Acid - 2nd time - Amazing though difficult (totally rewritten)
I feel sorta bad for taking out the original, when this is written 4 days later and with a retrospective approach - but it is much better organised and written than it was previously.
Sorry it's long, but it is complete as I feel neccessary. 2-day analysis and 4-day analysis are at the end. (I'm doing all this because it's being of quite a lot of benefit to me).
{Rn} - ReferencePoint number n
Lead-up (New Year's eve - 6am)
I had just been home to see my parents for 2 weeks over christmas and had come back the day before new years to see my friends.
I did some pills (transformers) at an illegal rave on new years eve, it was really good.
It started off quite small with me and about 8 of my friends round, along with maybe 15 - 20 other people.
After a while it really picked up, and I felt really really good on pills for the first time in a 3/4 months.
Dancing was very easy (I am a great fan of dancing anyway, but this was brilliantly comfortable). I spoke to a lot of randoms asking them how 2002 had been and resolutions and shit, and I spoke to my friends.
We left at about 6 am to go back to my house and do acid. We had to leave a friend who had to stay there, she was a little annoyed and I felt a little guilty.
Start of tripping
I consumed 2 sugar cubes of acid at approximately 7am.
Things just built up nicely and for a while until about 10am I felt excellent. I can't remember at what time it happened but at some point I stopped being able to understand anything anyone was saying, and I pretty much stopped speaking.
Some of my friends went outside some of them stayed inside.
First time that the people went outside I did not go outside since the weather was awful, but I did know I wanted to go outside at some point.
When they came back I went outside with P and K, going outside was really making the most of it I must say - possibly just because it was a foward move, doing something, also maybe because it was less claustrophic in a wide open area.
I felt like I was considering a moment in time, something similar to the concept of non-duality. At some point I thought like I realised, that is the most there ever was, just the moment you are always in.
It really did feel amazing, it was just - almost non-dualism perhaps, it just felt like 'now' - the exact essense of 'now' I think that is how it felt
.
I did however dislike the weather which was foul (I would snatch at the chance to do good acid on a sunny day).
{R1}
I also felt that I had been outside long enough, and got very self-concious. I started thinking that the others inside would construe my actions as moving away from the group.
I think it was at that point that friends seemed to be talking in metaphors that I thought I understood, but I did not want to reply - my understanding seemed presumptous, did not want to make any commitment in any direction.
Every metaphor I spoke in seemed to be me chickening out of something - a lot of half sentences let me tell you.
I felt like the group was splitting in directions, and I could understand that each group had it's different way of talking. And it seemed to me to be getting quite strong.
I realised I might not know many of the people there in 10 or perhaps even 5 years time and this made me sad. I felt trapped.
At about 5 pm I was just a bit tripped and paranoid, I thought everyone wanted different things.
Anything I did try to say or do would just go totally wrong, I was on awful social form you might say. E.G - I put on a mix, first track: paranoid, I did laugh at it at the time, because it amused/suprised me but I changed the music as anyway.
I thought everyone just acts like who they are, and you have to be confident with who you are, each person just tells their own story, and does there own thing and that's how you get through the time.
I thought that I was bound to get bored at some points along the way of life. (On consideration -shouldn't get bored if always taking in different things).
I sort of gave up on myself and found the coward within, who could not just talk off the cuff (naturally/through the observer) - all my stuff became inside thoughts.
I became worried I would lose myself for a while. And I thought for a while about how I might be able to mould it for the better.
I couldn't sleep and at about 7pm I saw my flatmate felix who had not taken acid. I sorta told him what had happened and then I could not think of a single thing to say for 3/4 hours, nothing remotely like it has ever happened to me before.
I felt awful for him that I was being so stuck and confused that I could not say anything, could not act confidently at all and was almost unspeakable to.
I would always say what seemed like the worst things whenever I did try to say something, and I had what seemed like an incredible awe of the moment, at some points amazing pain for the riddle of life and at some points incredible euphoria/beauty.
{R2}
I had a 0- second memory it must be said, and could remember almost no conversations or nothing interesting either. My mind was constantly feeling though, and I got a lot of time dilation.
