Lowest of the low

[attempt4]

I woke up this morning...
I haven't cried for years.. I suppressed emotion.
My father abused me, often forcing me to watch him abuse my mother who then became an alcoholic paranoid wreck.
I became even more emotionless.
I woke up this morning...in such an odd mood.


I know i probably sound like a faggot or whattever, i just woke up, made my breakfast and am lying here, crying my eyes out, listening to Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie (such an empathetic, emotional song inspiring a myriad of thoughts and vibrations) and other such depressing songs. This Place Is a Prison by The Postal Service. I also find Crystal Castles - Crimewave incredibly dejected and discomposing.

Why do we self-perpetuate our melancholy? Do we crave the corresponding like-mindedness?

I jst came back from a trip to see my brother.
He is free, he has direction.
I am now out of drugs and wish this to be the start of my life.
I need to get out of here, desperately, couch-surf in exchange for chores, work in a wee bar somewhere away frmo this country. I need life to begin,

I honestly dontk now why i made this thread...

I have so much love to give. My friends would never listen. They have got the nuclear family, perfect lifestyle, never had a problem in their lives kinda deal.

I think i just finally opened a valve and life is about to go on the up.

Or I believe I have descended down the depression spiral again?

Apologies if this seems more of a blog-style thing but i dont have facebook and my IRL friends would not take any of this seriously, they would just say "man the fuck up".....usually, i would agree and not let life get on top of me. I am usually so strong.....a facade blanketting supressed emotion? True strength with a real glitch?
Life support, physical ideas, advice, like-mindedness is all appreciated and welcomed.

Thanks,
Cam

 

[ocean]

Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to break down a little before we can pick ourselves up.
I understand the listening to depressing music bit
(I love Death Cab btw-)
I find that when I let music express my emotions, and just feel it, it is releasing for me.......
It is like therapy.
We can't work on improving what we don't recognize- so what you did this morning, letting yourself face the pain and acknowledging your suffering........IT's a good thing.
You were getting the pain out in a healthy way, obviously it did you some good, b/c here you are saying you think life will go up from here......

Give what you have to give and if your 'friends' don't get it or won't listen- maybe you need new friends
Welcome to BL btw!

 

[attempt4]

Thing is, Im aware of all of this and funnily enough, my brother is in an incredibly low ebb atm and i gave him a 2 hour long motivational talk telling him that life can only give you what you want, if you feel you are at the bottom then that is in a way, a great thing...there's no place you can go except up.

It feels so odd to sit here, alone, crying. I feel ashamed of myself.

I thank you for your support. Death cab are really good.

I would love someone to share this with....

 

[dredz]

Attempt 4 I just posted quite a bit of a post and something you said made me reply to you.
This.

Death Cab For Cutie (such an empathetic, emotional song inspiring a myriad of thoughts and vibrations) and other such depressing songs. This Place Is a Prison by The Postal Service. I also find Crystal Castles - Crimewave incredibly dejected and discomposing.

Not the horror you experienced growing up but this. The reason why i mentioned my post because I would never have been able to articulate on a subject like you just did. Nor would I be bothered. I would just say it resonates with me but wouldn't have the words to express my self or I might be afraid that someone would contradict me or decide I was blah blah blah

Here again

Why do we self-perpetuate our melancholy? Do we crave the corresponding like-mindedness?

I don't know... I just want to feel right with myself and the world where I am as free as I think the next person is.

What I am trying to say is you are right, you seem to have a lot to offer, so keep offering.

They have got the nuclear family, perfect lifestyle, never had a problem in their lives kinda deal.

.I really don't think that is the case just how we perceive things to be.

Anyway keep writing, I think it helps, seeing it down on paper.

 

[attempt4]

Thanks dredz. Thank you.

I appreciate that i am not alone in this.

I actually experienced elation, elation at one point where i went outside, went to town. Then suddenly, out of the blue, was overcome with the most restless disgusting, cold, depressed, worthless and useless feelings. Its like im back to being a younger child.


IS this sobriety for me? Serious anxiety issues.

We all have these days....i fear that my life is going to be one of those days
again.

I know what i need. I need to leave here, now.


I am depressed here. This isnt my hometown. I am so desperate to get on a train tomorrow and go and start my life.

God help me. Only a fool should blame their mental hindrances. There is no excuse to feel this way, i know i need to know i fucking need to know "to act like a fucking man".

 

[theartofwar]

Thanks dredz. Thank you.

I appreciate that i am not alone in this.

I actually experienced elation, elation at one point where i went outside, went to town. Then suddenly, out of the blue, was overcome with the most restless disgusting, cold, depressed, worthless and useless feelings. Its like im back to being a younger child.


IS this sobriety for me? Serious anxiety issues.

We all have these days....i fear that my life is going to be one of those days
again.

I know what i need. I need to leave here, now.


I am depressed here. This isnt my hometown. I am so desperate to get on a train tomorrow and go and start my life.

God help me. Only a fool should blame their mental hindrances. There is no excuse to feel this way, i know i need to know i fucking need to know "to act like a fucking man".

I feel your pain so fucking hard it breaks me down brother . I was doing great , had months under my belt clean , was seeing a specialist for PTSD , dealing w/childhood shit also....


