*(I seriously have to apologize for the rant beforehand but this is the first time I've really let a lot of this stuff out. Felt good to get it down in writing or as much as I can remember at least.)
Hey Spoon you sound very nice and truly caring which is a rare commodity in our trade. How to climb is a lot harder then most make it out to be. For me I had been doing oxy since high school, what should have been senior year of college runs around and I'm banging a 1g of tar and .5g of the white. I had been a closet junkie for years at that point and people had only just started to put the pieces together. Within the same month I quit my job, dropped out of college, got kicked out of my house, broke my hand, lost most of my friends and almost my girlfriend, and had started cash withdrawals on all my credit cards.
The night I broke my hand I had just beat my girlfriend home and was cooking up once before she got home in my favorite spot the bathroom. I had done the deed in time but I made one critical error. I threw the balloon in the toilet and when I flushed I must of not hit it hard enough. She comes home finds it goes nuts, I mean destroys destroys my room wine bottles sticking in the wall, hand dripping blood everywhere, the whole bit. I run out the door from that nonsense get in the car and drive to my brothers down the street so he can take me to the hospital. Get to the hospital and when they rolled up my sleeves my arms were blue and yellow all the way to my arm pit. Bruises cause I was new at this and using long needles and going too deep. My brother at the time had no clue and looked at me with this look as if I was a bum on the side of the road asking for a handout. The night proceeded with my brother calling the entire family mom, dad, other brother who lives on the other side of the state to come help me kick this demon. So here is what the family comes up with to get me to kick.
My mom the pessimistic atheist that she is knew that rehab wasn't the answer cause I didn't really wanna quit. They tried to put me into a medical detox but in Colorado they wouldn't put me in cause I didn't use that night the save it for the every growing Meth population that truly needs Medical detox. The hospital sent me to a safe house and they safe house told me that since I was with someone and already on Clonodine and Benedryl it would really be a waste of money. So my mom took me to the woods for five days to let me detox. I kicked the whole time in that cabin with the first broken bones in my life and no pain meds due to my arms showing I was clearly a junkie at best. My mom told me I need to move back in with her and go to NA and continue to go to school. I laughed and said "okay", school is located in Downtown Denver mind you. I went to NA for a while and truly started to get clean. My parents also decided a Psychiatrist would be a good idea so I could work out all my repressed aggression towards all the crap they put me through. This Loon put me on 1mg Xanax, 4mg Klonopin, Ambien, 20mg Lexapro. Now, lets show people what the pharmaceutical world or psychiatrist can do to a person truly. I was more high than i had ever been on dope I mean shit they were giving me tons of the crap. I wrecked my car, blacked out frequently, don't remember a whole month, and relapsed. I had been at NA for a while and everything was going good hanging out as much as I could but then I got too connected and wasn't focused on being there for the right reasons. Me and another "dropped out together" since I had a car and went to score. I shot up and don't know how I got home but it was evident by my front lawn parking that I was lucky to have made it. My mom realizes that I was high obviously the night before and kicks me out of her house. On to my dad, my dad's dad is a Presbyterian minister so my dad decides that I need to be locked in his basement. He wouldn't let me talk to anyone and makes me kick all that shit cold turkey. After two days of literally constantly screaming at the top of my lungs I convinced him to let me get on Suboxone. Go to the doctor and he gives me max dose and since I'm an active BLer I know the Subutex he gives me first will not have our nasty friend Naltrexone in it. So I sneak that into my pocket and take my script for 8mg Suboxone. Get home start shooting the Subutex immediately. I then proceed to stay in the basement for the next thirty days shooting 24mg of Suboxone a day. My dad would regulate them and I would save them up from the morning or night and since I couldn't leave and only had a limited amount of rigs, it started to get pretty gnarly. Everyday I would have to get up at seven and do bible study for and hour and then read the rest of the day. The coup de grace of this lock down was a road trip through the mid west with my dad for business of his. Problem was he gave me my phone back and I was already talking to the Mexicans. I also knew that my current habit of Suboxone would render me of having the true high I was looking for unless I "pushed through". The whole ride home I was just praying to make the 8pm cut off point. Had no money, no car, still kinda on lock down but, I can walk my dog, so I go trade my iPod and 40 dollars for a g and some white. While I'm getting out of the dealers car my step mom pulls into the parking lot and blatantly watches me shaking the guys hand as she drives past. I run home and shoot up everything before my dad can could get home and realize what happened. That night was the biggest let down I hadn't waited long enough and I barely felt anything. He comes down later that night and asks me if Ive been talking to my dealer again. He