Lost

[Optical Rain]

It's pathetic. I'm having surgery in the coming weeks and all I can think about is how I hope something goes wrong and I end up dead in the operating table. I have lived for years now with constant pain and sadness. In another ring is the heartbreak that feels just like new, even after a year today. I used to love a girl very much and she was everything to me. Everything. Now I live without even feeling like I'm alive. I don't talk. I don't ever want to see the sun outside. I stay locked inside the apartment. I live with my family when I'm not off studying. They don't even know what to do with me anymore. I know I hurt them and I am so sorry about all that pain I cause. But I can't help but feel that this is it for me.

It's over, that's it. I have given up. But I can't find any relief from the pain even when I live like a defeated dog. I don't cut. I don't drink. I don't do drugs..and I can't end it all myself. That's why, like a coward, I hope that this surgery finally gives me the rest I am ready for.

To alot of people I seem like some sort of self absorbed jerk, maybe that's why no one knows me or cares about me. The truth is that as sappy as it sounds, all I ever wanted were some good friends, one or two would have been nice. And I really wanted to settle down with my girlfriend and start a family. I really wanted a little girl. For the future I imagined snow falling outside my window and my wife and kids around the Christmas tree with warm smiles and the kids playing around. I would think that I would never trade that stuff for the world and I would make my family happy. I never thought that was so much to ask.

I drown regularly in murky thoughts that never seem to make sense. Now its all that plus the heartbreak that never stops mushed together. Just when I think I have hit rock bottom, I crash down to a new level. I look for some type of answer or relief but there is none. And no one can ever seem to help me much because for some reason I can never make sense. When I sleep i always wish I wouldn't wake up again, to disappointment. Maybe with no will to live, the surgery will take alot out of me and finally be the end.

 

[herbavore]

One year into mourning the loss of a very important relationship is still early times--especially someone that you wanted to share your life with. You are not a coward at all. It takes courage to live every single minute when you are depressed and it really does sound like you are suffering from intense depression.

Have you ever done any kind of therapeutic work to discover why you have been in pain and sadness for so long? (The way you wrote it sounds like this is something that comes from childhood.) When something is buried so deep that we are not even able to see it, it bears investigation.

Isolation becomes self-validating and that is dangerous. If you are living with your family but are alienated from them this only compounds things. Isolation creates even more loneliness and inertia which deepens the depression. There are ways out of this cycle but they are not quick fixes. Mindfulness and CBT are both excellent tools that can change your life. I hope that you can find a counselor that is familiar with these techniques that can help you start to regain some hope about your life.

 

[mommalette1010]

The land of darkness is a place I know all to well. I am familer with every dark corner and shadowy image. The only reason I am here is because I have no trust or faith in humanity or the universe to raise my children. The fact that I did give birth to them gives me the smallest glimmer of sadistic hope which prevents me from ending it all at any given moment. My advice to you is find someone to shower apon never ending buckets of unconditional love regardless of whether or not the know or care about it and never stop.

 

[Allein]

Isolation becomes self-validating and that is dangerous. If you are living with your family but are alienated from them this only compounds things. Isolation creates even more loneliness and inertia which deepens the depression. There are ways out of this cycle but they are not quick fixes. Mindfulness and CBT are both excellent tools that can change your life. I hope that you can find a counselor that is familiar with these techniques that can help you start to regain some hope about your life.

This is all so true, in some ways the human condition brings with it a self awareness that can easily become isolation check my user name in German, I struggle with this myself) Isolation feeds depression, I reached a point a few years ago wehn I felt so disconnected I came close to making an exit.

CBT really helped me get things back on track, I still feel alone at times and suffer depression but have ways of preventing it becoming so acute. I doubt your medical woes have any real bearing TBH, I;ve had a number of medical issues over the years some quite difficult, acute Psoriasis for 10 years and more recently operations needed to sort out a leg injury that has left be immobile for periods of time to mention 2. They havent helped but they are not the cause, small changes in your daily routine and being more concious of your thought processes are things CBT will heko with and can make a much bigger difference than you may think.

When things are so dark there seems no way it will ever change, but it will. One day you will feel better and see more of the light, iy may take time but with small changes and commitment you will emerge as a very useful and resilient person wiht more insight into yourself than many others.

PM me anytime, we cant be lonely together