became engulfed in the thought that my real-time body was at the beach. I began to tremble as though I was really cold, and I believed this to be the effect of my real-time body being in ocean. I though that I could feel everything my body was doing in real-time, but I was still stuck wherever I was. I then became really scared that I was drowning, and I actually felt as though my lungs were filling up with water and that I was having trouble breathing. I remember thinking “holy shit, this is what it feels like to drown, this is what it feels like to die”. I had never felt that sort of fear before, and I went into panic mode again and quickly tried to think of anything else, and tried to remind myself of the fact that I was still tripping and that I probably wasn’t drowning, trying as hard as I could to get myself back to baseline thought and reality. But I wasn’t there yet.
The past couple months I had been really into books and articles that explore the ideas of parallel universes, multiverses, and anything relating to the cosmos in general. Once I convinced myself that I wasn’t dying, I began to think about whether or not I would be content if I did actually die, or if I was already dead. That in the grandness of this entire universe, things like losing a job or getting arrested, and basically any day-to-day activity I do is pretty trivial and insignificant in comparison. It’s the first time that I actually began to think that life itself, or whatever our conscious perception of reality is, is not the end of the road. At some point I just remember feeling complete contention with myself and the universe. I know that sounds really cliché and hippyish but it is what it is I guess, and I can now understand what people mean when they say that. I remember seeing out the window nothing but a white circle, and a black spiral thing in the middle. I don’t know what that was or what it meant, but I think that was the peak of whatever realizations I just had running through my head.
I remember that during this point that I came to the understanding of the point of 2001: A Space Odyssey and the star child, since I had just watched it for the first time a week prior and had been thinking about it. I’ve never felt this sort of contention with everything.
It was around this time that I started trying to get back to reality again, and I refocused on what was outside the window, and I saw 3 of my friends walking out from under the condo building down on the street. I was now sure that I was returning to reality since this is the first time in a while that I’ve seen something I recognize from real-time. As I continue to look out the window, I see the same image of my friends walking out from under the condo building occur 2 more times, sort of like deja-vu. Once I saw that, I realized that I was still not in reality, and that I still don’t know where my body is or what I’m doing in real-time.
Maybe 20 minutes later my 3 friends walk down the hallway yelling my name, I turn to look and see them, but I still believe I am not in reality. They are laughing asking if I’m alright, and I told them that I don’t know if they are real. They assure me that they are and that I am back in reality but I still don’t believe it. We go back into the room and all head to the balcony, and are now sitting looking out at the ocean. Whenever someone would talk I would be ok and feel like I am in reality again, and I would be relieved that apparently the cops never came and nothing went wrong and everything is perfectly ok. However there would be periods of quiet where no one would say anything for several minutes, and I would slip back into believing that this was not reality.
At one point I remember believing that I was actually dead, and that sitting on that balcony staring at the ocean was actually heaven or whatever afterlife there is. That the afterlife is just whatever your mind makes of it. Sort of like that movie What Dreams May Come. The friends I had on the balcony with me were not real, they were just figments of my dead conscious. But I was completely content with all this. The longer we sat there the more I finally came down and came back to reality for good, and I finally went to sleep at maybe 6am.
I felt completely enlightened by the entire ordeal; it started off bad but turned out good in the end. And it’s since peaked my interest in reading up on psychedelics and theories on dimensions of higher consciousness and all that sort of stuff. I’d definitely like to do it again, but in a more controlled environment where I can listen to music while tripping, and where there is nothing to trigger a bad trip, and where I won’t wind up alone somewhere like I managed to this time. Or maybe it’s better to do alone, I don’t know. I’ve noticed since doing it that my dreams are much more vivid, and I’ve had more lucid dreams than I used to. It opened up parts of my mind that I didn’t even know existed, kinda made me better understand who I am. And it’s got me curious to see what else is in there.
My friends and I had a condo on the beach in Ocean City for the weekend, I had been steadily drinking all day, and come 10 o’clock or so I was pretty drunk. My friend Mike(R.I.P.) tells me that he has some LSD, so we all head into the other room to partake. Prior to this, the only drugs I had ever done were alcohol, pot and salvia. I had never done any psychedelic that is even near the same level as LSD, although I had read a lot about it so I wasn’t completely unaware of what to expect. There were 6 of us in all, and we each took one paper blotter and one gel tab, I’m not sure what the dosage was.
After we’ve all taken it we decide to head down to the pier where they have rides and shit, including one of those slingshot bungee things that my friend Justin and I wanted to try. When I’m drunk I’m usually in an extremely good/happy mood, and find even the most mundane things funny. This all seemed to be magnified during the beginning stages of the LSD as we walked down the boardwalk towards the pier, and I was also felt slightly dizzy and lights seemed brighter.