Well - all that "vanished" two nights ago.

Why is vanished in quotes? Cuz fuck that, the only thing that vanished is the confidence I had built up in myself.Crawling out of this pit is going to be difficult, many times I simply hate myself. No matter what anyone says, no matter what people point out - i dont give a fuck, i hate life and myself. But these are the exact moments I grab hold to ANYTHING, in my case my dog is literally my life saver.

You are NOT alone - I'm going to shoot you a PM, if you don't feel comfy, that's fine, but know that you are not alone and anyone who dares to even consider you less of a man - they simply have not been there, and I'll gladly talk to them personally .

 

[dredz]

Attempt 4,

I am not allowed to reply until I have reached blue lighter status but I only found that out after I replied to you(and It said I can't post the message privately) So I would like to post here , but I won't until I get your permission.

Dredz

 

[attempt4]

Yeh man, please post away.

I thought things were on the up a bit yesterday. This morning, my mum went insane and started throwing shit at me etc.

I am so unbelievably desperate to get away frmo here, asap.

 

[dredz]

Hey attempt4 sorry i can't find the original message but basically it said that I think I would rather keep posting like this regardless of being able to or not, The reason being i feel i can be more honest not with you but with myself at the moment.

I know how you feel when you talk about things being on the up and then changing so quickly. I am having an ok day. I accomplished what I thought was nothing by sitting in a bookstore all day byesterday , however I did read a few chapters of as a man thinketh and I found to be agreeing with a lot of his stuff in the first few chapters. I also found some strength in focusing on Discipline if that meant not going online or not allowing myself online until certain tasks were accomplished. Now when I say a task for me that was eating my own goddamn breakfast. My personal hygeine, brushing my teeth.etc. Small stuff but a start nonetheless.
There is a link here http://jamesallen.wwwhubs.com/think.htm to a free online book.

I keep going back to your original post, Your life has begun and your experiences from the past will shape your decisions for the future, whether you want to work in a wee bar is because you want to just get away from the past or the present. So allow the mind to make a clear decision in where you want to go rather than a hasty and hurried decision to get away. If the situation is getting really dangerous at home obviously more immediate action may need to happen., However after that initial decision is made I think then a real clear and focused decision on who you are and what you are entitled to needs to be made. In other words, I think we need to rebuild our self esteem and refocus our minds on that that is right,That we are as entitled as the next person to a happy and fulfilling life.

Look I gotta go because I have some tasks ahead I have promised myself to do(even though not doing them seems easier) so I will get back later on and check in again.

The other thing I would say is unless the drugs are prescribed, stay clean, and keep posting.

Dredz

 

[ATLGIRL]

Sometimes we need to allow ourselves to break down a little before we can pick ourselves up.

Take it for what it is man.....and pick yourself up. You can only do that for yourself....no one can do it for you. I listened to your song to just allow myself to feel what you feeling but in the end of the day.....sad songs are just songs and that's not reality.

If I think about my childhood, my history and the shit that has happened to me growing up, I would be dead right now in a grave. But you know what?? I made a much better life for myself now than the life for me as a child and for that I respect myself for it.

Don't dwell on the past......start something new, refreshing and exciting. I know it is easier said than done, but trust me if I can write about the shit that happened to me growing up, you wouldn't believe the person that I am today. So take your bad experiences and build yourself into a strong individual.

 

[attempt4]

Dredz, thank you so much for your support. I shall read some of that later, man. Im going to walk my dog right now, well, go for a run with her. I cancelled the doctor appointment and busted out the weights instead. Got a bit of an adrenaline and endorphin flow atm.
I think that was a better option tbh.

Even that can be the hardest thing to do....i know exactly what you mean about even getting yourself to brush your teeth and the smallest tasks can feel so futile, especially if they may benefit me.
"BENEFIT ME?? WHY ME? WHAT AM I WORTH??"

Well, out of the millions and millions of sperm cells, you were what was produced during the miracle of life.
We are all worth the gift of life.
Life doesn't necessarily owe us anything, not at all, we make it what we want and i'm realising that again.

ALTGIRL, yeah. Im hearing you. Im sorry to hear of your past plight, but in a way, im not sorry at all because you are such a strong person who has utililised the past to your mental gain The girl done good!

We've all had problems but its fighting against the turbulent storms that strengthen and tone your psyche.

Slowly but surely....getting there.

Up days, down days. Some days i want to take on the world, some days I have bags of ideas of what to do with life and some days im too anxious to leave the house. Controlling the waves is part of growing up I guess.
Medical diagnosis beneficial? We will see how sobriety treats me for now....

Slowly but surely....

 

[dredz]

Attempt 4 I do not believe this, I have spent 15 minutes at least replying to your last post, going great guns and typing to fast hit some bloody key and I have lost it all. I need to do this in word doc. first because this is frustrating.

So I will have to get back to it later. It was all about my morning routine .....well the beginning of one anyway, and well fuck it, it's too hard to explain ,I will just set myself more time to do it again later after I have done some important tasks.

Hope you enjoyed your run and the company of your dog. I miss having dogs, had two at one time when I was younger. And always there was one in the house.

ttyl