Lost time due to addiction :(

[AminoAcid]

I recently came out of a 3-4 year Suboxone addiction and at first I found myself elated and with heaps of energy and motivation, but then the reality of what I have lost sort of began to sink in. Basically for around half this time I achieved pretty much nothing in life, except sort of just getting by. It's like from the ages of 22-25 (still 25 now) my life was just in a stall, not moving anywhere, but of course I didn't realize this because I was stoned most of the time.

Now I'm faced with the fact that I have a gaping hole in my employment record, and missed university for 2 years since kept on deferring. I was just talking to my grandpa and he was saying how my father had lined me up a cool research job in Melbourne (something most science students would kill for), but he doesn't know that I didn't even complete university during this period and so can't start work for another couple of years, and I don't have the balls to tell him as I think he would probably disown me.

Then I have to face the facts of all my other friends working full-time now, some already with houses, younger cousins finishing their law and medical degrees... and I'm sort of just fucked and years behind.

I originally decided to neck myself, but then sort of gave up the idea when i realized I had no access to strong opiates or a gun to do it with, and it would destroy my grandparents...

Basically have no-one else to talk to this about so thought I would give it a shot here
Anyone else fucked up like this but managed to come back?

So sort of stuck in limbo.

 

[T. Calderone]

How do you feel about going back to university now? So the job your dad had lined up for you requires a college degree? It's not too late to go back. And you can't compare your situation to others' because there's nothing you can do to change the past. You know suicide is never the answer. It's good that you're off the subs and that's a big step. Make a plan for returning to school and stick to it.

I have a hole in my employment record too and I'm in my forties, still applying for jobs online, getting frustrated with no responses. I just applied for financial aid and was approved for a grant. So a career change is what I have decided is best for me. I am finally hopeful. Believe it or not your family may not be so upset with you as you are with yourself. You gotta come clean with them and though they may be shocked or angry at first, they will come around now that you're off the drugs. Maybe you could work part time until the next semester begins.

You're not too far behind. Think of this as a bump in the road. You will feel so much better back in school and focus on your ultimate goal. I hate being in limbo too and feel I've been in a rut. But coming out. Don't stop trying. Wish you the best! Theresa

 

[AminoAcid]

^^ Thanks for the reply

Due to go back to uni next year, in fact one of the few things keeping me sane atm is doing chemistry problems, as they keep one's mind from constant negativity, at least for a short-while. But yeah I can't start the job my dad lined up without the science degree. Definitely cannot tell family about my missing years as my dad is a psycho and drinks a lot, so his mood is notoriously unpredictable, and my relationship with him has always been very thin. Ie: when I was 16 he punched me square in the face in a drunken rage because he didn't like something I did (came home too late and too drunk from a party), so I'm never risking that ever again... better to have a crappy dysfunctional relationship with a hidden lie, than none at all...

The only way I can see out of the issue is to say that I don't want to do the job and want to do honors instead, and during that time play catch up. I guess it's mostly just the post-addiction void where you begin to question whether the mountain in front of you is possible, or even worth climbing, and having to deal with everyone's expectations of you, when in reality you're struggling just to get through the day.

Hope the career change goes well Theresa, and thanks again for replying.

 

[captaincaveman]

Look man, you're 25. You're still a youngster. I recently interviewed the general counsel for a mutinational telecoms company. He didn't start his legal training until he was thirty! He said he was drifting about with dreams of being an actor for years and I got the distinct impression that he more than just dabbled with drugs. You can go and complete your degree and you'll be fine. You sound like a very capable individual. When you say you were addicted to suboxone, were you using that to get off the junk? If so, saying you were addicted to it sounds a bit odd. You weren't shooting dope were you? You were on a powerful medication that some people need to keep off the hard stuff.

And don't compare yourself to others who you think you should be where they are. Everyone's journey is different. I repeat you're only 25! As for your dad, maybe it's best not have a relationship with someone like that. It sounds like your grandad is a nice guy. Maybe level with him. Older people are more tolerant than we give them credit for a lot of the time. You're spending your time doing chemistry problems? In the UK chemistry is regarded as the hardest A-Level so you sound like one smart dude. Forget about people's expectations of you. You sound like you have expectations of yourself and that's the most important. Hopefully you'll back at this period of your life and dub them your 'wilderness' years. I did when I had some difficulties a few years ago (actually around the same age as you).

So I recommend getting back to uni, forget what you think others expect of you and you'll do well. I guarantee it

 

[AminoAcid]

^^ Thanks for that, it makes me feel quite a bit more positive, especially the anecdote about the guy who successfully did law later on.

Wasn't addicted to heroin, I got a pretty strong habit using codeine and dihydrocodeine (both of which are extremely easy to buy here in Australia as they're OTC). I dabbled with other pharmaceutical opiates like hydromorphone, tramadol and some oxycodone, but was never addicted to them specifically. During 'the lost years' it was purely Suboxone which I had been put on due to the OTC opiate abuse (little did I know that Sub is way too strong for that). But yeah I know many people wouldn't refer to being on Sub-maintenance as an addiction (I often heard people refer to themselves as "clean" while on it), I saw and still do see it as a bad physical and psychological addiction.

Chemistry has been a great escape so far, it's like I'm not strong enough to fully face reality yet, but know I can't withdraw using drugs, so withdraw by geeking. Maybe that's my ticket out of this mess, lol.

Thanks again for your kind words they really did help

 

[slimvictor]

If you wasted 3 years, but you learned a valuable lesson from the experience, it wasn't wasted.
If you kill yourself, then you are truly wasting your life.
Please just learn from it and move on.
Don't worry about the gap in your CV/resume.
Get back on track with creating your life in a good way, and things will naturally fall into place.
Maybe you tell your dad you want to wait a few years to live life, but you secretly finish your degree in that time? Then you can get the position he set up for you.
Don't worry about comparing yourself to your cousins or friends.
Do your best. It is not a competition. Make your career, your life, write your story as you want it to be read.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

If you wasted 3 years, but you learned a valuable lesson from the experience, it wasn't wasted.
If you kill yourself, then you are truly wasting your life.
Please just learn from it and move on.
Don't worry about the gap in your CV/resume.
Get back on track with creating your life in a good way, and things will naturally fall into place.
Maybe you tell your dad you want to wait a few years to live life, but you secretly finish your degree in that time? Then you can get the position he set up for you.
Don't worry about comparing yourself to your cousins or friends.
Do your best. It is not a competition. Make your career, your life, write your story as you want it to be read.

This is some excellent advice.

You're getting your life on track, getting sober, and things will work out for you.

 

[Pagey]

I agree that you shouldn't see these few years as wasted time - view them more as a learning experience, really. There's no point in regretting what's past (I know this is easier to say than to do, I never follow it myself but still, it's true). It's not to late to get the life you wanted back, you're still young with plenty of opportunities in front of you. Just focus on getting your life on whichever tracks you want right now and you'll see, in the grand scheme of things maybe those 3 years won't have hurt you so bad.

 

[zagzig]

I returned to my uni degree at age 28, part-time, thinking I would never complete it at the rate I was going. Now, I'm 32 and starting a PhD. It can be done. What better way to waste "the best years of your life" than on drugs? I chalk it up as grist for the mill, having experienced what most people will never understand.