As some of you know, I've had some bad trips lately, but more due to set and setting than the dose. I wanted to have a positive trip badly; my 3rd eye needed squeegied. But this wasn't an ordinary wiping, it was an explosion of the eye.
8pm Friday. Finals are over, I've rested up some. I obtain 5 hits of very good blotter. I am at my apartment, with no one home above or below me. My good friend D comes over to have a beer and offered to be my trip sitter, which I greatly appreciated. I put on good music, some novelty lights and place the 5 hits on my tongue slowly, realizing in full what I was doing, taking in the moment.
9pm: I could actually taste it; usually I can't. It had a faint metallic taste. I swallow after leaving it sublingual for a few minutes. I take deep breaths and try to relax; I feel uneasy, knowing I just took a large dose. My friend M who got it for me, had taken 1 hit and had some identity loss, and had warned me not to take more than 2, but I am quite experienced and wasn't worried. I didn't want to take 2 or 3 then not go all the way; this 8 hours was to accomplish transcendance.. into some other reality.
9:30: it slowly then quickly takes hold. I feel nausea and muscular tension at first, followed by caffeine-like stimulation and spine tingles. Just minutes later some deep mental effects were beginning to manifest. I felt my reality- the room, music, presence of D, lights; become deeper, more alive, and "louder". The trance music was flowing through me in all ways possible it seemed. D sat there reading a book, occasionally exchanging a few words with me, asking how its going. "It's going... man, this is about to be deep" then this strange feeling overtakes me, as if D is controlling all my sensory input, on a control panel he was holding in his hand, it shined bright green circuitry and I saw a pen he was pressing onto it. "Did you...?" Looking back, this reminds me very much of in the Matrix when Neo touches the mirror and it liquifies, and he asks if they did it. D moves and looks at me, and I see it was just his book, but I am losing my mind quickly into a swarm of strange ideas and concepts lurking around, blending in with the input of the music. Soon I will not be able to hold onto the input which is everyday reality, it will be overtaken by something else much more, loud.
10:30- I try to drink from a cup but it splashes some and the water felt like it soaked right into me; it felt very cold, almost painful. The room breaths intensely, visuals begin to manifest in ways I've never even seen, or at least I don't remember... The white ceiling spirals into darker shades, and in the middle of a large spiral I see a purple hole with many shapes and arrangements of 3-d structure. I begin to feel fear and confusion. I lose all language around this point. Thoughts become very strange, strung out concepts I cannot describe nor remember well. I lose my identity and imagine myself as some point of consciousness in a huge digital system; I had become a program, being controlled by an operator, D. I didn't know anything about this operator, but I knew this entity had immense power. D appears to me as a very large, 10 foot tall robotic-suited reality God, still inputting data on the ingenius reality machine; its golden-green circuitry vibrating the whole area around it with disturbances.
~12: I get a glipse of my hands... they are green flaps of something, i have no idea what they are or what I am. Everything in the room is spinning and boiling, colors running together, very messy and hard to see but also overwhelming. The audio experience is almost as strange, with sounds running through my processing centers, mixing with visuals, strange dark echoes, alien menacing voices. Back and forth I go from observing the chaotic room to strange out of body experiences as I lay back on the couch and close my eyes. I visit a huge sphere, in it a large pool of neon blue liquid; my view changes to the surface of this liquid, just a few inches above it... yellow neon worms and all different colored worm like objects morph in and out. I jolt back to the room, I exist only as some type of energy... consciousness is just an inprint of disturbances on some kind of overlying field of energy.
~1: I come to, or my memory starts processing again; I am being held forcefully in bathroom, neon puke all over toilet seat and in it, intense confusion and fear sets in, panic. I spasm and seize, non-verbal thoughts related to "where am I? what am I? this isn't how its supposed to be!! I am in danger!!!" pop into my head. Throw D up against the mirror, didn't break it but almost. He vanishes out of sight. I kick the garbage can hard and break it (I don't know why but I remember it was seething with distortion and seemed alive).
D comes back with pills: blue diazepams. I sense kindness in this entity... he says some kind words but I don't understand, it was like music... accept its gift, set them on the sink; the godlike power of this robotic suited creature returns; then feelings of complete submission and fear of this God lead me to bow down and cry, and plead with it; D said I muttered nonsense, almost talking in some tribal tone... I was trying to ask for forgiveness of resisting. I don't take the valiums and he doesn't give them to me, seeing I seem to be non-violent afterall.
~2-4am: I lied on the floor by the speakers absolutely floored by the music, I had no idea what it was but I was existing in a state of pure bliss... intense deep thoughts I cannot remember, just hovering in a womb of transcending beauty... warmth was everywhere, warm vibrations flooding consciousness... overload feeling from earlier reduced to peaceful calm. I still didn't know what I was but I was ok with this, and knew things would work out.
4am: Coming down pretty fast, I begin to regain language and talk to D some. I first confirm if everything is ok. He loses his Godliness and a sense of peace but depression overtakes me as I crash some. I feel sad and confused. I was at such a beautiful place... but what is it really? Just a drug scrambling my brain? We weren't built to have these types of experiences on our own, does that mean they are invalid? Thoughts like these raced. I decided not to take a downer to sleep, and paid the price of not falling asleep until 8am. Until then, I just laid there thinking, about so many things, so much philosophy. I found peace with it in the end but never reached solid conclusions.
This was one of my best trips ever. The blissful place I was at was nothing like what can be achieved with ketamine, mdma, or any type of substance other than tryptamine, at least that I have tried. I was not I. I was taken to the core... whatever that means. I feel grateful having experienced such amazing depth, and will someday attempt this again. I have no regrets; this was beautiful and puts tears in my eyes thinking back.
