So as probably no one knows because who on Earth would keep tabs on me but my life has proceeded to change rapidly over the last year and a half. It found me sober off dope eventually off methadone and my long term g/f of almost 5 years decided to be friends. Now none of that really changed anything surprisingly getting clean has allowed me to pay bills and make positive changes and the decision to break up has found both of us with more individuality which is great.
The discontent comes from my living situation. As I approach 30 i still live with my parents and work the same dead end job as before my heroin addiction. The hilarity in it all is the fact that my former g/f was always the depressed one before we met and definitely during our addiction. I was ever hopeful things would get better... our roles have literally reversed. She use to be the one saying theres no point in doing anything and how she just wanted to change everything, those are now my feelings.
It has literally gotten to the point where i can not stand being home with my family. Everything they do annoys the shit out of me and makes me feel like i never grew up. I know what everyones going to say "why dont you move out" well this is the problem with that... i have literally replaced dope with amateur chemistry and am very concerned if i dont get my own house, not apartment, i can not do chemistry for a large number of reasons and will do what i did before discovering that outlet which was drink myself into a stupor every night. It also doesnt help that i have no one to move in with since from a technical stand point i have maybe one friend other then my ex.
I have drawn up a budget and decided to dramatically cut back any substance i do intake to try to save 60-70% of my weeks pay... but i know that wont really help. I am faced with a crazy amount of debt and moving out requires more money then i make. I have helped my ex in every aspect of her life even getting her a job so now shes a completely different person and its almost like i did exactly what i wished i could on some of those really dark days, remove her pain replace it with my happiness and deal with how she felt myself. Now that has happened and i feel like i am stuck. And before everyone goes "Actively work on fixing it" i am like i said i have drawn up a better budget and everything i just dont see it helping much at all, yeah ill have more free money but my monthly outgoing expenses for bills and living costs already take up 1/3 of my monthly take home... if i moved out id have like 100 dollars a week after everything.
I just cant find a way out of this and have this sinking feeling im really just a (almost) 30 year former drug addict who lives with his parents, dropped out of college, works a dead end job and doesnt have any friends. I dont see the point in even talking to girls for the above reasons like yeah sure im smart and gifted but like i said to my ex "after the whole first part who the hell would even care that i was smart and did go to school for chemistry, to anyone who actually asks i am really just a loser who claims to be good at some academic that no one understands... its never made me friends or gotten me laid in the past" And its hard because for once i love being me i do as there is nothing i cant accomplish but at the same time im experiencing so much discontent because of who i am. I have literally never felt so conflicted and even though i have done everything i can to enact changes i almost dont see the point.
I guess i am posing this because i am tired of ranting to my ex and having her tell me i am a great person and shouldnt feel this way. I literally know that i do some really amazing things and people always tell me "i didnt know it was possible for someone to do that" but for some reason for all the compliments i get none of them make me happy its like it all just gets thrown onto a pile of "stuff i should feel good about but cant because i have a bad self view" I dont know i know people are worse off then me too but its really really having negative effects like i dont want to eat and cant sleep at night because its so bothersome.
I hope to have it figured out in 7 months, before im 30
The discontent comes from my living situation. As I approach 30 i still live with my parents and work the same dead end job as before my heroin addiction. The hilarity in it all is the fact that my former g/f was always the depressed one before we met and definitely during our addiction. I was ever hopeful things would get better... our roles have literally reversed. She use to be the one saying theres no point in doing anything and how she just wanted to change everything, those are now my feelings.
It has literally gotten to the point where i can not stand being home with my family. Everything they do annoys the shit out of me and makes me feel like i never grew up. I know what everyones going to say "why dont you move out" well this is the problem with that... i have literally replaced dope with amateur chemistry and am very concerned if i dont get my own house, not apartment, i can not do chemistry for a large number of reasons and will do what i did before discovering that outlet which was drink myself into a stupor every night. It also doesnt help that i have no one to move in with since from a technical stand point i have maybe one friend other then my ex.
I have drawn up a budget and decided to dramatically cut back any substance i do intake to try to save 60-70% of my weeks pay... but i know that wont really help. I am faced with a crazy amount of debt and moving out requires more money then i make. I have helped my ex in every aspect of her life even getting her a job so now shes a completely different person and its almost like i did exactly what i wished i could on some of those really dark days, remove her pain replace it with my happiness and deal with how she felt myself. Now that has happened and i feel like i am stuck. And before everyone goes "Actively work on fixing it" i am like i said i have drawn up a better budget and everything i just dont see it helping much at all, yeah ill have more free money but my monthly outgoing expenses for bills and living costs already take up 1/3 of my monthly take home... if i moved out id have like 100 dollars a week after everything.
I just cant find a way out of this and have this sinking feeling im really just a (almost) 30 year former drug addict who lives with his parents, dropped out of college, works a dead end job and doesnt have any friends. I dont see the point in even talking to girls for the above reasons like yeah sure im smart and gifted but like i said to my ex "after the whole first part who the hell would even care that i was smart and did go to school for chemistry, to anyone who actually asks i am really just a loser who claims to be good at some academic that no one understands... its never made me friends or gotten me laid in the past" And its hard because for once i love being me i do as there is nothing i cant accomplish but at the same time im experiencing so much discontent because of who i am. I have literally never felt so conflicted and even though i have done everything i can to enact changes i almost dont see the point.
I guess i am posing this because i am tired of ranting to my ex and having her tell me i am a great person and shouldnt feel this way. I literally know that i do some really amazing things and people always tell me "i didnt know it was possible for someone to do that" but for some reason for all the compliments i get none of them make me happy its like it all just gets thrown onto a pile of "stuff i should feel good about but cant because i have a bad self view" I dont know i know people are worse off then me too but its really really having negative effects like i dont want to eat and cant sleep at night because its so bothersome.
I hope to have it figured out in 7 months, before im 30
