mr_fluffy
Bluelighter
at first
i idealised love
but then again, my parents couldn't have fucked my head any more by having a better example.
then
i rejected it
i saw it as a privilige for 'others'
nothing that i was worthy enough to ever taste
and as with the fox of old
the grapes got more sour, and i got more bitter
and my rants against it got more and more obscene and disrespectful
however
at some stage
i learned to look at myself through love's prism
and the world wasn't as dour, as overcast
as i had convinced myself it was
it wasn't instant
five years so far this path has taken me
but finally i learned to trust it's clarity
and i chose to see the whole world with it
and yet
i continually felt drained
give, give, give
even mother theresa must have got tired at times...
and i became more and more philosophical
while giving up hope a grain at a time
no hope for return remained in me
then
it happened
my eyes opened and i saw the truth.
the reason i was able to give so much, was that it was continuously poured into me by those around
i didn't recognise it
silly me
i was expecting and hoping for something else
the shape wasn't what i'd imagined
and it certainly wasn't clothed by anyone skilled with a pair of scissors, needle and thread
but the substance was there, if not the nourishment hungered for
but beggars can't be choosers
and i took what i could get
and yet
the desire remained an ember
and the glow was still there
i still searched for 'the one'(tm)
is it u? or u? maybe it's u?
the answers proved negative with depressing regularity
the ember cooled ever so slightly each day
and then
things happened
a small wind started blowing
and fanning the dying ember, it started some hope
but circumstances always proved to be superior
and my hopes and aspirations thwarted
were always
the fledgeling fires were extinguished
again
and again
...
but
every time
the fire that started
and the warmth felt, was larger than the last
at least i'm on the right path
i philosophised
what a stupid thing to do, applying logic to love
many better and more intelligent than i
have throughout the ages
had to bend their head, and bow before it as fiefs
and then?
'she' came along
the 'one', i thought
she not only fanned the embers
but she stoked the fire, and fuelled the inferno
and made me doubt the safety of my well constructed bunker
i raised the white flag
and trusted myself into whatever conventions love had drawn up for those imprisoned by it's thrall
i threw the gates open in expectation of its arrival
and surrendered my heart into the arms of her that fullfilled all my expectations of love
and circumstances arrived also, just in time, to trully fuck the day
never mind the cavalry, what happens when their arrival is matched thrice over by indian tribesmen?
you're still fucked, it just makes better history!
so fate intervened
as it has many times before
and proved my father right
fate made me regret many of my choices
and made me pine for another chance to get my life in order
circumstances
arrived just in time
and separated us, and made me prioritise my previous fuckups above 'her', the one i loved
my past distracted my attention away from the focus of my affection
and forced me to express my feelings via a piece of modern electronics
or via a tool as blunt as a keyboard
i sharpened my skills
and i put my best foot forward
and braced
put my back into it so to speak
if anything's worth doing, it's worth doing properly or not at all
and i couldn't let this lie
or be ignored
what if??
the return for my investment was tenfold.
the jackpot, lotto superdraw, BINGO!!! all in one
or so i thought
then the ground gave way
i was free falling
what i thought was up, was down, was left, was right
all of a sudden meant nothing
frame of reference?
please explain!
apparently
love was mistook
and reports of its sightings were starting to be doubted
apparently, it was elsewhere, in the arms of another
the allure of the forbidden asserted it's right to be heard
and ultimately, it's volume, compared to my distance
overwhelmed her momentarily
but she flinched
the promise of love that i offered came back to mind
and she buckled
and doubted me
and herself
and ultimately
us.
fatally
she doubted love
momentarilly
i believed
but
maybe not!!
fate, and circumstance
may yet prove the better players in this game with no rules
but the dialogue is still there
and although i gave love up for lost
she held out the olive branch
and soothed my fears
she temporarily allayed my insecurities
love, what a wicked tease u are
and what a wonderful mistress u can be
i see thousands that willingly make themselves your slaves
and to be in your presence is better than any other place
be it real or imagined
legal or illicit!
