This will be my last trip for a long time. What happened has stunned me and I have pulled all my courage and strength together to recall this clearly- for myself and others.
Last night (friday). Around 8pm I realize I don't want to go out, I want to be alone. I just broke up with my girlfriend about 10 days before. I have experienced a lot of depression and loss of will to live after this. Life just didn't seem as clear, life got dulled bad.
I knew that I had to start again and move on. I figured, "what better way to cope than go through a most likely bad trip, and learn to move on", kind of like those death to rebirth; hell to heaven trips you read about. I knew I had to pick a drastic dose but since I was to trip alone, I called 3 people and told them what I planned to do and to check on me if they had a chance.
I ate 5 hits of very potent blotter at 22:00. I had experience with these same ones before.. I had taken 2 and heard fleeting voices and saw moderately intense visuals, but didn't have ego loss or anything amazing happen.
Ok... so I put on a porno in the background and put in some trance music. The porn dvd had once helped save me from a bad trip by giving me something pleasureable to focus on, although it was laughably odd.
Only 10 minutes later, I felt it. No doubt about it, I felt the stimulation in my stomach and moving outward into my limbs. I knew I was in for one hell of a ride. I laid down and took deep breaths, as soon
(Let me estimate how many molecules I took, guesstimating the blotter is 80ug each... 323.43 g/mol.. i took .0004 grams: about 744519679683393624 molecules.. ~745 quadrillion)
the molecules entered my brain. The first mental effect I noticed was something relatively new. The music seemed to start wrapping itself around my head in weird ways, using what I could only imagine as extra dimensions. I then could see blue patterns swirling in and occasionally shifting to all kinds of colors such as purple and yellow, but only for split seconds; they usually remained blue. I had my eyes closed.
Then I got up and turned my laserpod on. It cast great patterns even in the light of the TV. I started at the twisting geometries for a moment then closed my eyes. I thought about how intense the trip will get and if it will end up helping. I thought about my ex and how large of a chunk it took out of my happyness for life, and how much control she really had on me because of that.
***
I laid there for a while as the trip rose to extreme intensities. I think it was about 23:30 when the fear hit hard. I mean BAM! It was horribly clear, more real than reality itself. There was no leashing this fear or caging it, or reasoning with it. Pure chemical and emotional terror. I saw faces forming and unforming EVERYWHERE. Then there were the cubes in the ceiling... they looked literally like they were miles up in my ceiling, huge rotating forms as big as skyscrapers. Needless to say I had no depth perception. I got up to try to go to the bathroom when the fear hit me even harder. Standing up was like going into a different body completely.
...Soon, there was no more Earth, I was one with the swirling chaos of something registering in my distant mind as very important, although I crossed the language barrier, only strange concepts appeared. I saw a red creature that looked kind of like a "devil" but with a very long face, and more humanlike. He appeared evil but upon meeting him I sensed he was neutral, maybe positive. He handed me a large icy sliver, and when I touched it with my extension (it wasn't an arm anymore.. I don't know what the hell it became).. the red creature became blue, multicolored, and then distorted away into the rapidly melting and pulsing background which was no longer recognized as my room.
I don't remember a good 2 hours after this unfortunately. D said he came to my place around 1:00am, let himself in and saw me gripping my glass table as if holding on for my life. He says it was as if I saw right through him and didn't move when he came in. He got nervous and called my name. I moved my head to look at him, then frantically jumped up, knocking the table over. He put out his arms and told me to calm down. I laid down on the floor and closed my eyes.
The next thing I remember is coming to.. in some fantasy land, looking at a circus of strange events from a few hundred meters above; I was floating and didn't have or know of a body. There were strange noodle shapes melting in and out of a neon background. This scene faded and I appeared on the ground, with a body (although very distorted) staring at the polygons up in the ceiling. I found part of my identity and past and realized what happened. I tried to get up but was very sore. Pain struck me all over; maybe from clenching onto the table. Luckily it wasn't broken. D was on the couch watching Where the Buffalo Roam. I greeted him with a nod and finally stood up.
The rest of the night was spent laying on the couch trying to talk to D but couldn't find the right words. D passed out and I soon followed after some valiums. I finally went to sleep around 7am.
I am still remembering details.. will probably have more stuff to say about what happened. Although I got no insight into my personal issues, I was propelled to some other realm where they didn't exist. But other than a temporary escape and huge mindfuck, I don't know how valuable this trip was. I still feel confused and my mind not all together.
EDIT: OK.. I remember more. When chilling in my room today trying to ease my mind with music and stuff, playing the same trance as I did last night when tripping, a few things popped into my head. But most of them can't be put into words, they are beyond what can be even imagined. I can't imagine them, I just recall some bizarre scenes existing completely out of this reality and in some strange place of darkness and confusion, death-like. But also periods of peaceful nothingness. At one point, probably coming up to the peak, I was being thrashed and abused by a blue flame looking entity with a sickeningly bright blue face. Scenes were constantly changing. Every second brought something new and terrifying, although after a while I lost the sense of fear and became as one with everything. Thats about all I can recall now.
