Sittbackkrelapse
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2015
- Messages
- 1
I'm newly 25 & I welcomed my most recent birthday differently than all my other birthdays; sober. I've been using painkillers since I was 15 & got really heavily into benzos from 18 on. Most of 2014 was spent shooting heroin & coke & when that ran out Roxie's. There was a time in my early 20s where everyday consisted of 20 bars and 20 Percs going up my nose, & I was at the most 100lbs. I've had withdrawals from almost every type of drug & wound up being hospitilized quite a few times, although I have never overdosed. The pattern in these hospitalizations? Xanax withdrawal. If I knew way back when what the withdrawals could be like I honestly don't know if I would have ever take my first one but I definitely wouldn't have made it a habit. The first time I woke up in the hospital I had been in the psych ward for about two weeks, catatonic. I can still remember some of the hallucinations I had but at the time I thought were real. It was one of the scariest things I've ever been through. When I got out I was clean for a month & then bam right back into it. Painkillers and benzos were my favorite combo. More recently, a couple of months ago, I wound up in the hospital again. This time I was only doing zanny bars for about a week but then again I was doing about 10 a day. This was my first day without any bars & all day I was twitching all over. My boyfriend kept asking me if I was alright because he noticed it too. The next thing I know I'm half awake in the er. I had my very first seizure & I was shocked because I had gone through many worse withdrawals than this. They sent me home & everyone around me wouldn't let me get my hands on any benzos whatsoever, but me being an addict I found a way. & yet again after a couple days of hardcore zanny partying I had another seizure. & so far that was my last one. I haven't had any type of painkiller for over 2 months, xanax if I do take, I don't take more than a bar a day & its only once in a while. Now that I know firsthand that xanax withdrawal is worse than heroin withdrawal, I wont let myself get sucked into that life again. My new habbit, one that my 16 year old self would be all too familiar with is adderall. & again its not every day, at the most its 3 times a week & not every week, just when I'm feeling down. & every so often ill take some ghb, just to get away from my thoughts for a while & have a good time. I have to say I'm doing pretty well right now especially since I've never been to rehab or a 12 step program. Yes, I'm still using once in a while but it doesn't control my life at all anymore. Every time I look back I realize when I started using pills I skipped recreational use & jumped headfirst into the shallow end of a full blown addiction & almost broke my neck. Now, if I do use, its recreationally because now I know I am a full blown addict & I won't let it get that far again. I can say that strongly at least for now. & the two things that made coming off of painkillers easier- kratum & poppy seed tea, I don't know if I could have truly quit without their help.
