Astro-Weezy
Bluelighter
The idea of me writing this was simply just to get some emotions out whilst they are here, and I just felt safe to share a part of my story with you all. I'm at a point in my life where I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again, as it’s been almost 5 years and I'm scared, lost and don’t know what to do anymore. I’m suffering with things I don’t know how to handle or what they are. If anyone decides to read this, it will be in the format of a letter as I initially wrote this to a friend, as I had no other way of expressing how I felt and I needed to let her know, so I will leave it in that format, but as much as it was for her to read, it’s now for you all to read. As I am completely lost.
Ally, you're completely right I do need to rid of all negativity, it is such a poison and venting is great way for ridding it, I should do it more I think. I’m just going to ramble and type stuff out. About 5 years ago I didn't have to deal with my headspace as I do now, I never had anxiety, I didn't even know what true anxiety was, also this vagueness and a fog that impairs my thinking that’s slightly physical and not at the same time, it’s strange, it’s confusing. It’s changed the way I go about life I never had this. never. Just pow! it hit me. I remember the day it all happened to me too.
Between the ages of 19 and 22 I was a heavy recreational drug user. Never was addicted, I just got involved with “another” social clique, and it just happened to be the those that liked to party. I partied a lot, benders, days. Every party, ‘drugs’. I was just a kid having fun. There wasn't a drug I wouldn't try. Things escalated quite drastically and noticeably. I woke up soon enough, got away from it all, moved out of the city, slowed down, started putting my head back together.
Then one night I decided to take a psychoactive drug that I was familiar with but not much long term research had be done on it, I've taken this stuff a gazillion times, massive doses, more than is recommended on erowid. It was 2-ce, I've lost my mind on it, I've gone to different places, places I don’t even know how to explain… could I handle it? most of the time no! But I’ll still take it. I was hit pretty hard this night, I was out with some friends, we got drunk. We decided to go home and have a little after party where we partook of this substance. I always took fairly big doses.
They were fine with it. I ended up in hospital this night, Totally out of it, by that I mean loosing my mind, I became different versions of me, I became my child self, teenage self, I even became elderly. I became fearless and scared at the same time, I got caught in a loop for hours where everything was deja'vu by the millisecond, everything would repeat, and repeat I started hitting myself thinking that pain didn't exist, I even went to lean back into a pond with my arms wide open for reasons I don’t know, I would of hit my head on a rock if there wasn't anyone to save me. Two of my closest friends at the time thought they had lost me, completely. I had become that somebody who took too much and fried themselves! They called the ambulance, apparently I wasn't compliant and wouldn't let them take me….I don’t know. I’am not a violent person Ally, you know that. The police came and helped them take me to the hospital. (I was just elsewhere, somewhere I don't endeavor to go back) it was the worst place to be, I was alone, scared, I couldn't sleep at the hospital… after hours passed, about 24 hours I think, I was starting rationalize, and could think a little more coherently. I asked to leave, they were worried for me to leave though. I had to go somewhere where I felt comfortable and safe, ironically...being in a hospital and all. I got discharged, and left. I became self conscious, tattered jeans, I don’t even know if I had shoes, I looked like I was a junkie… and I was far from. I felt so ashamed and weird. Trying to catch a taxi and pretend I know how to speak English. I could barely speak anything at all. I’m still tripping! It’s only meant to be a 12 hour trip, not 24 hours! The last 24 hours is vacant, I haven’t a clue. I made my way back the house I was at previously, greeted strangely. L was scared of me, I didn't know why. D let me in and I went straight to sleep on the couch.
The night passed, a number of days then also passed. I started feeling alright. Just weird with what happened. We talked about what happened, why L was so scared, it’s still a touchy subject for her now. She thought she had lost me, everyone thought they had lost me, the characters I became in the trip we far beyond normal, one of them I was saying L was my mother. I don't really know a whole lot with what happened, haven't really talked about it a great deal /depth. Our friendship is still strong, we've still got the brother and sister connection but it’s just not the same as it used to be, a connection has been lost.