had tapped my phone and was tracking my calls and messages since he paid for it it was technically legal and very easy considering thats what he does for a living. At this point my parents are out of options so they extend the task onto the whole family. My second cousin from Austin, TX decides he wants to help and lets me move down there with a car. It took two days before the Fentanyl I stole from my grandparents ran out and I was out looking again. My cousin came home to find my passed out on the kitchen floor with my dog licking my face trying to get movement out of me. I came too and was put on a flight directly back to Denver. My dad put me in a hotel in Denver (so I was back to my old ways yet again) until they could figure out what to do with me. My brother who lives in a small ski town decides he wants to help. I went up there for a week and found a job out in California that was a dream of mine. I moved out to California and started working for a guy that was a junkie for well over a decade and has been clean for six years now. We talked a bunch about drugs, the lifestyle around it, changes in time, and what have you. I finally started to get clean not for my girlfriend, not for my family, not for the doctors, I started doing it for me. I wanted a better life I saw the route I was taking was and endless downward spiral. They say you have to hit rock bottom before you quit and I don't necessarily believe in that but I do believe it takes some eye opening. I was so depressed I didn't care if I lived another day. Since I moved to California I have gotten much better. My mind is very busy with work. An interesting thing happened though my girlfriend started talking to me more about dope. She had been a junkie for a few years and just quit due to having a baby. When I met her she had just lost the baby due to natural causes and was in a lot of emotional turmoil. After I came back from California the first time she picked me up from the airport and started crying, I looked at her arm and knew instantly what was up. She had taken a bottle of liquid Fentanyl from work and relapsed from a 2 and a half year sobriety. I didn't know what to say this girl that belittled me to nothing for using dope. And now she was on it? She proceeded to ask me if I would like to get high. Of course I would like to get high! It took one day until I found the Mexicans again and it was on. The first night I come home from scoring we are at her parents house and its 12pm. My thing is speed balls, its what I do, so I proceed to cook up. The whole time she is asking me to put more in "more please thats not gonna do anything." I kept it the way it was and convinced her I would just make another one I wanted her to be safe being half my size. She does it, looks fine and is talking to me after a few minutes she lifts her head, looks me straight in the eyes, and passes out. I freak out hide all the shit and call 911. Obviously I wake up the whole family and the Paramedics Narcan her a few moments later. They send her to a safe house on a five day hold for trying to commit suicide cause she said "I just wanted to escape life for a bit" when asked why she did it. That night her parents still let me come to their house where I had conveniently stashed my loot. I proceeded to do all of it and more in the proceeding days while she was in lock down. Then when she gets out the first thing she asks me is, "Did you save me some?". Of course I did, I know how it is. We continue the bender for a few days before I go back to California. I come back to Denver again after being away for 3 months clean. I go see my grandparents and get the normal assortment of goods and proceed to the girlfriends house. Now I had a long, long, talk with this woman about the last time I got high with her and how I would not like to repeat it. This time it was Fentanyl Patches which I suck on and cut smaller to start. Two days into the run and we are sitting on her parents couch again its a weekday and now her parents know shes on the junk again and has to stay clean to stay at home. Well the night proceeds with us falling asleep on the couch after indulging. We were up to full patches now and hers had run out before we fell asleep. She asks me for another one in my half daze I give her another one, mumble "Not for too long" and pass back out. Next thing I'm suddenly awakened to her gasping and wretching for air and what sounded like choking on her tongue. She had fallen asleep with the whole patch in her mouth. Her jaws were clenched tight around it but I had to get it it out she was fading really quick and I knew the clock was ticking. Where we were its faster to drive to the hospital yourself then have the medics come to you. So I loaded her up in her car and drove to the hospital. Same hospital she was at two months prior for the first over dose. I was questioned but released due to her being a second time offender and her admitting that I save her life. I walked directly out to the parking lot and started in on a patch. We left that day and I left back for California two days later. The whole time getting high in front of her telling her she couldn't cause I didn't want her dying on me. When I got back to California I had to kick in a tent above 40N in February. No toilet, in the woods roughing it backwoods style. That was the worst month of my life I had to work all day in the snow wearing as many clothes as I could with that cold shivering sweat crawling up my back all day. That was the second time I had just downright awful withdrawals and I decided then I really would rather not go through that shit again unless needed.
