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Love circus learning (continuous posts)

rm-rf

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 10, 2001
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My thoughts on the events of the past 50 hours:
I wake up unclear. I begin the day unclear. I move about my business unclear. My mind still doesnt not know that which Im running from, and pushes it away. We begin our journey in hopes that our anxiety to be replaced with the ecstasy of learning and expierence.
Dazed and Confused take the vessel's controls. They guide the minds of the travelers. The trail is compact with misguidance and misrepresentation. The hams of the evening attempt to rape all that stands for the purpose of Dazed and Confused, they are stashed meantime in the hidden premises unseen. Onward to destination unsure.
I begin to crawl throughout the endless masses of huddled spirits trapped within flesh cases, writhing, about to summon her most wonderful power, here, tonight, in my mind; love astrode fear. The sounds rush over my skin, messaging thoughts of wonder, anger, doubt; stimulating the feeling flooding my being. The feeling that raised so many questions and intimidating implications. I grasp a foothold upon the crest of the most high of mountains, the embodiment of all things beautiful and precious, its present cry for help, for comfort, my screaming agony to become devoid of all fears.
More actors fill life's stage of intrigue, irony, hope, and highs. These sentients of light provide the connection to fully immerse my soul within the glorious night. I fill my cup of lifes most precious gift and swallow away the spiraling doubts. First but unwary, in moment, it is all clear. My vision, my being, my purpose, my place. I take hold of this inspiration and sing myself praises of joy and casting away worry. I bathed in the light of the soundform, and wallowed euphorically in her shadow. In the dwelling of the shadow was the ever growing desire for more of this hidden feeling I carry, and my care for it is ovveridden by this new sensation. I want this to be real, if only my rationele werent bubbled and cast aside by my spiritual chemical indulgence. I could perhaps act accordingly to wisdom's call, but intrigue's far vaster bellow takes control. I move with the flow of the glorious night.
The clearness is overcome now, by the burning of the empathy of the earth within my mind, but not with this that I am most peculiar about.
The life giver rises now above the fruits of her thousands upon thousands of years of burning, and all of the actors move to the side of the stage with the best view. All bask in her guidance, her hope, her light. We journey ever further into lands of neon bannered trancendence. The beauty of the unhidden eyes takes the expierence to an unexpected level. Yet confusion lingers, and the cloud chokes its unwary onlookers. All engage now in delving into the feline domicile of the removal of mind. Upon placement of the body into this rotating, hazy, difficult world, my mind is locked in the grips of The Bewilderer's hold, and wrestled with my psyche for control. I left my phsyical boundaries and entered domains of the pure alien, the complete majestic. I shattered throught the glass walls of this universe's guidlines to divinity. Yet she pulls me back, voices call my name, and I smash against the glass of their realm's walls. For eternity, it seems, I am the secret observer, slammed upon a sheet of glass and watching the world below. I watch these actors, move about, run away, cry, and laugh. They are the most strange of aliens in a world so foreign that the alien is commonplace. I see not one hint of familair life to me, even my own fellow travelers are beings unkown. Is this my existence? Is this my infinity? Am I God? Have I created my own universe? Where is my universe? Silently I crawl through the glass and into their world, more and more, it becomes my home. Slowly I come back to reality, to a room of pain, and confusion. All beings present flash the morning sky with beams of intolerance and direction of emotion. I am overcome by the ghastly ambience of the situation. I seek the help of my mysterious paranoia. She tells me the bizzare babbles of a confused lost soul, must I reach out? I hide from her scorn. Shot down into the depths by the mechanical devices of the psychadellican. There is no quarter for reinforcement. My mind scattters.
I watch from afar, mute by the awe of the previous inspiring, and deafened by the glitter sparkled night. I am inspired by the presence of this embrace before. These words inspired by the very question, the stinging and soothing touch of the hidden inquisition. I spend my time rising and falling with the expierenced actors of the realm. I am at the edge of time and space, imagining myself in the arms of the sweet question's warm embrace. This madness is seemingly without end...to deny my most instinctive impulse is to deny the very remnants of my connection with the world.
After escaping my method of escape, I ponder the previous times held beforehand. The mass confusion mixed with feelings of uncertainty and resolution. I am satisfied with this new learning that is discussed for the closing of the journey. I smile at this new comprehension, this new angle. I long for these to go without end. I long to hold in my hands the certainty of all my life's desire. Lifes meaning unfolds, and refolds, as to allow a glimpse of perfection.
I stand on the sands of a windy beech, I call out the questions awaiting my answer from the ever providing god. She never delivered. I am content with my absence of judgement. I am more lucid, more coherent than ever imagined before. I await for my next escape, for the joys with hints of doubt, for the euphoria mixed with small fears, with the adventure mixed with punishments...I await the ride. In the last 50 hours, that I have spent awake, I have recieved the most wonderful expierences, the most dramatic of episodes, for the actors of life.
[ 10 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
[ 10 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
[ 11 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
[ 18 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
[ 18 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
 
Originally posted by THE WOOD:

After escaping my method of escape, I ponder the previous times held beforehand. The mass confusion mixed with feelings of uncertainty and resolution. I am satisfied with this new learning that is discussed for the closing of the journey. I smile at this new comprehension, this new angle. I long for these to go without end. I long to hold in my hands the certainty of all my life's desire. Lifes meaning unfolds, and refolds, as to allow a glimpse of perfection.