8pm Friday. Finals are over, I've rested up some. I obtain 5 hits of very good blotter. I am at my apartment, with no one home above or below me. My good friend D comes over to have a beer and offered to be my trip sitter, which I greatly appreciated. I put on good music, some novelty lights and place the 5 hits on my tongue slowly, realizing in full what I was doing, taking in the moment.
9pm: I could actually taste it; usually I can't. It had a faint metallic taste. I swallow after leaving it sublingual for a few minutes. I take deep breaths and try to relax; I feel uneasy, knowing I just took a large dose. My friend M who got it for me, had taken 1 hit and had some identity loss, and had warned me not to take more than 2, but I am quite experienced and wasn't worried. I didn't want to take 2 or 3 then not go all the way; this 8 hours was to accomplish transcendance.. into some other reality.
9:30: it slowly then quickly takes hold. I feel nausea and muscular tension at first, followed by caffeine-like stimulation and spine tingles. Just minutes later some deep mental effects were beginning to manifest. I felt my reality- the room, music, presence of D, lights; become deeper, more alive, and "louder". The trance music was flowing through me in all ways possible it seemed. D sat there reading a book, occasionally exchanging a few words with me, asking how its going. "It's going... man, this is about to be deep" then this strange feeling overtakes me, as if D is controlling all my sensory input, on a control panel he was holding in his hand, it shined bright green circuitry and I saw a pen he was pressing onto it. "Did you...?" Looking back, this reminds me very much of in the Matrix when Neo touches the mirror and it liquifies, and he asks if they did it. D moves and looks at me, and I see it was just his book, but I am losing my mind quickly into a swarm of strange ideas and concepts lurking around, blending in with the input of the music. Soon I will not be able to hold onto the input which is everyday reality, it will be overtaken by something else much more, loud.
10:30- I try to drink from a cup but it splashes some and the water felt like it soaked right into me; it felt very cold, almost painful. The room breaths intensely, visuals begin to manifest in ways I've never even seen, or at least I don't remember... The white ceiling spirals into darker shades, and in the middle of a large spiral I see a purple hole with many shapes and arrangements of 3-d structure. I begin to feel fear and confusion. I lose all language around this point. Thoughts become very strange, strung out concepts I cannot describe nor remember well. I lose my identity and imagine myself as some point of consciousness in a huge digital system; I had become a program, being controlled by an operator, D. I didn't know anything about this operator, but I knew this entity had immense power. D appears to me as a very large, 10 foot tall robotic-suited reality God, still inputting data on the ingenius reality machine; its golden-green circuitry vibrating the whole area around it with disturbances.
~12: I get a glipse of my hands... they are green flaps of something, i have no idea what they are or what I am. Everything in the room is spinning and boiling, colors running together, very messy and hard to see but also overwhelming. The audio experience is almost as strange, with sounds running through my processing centers, mixing with visuals, strange dark echoes, alien menacing voices. Back and forth I go from observing the chaotic room to strange out of body experiences as I lay back on the couch and close my eyes. I visit a huge sphere, in it a large pool of neon blue liquid; my view changes to the surface of this liquid, just a few inches above it... yellow neon worms and all different colored worm like objects morph in and out. I jolt back to the room, I exist only as some type of energy... consciousness is just an inprint of disturbances on some kind of overlying field of energy.
~1: I come to, or my memory starts processing again; I am being held forcefully in bathroom, neon puke all over toilet seat and in it, intense confusion and fear sets in, panic. I spasm and seize, non-verbal thoughts related to "where am I? what am I? this isn't how its supposed to be!! I am in danger!!!" pop into my head. Throw D up against the mirror, didn't break it but almost. He vanishes out of sight. I kick the garbage can hard and break it (I don't know why but I remember it was seething with distortion and seemed alive).
D comes back with pills: blue diazepams. I sense kindness in this entity... he says some kind words but I don't understand, it was like music... accept its gift, set them on the sink; the godlike power of this robotic suited creature returns; then feelings of complete submission and fear of this God lead me to bow down and cry, and plead with it; D said I muttered nonsense, almost talking in some tribal tone... I was trying to ask for forgiveness of resisting. I don't take the valiums and he doesn't give them to me, seeing I seem to be non-violent afterall.
~2-4am: I lied on the floor by the speakers absolutely floored by the music, I had no idea what it was but I was existing in a state of pure bliss... intense deep thoughts I cannot remember, just hovering in a womb of transcending beauty... warmth was everywhere, warm vibrations flooding consciousness... overload feeling from earlier reduced to peaceful calm. I still didn't know what I was but I was ok with this, and knew things would work out.
4am: Coming down pretty fast, I begin to regain language and talk to D some. I first confirm if everything is ok. He loses his Godliness and a sense of peace but depression overtakes me as I crash some. I feel sad and confused. I was at such a beautiful place... but what is it really? Just a drug scrambling my brain? We weren't built to have these types of experiences on our own, does that mean they are invalid? Thoughts like these raced. I decided not to take a downer to sleep, and paid the price of not falling asleep until 8am. Until then, I just laid there thinking, about so many things, so much philosophy. I found peace with it in the end but never reached solid conclusions.
This was one of my best trips ever. The blissful place I was at was nothing like what can be achieved with ketamine, mdma, or any type of substance other than tryptamine, at least that I have tried. I was not I. I was taken to the core... whatever that means. I feel grateful having experienced such amazing depth, and will someday attempt this again. I have no regrets; this was beautiful and puts tears in my eyes thinking back.