My friend and I get in line for the slingshot ride as our other friends run around the park, and we finally strapped in and got launched about 40 minutes later, an hour after taking the LSD. I was pretty drunk and only feeling the beginning effects of the LSD, but the ride was ridiculous in that state, not scary at all but the feeling of freefall just felt endless and I could not stop laughing. They actually videotaped the ride for you that you could purchase afterwards, so we bought it and it can be seen HERE on Youtube.
After the ride we all head back to the room to drink some more and chill on the balcony before heading out again. We then all cram into a car and head to a bar about 40 blocks up to meet some people. My memory gets a little fuzzy here, at some point I wandered outside of the bar and went around back to piss, and I noticed my auditory senses had increased a lot, as I could seemingly hear full conversations going on inside the bar even though I was all the way around back. I don’t really remember what else occurred at the bar, just talking I suppose, but we all headed back to the room when it closed at 2am or so.
At this point it’s been around 2-3 hours since we dropped it, and we were all on the balcony drinking and staring out at the water. We were about 4 stories up, and it is around this time, 2:30am or so, when Justin begins to puke off the balcony. I go into panic mode, since the room is in my name and there were cops all along the boardwalk, and puking off the balcony is an easy way to draw a lot of unwanted attention. So I spring up and lead my friend to the bathroom. I get really paranoid now and my mind begins racing, I’m just waiting for the cops that saw him puking off the balcony to come pounding at the door, waiting for them to search the room and find certain things that we would not want them to find, waiting to get hauled away in a cruiser.
I just keep running through the worst case scenario in my head, and then my friend comes out of the bathroom, seemingly refreshed, and asks me to pour him a shot of Jäger. I pour him a shot and he drinks it and I go back to the fridge. When I close the fridge again, I see my friend come out of the bathroom again and ask me to pour him a shot of Jäger again, deja-vu, this happened two more times before I came to the realization that my trip was starting. I got somewhat dizzy, and the entire room began to warp, as though everything was now in super-slow motion.
At this point I’ve convince myself that I’ve officially lost all sense of time and reality. As far as I knew, the first time he came out of the bathroom and I poured him a shot was the last time I was in real-time, when I kept seeing the same exact thing happen multiple times is where I got left behind. I wander around the room, someone said something to me that just sounded like that slow-motion talk, but I remember responding with “It doesn’t matter I’ve lost all sense of reality.” I wander out into the hallway alone and approach a corner. At this point I look around and I am surrounded by corners, I am somehow boxed in. I am aware I am tripping, and am consciously attempting to not have a bad trip, so I decide to sit down until I can regain myself.
I remember it being utterly quiet; I’ve never experienced that kind of dead silence before, all I heard was my thoughts. I remember sitting Indian style, twiddling my thumbs, repeating to myself “I’ll sit here until I return to reality”. I made a tune out of it and began singing it, repeating it over and over for a while. I don’t know how long really since my perception of time was out the window. I could feel my thoughts begin to race, and I just kept trying to repeat that tune to stave them off, but I couldn’t. I was under the impression that I was in a different realm, I believed that my actual body was still in real-time, and that I was falling further and further behind, and I began to get scared of where I was going to find myself when I returned to what I believed to be real-time.
I got up in an attempt to go back into the room, but when I tried to find the room every door I walked past just had the same number on it, 423……423..….423…..423….I needed 427 but I couldn’t find it. I turned around and saw a window, and decided to rest my arms on the sill and stare out of it in hopes of getting me back to real-time quicker. I’m staring out this window overlooking other hotels and the main road of Ocean City, going over the worst case scenarios in my head once again. (I realized the next day that what I was seeing out of the window during the trip was not what is actually outside the window, I was seeing an image of several landmarks around ocean city that I remembered that were all somehow condensed into the frame of this window I was looking out of).
At this point I am fully convinced that my real body is elsewhere, and that I am stuck in some kind of dimension that is behind real-time. In my mind all I can think of is what I am actually doing and where I actually am in real-time. Then every subconscious or unconscious thought I’ve ever had began racing through my head. I remember hearing other voices as I ran through my thoughts, I couldn’t make out what they were saying but I could hear them. I believed that the voices were that of my friends who were in real-time, and that the thoughts I had going through my head was actually me hearing myself speaking out-loud in real-time to all my friends. Even though it’d be impossible for anyone to talk at the speed at which my thoughts were racing by. I believed that I could hear what was going on in real-time, but I was not there.
