We knew he was troubled and he sought help at one point, he just never seemed capable of talking about it. We all tried and I think he did, too - he rang my father on the day and asked to come round and see him but he didn't turn up, and when my dad rang him back he said not to worry and that he'd see him later.
I spoke to him, too and I've never seen him so comfortable in his own skin. He seemed unnaturally placid, but I didn't make much of it (he was an enigmatic figure anyway). We just never expected he was considering suicide.
I stayed at my mum's the weekend before and he was jumping up and down, shaking the whole house in the process. He was drunk, though, and he tended to be a bit of a dickhead when he was drunk. In hindsight I think he was just trying to block out whatever the fuck was going on in his head.
I've spoken to a chronic depressive since and she told me the times she's tried suicide she'd never felt so in control or so content, and that's exactly what he was like when I spoke to him.
Fuck knows, TBH. It was genuinely unexpected, though.
I don't wish to come across as if I'm condemning suicide, though; we've all got that right (and it fucking is a right and a respectable decision), I just don't don't think there's any benefit in pretending that it doesn't completely fuck up those around you. The sheer damage it's done to my mother and his friends is just indescribable. But I don't hold it against him in any way, and I honestly believe that it would be indefensible for me to do so.
Anyway, thanks, folks. This has been genuinely helpful and your condolences and thoughts are sincerely appreciated.
. I've never lost anyone to suicide, but a close friend of mine died of an od, hours after I left his house. For awhile I sort of blamed myself because I left, it took me awhile to get over it. I hope you and your mother have the strength to get through this. Remember the good times you had, and he will never die in your hearts.
