malakaix
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2008
- Messages
- 3,054
Im assuming alot of you have experienced this at least once through psychedelic use. I don't think this trip report will be as interesting as some others as it deals purely with the ego.. but i wanted to share 
The timing of this trip was perfect for me, because i needed to understand a few things about myself.. and i had days where i didn't need to be anywhere or have anyone visit me.
I took a dose of 2 1/2 hits of LSD at 9:10pm within my room with the intention of exploring my psyche, understanding it and ultimately making changes to myself. At first i allowed myself to be distracted by tv, music and anything which caught my eye as the effects of the drug began too take effect.. by around 10:30 i accepted that i was within the peak.. turned off my tv, turned the music off and layed down on my bed in the dark. I knew what was about to happen would be of the highest intensity as i had briefly experienced it before.. but nothing could of prepared me for what ultimately took place.
I started to feel it get deeper, but was in denial about what was starting to happen, i remembered i always wanted to try draw while peaking.. so i grabbed a peice of paper and began to see what my mind could bring up.. i didnt last longer then 10seconds drawing before i felt a jolt through my entire body and hiss from my mouth.. like i had just hit a wall within my mind. This scared the shit out of me initially cause i then looked at the paper and saw a circle with a small triangle below it (I instantly thought of the 'The Devil') I scribbled over it as fast as i could and went too lay back on my bed.
It was around 11:00pm now and i could feel it getting deeper, i started to get paranoid and little insecurity's about my life started to become more visible, i started to get cold chills and the slightest noise of the wind sounded 100x louder and i started to feel afraid.. my hands were sweating and started to feel more edgy.
Around 11:30pm i began to understand the absolute power of the drug, i started talking to myself explaining how can people go through life just accepting everything, not even questioning there own lifes and wasting themselves away.. and i suddenly felt a rush of tingling within my head and it clicked.. this is ME. I'm wasting my life away down the drain.. i just explained MYSELF, i started to feel extreme self pity, loathing of myself and absolute disgust, i flopped myself onto the bed and it was at this point i realized how i was carrying myself.. like i had just accepted self defeat, i understood what was happening.. that it was combining all my insecurity's together to lead upto an ultimate fear, this feeling was of no other.. absolutely degrading to myself.
By 12:00 i believe i had entered to final stages of my ego's deconstruction, i began to shake violently.. my teeth began too rattle and i could hear it with unbelievably clarity, i was sweating.. my blood pressure was elevated, o became incredibly anxious, i began too hyperventilate curled up in a ball on my bed. I believed this too be the pinnacle of my identity's destruction.. this was of 'pure' terror.. and what i believe too be the most extreme example of fear a human being can experience, and it was at this time that i could hear my memories unraveling.. all thoughts of who i was.
This was over within 5mins or so (I lost track of time) and i essentially felt 'dead' or 'relieved' i lay on my bed just starting at the roof.. i don't quite know how to describe it, it was as if i just became some sort of 'energy' or an 'entity' of sorts. I had no recollection of what was reality.. i just 'was'. I slowly over time became aware of my body, my location.. what had happened and where i was. I used music to as liberation.. and began to rebuild my ego.. i felt such power, raw energy.. a heightened sense of life and existence.. i cant even find a word to explain the feeling, i guess it was almost like a state of 'ecstasy'.
I never ever write my thoughts down when i trip, i forget or always get so caught up in what im doing. But this time i began to try understand in great detail while my mind was stimulated what exactly i went through.
As i started to write down my thoughts the biggest realization i came to see was a 'choice' one has to make when coming out of such a transformation. ** Height of Productivity OR A State of Utter Bliss ** I realized this because as i started to 'think' and understand what had happened i felt fear seep back in, this is where i realized the ego exists solely for the purpose of suppressing FEAR and boosting CONFIDENCE. Our fears exist as part of the ego, this is why after i went through an ego death i felt within a bubble.. a state of utter bliss, increased speech and awareness, but basic thought infects this bubble.. which ultimately leads back too our fears. I see music as a carrier of emotion and the particular music i was listening too (Psytrance) i believe wasn't provoking any sort of 'thought' too allow for this too happen, it was pure emotion. (I understand some Psytrance has phrase's from movies or quotes, however mine was purely beats.)
I came too the conclusion that - To experience a fearless life (of complete inner peace) is only that to of God or a Higher Power. - (Essence of Ego Death.)
Fear makes us human, and the ego is established to separate that from confidence. Your Ultimate Fear is Fear of yourself.
I even ended up listing the different stages of the minds deconstruction through the use of psychedelics from moderate too extreme. (Or at least what i interpreted it as.. im sure other people have there own ways of understanding it.)
1. Denial
2. Paranoia/Insecurity's
3. Self-Pity/Loathe/Disgust
4. Extreme Anxiety/Panic/Terror
5. Ego Death.
I might be wrong with certain things i've said here, this is only the second time i've been through it.. the first time i wasn't expecting it or prepared for it to understand exactly what happened. But this was the first time where i went in with the intention of fully understanding it on an intense scale. A Dark room with nothing by my thoughts.
I'm still in total awe at what 'makes us up' the driving force behind what identify's us for who we are. I definitely came out of this a different person, it's changed the way i see alot of things. I dont think i will go through this again on the scale that i did or at least for a long time.. because i dont believe its possible to ever conquer your ultimate fear for its what makes us human.. but i do believe in trying to understand it better and build upon it.