I was still feeling a bit strange. Now, one drug I would never do was weed, it did strange things to my head, made me sick, hated it, dizzy, anxiety, paranoia. I gave up with trying to obtain a tolerance to it. I smoked cigarettes though, and on this occasion I didn’t have any. I found an old empty pouch in the sun-room, I thought sweet there is a little bit of tobacco in it, so i rolled myself a cigarette. First drag I tasted weed….I think…..nope definitely weed. I thought oh it must only be a little bit.. I’ll be alright so, I smoked it all. There were traces of it in the pouch I am pretty sure.
This is it ally, this is where it all began. The side effects hit me, hit me hard, I felt nauseous, and dizzy. This is when I texted a particular girl and canceled on catching up with her that night, I went to bed and I thought I would sleep it off. Well I woke up after a long sleep and not much had changed, I was a little scared, things had become slightly fuzzy, I felt strange, really really foreign. I thought I’ll give it a couple of days. Nope. Nothing changed. I think this was the last straw with drugs that tipped me over, changed things in my head. (for a lack of better words)
I now suffer with this horrid disease called anxiety. this brain fog no one can explain but it’s just as big as the anxiety problem is but at the same time independent from each other, I became a hermit, introverted. All new to me! Everything changed. I zone out, I start questioning reality everyday, I philosophize ‘everything’, even the things that don't matter to people. I never have a moment when I’m not in my head. I get nervous meeting new people, I used to do street magic… what the hell, I would approach strangers with confidence. I can’t even go up to a girl and ask for her number anymore! It fucking sucks!!! Even if I did, I'd only be over analysing every little thing. I never used to be like this. I don’t even engage with people I have known for years the same way I previously did. I can’t. This ALL just out of nowhere! It sucks because I didn't have to go through life like this before. The weird part is the physical attribution to it all, my vision has changed, it’s off, slightly fuzzy, I also find I become slightly detached from everything, I don’t know if it’s enough to call it a dissociation disorder though, I’m just not sure, there is nothing wrong with my eyes, I have has them checked out. I've learnt to adapt, or rather deal with it. I don’t want to adapt or deal with it. I want the old me back, or rather my headspace. I don’t talk about it much, I try to hide it. Keep it, it's a pretty hard thing to talk about. A few people know the skims of this story, but not the emotions. I’m on the road to recovery, well… I’m seeking help and doing all I can. I’m just so fucking over it. It’s really hard Ally! I just want to enjoy my time on this world again. I don’t give a fuck about drugs, I've been done with them since court days, how I got through that I don’t even know. Some days are good, some days are shit, same with moments, some are great, some are horrible. It all depends on how intense my head gets, there isn’t an on switch….it’s just always on it's constant. My head is never great, but I can become complacent with it, if I change scenery, catch up with a friend or meet someone….without even having a thought fluster by me everything just become intense. I'll manage eventually, well that’s what I hope anyway. I just needed to write this story out. I'll always come back to it and revisit it, add things I remember.
I’m at the end now I think, I'm not sure but I need a break from writing. Doing this has helped me with some emotions anyway, I do feel better by doing this, It’s all pretty heavy so I’m so sorry for you having to endure reading this one of my prominent recent rigid parts of my life, If it was even readable. This isn't anything I expect you to respond too, I just needed to share this as simple as that. There isn't many people I’d feel comfortable sharing this with. So thank you so much Ally for just being you! If I could, I would talk to you over the phone more, I find it difficult to do that though. If I were able to visit you in London and tell you this story in person I would of, a hug right now would be pretty comforting.
Thank you so so much ally, you're an amazing soul. please stay that way!
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For those of you that read this, thank you. I'm just over it all, and this is my way of seeking help from another source, I need it. Even if it's comfort. I feel Iv'e lost a part of my identity. I wan't to be clear headed again, focused, I never had anxiety or any of this brain fog. I hate it and it sucks. I want to get away from it all. I don't know where to head with my life anymore. For the last 5 years I have been on and off different medications, SSRI's, Benzodiazepines, amitriptylines, quetiapine etc... nothing has really helped. I'm looking at the moment to try nootropics stacks and more natural things. I am also seeing a second psychologist which is helping a little bit with my anxiety and sleep but that's all. If you want me to explain anything in more detail, please ask away and I will answer the best I can. I love you all, thank you all again for enduring the read. Love and Light to you all.
