its been so long since ive felt this empty. ive spent the last few weeks in reflection, trying to figure out where it came from. ive been immersed in a pit of depression for a few months and i dont really know what im depressed about. i blamed it on my job but i was just rationalizing something away. i blamed it on a departure from some other endeavors in my life but i think now too that it was just my mind rationalizing a source to my apparent problem. im such an introspective person that ive never been in a situation with myself that i cant figure out, and it has really taken its toll on me. i feel like i withered away this winter, like i was a raging meteorite my entire life and just now ive met with enough friction to fizzle me into ether. winter is always very depressing for me, but i feel this abyss so much stronger now. i feel completely cut off from the world for some reason. i feel no connection to people around me, and i cant tell if its all in my head and im just being a spoiled child, or if i really am missing some primary food in life. i keep placating my need for healing with the idea that spring is around the corner, and this condition will magically go away.
its really starting to affect me socially. i dont talk to anyone, i dont go out much, i just bury myself with work or pot and booze and just try and stay in this detached, shut off mode. im so mal adapted to this state. ive spent the last few years feeling the best ive ever felt in my life. i have everything, i have no real wants or needs. my job situation is almost unbelievably good, yet for some reason my mind cant accept something so good. my relationship couldnt be more perfect. im blessed in so many other ways, some that even if i were to speak of, no one would even believe me. but i feel and have felt so empty and i cant figure out why. my lover is trying so hard to help me but i seem to be keeping her at bay, never letting her get close to whatever this black void i have is. my emotions are out of control. my moods are out of control. ive developed some particularly violent and brutish tendencies that are nothing like the character i know myself to be. im regressing, becoming reduced to a more basic state. ive become overwhelmingly judgmental, viscous in temper, explosive in reactions, and extremely hostile socially. im looking at myself over the last few months and all i can think is that i dont know who i am. this person im becoming, or have become, isnt me. i loathe myself for feeling so selfish, so needy, and so unappreciative of everything i have. i despise myself for my ignorance, lack of control, and demands for immediate gratification. ive never really been too intimidated by social situations before, but for the first time in life im experiencing anxiety, and i dont know what to do with it. im unprepared for this, im well into my adult life and ive never experienced an area of the mind i couldnt handle, and thus have no adaptations for what im going through. im starting to really fuck my life up.
my mind is normally such an orderly, peaceful, and logical place. everything i do in the long run adds up logically and leaves me feeling positive about my path through this world. now nothing i do, in the greater scheme of things, makes sense. i sit and i breathe and i ponder and i cant find the answers. i dont know what im missing. i dont know what i need to remove. i dont know what direction to take. ive never not-known before. im feeling insane, sort of like when one has been tripping way too long and one believes the trip will never go away, and one will have to learn to live life in this new mental state forever. im just praying im on the verge of some major change in my life, and that this will all make sense in many months time. right now i just feel broken in a way that cant be fixed. the worse part is im standing guard over myself, making sure i cant be fixed. what is wrong with me?
im dying to feel human again. i havent felt a connection with people and the world at large in so long, that i feel like i havent eaten anything but bread and water for months. i need substance, why am i rejecting it?
its really starting to affect me socially. i dont talk to anyone, i dont go out much, i just bury myself with work or pot and booze and just try and stay in this detached, shut off mode. im so mal adapted to this state. ive spent the last few years feeling the best ive ever felt in my life. i have everything, i have no real wants or needs. my job situation is almost unbelievably good, yet for some reason my mind cant accept something so good. my relationship couldnt be more perfect. im blessed in so many other ways, some that even if i were to speak of, no one would even believe me. but i feel and have felt so empty and i cant figure out why. my lover is trying so hard to help me but i seem to be keeping her at bay, never letting her get close to whatever this black void i have is. my emotions are out of control. my moods are out of control. ive developed some particularly violent and brutish tendencies that are nothing like the character i know myself to be. im regressing, becoming reduced to a more basic state. ive become overwhelmingly judgmental, viscous in temper, explosive in reactions, and extremely hostile socially. im looking at myself over the last few months and all i can think is that i dont know who i am. this person im becoming, or have become, isnt me. i loathe myself for feeling so selfish, so needy, and so unappreciative of everything i have. i despise myself for my ignorance, lack of control, and demands for immediate gratification. ive never really been too intimidated by social situations before, but for the first time in life im experiencing anxiety, and i dont know what to do with it. im unprepared for this, im well into my adult life and ive never experienced an area of the mind i couldnt handle, and thus have no adaptations for what im going through. im starting to really fuck my life up.
my mind is normally such an orderly, peaceful, and logical place. everything i do in the long run adds up logically and leaves me feeling positive about my path through this world. now nothing i do, in the greater scheme of things, makes sense. i sit and i breathe and i ponder and i cant find the answers. i dont know what im missing. i dont know what i need to remove. i dont know what direction to take. ive never not-known before. im feeling insane, sort of like when one has been tripping way too long and one believes the trip will never go away, and one will have to learn to live life in this new mental state forever. im just praying im on the verge of some major change in my life, and that this will all make sense in many months time. right now i just feel broken in a way that cant be fixed. the worse part is im standing guard over myself, making sure i cant be fixed. what is wrong with me?
im dying to feel human again. i havent felt a connection with people and the world at large in so long, that i feel like i havent eaten anything but bread and water for months. i need substance, why am i rejecting it?