We watched some Sex and the City stuff, and listened to some hip hop. Every line someone said seemed to me to be saying nothing really at all, just coming from a personality that is trying to get yourself across.
Every single line I heard or read seemed to say that, every person just really says nothing they just express their personality and that relies on what is already there and inputs.
I did realise at the time that each person is just plugged into a personality and has to let that go, and that I needed to let mine go. But I was not able to do that.
Felix went to bed at about 12 pm and I couldn't sleep still.
I read some Tihkal 'places in the mind' chapter and the whole bit about laughter seeemed to me to be about letting go, and just letting yourself be.
The part on self-hatred seemed relevant to some extent, reading about it was reassuring (on consideration this bit did not seem so relevant, it did at the time), so did the part on paranoia.
My friend Mk who had dropped earlier but left at about 2pm came at about 2am. I told him almost exactly what happened to me and exactly what I felt like.
He was messed up too because he has pretty much fallen in love with a girl that wants to be friends with him, and he thinks he might have to stop seeing her at all. Our conversation was better than I had managed earlier, but still odd and silent for long parts, I felt amazingly close but a pain of the moment at the same time.
But I was messed up, and inconcievably self-concious (the problem all along) (this I said when I wrote the report first time, but now I really believe it - unfounded self-conciousness).
Mk gave me a line of coke which I hoped would clear me up, but it didn't have much effect.
After Mk left I just thought for a while, and hoped my mind would be totally cleared up the next day when i would just be.
I woke up and felt much better, almost like I could treasure life and had a nice afterglow.
I had some decent conversation with F the morning, after doing the washing up, and I apologised for myself the night before and said it would not happen again.
I still had to talk about it with him so I did,
I had some decent conversation but it must be said I felt a little more laboured than usual. I did not hug anyone (although I am not normally hugely physical I have been pretty comfortable recently).
2nd day after trip assesment
Reading a day later 'flooding' seemed more like what I had felt, especially the following sentences (probably not strong flooding though) (and {R2} above):
"The general feeling is one of being flooded by meaningful connections between everything in the universe and everything else to" - I certainly felt every sentence was connected to something central in the world
"The ego, the sense of core identity, might be hard to maintain; the sense of Self might be lost in the roaring noise of continual, intense output" - Well I was thinking a new thing all the time, and had a 0- point memory. This is exactly what happened to me though, I lost myself.
I spoke to some of my other friends who had done it: l, m, k and they all seemed fine. Smoking weed seemed to bring me back into the head space slightly - I will probably not smoke it for a while. Or at least I am getting drunk next time.
I feel like if I have a problem while I am stoned then it is something I should resolve, but I know drink has always had the affect of relaxing a little, and I could just do with that a little.
Still I was a lot lot better than I had been the night before, learnt to go with the flow a bit again - not totally, but I should be able to sort that out - I hope.
A good experience, perhaps not a great deal of fun all the time though.
I have to question why i just gave up on myself, like a coward in the moment. Why I lost my personality and felt that, why I couldn't just go with the flow.
Is it something deep-rooted or something I can get over easily? If it is the former I must deal with it but what is the best way of doing that?
It could be that that was the only time that will ever happen to me, I have learned my lesson. If that is the case then my trip was without a doubt wholly positive.
If not then ... heh, I would be in a little trouble.
4-day assesment
At {R1} where I began to feel a step up in paranoia the feeling that I am being judged just for going outside is rediculous.
I have spoken to a couple of my friends about the metaphors and I think I was jumping the gun in what I thought quite a lot.
I'm not saying all my thoughts were false, but I think they were triggered by me worrying too much about what other people were thinking about my actions, when, really every person must have been so stuck in their own headspaces.
I was being a lot more self-concious than anyone should ever be.
I could question about what other people thought about me too much, but there's no point finding out. I don't think it was too bad as I have always tried to act quite honestly. But maybe just put too much effort into my actions impressing others. Who cares though?
(Of course you can't ignore what others think totally but)
I have been more and more comfortable with things until today. And I think this reanalysis can only help me anyway.
I feel very good now though I am dissapointed university starts again tommorow
If you read all that thanks a lot
[ 05 January 2003: Message edited by: Setarcos ]
[ 05 January 2003: Message edited by: Setarcos ]
I feel sorta bad for taking out the original, when this is written 4 days later and with a retrospective approach - but it is much better organised and written than it was previously.