-Astro
Ally, you're completely right I do need to rid of all negativity, it is such a poison and venting is great way for ridding it, I should do it more I think. I’m just going to ramble and type stuff out. About 5 years ago I didn't have to deal with my headspace as I do now, I never had anxiety, I didn't even know what true anxiety was, also this vagueness and a fog that impairs my thinking that’s slightly physical and not at the same time, it’s strange, it’s confusing. It’s changed the way I go about life I never had this. never. Just pow! it hit me. I remember the day it all happened to me too.
Between the ages of 19 and 22 I was a heavy recreational drug user. Never was addicted, I just got involved with “another” social clique, and it just happened to be the those that liked to party. I partied a lot, benders, days. Every party, ‘drugs’. I was just a kid having fun. There wasn't a drug I wouldn't try. Things escalated quite drastically and noticeably. I woke up soon enough, got away from it all, moved out of the city, slowed down, started putting my head back together.
Then one night I decided to take a psychoactive drug that I was familiar with but not much long term research had be done on it, I've taken this stuff a gazillion times, massive doses, more than is recommended on erowid. It was 2-ce, I've lost my mind on it, I've gone to different places, places I don’t even know how to explain… could I handle it? most of the time no! But I’ll still take it. I was hit pretty hard this night, I was out with some friends, we got drunk. We decided to go home and have a little after party where we partook of this substance. I always took fairly big doses.
They were fine with it. I ended up in hospital this night, Totally out of it, by that I mean loosing my mind, I became different versions of me, I became my child self, teenage self, I even became elderly. I became fearless and scared at the same time, I got caught in a loop for hours where everything was deja'vu by the millisecond, everything would repeat, and repeat I started hitting myself thinking that pain didn't exist, I even went to lean back into a pond with my arms wide open for reasons I don’t know, I would of hit my head on a rock if there wasn't anyone to save me. Two of my closest friends at the time thought they had lost me, completely. I had become that somebody who took too much and fried themselves! They called the ambulance, apparently I wasn't compliant and wouldn't let them take me….I don’t know. I’am not a violent person Ally, you know that. The police came and helped them take me to the hospital. (I was just elsewhere, somewhere I don't endeavor to go back) it was the worst place to be, I was alone, scared, I couldn't sleep at the hospital… after hours passed, about 24 hours I think, I was starting rationalize, and could think a little more coherently. I asked to leave, they were worried for me to leave though. I had to go somewhere where I felt comfortable and safe, ironically...being in a hospital and all. I got discharged, and left. I became self conscious, tattered jeans, I don’t even know if I had shoes, I looked like I was a junkie… and I was far from. I felt so ashamed and weird. Trying to catch a taxi and pretend I know how to speak English. I could barely speak anything at all. I’m still tripping! It’s only meant to be a 12 hour trip, not 24 hours! The last 24 hours is vacant, I haven’t a clue. I made my way back the house I was at previously, greeted strangely. L was scared of me, I didn't know why. D let me in and I went straight to sleep on the couch.
The night passed, a number of days then also passed. I started feeling alright. Just weird with what happened. We talked about what happened, why L was so scared, it’s still a touchy subject for her now. She thought she had lost me, everyone thought they had lost me, the characters I became in the trip we far beyond normal, one of them I was saying L was my mother. I don't really know a whole lot with what happened, haven't really talked about it a great deal /depth. Our friendship is still strong, we've still got the brother and sister connection but it’s just not the same as it used to be, a connection has been lost.
I was still feeling a bit strange. Now, one drug I would never do was weed, it did strange things to my head, made me sick, hated it, dizzy, anxiety, paranoia. I gave up with trying to obtain a tolerance to it. I smoked cigarettes though, and on this occasion I didn’t have any. I found an old empty pouch in the sun-room, I thought sweet there is a little bit of tobacco in it, so i rolled myself a cigarette. First drag I tasted weed….I think…..nope definitely weed. I thought oh it must only be a little bit.. I’ll be alright so, I smoked it all. There were traces of it in the pouch I am pretty sure.