why?
oh why
must u be so fickle, and so changeable
why?
do u always garb your beauty with the most tatty of clothes
why?
do u tease until ur subject is in pain, and oft times fail to reward that pain with any tangible benefit
why?
is it u consort with the unworthy, and the random
why?
oh why
can't u just once
listen to me
and to my desires
and contend my heart's stupid wishes
always used to say
love was the worst joke ever inflicted by god on mankind
what a sour, and pathetic, and spiteful god he must have been
that moulded u
and inflicted u upon mankind
and yet!
here i am
willing to give love another chance
and still step along life's path with her by my side
why go back to my torturer?
why submit myself to your fickle and unreasonable demands?
because
while the cost is great
the benefits are greater
and while the sweat is annoying, the work is pleasant
and the workmate is fantastic
god was not so mean
and his intentions not so evil
things of worth
are worthy due to the work and dedication they require
gems would be discarded in the gutters
if freely they were offered on street corners
and so it is with all:
the more effort
the more worth
and, supposedly
the more the reward
i wonder
with trepidation
if again
this is merely a temporary visit?
i've prepared room for love especially
no more fold out couch
and moth eaten blanket
u get the best
for i prize u, above all others
i want love here to stay
i want it to overflow
and i want it to overwhelm the object of my affection
for ultimately
love is the ultimate weapon
it alone
or hints of it's authority
have shaped this world through the millenia
and for good or bad
it's your influence that is still the prime-mover in mankind's reactions
afterall, it makes this blue orb go round
love, please stay
i always miss u
when u remove your presence
but,
fickle as always
i expect u to be this time also
and still i am your slave
your admirer
your faithfull servant
crumbs from your table would make me extatic beyond hope
ps. kids, don't do drugs, they're bad![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
pps. *must remember* don't edit too much. just tried to snip bits and pieces to bring it back to it's original rawness, and also clarify it somehow.
[ 28 February 2003: Message edited by: mr_fluffy ]
i idealised love
but then again, my parents couldn't have fucked my head any more by having a better example.
then
i rejected it
i saw it as a privilige for 'others'
nothing that i was worthy enough to ever taste
and as with the fox of old
the grapes got more sour, and i got more bitter
and my rants against it got more and more obscene and disrespectful
however
at some stage
i learned to look at myself through love's prism
and the world wasn't as dour, as overcast
as i had convinced myself it was
it wasn't instant
five years so far this path has taken me
but finally i learned to trust it's clarity
and i chose to see the whole world with it
and yet
i continually felt drained
give, give, give
even mother theresa must have got tired at times...
and i became more and more philosophical
while giving up hope a grain at a time
no hope for return remained in me
then
it happened
my eyes opened and i saw the truth.
the reason i was able to give so much, was that it was continuously poured into me by those around
i didn't recognise it
silly me
i was expecting and hoping for something else
the shape wasn't what i'd imagined
and it certainly wasn't clothed by anyone skilled with a pair of scissors, needle and thread
but the substance was there, if not the nourishment hungered for
but beggars can't be choosers
and i took what i could get
and yet
the desire remained an ember
and the glow was still there
i still searched for 'the one'(tm)
is it u? or u? maybe it's u?
the answers proved negative with depressing regularity
the ember cooled ever so slightly each day
and then
things happened
a small wind started blowing
and fanning the dying ember, it started some hope
but circumstances always proved to be superior
and my hopes and aspirations thwarted
were always
the fledgeling fires were extinguished
again
and again
...
but
every time
the fire that started
and the warmth felt, was larger than the last
at least i'm on the right path
i philosophised
what a stupid thing to do, applying logic to love
many better and more intelligent than i
have throughout the ages
had to bend their head, and bow before it as fiefs
and then?