Sorry it's long, but it is complete as I feel neccessary. 2-day analysis and 4-day analysis are at the end. (I'm doing all this because it's being of quite a lot of benefit to me).
{Rn} - ReferencePoint number n
Lead-up (New Year's eve - 6am)
I had just been home to see my parents for 2 weeks over christmas and had come back the day before new years to see my friends.
I did some pills (transformers) at an illegal rave on new years eve, it was really good.
It started off quite small with me and about 8 of my friends round, along with maybe 15 - 20 other people.
After a while it really picked up, and I felt really really good on pills for the first time in a 3/4 months.
Dancing was very easy (I am a great fan of dancing anyway, but this was brilliantly comfortable). I spoke to a lot of randoms asking them how 2002 had been and resolutions and shit, and I spoke to my friends.
We left at about 6 am to go back to my house and do acid. We had to leave a friend who had to stay there, she was a little annoyed and I felt a little guilty.
Start of tripping
I consumed 2 sugar cubes of acid at approximately 7am.
Things just built up nicely and for a while until about 10am I felt excellent. I can't remember at what time it happened but at some point I stopped being able to understand anything anyone was saying, and I pretty much stopped speaking.
Some of my friends went outside some of them stayed inside.
First time that the people went outside I did not go outside since the weather was awful, but I did know I wanted to go outside at some point.
When they came back I went outside with P and K, going outside was really making the most of it I must say - possibly just because it was a foward move, doing something, also maybe because it was less claustrophic in a wide open area.
I felt like I was considering a moment in time, something similar to the concept of non-duality. At some point I thought like I realised, that is the most there ever was, just the moment you are always in.
It really did feel amazing, it was just - almost non-dualism perhaps, it just felt like 'now' - the exact essense of 'now' I think that is how it felt
.I did however dislike the weather which was foul (I would snatch at the chance to do good acid on a sunny day).
{R1}
I also felt that I had been outside long enough, and got very self-concious. I started thinking that the others inside would construe my actions as moving away from the group.
I think it was at that point that friends seemed to be talking in metaphors that I thought I understood, but I did not want to reply - my understanding seemed presumptous, did not want to make any commitment in any direction.
Every metaphor I spoke in seemed to be me chickening out of something - a lot of half sentences let me tell you.
I felt like the group was splitting in directions, and I could understand that each group had it's different way of talking. And it seemed to me to be getting quite strong.
I realised I might not know many of the people there in 10 or perhaps even 5 years time and this made me sad. I felt trapped.
At about 5 pm I was just a bit tripped and paranoid, I thought everyone wanted different things.
Anything I did try to say or do would just go totally wrong, I was on awful social form you might say. E.G - I put on a mix, first track: paranoid, I did laugh at it at the time, because it amused/suprised me but I changed the music as anyway.
I thought everyone just acts like who they are, and you have to be confident with who you are, each person just tells their own story, and does there own thing and that's how you get through the time.
I thought that I was bound to get bored at some points along the way of life. (On consideration -shouldn't get bored if always taking in different things).
I sort of gave up on myself and found the coward within, who could not just talk off the cuff (naturally/through the observer) - all my stuff became inside thoughts.
I became worried I would lose myself for a while. And I thought for a while about how I might be able to mould it for the better.
I couldn't sleep and at about 7pm I saw my flatmate felix who had not taken acid. I sorta told him what had happened and then I could not think of a single thing to say for 3/4 hours, nothing remotely like it has ever happened to me before.
I felt awful for him that I was being so stuck and confused that I could not say anything, could not act confidently at all and was almost unspeakable to.
I would always say what seemed like the worst things whenever I did try to say something, and I had what seemed like an incredible awe of the moment, at some points amazing pain for the riddle of life and at some points incredible euphoria/beauty.
{R2}
I had a 0- second memory it must be said, and could remember almost no conversations or nothing interesting either. My mind was constantly feeling though, and I got a lot of time dilation.
We watched some Sex and the City stuff, and listened to some hip hop. Every line someone said seemed to me to be saying nothing really at all, just coming from a personality that is trying to get yourself across.