WoW, i feel this, and it was incredible to read.
Once again, your mind is amazing
 
Hey thanks ^
Thats exactly what this was about. All my thoughts compiled into one short story. It was such a whaky weekend for me, and I felt bad about all the shit that went down after the party, so I hope you guys had a good time!
 
Well, for starters I'm glad that I mostly spent those last 50 hrs with you, too bad I wasn't in your head...to see and hear all those things that you had going on.
And I know that when you feel a certain way, holding on to all the things that you never known, to express them is the hardest thing to do. Not everyone can say these things, most importantly having someone else understand.
I watch from afar, mute by the awe of the previous inspiring, and deafened by the glitter sparkled night. I am inspired by the presence of this embrace before. These words inspired by the very question, the stinging and soothing touch of the hidden inquisition. I spend my time rising and falling with the expierenced actors of the realm. I am at the edge of time and space, imagining myself in the arms of the sweet question's warm embrace. This madness is seemingly without end...to deny my most instinctive impulse is to deny the very remnants of my connection with the world.
This level of deepness you hold within you, has been more powerful than I ever read. You leave me speechless, time and time again...
I stand on the sands of a windy beech, I call out the questions awaiting my answer from the ever providing god. She never delivered. I am content with my absence of judgement. I am more lucid, more coherent than ever imagined before. I await for my next escape, for the joys with hints of doubt, for the euphoria mixed with small fears, with the adventure mixed with punishments...I await the ride. In the last 50 hours, that I have spent awake, I have recieved the most wonderful expierences, the most dramatic of episodes, for the actors of life.
I can't keep up with, ;) thanks for the wonderful sunrise...and the apprerance of you smile//
 
Forever learning...
Is this right? Perhaps not right, but necessary. Brain floods with thought like a spring monsoon. Lost amongst the recesses of the undefined. When staring through the ethereal psychotic haze, without warning, life returns. I awaken from sleep and remove my body from bed.
Perhaps truley there are no stable memories to recall, no sure warning to hear, that one is human, that one is fragile, that one is not immortal. Alone, so much to fear, traveling with such beautiful scars. Water splashes across a naked body barely worthy of the soap that cleans it. Thoughts return to events of recent past. Images of beauty and wonder tainted with rejection and doubts. Doubting forever that life could have possibly ben as good as it may have seemed to have been. Rejecting the idea that the sun may have a place in its light for such an ashen soul. Rejecting the notion that an angel may enjoy the company of the phantom. Longing for the future to become the present, perhaps even desiring an end.
Preparations must be made before this traveler enters the gauntlet. The star colored chalk lies upon the feeble table. No tools required, just expierenced inhalation. Layed down in a long sandy little line; rising up from position to ensure the positive energy to get its master through the day. One, two, then three...its all gone. Burning as the magic goes to work, there is no more sadness in this moment. The morning has officially begun. Sitting back, feeling the pain fade away, now it is time to join the world in its daily mechanical operation.
Running in line, staying in the ranks, turning the gears, pulling the switches, pushing the buttons, moving the machine that moves a greater machine which in turn, moves a greater machine, and so on into infinity (or perhaps just unto the kings). It matters not, unseen energy boils within this fragile frame, and as the effort within comes down, so do the hours of gear turning. Simple mind contaminated, the worn body swipes its card and is out the door. Rain pours in through windows left down and unnatended...quickly swept away. Sane thought returns. A quick stop at the pathetic excuse for what one would call a home, and off to another machine.
I wont bind
your kind
to the outside of reality
Dismissing your blind eye
Wont be enough for me...
I am not a morning person...
[ 12 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
[ 18 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
 