'she' came along
the 'one', i thought
she not only fanned the embers
but she stoked the fire, and fuelled the inferno
and made me doubt the safety of my well constructed bunker
i raised the white flag
and trusted myself into whatever conventions love had drawn up for those imprisoned by it's thrall
i threw the gates open in expectation of its arrival
and surrendered my heart into the arms of her that fullfilled all my expectations of love
and circumstances arrived also, just in time, to trully fuck the day
never mind the cavalry, what happens when their arrival is matched thrice over by indian tribesmen?
you're still fucked, it just makes better history!
so fate intervened
as it has many times before
and proved my father right
fate made me regret many of my choices
and made me pine for another chance to get my life in order
circumstances
arrived just in time
and separated us, and made me prioritise my previous fuckups above 'her', the one i loved
my past distracted my attention away from the focus of my affection
and forced me to express my feelings via a piece of modern electronics
or via a tool as blunt as a keyboard
i sharpened my skills
and i put my best foot forward
and braced
put my back into it so to speak
if anything's worth doing, it's worth doing properly or not at all
and i couldn't let this lie
or be ignored
what if??
the return for my investment was tenfold.
the jackpot, lotto superdraw, BINGO!!! all in one
or so i thought
then the ground gave way
i was free falling
what i thought was up, was down, was left, was right
all of a sudden meant nothing
frame of reference?
please explain!
apparently
love was mistook
and reports of its sightings were starting to be doubted
apparently, it was elsewhere, in the arms of another
the allure of the forbidden asserted it's right to be heard
and ultimately, it's volume, compared to my distance
overwhelmed her momentarily
but she flinched
the promise of love that i offered came back to mind
and she buckled
and doubted me
and herself
and ultimately
us.
fatally
she doubted love
momentarilly
i believed
but
maybe not!!
fate, and circumstance
may yet prove the better players in this game with no rules
but the dialogue is still there
and although i gave love up for lost
she held out the olive branch
and soothed my fears
she temporarily allayed my insecurities
love, what a wicked tease u are
and what a wonderful mistress u can be
i see thousands that willingly make themselves your slaves
and to be in your presence is better than any other place
be it real or imagined
legal or illicit!
why?
oh why
must u be so fickle, and so changeable
why?
do u always garb your beauty with the most tatty of clothes
why?
do u tease until ur subject is in pain, and oft times fail to reward that pain with any tangible benefit
why?
is it u consort with the unworthy, and the random
why?
oh why
can't u just once
listen to me
and to my desires
and contend my heart's stupid wishes
always used to say
love was the worst joke ever inflicted by god on mankind
what a sour, and pathetic, and spiteful god he must have been
that moulded u
and inflicted u upon mankind
and yet!
here i am
willing to give love another chance
and still step along life's path with her by my side
why go back to my torturer?
why submit myself to your fickle and unreasonable demands?
because
while the cost is great
the benefits are greater
and while the sweat is annoying, the work is pleasant
and the workmate is fantastic
god was not so mean
and his intentions not so evil
things of worth
are worthy due to the work and dedication they require
gems would be discarded in the gutters
if freely they were offered on street corners
and so it is with all:
the more effort
the more worth
and, supposedly
the more the reward
i wonder
with trepidation
if again
this is merely a temporary visit?
i've prepared room for love especially
no more fold out couch
and moth eaten blanket
u get the best
for i prize u, above all others
i want love here to stay
i want it to overflow
and i want it to overwhelm the object of my affection
for ultimately
love is the ultimate weapon
it alone
or hints of it's authority
have shaped this world through the millenia
and for good or bad
it's your influence that is still the prime-mover in mankind's reactions
afterall, it makes this blue orb go round
love, please stay
i always miss u
when u remove your presence
but,
fickle as always
i expect u to be this time also
and still i am your slave
your admirer
your faithfull servant
crumbs from your table would make me extatic beyond hope
ps. kids, don't do drugs, they're bad
pps. *must remember* don't edit too much. just tried to snip bits and pieces to bring it back to it's original rawness, and also clarify it somehow.
[ 28 February 2003: Message edited by: mr_fluffy ]
