lost

I feel pretty lost right now. I think this is one of those crucial life defining times I can either get mostly better or go back to being worse. I have been smoking bud like its going out of style all day everyday for months I dont even now when I started doing it like this. I often find myself sitting in my room listening to music strring into space thinking about the past. I should be studying or out meeting people or reading or doing anything productive but that stuff just doesnt appeal to me right now. My social anxiety has been awful since I got off heroin its gotten to the point where just walking into the cafeteria gives me a crazy urge to turn around and run the fuck outta there.

I still think of heroin all the time it dominates my thoughts. I know im not done getting high I probably never will be im just banking on it being easier to be an addict when I get older and have a job and some stability. The problem is not having it is contributing to me being miserable which is fuckin my grades up which is fucking my chances for stabilty and being able to support my addiction. Its like smack is fucking me both ways. I know that there will be happier times ahead and it could be tommorow and all that but it just seems like the good times never last very long.

 

lost? youre not the only one. hang in there.

im struggling with dope too. cant stay clean longer than two months, for the last 4 yrs. and i know the shits poison, and its bad for me, yet i cant stop. go figure. and yes, the good times on dope do not last. before you know it youre sprung out and dopesick

 

I am lost as fuck right now. Been that way for a while. Keep your head up.

 

Shit man, I was in the same position for awhile. I just sat in my house and got high all day on my couch, doing nothing productive. I knew in my head I should have been doing school work, should have been exercising, and talking to people. Some how I'm not sure when I got super social anxiety, I avoided people in public at all costs. I was lost as well till I found god (not some christian bullshit). I took an 1/8th of very potent shrooms and ground harmala seeds. That shit kicked my ass and set me straight. I still do lots of drugs, but I maintain control. Try waking up real early and go on a hike. I feel so clean sitting on the mountains on cold mornings.

 

hey buddy dont worry, ive been wrestling with a similar train of thought most of my life (16-20).. It's actually kind of depressing how closely your life mirrors mine drug-wise at least. I live in Canada, and I first discovered OTC Codeine when I was sixteen and did that for a couple years (which if you guessed it) eventually led me to heroin.

My only two suggestions for you are these:

1. If you look down on yourself for smoking weed, my personal opinion is you should just stop... but obviously, it's highly circumstantial.
I had been blazing since highschool and would always look down on myself for doing it. Not necessarily because marijuana is a 'bad drug', in fact I have nothing against it at all... and actually a lot of my good friends still blaze-up every day to this day.
It's just that I've come to learn over time that there are certain situations where you should just trust your instincts or 'gut-feelings' over your rational-mind. I personally, kicked the habit because of the same paranoia you're describing... but it was worst for me... i mean i couldnt even talk to girls properly when I was high, let alone go to class LOL.

anyways, that brings me to point number two

2. basically, everyone knows heroin is the most shapeshifting/devilish substance alive, primarly because intially it presents itself in the form of something amicable, like a "snuggies" blanket; keeping you warm and cozy.
It improves every aspect of your life SIGNIFICANTLY from orgasms->homework
(ex.you could literally do your taxes on heroin and still enjoy it.)
But the reality is... eventually that warm 'snuggies' blanket transforms into something like a fiber glass wool they use for insulating houses... and that shit is not fun to snuggle in.
(try it if you dont believe me)

Anyways geting back to my point... to be frank, the fact of the matter is you've just spent the time of your life doing heroin, seriously... and I mean that in the most exclusively mental and physical sense possible. What I'm trying to say is that there will NEVER be another time in your life where you will feel physically or mentally more satisfied and euphoric... than when your shooting,smoking,snorting heroin.

And im sorry if that sounds terribly depressing, but it's actually a good thing. What it translates to is this:
you can stop worrying about your emotional state. You can stop caring about "what am I going to do to make myself happy?" or "What am I going to do without my heroin?"
Because the truth is... your miserable. And your going to be miserable for a long time. I know it's harsh, but take it from me, I haven't used in six months and i still feel like im in hell.

All you can do... (and I really hope you take me seriously) is...
GIVE UP on making yourself happy and try to focus on other aspects of life.
Eventually the happiness will trickle back into your life slowly, but surely. It DOES get better, but you have to give it some time.

The only other thing you can do that I would personally recommend...
I dont know if you enjoy or even have used such substances... but I find the occasional night doing some self-reflecting with a hallucinogen (ex.mushrooms, lsd, my personal fav. ayahuasca) can really help boost morale in desperate times. Just a thought.

GOODLUCK MY FRIEND.