Now its been seven months since I last put a needle in my arm but its still a daily struggle. It goes from thinking about dope every second, to the next week only ever other minute, to the next week every other minute, until its only once a week that you truly break down and have to put up a fight for your sobriety. I'm still hiding out in the forest in California and only smoke herb on a daily basis. Five hours away from San Fran which makes Denver look like a dog and pony show compared to things down in the Loin or the Mission. Still I don't go looking for it anymore I'm just trying to focus all my attention on my work now. Through all of it it took talking to other people that had gotten clean and wanted to hang out with me for who I was to get clean. The best I can say is you gotta find something naturally that makes you feel better naturally. Its hard for us junkies to truly get high off of natural things after we know the other side of the coin. My brother said its like Pandora's box once you let out the evils of the world all your innocence is gone life is stripped of its pleasures and your down the the core of just trying to survive with this dope habit. A lot of people suggest working out or making nice dinners. For me I really find adrenaline works the best. My friends all go the alcohol route but then your just an alcoholic. You can truly see that unless a person is truly willing to change, they aren't actually gonna to commit to it. I know this may sound sick but cold turkey truly is the way to do it. I've tried everything I could think of from poppy seed tea to massive amounts of Xanax and bupe. When you go the cold turkey route you get down deep into why you have been using whether it be self-esteem, depression, or just chasing a high. It opened my eyes to lies I had convinced myself of as fact. Dope gets into your psychosis and really brings you down until you feel like dieing would be a much more suitable option then continuing this nightmare. You have to convince yourself that you are better than a drug. As Katt Williams would say " I think pimp, therefore, I am pimp." you can do this if you truly want to trust me. Once you hit the one month mark sleep starts to regulate back out, bodily functions start to stabilize, and finally after that roller coaster you finally can see an end to the ride. Nature and the world seems so alive again being depressed and using put a dark haze over everything. In NA I once heard a lady say "When we use, we are frozen, and comfortable. And when we thaw out and become clean we realize the world is ever so alive. Some choose too freeze back up and let the natural beauty pass them by, others decided to stick around for a bit... see what life has to offer." That one night, that one time, in all the times I went is the only thing I truly remembered from going. But it still replays in my head on a weekly basis. Mark Renton at the end of Trainspotting says, "I choose something different, I choose life, with your fancy cars, 9-5, News reporters, high cholesterol, etc...".The world is a beautiful place.... life is everywhere around you in your children, in nature and really... deep inside you. You have the ability to do anything you want if you try and winning this battle is one of the greatest accomplishments one can have. Life is too short to let it just pass by.
Anyways sorry if that sounds preachy but I truly think interactions with good hearted people will make all the difference. One of my mod friends convinced me to start posting more instead of being a lurker which brought me here tonight. I hope you don't feel alone in this uphill race we are all here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime seriously don't hesitate this place really can help you through this struggle. It has keep me safe through my drug years and has truly helped me meet people who truly care about one's well being. I hope you the best and remember that if your strong, this is a very obtainable goal.
Take care.
Nobody here is any better or any worse than anyone else and we're here to help people in need ♥
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