Every single line I heard or read seemed to say that, every person just really says nothing they just express their personality and that relies on what is already there and inputs.
I did realise at the time that each person is just plugged into a personality and has to let that go, and that I needed to let mine go. But I was not able to do that.
Felix went to bed at about 12 pm and I couldn't sleep still.
I read some Tihkal 'places in the mind' chapter and the whole bit about laughter seeemed to me to be about letting go, and just letting yourself be.
The part on self-hatred seemed relevant to some extent, reading about it was reassuring (on consideration this bit did not seem so relevant, it did at the time), so did the part on paranoia.
My friend Mk who had dropped earlier but left at about 2pm came at about 2am. I told him almost exactly what happened to me and exactly what I felt like.
He was messed up too because he has pretty much fallen in love with a girl that wants to be friends with him, and he thinks he might have to stop seeing her at all. Our conversation was better than I had managed earlier, but still odd and silent for long parts, I felt amazingly close but a pain of the moment at the same time.
But I was messed up, and inconcievably self-concious (the problem all along) (this I said when I wrote the report first time, but now I really believe it - unfounded self-conciousness).
Mk gave me a line of coke which I hoped would clear me up, but it didn't have much effect.
After Mk left I just thought for a while, and hoped my mind would be totally cleared up the next day when i would just be.
I woke up and felt much better, almost like I could treasure life and had a nice afterglow.
I had some decent conversation with F the morning, after doing the washing up, and I apologised for myself the night before and said it would not happen again.
I still had to talk about it with him so I did,
I had some decent conversation but it must be said I felt a little more laboured than usual. I did not hug anyone (although I am not normally hugely physical I have been pretty comfortable recently).
2nd day after trip assesment
Reading a day later 'flooding' seemed more like what I had felt, especially the following sentences (probably not strong flooding though) (and {R2} above):
"The general feeling is one of being flooded by meaningful connections between everything in the universe and everything else to" - I certainly felt every sentence was connected to something central in the world
"The ego, the sense of core identity, might be hard to maintain; the sense of Self might be lost in the roaring noise of continual, intense output" - Well I was thinking a new thing all the time, and had a 0- point memory. This is exactly what happened to me though, I lost myself.
I spoke to some of my other friends who had done it: l, m, k and they all seemed fine. Smoking weed seemed to bring me back into the head space slightly - I will probably not smoke it for a while. Or at least I am getting drunk next time.
I feel like if I have a problem while I am stoned then it is something I should resolve, but I know drink has always had the affect of relaxing a little, and I could just do with that a little.
Still I was a lot lot better than I had been the night before, learnt to go with the flow a bit again - not totally, but I should be able to sort that out - I hope.
A good experience, perhaps not a great deal of fun all the time though.
I have to question why i just gave up on myself, like a coward in the moment. Why I lost my personality and felt that, why I couldn't just go with the flow.
Is it something deep-rooted or something I can get over easily? If it is the former I must deal with it but what is the best way of doing that?
It could be that that was the only time that will ever happen to me, I have learned my lesson. If that is the case then my trip was without a doubt wholly positive.
If not then ... heh, I would be in a little trouble.
4-day assesment
At {R1} where I began to feel a step up in paranoia the feeling that I am being judged just for going outside is rediculous.
I have spoken to a couple of my friends about the metaphors and I think I was jumping the gun in what I thought quite a lot.
I'm not saying all my thoughts were false, but I think they were triggered by me worrying too much about what other people were thinking about my actions, when, really every person must have been so stuck in their own headspaces.
I was being a lot more self-concious than anyone should ever be.
I could question about what other people thought about me too much, but there's no point finding out. I don't think it was too bad as I have always tried to act quite honestly. But maybe just put too much effort into my actions impressing others. Who cares though?
(Of course you can't ignore what others think totally but)
I have been more and more comfortable with things until today. And I think this reanalysis can only help me anyway.
I feel very good now though I am dissapointed university starts again tommorow
If you read all that thanks a lot
[ 05 January 2003: Message edited by: Setarcos ]
[ 05 January 2003: Message edited by: Setarcos ]