Thankyou.
substancecode_lsd
explevel_experienced
The timing of this trip was perfect for me, because i needed to understand a few things about myself.. and i had days where i didn't need to be anywhere or have anyone visit me.
I took a dose of 2 1/2 hits of LSD at 9:10pm within my room with the intention of exploring my psyche, understanding it and ultimately making changes to myself. At first i allowed myself to be distracted by tv, music and anything which caught my eye as the effects of the drug began too take effect.. by around 10:30 i accepted that i was within the peak.. turned off my tv, turned the music off and layed down on my bed in the dark. I knew what was about to happen would be of the highest intensity as i had briefly experienced it before.. but nothing could of prepared me for what ultimately took place.
I started to feel it get deeper, but was in denial about what was starting to happen, i remembered i always wanted to try draw while peaking.. so i grabbed a peice of paper and began to see what my mind could bring up.. i didnt last longer then 10seconds drawing before i felt a jolt through my entire body and hiss from my mouth.. like i had just hit a wall within my mind. This scared the shit out of me initially cause i then looked at the paper and saw a circle with a small triangle below it (I instantly thought of the 'The Devil') I scribbled over it as fast as i could and went too lay back on my bed.
It was around 11:00pm now and i could feel it getting deeper, i started to get paranoid and little insecurity's about my life started to become more visible, i started to get cold chills and the slightest noise of the wind sounded 100x louder and i started to feel afraid.. my hands were sweating and started to feel more edgy.
Around 11:30pm i began to understand the absolute power of the drug, i started talking to myself explaining how can people go through life just accepting everything, not even questioning there own lifes and wasting themselves away.. and i suddenly felt a rush of tingling within my head and it clicked.. this is ME. I'm wasting my life away down the drain.. i just explained MYSELF, i started to feel extreme self pity, loathing of myself and absolute disgust, i flopped myself onto the bed and it was at this point i realized how i was carrying myself.. like i had just accepted self defeat, i understood what was happening.. that it was combining all my insecurity's together to lead upto an ultimate fear, this feeling was of no other.. absolutely degrading to myself.
By 12:00 i believe i had entered to final stages of my ego's deconstruction, i began to shake violently.. my teeth began too rattle and i could hear it with unbelievably clarity, i was sweating.. my blood pressure was elevated, o became incredibly anxious, i began too hyperventilate curled up in a ball on my bed. I believed this too be the pinnacle of my identity's destruction.. this was of 'pure' terror.. and what i believe too be the most extreme example of fear a human being can experience, and it was at this time that i could hear my memories unraveling.. all thoughts of who i was.
This was over within 5mins or so (I lost track of time) and i essentially felt 'dead' or 'relieved' i lay on my bed just starting at the roof.. i don't quite know how to describe it, it was as if i just became some sort of 'energy' or an 'entity' of sorts. I had no recollection of what was reality.. i just 'was'. I slowly over time became aware of my body, my location.. what had happened and where i was. I used music to as liberation.. and began to rebuild my ego.. i felt such power, raw energy.. a heightened sense of life and existence.. i cant even find a word to explain the feeling, i guess it was almost like a state of 'ecstasy'.
I never ever write my thoughts down when i trip, i forget or always get so caught up in what im doing. But this time i began to try understand in great detail while my mind was stimulated what exactly i went through.
As i started to write down my thoughts the biggest realization i came to see was a 'choice' one has to make when coming out of such a transformation. ** Height of Productivity OR A State of Utter Bliss ** I realized this because as i started to 'think' and understand what had happened i felt fear seep back in, this is where i realized the ego exists solely for the purpose of suppressing FEAR and boosting CONFIDENCE. Our fears exist as part of the ego, this is why after i went through an ego death i felt within a bubble.. a state of utter bliss, increased speech and awareness, but basic thought infects this bubble.. which ultimately leads back too our fears. I see music as a carrier of emotion and the particular music i was listening too (Psytrance) i believe wasn't provoking any sort of 'thought' too allow for this too happen, it was pure emotion. (I understand some Psytrance has phrase's from movies or quotes, however mine was purely beats.)
I came too the conclusion that - To experience a fearless life (of complete inner peace) is only that to of God or a Higher Power. - (Essence of Ego Death.)
Fear makes us human, and the ego is established to separate that from confidence. Your Ultimate Fear is Fear of yourself.
I even ended up listing the different stages of the minds deconstruction through the use of psychedelics from moderate too extreme. (Or at least what i interpreted it as.. im sure other people have there own ways of understanding it.)
1. Denial
2. Paranoia/Insecurity's
3. Self-Pity/Loathe/Disgust
4. Extreme Anxiety/Panic/Terror
5. Ego Death.
I might be wrong with certain things i've said here, this is only the second time i've been through it.. the first time i wasn't expecting it or prepared for it to understand exactly what happened. But this was the first time where i went in with the intention of fully understanding it on an intense scale. A Dark room with nothing by my thoughts.
I'm still in total awe at what 'makes us up' the driving force behind what identify's us for who we are. I definitely came out of this a different person, it's changed the way i see alot of things. I dont think i will go through this again on the scale that i did or at least for a long time.. because i dont believe its possible to ever conquer your ultimate fear for its what makes us human.. but i do believe in trying to understand it better and build upon it.
Thankyou.
substancecode_lsd
explevel_experienced
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