The Lost One
Inhale, exhale, smokey clouds fill the room, mind floats upward and body stays put. I feel the warm flow within my bones, I let go of perception. Burn, burn, burn yet another, embers of the ever potent homegrown relaxation. Delta Nine is at it again!
Johnny Blaze is set aside, and thoughts overwhelm my cranium. Filling the room. The color palette displayed before me was naught but a blank, smoke stained wall moments ago. Inches of dust cake every dimension accessable to this small chamber. And the chamber's king lays back in his recliner, meddling with his electrically simulated servants via manual input. The clicking of his desires on the phantasmicly colored screen sends a myriad of thoughts through my brain. Are they alive? Do they hear me? Do I care?
Do I really care? After all, those damn pigs threatended to send me to their stye once again this morning, I can never find a moment's peace in this world. Thoughts of my insecure future remind me of my unstable self. Im trying, im trying harder now, to make it through this corrosive, disease, suffering world. This fucking world. I hate it. All of it. And its their fault! No one knows the adventures that play forth in my mind. How I wish there was someone to show them to!
I look over into his face, unshaven, unkept hair, shirtless, greasy, yet he smiles ever so contently. I wonder, how can one be so content knowing one has absolutely no hope for anything, and no desire to move from rock bottom. None. How can one be content with rock bottom? I can barely handle standing on this cavern's edge, this cavern in this realm of life. I think of all the events of the past year we shared. Defending our small, hidden, humble, disgusting chamber from the evil ones, those who desire what minimal, tiny amount of wealth we have. Those who want to put an end to his contentment. Those who hate without reason. I think of those who have loved this chamber, this smoke ridden, resinated, filthy chamber. We laughed, we have cried, we have loved, we have grown a bond that makes once perfect strangers closer than brothers. I dont want to leave it. This chamber, this filthy, humble, familiar chamber, I dont want it to go. It keeps me sane.
He lays back, no intention of leaving the chamber that day, or that evening, or perhaps the day that shall follow. The outside world means nothing to him anymore. It has stricken him down to the point where he desires nothing but the company of John Blaze and his phantasmic input/output devices. Everyone is gone these days, moved on to bigger and better things, moved on to imprisonment, moved on to find themselves, moved on to be removed from this lifestyle. And I wonder, what is in his head, everyone is gone, no one is left. Does he even care? Does he even care?
And the words run through my head...
Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin round to put it back the way it oughtta' be
Learn to swim
 
:/
you are not alone.
Unique and incredible with so much to give, just channel it. There are many who are truly unblind in one way or another.
 
To the girl that cannot be real:
I think, therefore, I am. I live, therefore, I wonder. I wonder what you are, I wonder who you are. I know you so well. I know every inch of your body. I know every mile of your mind. Sometimes it makes me sick. Sometimes it makes me feel like im sane, like im perfect. You can make life feel like it is real. I type these words as tears roll down my face. Im not sad. Im not angry. Im not happy. I am bemused.
Bemused. Another tear falls. I am alone. I have no one in this world. I have nothing. I have become not one, no one. I do not fear this destiny. I welcome it. It is better to live on these high walls, better to scale this infinite, endless wall. Better to forget that I am human and to accept the endless task. Better to be the lunitic than to walk in darkness. I am insane? Perhaps I fear the absence of truth. But no, I am with you, and there is this other world, it is so real, so warm, so true that I am afraid it. Im scared to death to recognize it. You dont know this, you dont know any of this. You are trying so hard to bring me out of this invisibile disease, and I know you will never give up unless I destroy you.
You have given me everything. All that I have laid my eyes on, you have laid your life down to bring into my grasp. You would give my your sight if I asked for it. You would give me your life. I fear this.
WHy do I secretly fear? You think I am pushing you away, you think I dont care, you think I treat you like a dog. Its because Im afraid of you. Im afraid that if I accept you as the familiar, you wouldnt be real. That for these past years, you never existed. I try so damn hard to pretend you arent real, to do anything from pushing the question in my face.
I have seen the souls of so many. I have been inside the lives of so many. I have felt close to so many. I thought none of this was real. I fear that you blind me. I fear that within you I am trying to create a reality that does not exist. I fear that in you, I am forcing myself to falsely answer this thorn, this question...
So I have to stay like this. I have to be like this. You cannot know. You cannot understand. Im afraid to know. Do I exist? Do you exist? Does peace exist? Does love exist? Is it all in my head, all programmed into my head, or does the familiar, the secureness, does stabalization exist? Does security exist?
[ 22 June 2002: Message edited by: THE WOOD ]
 
Whoa...this has blown me away. Not sure if it is the search for or the blocking of this 'she' person, but it is shockingly tuned into some thoughts i have recently pondered
 
Do I exist? Do you exist? Does peace exist? Does love exist? Is it all in my head, all programmed into my head, or does the familiar, the secureness, does stabalization exist? Does security exist?
thats a very interesting way of putting it.
i wrestled with that line of thought not so long ago. we assume that we exist, that the world exists and that we are alive, however not often do we realise that a strong dream or hallucination in our own perspective is just as real as reality. i came to the conclusion that we actually dont know anything at all. apart from one thing:
we know that everything that we think we know, is only as far as we can tell..
 
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