Last night (friday). Around 8pm I realize I don't want to go out, I want to be alone. I just broke up with my girlfriend about 10 days before. I have experienced a lot of depression and loss of will to live after this. Life just didn't seem as clear, life got dulled bad.
I knew that I had to start again and move on. I figured, "what better way to cope than go through a most likely bad trip, and learn to move on", kind of like those death to rebirth; hell to heaven trips you read about. I knew I had to pick a drastic dose but since I was to trip alone, I called 3 people and told them what I planned to do and to check on me if they had a chance.
I ate 5 hits of very potent blotter at 22:00. I had experience with these same ones before.. I had taken 2 and heard fleeting voices and saw moderately intense visuals, but didn't have ego loss or anything amazing happen.
Ok... so I put on a porno in the background and put in some trance music. The porn dvd had once helped save me from a bad trip by giving me something pleasureable to focus on, although it was laughably odd.
Only 10 minutes later, I felt it. No doubt about it, I felt the stimulation in my stomach and moving outward into my limbs. I knew I was in for one hell of a ride. I laid down and took deep breaths, as soon
(Let me estimate how many molecules I took, guesstimating the blotter is 80ug each... 323.43 g/mol.. i took .0004 grams: about 744519679683393624 molecules.. ~745 quadrillion)
the molecules entered my brain. The first mental effect I noticed was something relatively new. The music seemed to start wrapping itself around my head in weird ways, using what I could only imagine as extra dimensions. I then could see blue patterns swirling in and occasionally shifting to all kinds of colors such as purple and yellow, but only for split seconds; they usually remained blue. I had my eyes closed.
Then I got up and turned my laserpod on. It cast great patterns even in the light of the TV. I started at the twisting geometries for a moment then closed my eyes. I thought about how intense the trip will get and if it will end up helping. I thought about my ex and how large of a chunk it took out of my happyness for life, and how much control she really had on me because of that.
***
I laid there for a while as the trip rose to extreme intensities. I think it was about 23:30 when the fear hit hard. I mean BAM! It was horribly clear, more real than reality itself. There was no leashing this fear or caging it, or reasoning with it. Pure chemical and emotional terror. I saw faces forming and unforming EVERYWHERE. Then there were the cubes in the ceiling... they looked literally like they were miles up in my ceiling, huge rotating forms as big as skyscrapers. Needless to say I had no depth perception. I got up to try to go to the bathroom when the fear hit me even harder. Standing up was like going into a different body completely.
...Soon, there was no more Earth, I was one with the swirling chaos of something registering in my distant mind as very important, although I crossed the language barrier, only strange concepts appeared. I saw a red creature that looked kind of like a "devil" but with a very long face, and more humanlike. He appeared evil but upon meeting him I sensed he was neutral, maybe positive. He handed me a large icy sliver, and when I touched it with my extension (it wasn't an arm anymore.. I don't know what the hell it became).. the red creature became blue, multicolored, and then distorted away into the rapidly melting and pulsing background which was no longer recognized as my room.
I don't remember a good 2 hours after this unfortunately. D said he came to my place around 1:00am, let himself in and saw me gripping my glass table as if holding on for my life. He says it was as if I saw right through him and didn't move when he came in. He got nervous and called my name. I moved my head to look at him, then frantically jumped up, knocking the table over. He put out his arms and told me to calm down. I laid down on the floor and closed my eyes.
The next thing I remember is coming to.. in some fantasy land, looking at a circus of strange events from a few hundred meters above; I was floating and didn't have or know of a body. There were strange noodle shapes melting in and out of a neon background. This scene faded and I appeared on the ground, with a body (although very distorted) staring at the polygons up in the ceiling. I found part of my identity and past and realized what happened. I tried to get up but was very sore. Pain struck me all over; maybe from clenching onto the table. Luckily it wasn't broken. D was on the couch watching Where the Buffalo Roam. I greeted him with a nod and finally stood up.
The rest of the night was spent laying on the couch trying to talk to D but couldn't find the right words. D passed out and I soon followed after some valiums. I finally went to sleep around 7am.
I am still remembering details.. will probably have more stuff to say about what happened. Although I got no insight into my personal issues, I was propelled to some other realm where they didn't exist. But other than a temporary escape and huge mindfuck, I don't know how valuable this trip was. I still feel confused and my mind not all together.
EDIT: OK.. I remember more. When chilling in my room today trying to ease my mind with music and stuff, playing the same trance as I did last night when tripping, a few things popped into my head. But most of them can't be put into words, they are beyond what can be even imagined. I can't imagine them, I just recall some bizarre scenes existing completely out of this reality and in some strange place of darkness and confusion, death-like. But also periods of peaceful nothingness. At one point, probably coming up to the peak, I was being thrashed and abused by a blue flame looking entity with a sickeningly bright blue face. Scenes were constantly changing. Every second brought something new and terrifying, although after a while I lost the sense of fear and became as one with everything. Thats about all I can recall now.
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