All the while I was apparently just alone in a dead-silent hallway staring out a window.
I remember having the thought of “I’m having a bad trip right now, oh shit, what if I’m reacting badly to the drug somehow and am being taken to the hospital, the cops have come and found drugs in the room, I lost my job, my life is fucked”. I then saw an ambulance driving by on the main road and believed that it was me in the ambulance, further convincing myself that I am going to find myself on a hospital bed when I return to reality. I then began to try to reason with myself and become content with that, telling myself that as long I am still alive and have my family and friends I will be alright. I told myself that I was just speculating and perhaps none of that is what is going on in real-time, maybe the cops didn’t come and I am not in a hospital.
I started thinking about how I wanted to wander down to the beach. I became engulfed in the thought that my real-time body was at the beach. I began to tremble as though I was really cold, and I believed this to be the effect of my real-time body being in ocean. I though that I could feel everything my body was doing in real-time, but I was still stuck wherever I was. I then became really scared that I was drowning, and I actually felt as though my lungs were filling up with water and that I was having trouble breathing. I remember thinking “holy shit, this is what it feels like to drown, this is what it feels like to die”. I had never felt that sort of fear before, and I went into panic mode again and quickly tried to think of anything else, and tried to remind myself of the fact that I was still tripping and that I probably wasn’t drowning, trying as hard as I could to get myself back to baseline thought and reality. But I wasn’t there yet.
The past couple months I had been really into books and articles that explore the ideas of parallel universes, multiverses, and anything relating to the cosmos in general. Once I convinced myself that I wasn’t dying, I began to think about whether or not I would be content if I did actually die, or if I was already dead. That in the grandness of this entire universe, things like losing a job or getting arrested, and basically any day-to-day activity I do is pretty trivial and insignificant in comparison. It’s the first time that I actually began to think that life itself, or whatever our conscious perception of reality is, is not the end of the road. At some point I just remember feeling complete contention with myself and the universe. I know that sounds really cliché and hippyish but it is what it is I guess, and I can now understand what people mean when they say that. I remember seeing out the window nothing but a white circle, and a black spiral thing in the middle. I don’t know what that was or what it meant, but I think that was the peak of whatever realizations I just had running through my head.
I remember that during this point that I came to the understanding of the point of 2001: A Space Odyssey and the star child, since I had just watched it for the first time a week prior and had been thinking about it. I’ve never felt this sort of contention with everything.
It was around this time that I started trying to get back to reality again, and I refocused on what was outside the window, and I saw 3 of my friends walking out from under the condo building down on the street. I was now sure that I was returning to reality since this is the first time in a while that I’ve seen something I recognize from real-time. As I continue to look out the window, I see the same image of my friends walking out from under the condo building occur 2 more times, sort of like deja-vu. Once I saw that, I realized that I was still not in reality, and that I still don’t know where my body is or what I’m doing in real-time.
Maybe 20 minutes later my 3 friends walk down the hallway yelling my name, I turn to look and see them, but I still believe I am not in reality. They are laughing asking if I’m alright, and I told them that I don’t know if they are real. They assure me that they are and that I am back in reality but I still don’t believe it. We go back into the room and all head to the balcony, and are now sitting looking out at the ocean. Whenever someone would talk I would be ok and feel like I am in reality again, and I would be relieved that apparently the cops never came and nothing went wrong and everything is perfectly ok. However there would be periods of quiet where no one would say anything for several minutes, and I would slip back into believing that this was not reality.
At one point I remember believing that I was actually dead, and that sitting on that balcony staring at the ocean was actually heaven or whatever afterlife there is. That the afterlife is just whatever your mind makes of it. Sort of like that movie What Dreams May Come. The friends I had on the balcony with me were not real, they were just figments of my dead conscious. But I was completely content with all this. The longer we sat there the more I finally came down and came back to reality for good, and I finally went to sleep at maybe 6am.
I felt completely enlightened by the entire ordeal; it started off bad but turned out good in the end. And it’s since peaked my interest in reading up on psychedelics and theories on dimensions of higher consciousness and all that sort of stuff. I’d definitely like to do it again, but in a more controlled environment where I can listen to music while tripping, and where there is nothing to trigger a bad trip, and where I won’t wind up alone somewhere like I managed to this time. Or maybe it’s better to do alone, I don’t know. I’ve noticed since doing it that my dreams are much more vivid, and I’ve had more lucid dreams than I used to. It opened up parts of my mind that I didn’t even know existed, kinda made me better understand who I am. And it’s got me curious to see what else is in there.