This is it ally, this is where it all began. The side effects hit me, hit me hard, I felt nauseous, and dizzy. This is when I texted a particular girl and canceled on catching up with her that night, I went to bed and I thought I would sleep it off. Well I woke up after a long sleep and not much had changed, I was a little scared, things had become slightly fuzzy, I felt strange, really really foreign. I thought I’ll give it a couple of days. Nope. Nothing changed. I think this was the last straw with drugs that tipped me over, changed things in my head. (for a lack of better words)
I now suffer with this horrid disease called anxiety. this brain fog no one can explain but it’s just as big as the anxiety problem is but at the same time independent from each other, I became a hermit, introverted. All new to me! Everything changed. I zone out, I start questioning reality everyday, I philosophize ‘everything’, even the things that don't matter to people. I never have a moment when I’m not in my head. I get nervous meeting new people, I used to do street magic… what the hell, I would approach strangers with confidence. I can’t even go up to a girl and ask for her number anymore! It fucking sucks!!! Even if I did, I'd only be over analysing every little thing. I never used to be like this. I don’t even engage with people I have known for years the same way I previously did. I can’t. This ALL just out of nowhere! It sucks because I didn't have to go through life like this before. The weird part is the physical attribution to it all, my vision has changed, it’s off, slightly fuzzy, I also find I become slightly detached from everything, I don’t know if it’s enough to call it a dissociation disorder though, I’m just not sure, there is nothing wrong with my eyes, I have has them checked out. I've learnt to adapt, or rather deal with it. I don’t want to adapt or deal with it. I want the old me back, or rather my headspace. I don’t talk about it much, I try to hide it. Keep it, it's a pretty hard thing to talk about. A few people know the skims of this story, but not the emotions. I’m on the road to recovery, well… I’m seeking help and doing all I can. I’m just so fucking over it. It’s really hard Ally! I just want to enjoy my time on this world again. I don’t give a fuck about drugs, I've been done with them since court days, how I got through that I don’t even know. Some days are good, some days are shit, same with moments, some are great, some are horrible. It all depends on how intense my head gets, there isn’t an on switch….it’s just always on it's constant. My head is never great, but I can become complacent with it, if I change scenery, catch up with a friend or meet someone….without even having a thought fluster by me everything just become intense. I'll manage eventually, well that’s what I hope anyway. I just needed to write this story out. I'll always come back to it and revisit it, add things I remember.
I’m at the end now I think, I'm not sure but I need a break from writing. Doing this has helped me with some emotions anyway, I do feel better by doing this, It’s all pretty heavy so I’m so sorry for you having to endure reading this one of my prominent recent rigid parts of my life, If it was even readable. This isn't anything I expect you to respond too, I just needed to share this as simple as that. There isn't many people I’d feel comfortable sharing this with. So thank you so much Ally for just being you! If I could, I would talk to you over the phone more, I find it difficult to do that though. If I were able to visit you in London and tell you this story in person I would of, a hug right now would be pretty comforting.
Thank you so so much ally, you're an amazing soul. please stay that way!
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For those of you that read this, thank you. I'm just over it all, and this is my way of seeking help from another source, I need it. Even if it's comfort. I feel Iv'e lost a part of my identity. I wan't to be clear headed again, focused, I never had anxiety or any of this brain fog. I hate it and it sucks. I want to get away from it all. I don't know where to head with my life anymore. For the last 5 years I have been on and off different medications, SSRI's, Benzodiazepines, amitriptylines, quetiapine etc... nothing has really helped. I'm looking at the moment to try nootropics stacks and more natural things. I am also seeing a second psychologist which is helping a little bit with my anxiety and sleep but that's all. If you want me to explain anything in more detail, please ask away and I will answer the best I can. I love you all, thank you all again for enduring the read. Love and Light to you all.
-Astro
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